# Jehovah Goddamned Witnesses... Fuck 'Em In A Ventricle **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [October 21, 2019, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jehovah-goddamned-witnesses-fuck-em-in-a-ventricle/842104 "2019-10-21T19:27:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2019, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jehovah-goddamned-witnesses-fuck-em-in-a-ventricle/842104/21 "2019-10-22T03:20:12Z")
> [@Monty](#): > > **Balance** : Well, there is a difference between praying and proselytizing. My doorstep isn’t exactly a street corner, either, but if they’re going to stand there and read their fairy tales at me, I think it counts. ---
**Author:** ![Folacin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/folacin/32/3195_2.png) [@Folacin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Folacin)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2019, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jehovah-goddamned-witnesses-fuck-em-in-a-ventricle/842104/22 "2019-10-22T03:40:56Z")
> [@Balance](#): > > I have a special hate for religious vultures who regard the death of someone’s friend or loved one as an opportunity for an advertisement. Some years ago, I attended the funeral of a friend who had been murdered. The preacher knew that some of her friends who were in attendance weren’t Christian, and decided that the middle of her eulogy would be a great time to insult their beliefs and declare that they needed to convert to his church to find comfort. It _still_ pisses me off every time I think about it. My (very) Catholic cousin married a (gasp) Methodist. The wedding was at her church. The middle of the homily was an anti-abortion screed. The only part I remember was where he did a reverse time-machine kill Hitler thing, where some aborted kid was going to grow up to save 10,000 souls - and who was going to pay for those souls? The sermon was fine-to-good on either side of the psychotic break. This was the late 70’s, so before anti-abortion mania had spread much out of the Catholic church. Always wondered what the groom’s family thought of that portion of the service. ---
**Author:** ![wolfpup](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolfpup/32/10618_2.png) [@wolfpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfpup)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2019, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jehovah-goddamned-witnesses-fuck-em-in-a-ventricle/842104/23 "2019-10-22T03:49:05Z")
> [@Balance](#): > > For the door-to-door thumpers, especially the “Can I just share a reading from the Bible with you?” ones, I’m trying out a new trolling tactic: quoting Matthew 6:5 at them. “And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites. For they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward.” > > I’ve used it a couple of times now, but so far, the targets have only looked confused, rather than insulted. (Which doesn’t speak well of their comprehension of biblical verses, but that’s hardly surprising.) You have to adapt it to them, using some of the same concepts as I previously articulated. For instance, you could claim you’re quoting Deuteronomy 17:8-13, but mix it in with various mangled verses from elsewhere, citing it as follows: “_If there arise a matter too hard for thee in judgment, being matters of controversy within thy gates, then get thee **the fuck** off my property **NOW** , for the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men_”. You should do this while adopting a wild-eyed stare, drooling out of the corner of your mouth, and waving around an axe or an enormous kitchen knife. That should do it. If that doesn’t work, proceed with the dialog in the second part of my script in post #9. You might also mention that you have Satan imprisoned in your basement. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2019, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jehovah-goddamned-witnesses-fuck-em-in-a-ventricle/842104/24 "2019-10-22T04:07:20Z")
> [@Balance](#): > > I have a special hate for religious vultures who regard the death of someone’s friend or loved one as an opportunity for an advertisement. Some years ago, I attended the funeral of a friend who had been murdered. The preacher knew that some of her friends who were in attendance weren’t Christian, and decided that the middle of her eulogy would be a great time to insult their beliefs and declare that they needed to convert to his church to find comfort. It _still_ pisses me off every time I think about it. > > I don’t believe we’ve ever even exchanged words before, **GreysonCarlisle** , but I’m sorry for your loss and furious on your behalf at the scum trying to take advantage of a grieving family. There was a school shooting victim’s funeral that was televised on CNN (probably a Columbine victim) where the pastor gave an altar call. My guess is that the pastor always did this at funerals, which IMNSHO is NEVER the time or place for something like that. On a less drastic note, I recently found a card from the JWs under my windshield wiper. At some time between its application and my finding it, it had rained and the card stuck to the window, which meant I couldn’t have read it anyway if I had wanted to. I put a wet paper towel over it for a few minutes, and it wiped away. I definitely did a double take when I saw this story, even though the booklets distributed by his namesake did bash the JWs. > **[Coal Valley police chief announces retirement](https://qconline.com/news/local/coal-valley-police-chief-announces-retirement/article_a78693f6-ecea-5883-8ed9-b30f9960bd13.html)** > > COAL VALLEY — Coal Valley Police Chief Jack Chick announced his retirement Wednesday afternoon, effective Jan. 17, 2020. