# Jessica Simpson: Better than Ozzie **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [October 8, 2003, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-better-than-ozzie/206211 "2003-10-08T03:15:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![cainxinth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7bcc69/32.png) [@cainxinth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cainxinth)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2003, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-better-than-ozzie/206211/1 "2003-10-08T03:15:38Z")
Jessica Simpson, pop star, and more importantly the centerpiece of MTV’s hit reality absurdity, Newlyweds, makes even drug addled, over the hill, shock rocker Ozzie Osborne look relatively plugged in. In fact Jessica’s inanity is all the more impressive because she operates without the benefit of three decades of brain atrophying booze and narcotics or a cockney accent even Welsh gypsies find indecipherable. Her mental deficiencies are _au natral_. Here is a list of the what I’m certain will be the first of a volumous collection of cherished Jessica wisdom. [ul] [li]Chicken of the Sea may or may not be made from chicken[/li][li]The Plata-ma-pus is an egg-laying mammal from Australia[/li][li]Buffalo have small but delicious wings[/li][li]If someone is talking about you behind your back your ears will itch[/li][li]When you try something risky you’re playing with water[/ul][/li] And next week… [ul] [li]23 is almost 25 which is almost mid-twenties[/ul][/li] If laughing at dumb blonds is wrong, I don’t wanna’ be right. ---
**Author:** ![Sanscour](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f475e1/32.png) [@Sanscour](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sanscour)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2003, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-better-than-ozzie/206211/2 "2003-10-08T03:59:04Z")
I saw Jessica Simpson on Letterman last night. She seemed very nice and sweet, and she also had an opportunity to explain some of the things above. For example, she ended up asking about the Chicken of the Sea bit because she hates seafood and she couldn’t understand why she’d like tunafish. Also the buffalo comment, the way she told it, I’m thinking she was trying to make a joke but it flopped. She says she’s a ditz knows it on Dave’s show. ---
**Author:** ![EllisDee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellisdee/32/4531_2.png) [@EllisDee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EllisDee)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2003, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-better-than-ozzie/206211/3 "2003-10-08T04:27:13Z")
That show is pure gold. I can’t get enough. Life lesson #1: Never take your whiny wife golfing. ---
**Author:** ![Breezy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b3f665/32.png) [@Breezy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Breezy)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2003, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-better-than-ozzie/206211/4 "2003-10-08T15:05:52Z")
I think this show is hilarious. I’m not sure it’s better than the Osbornes, but I DO love it. haha They are 2 shows I never miss on MTV. This is horrible, but i just relate a little bit to Jessica, and Nick reminds me of my husband. I’m a little bit lazy, and if I were rich I would CERTAINLY expect to be able to hire a maid, and not do my own decorating. ---
**Author:** ![Judith\_Prietht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b19c9b/32.png) [@Judith\_Prietht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Judith_Prietht)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2003, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-better-than-ozzie/206211/5 "2003-10-08T15:16:37Z")
I’m certain you will all enjoy [this article](http://www.dfw.com/mld/startelegram/living/6914017.htm); a sample: > [@](#): > > The handsome young man > stands with his beautiful > new bride, enacting that > age-old marital ritual – the > recounting of his day’s > events. On this particular > day, he has discovered a > dead mouse in the > swimming pool. > > ``` > "It was all, like, stiff and > rigor-mortised," he tells > her. > > "Riga-who?" she replies. > > The camera moves in. The > emotions are easily read > on our hero's face. First, > puzzlement, then > amusement. And, finally, > the sinking horror that > comes with this realization: > I have married the > stupidest woman on Earth. > > ``` Her dad slayed me last night while talking about “The Sweetest Sin.” He mentioned how she made a big deal about saving her virginity for Nick and how now that she was married, “she can do it 'til she’s blue in the face.” I want to see more of him, although he’s maintaining she’s just putting on a “dumb blonde” act. I find this very difficult to believe. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 2003, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-better-than-ozzie/206211/6 "2003-10-08T21:55:24Z")
Oh, what a guilty pleasure the show is. Lachey saying “That would be ‘burning,’ babe.” (to her comment that her ears were itching because he was talking about her) was priceless! Sorry, but her dad’s comments about her screwing til she’s blue in the face now just gave me the CREEPS. Eek. ---
**Author:** ![bryanmaguire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/d07c76/32.png) [@bryanmaguire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bryanmaguire)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-better-than-ozzie/206211/7 "2003-10-09T00:41:32Z")
Not to be pedantic but Ozzie has a brummie accent not a cockney accent. He’s from birmingham not london. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-better-than-ozzie/206211/8 "2003-10-09T01:00:52Z")
I saw her on Letterman, too. Let’s hope she invests her money well. ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-better-than-ozzie/206211/9 "2003-10-09T01:57:17Z")
Hey! Where was everybody when I was talking to myself about this show just 5 days ago! [In this thread there is a link to an article with many more stupid utterances from Jessica.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=215394) I like Nick’s brother Drew’s comment about the wings. “Have you ever seen a buffalo with wings?” Or when Nick told her that the mouse (Jessica: “Mouses?”) was riger mortised (Jessica: “Riga who?”) ---
**Author:** ![cainxinth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7bcc69/32.png) [@cainxinth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cainxinth)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-better-than-ozzie/206211/10 "2003-10-09T02:30:13Z")
Sorry **Biggirl** , I must have missed your thread. I thought I was treading on virgin territory here. ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-better-than-ozzie/206211/11 "2003-10-09T02:37:50Z")
I’m just happy not to be talking to myself any more. Did you see the one where she told Nick she’d shoot him in the penis if he ever cheated on her? I’m in love with Nick, but he was just plain wrong to fight so hard about the housekeeper. ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-better-than-ozzie/206211/12 "2003-10-09T02:59:08Z")
[Here’s someone’s flash take on the tuna/chicken thing](http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=123996) WARNING: CURSES AND SUCH. DO NOT OPEN AT WORK. She’s also moron #1. #3 is Fred Durst. ---
**Author:** ![cainxinth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7bcc69/32.png) [@cainxinth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cainxinth)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-better-than-ozzie/206211/13 "2003-10-09T02:59:51Z")
‘Shooting the penis’ was good… …‘I’ll lick your ass even though it’s hairy’ was great. Nick does seem like a generally likable person. I especially love the look he gives her every now and again as if to say, “If only your brain was as in good a shape as your ass.” ---
**Author:** ![KarlGrenze](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/dbc845/32.png) [@KarlGrenze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KarlGrenze)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 9:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-better-than-ozzie/206211/14 "2003-10-09T09:54:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Biggirl \* > \*\*[Here’s someone’s flash take on the tuna/chicken thing](http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=123996) WARNING: CURSES AND SUCH. DO NOT OPEN AT WORK. > > She’s also moron #1. #3 is Fred Durst. \*\* So who’s moron #2? ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2003, 10:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-better-than-ozzie/206211/15 "2003-10-09T10:58:32Z")
Moron #2 is the flash linked to. It’s Jessica. She’s a moron twice.