# JD Vance couch story **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 14, 2024, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jd-vance-couch-story/1005715 "2024-08-14T20:38:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2024, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jd-vance-couch-story/1005715/61 "2024-08-16T04:50:00Z")
FYI, that “gallon of semen” story was Rod Stewart, and the quantity was actually 3 quarts. ---
**Author:** ![Smapti](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smapti/32/17938_2.png) [@Smapti](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smapti)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2024, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jd-vance-couch-story/1005715/62 "2024-08-16T04:50:59Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > and the quantity was actually 3 quarts And here I figured the hospital would’ve measured it in milliliters. Or were they not using those yet in the '70s? 😁 ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2024, 4:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jd-vance-couch-story/1005715/63 "2024-08-16T04:54:04Z")
> [@Smapti](#): > > IIRC, “screwed the pooch” was originally a Bowdlerized version of “fucked the dog”, so I suppose the PG-rated version works. Your “fucked the couch” is much better, but a PG-13 version may have more legs…? > [@Smapti](#): > > IIRC, “screwed the pooch” was originally a Bowdlerized version of “fucked the dog” Never knew this before! I’m having a good time looking this up… ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2024, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jd-vance-couch-story/1005715/64 "2024-08-16T04:55:57Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > I also feel bad for the Vance kids, because they will eventually hear this story. I feel bad for the Vance kids, because they’ll someday find out what a fucking hypocrite and toady their father is. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2024, 4:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jd-vance-couch-story/1005715/65 "2024-08-16T04:58:10Z")
That too. They probably already know. ---
**Author:** ![Asuka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dec6dc/32.png) [@Asuka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asuka)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2024, 8:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jd-vance-couch-story/1005715/66 "2024-08-16T08:29:32Z")
Is having sex with a couch really that weird? Like growing up I heard from multiple dudes how to do it, all coached in the form of a “joke” but with enough details to make it seem obvious they might have experimented with it. Like stories of women using a cucumber as a dildo. ---
**Author:** ![Asuka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dec6dc/32.png) [@Asuka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asuka)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2024, 8:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jd-vance-couch-story/1005715/67 "2024-08-16T08:34:19Z")
People are aware of “The Stranger” too right? ---
**Author:** ![Smapti](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smapti/32/17938_2.png) [@Smapti](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smapti)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2024, 8:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jd-vance-couch-story/1005715/68 "2024-08-16T08:37:42Z")
> [@Asuka](#): > > Is having sex with a couch really that weird? To be honest? I heard of the idea when I was a teenager, but I never tried it. Always seemed like way too much work compared to doing things the old-fashioned way, and it’d probably be a lot more embarrassing if you got caught in the act. Seems to me that anyone who’d seriously go through with it would have to be completely deranged, desperate, or both. Like the kind of person who’d brag about microwaving a bagel and sticking their dick into it and say it feels “just like the real thing”. ---
**Author:** ![wguy123](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wguy123/32/3161_2.png) [@wguy123](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wguy123)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2024, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jd-vance-couch-story/1005715/69 "2024-08-16T16:01:00Z")
> [@snowthx](#): > > His favorite furniture store is _Sofa King_. They deliver Sofa King quick! ---
**Author:** ![Gorsnak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gorsnak/32/7587_2.png) [@Gorsnak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gorsnak)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2024, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jd-vance-couch-story/1005715/70 "2024-08-16T16:29:40Z")
> [@Asuka](#): > > Is having sex with a couch really that weird? I think this is part of what makes the joke work. “Teenager masturbates in an odd way” is simultaneously not particularly remarkable and worthy of laughing at someone over. Hence the pie scene in American Pie, etc. It’s funny because it’s both horribly embarrassing and sufficiently plausible. What’s really weird is writing down an (extremely detailed, if it’s three pages long) account of the odd way you masturbated in your memoir, which is what takes the joke over the top. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2024, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jd-vance-couch-story/1005715/71 "2024-08-16T16:34:11Z")