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2019, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jehovah-goddamned-witnesses-fuck-em-in-a-ventricle/842104/25 "2019-10-22T04:13:10Z")
> [@Balance](#): > > For the door-to-door thumpers, especially the “Can I just share a reading from the Bible with you?” ones, I’m trying out a new trolling tactic: quoting Matthew 6:5 at them. “And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites. For they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward.” > > I’ve used it a couple of times now, but so far, the targets have only looked confused, rather than insulted. (Which doesn’t speak well of their comprehension of biblical verses, but that’s hardly surprising.) How about Ezekiel 23:20? (NSFW - don’t say you haven’t been warned!) > **[Bible Gateway passage: Ezekiel 23:20 - New International Version](https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ezekiel%2B23%3A20&version=NIV)** > > There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2019, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jehovah-goddamned-witnesses-fuck-em-in-a-ventricle/842104/26 "2019-10-22T06:39:32Z")
Isn’t there a Doper who was a life-long JW until he and his wife realized they were in a cult a few years ago and left, at a huge personal cost? I’ve also heard that many JW congregations have sold their Kingdom Halls and moved to smaller buildings, or even just had their meetings in people’s homes, and are saying that they are investing the money in Third World churches. This is not true; it’s because the older members are dying off and the younger members are leaving in droves. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2019, 7:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jehovah-goddamned-witnesses-fuck-em-in-a-ventricle/842104/27 "2019-10-22T07:13:30Z")
As a teen, my circle of friends included two brothers who’d leave the house dressed in their “JW uniforms”, go to friend’s homes and change into borrowed clothes. They’d change back before going home, of course. They got our of the JWs as soon as the youngest was old enough that they could leave at the same time without having legal troubles. I once was asked by a JW on the street whether I was a Christian. I answered with a super-chirpy “oh yes! Christian, Catholic, Apostolic and Roman!” Her partner had to grab her… ---
**Author:** ![Balance](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ccd318/32.png) [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2019, 10:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jehovah-goddamned-witnesses-fuck-em-in-a-ventricle/842104/28 "2019-10-22T10:21:33Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > How about Ezekiel 23:20? (NSFW - don’t say you haven’t been warned!) Ezekiel even beats out Enoch on the weirdshitometer. ---
**Author:** ![Qwakkeddup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/90ced4/32.png) [@Qwakkeddup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qwakkeddup)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2019, 1:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jehovah-goddamned-witnesses-fuck-em-in-a-ventricle/842104/29 "2019-10-22T13:19:32Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > I once was asked by a JW on the street whether I was a Christian. I answered with a super-chirpy “oh yes! Christian, Catholic, Apostolic and Roman!” Her partner had to grab her… Curiosity and the cat and all, but I don’t know enough to really get this. I get Christian and Catholic are separate but what is Apostolic and Roman? Inquiring minds and all, thanks. ---
**Author:** ![SteveG1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@SteveG1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SteveG1)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2019, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jehovah-goddamned-witnesses-fuck-em-in-a-ventricle/842104/30 "2019-10-22T14:40:43Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > Condolences on your loss, **GreysonCarlisle**. > > Burn in hell, **Danielle**. This post is why SD needs a LIKE function. To hell with the JWs. ---
**Author:** ![JohnM](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/848f3c/32.png) [@JohnM](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnM)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2019, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jehovah-goddamned-witnesses-fuck-em-in-a-ventricle/842104/31 "2019-10-22T15:02:22Z")
> [@Qwakkeddup](#): > > Curiosity and the cat and all, but I don’t know enough to really get this. I get Christian and Catholic are separate but what is Apostolic and Roman? > > Inquiring minds and all, thanks. Not to put words in Nava’s mouth, but since she and I are Roman Catholic I think I know what she’s getting at. Christian - Many Protestants and Protestant-adjacent sects (like JWs) don’t consider Roman Catholics to be “real” Christians, so start off with that. Catholic - In both the Nicene creed sense of Universal, and specifically indicating a member of a church that recognizes the primacy of the Pope (Latin-rite Catholics and the various Eastern rite churches.) Apostolic - A member of a church that has preserved the line of priests/bishops back to the original Apostles, i.e., every priest and bishop has been ordained by someone who could theoretically trace a line of ordination back to the Twelve, and hence to Christ himself. Basically Catholic, Orthodox, the Oriental churches (e.g., Coptic, Armenian), and depending on who you ask Church of England/Episcopal. Roman - Usually shorthand for Roman Catholic in the Latin Rite. Many churches use Catholic as part of their name, but Roman is pretty specific to this group. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2019, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jehovah-goddamned-witnesses-fuck-em-in-a-ventricle/842104/32 "2019-10-22T16:08:10Z")
JW’s are considered a cult. They think that God is God, but Jesus is a god, but not THE God, because only Jehovah is THE God, but there’s only one God, but Jesus is a god. Or something. I had a female co-worker who was a JW. Her husband beat her so badly he put her in the hospital. The cult told her not to press charges and they would take care of it, as it was really her fault for being a “bad wife.” I told her to leave the husband, the cult and to press charges. She did. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2019, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jehovah-goddamned-witnesses-fuck-em-in-a-ventricle/842104/33 "2019-10-22T16:20:21Z")
We had JW show up at our door 5-8 years ago. Our road is private, and there is a sign “PRIVATE ROAD NO TRESPASSING”. I answered the door and immediately explained that they were trespassing and I was calling the cops. They skedaddled and haven’t been back since. That’s the plus to living on a private road. Yearly upkeep and the lack of snowplowing are the minuses. ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2019, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jehovah-goddamned-witnesses-fuck-em-in-a-ventricle/842104/34 "2019-10-22T17:14:35Z")
I’m sorry for your loss, **GreysonCarlisle**. And may Danielle acquire a really severe bleeding ulcer. > [@nearwildheaven](#): > > Isn’t there a Doper who was a life-long JW until he and his wife realized they were in a cult a few years ago and left, at a huge personal cost? justanothermike. Here’s his excellent [ask a former Jehovah’s witness](https://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=806515) thread, where he posts all the details. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2019, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jehovah-goddamned-witnesses-fuck-em-in-a-ventricle/842104/35 "2019-10-22T17:35:29Z")
> [@JohnM](#): > > Not to put words in Nava’s mouth, but since she and I are Roman Catholic I think I know what she’s getting at. > > Christian - Many Protestants and Protestant-adjacent sects (like JWs) don’t consider Roman Catholics to be “real” Christians, so start off with that. > Catholic - In both the Nicene creed sense of Universal, and specifically indicating a member of a church that recognizes the primacy of the Pope (Latin-rite Catholics and the various Eastern rite churches.) > Apostolic - A member of a church that has preserved the line of priests/bishops back to the original Apostles, i.e., every priest and bishop has been ordained by someone who could theoretically trace a line of ordination back to the Twelve, and hence to Christ himself. Basically Catholic, Orthodox, the Oriental churches (e.g., Coptic, Armenian), and depending on who you ask Church of England/Episcopal. > Roman - Usually shorthand for Roman Catholic in the Latin Rite. Many churches use Catholic as part of their name, but Roman is pretty specific to this group. And the RCC itself is often described by itself in those terms (it’s a frequent theme in sermons); well, the “christian” part gets ellided. Based on age, accent and location, the JW was raised RCC with a 99% probability, she was familiar with the phrase, but she now belongs to an organization which considers only its members “proper” followers of Christ. So it was one of those “oops, my finger in your eye booboo?” moments and it certainly did hit home. Very un-Christian of me, where’s my “crying with laughter” emoji? ---