> [@Smapti](#): > > Like the kind of person who’d brag about microwaving a bagel and sticking their dick into it and say it feels “just like the real thing”. - Obviously, they’ve never had an “everything” bagel. Those things _scratch_. So I’ve heard. ---
**Author:** ![Q.Q.Switcheroo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/q.q.switcheroo/32/5713_2.png) [@Q.Q.Switcheroo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Q.Q.Switcheroo)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2024, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jd-vance-couch-story/1005715/72 "2024-08-16T16:50:15Z")
> [@Gorsnak](#): > > What’s really weird is writing down an (extremely detailed, if it’s three pages long) account of the odd way you masturbated in your memoir, which is what takes the joke over the top. And there **is** an example along those lines with at least some lingering pop-cultural relevance: the “Whacking Off” chapter in _Portnoy’s Complaint_. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2024, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jd-vance-couch-story/1005715/73 "2024-08-16T16:52:04Z")
> [@Gorsnak](#): > > “Teenager masturbates in an odd way” is simultaneously not particularly remarkable and worthy of laughing at someone over. In high school there was a weird kid who somehow was on the wrestling team. On the day of a match his weight was too high. His “teammates” told him that jacking off was how they all lost weight in a hurry. So…he skipped class and stayed in the locker room doing just that. Meanwhile, _everyone_ know what was going on. Poor kid. It would be interesting to see a “where are they now” segment on this. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2024, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jd-vance-couch-story/1005715/74 "2024-08-16T18:50:24Z")
There is one thing about this I find funnier than all the rest. When this first became viral, before anyone tracked down the original source, before anyone found an actual copy of it he book and checked, this was bouncing around a few military pages I folllow. The response from his _supporters_ was “Well he’s a Marine so…” Someone upstream mentioned “ecstatic truth”. To a bunch of veterans, saying that a young enlisted Marine fucked a couch had about the same impact as telling them today is Friday. ---
**Author:** ![Horatius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horatius/32/3572_2.png) [@Horatius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horatius)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2024, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jd-vance-couch-story/1005715/75 "2024-08-16T19:17:17Z")
> [@Smapti](#): > > IIRC, “screwed the pooch” was originally a Bowdlerized version of “fucked the dog”, In Canada at least, these don’t mean the same thing. Screwing the pooch means you made a bad error, but fucking the dog means you’re just a lazy lie-about who never does anything. “Bob doesn’t have a job, he just collects pogey and then fucks the dog all day.” I’ll leave “pogey” as an exercise for the reader 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Horatius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horatius/32/3572_2.png) [@Horatius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horatius)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2024, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jd-vance-couch-story/1005715/76 "2024-08-16T19:19:46Z")
> [@Smapti](#): > > Like the kind of person who’d brag about microwaving a bagel and sticking their dick into it and say it feels “just like the real thing”. I have it on good authority that that’s actually [warm apple pie](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1aVECI4Jas). ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2024, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jd-vance-couch-story/1005715/77 "2024-08-16T20:17:12Z")
I mean, his parents could have had this couch… [![](https://i.imgur.com/0NQ5xnc.jpg) ](https://i.imgur.com/0NQ5xnc.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![RitterSport](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rittersport/32/6326_2.png) [@RitterSport](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RitterSport)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2024, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jd-vance-couch-story/1005715/78 "2024-08-16T20:23:40Z")
Hubba hubba. Accommodates a Rugby 7s team. ---
**Author:** ![Atamasama](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/atamasama/32/12961_2.png) [@Atamasama](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atamasama)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2024, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jd-vance-couch-story/1005715/79 "2024-08-16T20:39:09Z")
> [@needscoffee](#): > > ETA: Let’s make that “_ **screwed** _ the couch” so it can be reported unedited by more media and used by more genteel folks. I am going to use the term “gloving the couch” as my way of saying a fucked something up. ---
**Author:** ![snowthx](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowthx/32/10660_2.png) [@snowthx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/snowthx)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2024, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jd-vance-couch-story/1005715/80 "2024-08-16T20:41:57Z")
How about “_Vancing the couch_” to keep the focus on him. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jd-vance-couch-story/1005715.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jd-vance-couch-story/1005715.md?page=5)