**Author:** ![Qwakkeddup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/90ced4/32.png) [@Qwakkeddup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qwakkeddup)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2019, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jehovah-goddamned-witnesses-fuck-em-in-a-ventricle/842104/36 "2019-10-22T19:51:42Z")
Thank you both, John M and Nava. I am about as religious as a rock. I finally got tired of all solicitors at my door. They see my face at the window and I just turn around and walk away. The longest time standing waiting for me to open the door was about fifteen minutes. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2019, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jehovah-goddamned-witnesses-fuck-em-in-a-ventricle/842104/37 "2019-10-22T21:50:25Z")
My former FIL was a devout catholic who was well versed in all things churchy. He also had a lot of the church’s literature in his home, which he stored for the local priest. Whenever one of these ass clowns would come to his door, he would invite them in and listen to their spiel. Then he would pull out a box of church literature and begin telling them all about HIS religion, including its history. If the visitor made noises about having to leave after a half hour of this, he would say something along the lines of “Well, I sat here politely while you told me all about your organization. It would seem that common courtesy would dictate that you hear about mine.” ---
**Author:** ![nelliebly](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nelliebly/32/5422_2.png) [@nelliebly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nelliebly)\ **Post date:** [October 22, 2019, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jehovah-goddamned-witnesses-fuck-em-in-a-ventricle/842104/38 "2019-10-22T22:42:50Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > I’m really sorry to hear about your mom. > > I read something the other day that was sort of a mindfuck–someone suggested that the reasons JW and LDS are sent around to prostyletze is NOT out of any hope of converting anyone, but to solidify a “us vs them” mentality–it reinforces the idea that they can’t possibly ever integrate into mainstream society because mainstream society is fucking scary and hates them. Plus, on a deep level, spending hours and days as the embodiment of a religion really puts the seal on the brainwashing. This is why they are always in pairs and groups. > > I am not trying to make excuses for the letter writer–it’s appalling that anyone did that. But it’s not a matter of one evil person. It’s a cult. I can’t speak to the JW part, but I had hundreds of LDS students over the years. Most of the males went on a mission shortly after graduation, and I’ve kept in touch with some of them. The purpose of the mission is not to seal a sense of us/them. There’s no need to instill an us/them mindset via a mission: LDS kids are raised with an us vs. “gentiles” mindset. They really do hope to convert people, though they don’t expect to be very successful: I think the average is something like 3 converts per year per missionary. I do think part of the idea is to kind of brainwash them into staying with the faith, though, by forbidding internet, TV, telephone, radio, or movies and requiring most waking hours be spent proselytizing, OP, sorry about your mom. Have you considered writing Danielle back and telling her what you think of her opportunism? Or would that merely encourage JW’s to keep sending you crap? ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2019, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jehovah-goddamned-witnesses-fuck-em-in-a-ventricle/842104/39 "2019-10-23T00:53:13Z")
My understanding (as an admitted outsider) is that the purpose of witnessing is not really to convert anyone to a new religion. It’s seen as a duty a religious believer owes to God. So when they show up at your door and annoy you, they’re not really doing it for your sake. They’re doing it for themselves; they want to impress God with how good a believer they are. ---
**Author:** ![GreysonCarlisle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a87d85/32.png) [@GreysonCarlisle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GreysonCarlisle)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2019, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jehovah-goddamned-witnesses-fuck-em-in-a-ventricle/842104/40 "2019-10-23T02:40:30Z")
> [@nelliebly](#): > > OP, sorry about your mom. Have you considered writing Danielle back and telling her what you think of her opportunism? Or would that merely encourage JW’s to keep sending you crap? Thanks. You can’t reason with a true believer, so her letter is sitting in the bottom of the trashcan and it will go out with the rest of the garbage on Thursday. Guess I _could_ put it in the recycle bin, instead… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jehovah-goddamned-witnesses-fuck-em-in-a-ventricle/842104.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jehovah-goddamned-witnesses-fuck-em-in-a-ventricle/842104.md?page=3)