# Jessica Simpson is not too swift. **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [October 4, 2003, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-is-not-too-swift/205580 "2003-10-04T19:30:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-is-not-too-swift/205580/1 "2003-10-04T19:30:58Z")
There was another Newlyweds thread around these parts but it fell away a while ago. Well, I love the show. Many people seem to despise poor, dim-witted Jessica. They say she’s a stupid, spoil brat. I do not think she’s a brat at all. But I wanted to get a list of Jessica’s best bits. Here are the one’s I can think of: [ul][li]I always thought it was a _platymapus_ [_]Which one is the mop? [_]What’s rigor mortis?[_]Buffalo wings? I don’t think I like buffalo.[_]And of course the famous Chicken of the Sea incident-- Is this chicken or fish I’m eating?[/ul][/li] The one thing she has going for her is that her husband apparently loves the shit out of her (You love my stinky ass!), Lord help him. “I love you, baby.” “I love you too.” “Do you like my shoes?” ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-is-not-too-swift/205580/2 "2003-10-04T19:39:14Z")
Oh, oh I forgot to mention Nick’s absolute stunned surprise everytime his wife says something really, really stupid. After the Buffalo Wings he said “Come on, baby-- you _know_ this!” Nick’s brother “Didn’t you ever wonder why you never see a buffalo with wings?” The best was the first time (the Chicken of the Sea incident) when he just stared at her with his mouth open for a full minute before he explained about brand names. Sure I don’t mind talking about this show to myself all by myself. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-is-not-too-swift/205580/3 "2003-10-04T19:39:26Z")
…no clue… Pull a link of some kind out of your cleavage for us. For the love of GOD! A link of some kind. Puh-Leeze!! ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-is-not-too-swift/205580/4 "2003-10-04T19:51:13Z")
[Here’s the thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=209708) and here’s [MTV’s Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica site.](http://www.mtv.com/onair/newlyweds/nick_and_jessica/) ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-is-not-too-swift/205580/5 "2003-10-04T20:03:30Z")
I saw the MTV link clip with her bitching about having to mop up a spill she made. Who is she, a porn star? ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-is-not-too-swift/205580/6 "2003-10-04T20:13:06Z")
No, not a porn star. A good Christian bubblegum pop-star who made her husband wait 4 whole years for a crack at her porn star bod. Did the clip get to the part where Nick told her to clean it up herself and she went to the broom closet and asked “Which is the mop?” Wait! Wait! How could I forget the time she told her husband she’d shoot off his penis if he cheated on her? Good times, good times. ---
**Author:** ![hebesphenomegacorona](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b9e5f3/32.png) [@hebesphenomegacorona](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hebesphenomegacorona)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-is-not-too-swift/205580/7 "2003-10-04T20:38:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Biggirl \* > \*\*No, not a porn star. A good Christian bubblegum pop-star who made her husband wait 4 whole years for a crack at her porn star bod. > > \*\* Doesn’t she know the 69th commandment is IF THINE BODY IS LIKE A PORN STAR, AND A MAN LUSTS FOR IT, &\*\*\*(& HIM, BIZNATCH! [Never mind that ain’t the right number, it is something to live by…] Damn making-horny-guys-wait-four-years-for-a-crack-at-her-body Commies. Destroying this fine country, I tell you. ---
**Author:** ![hebesphenomegacorona](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b9e5f3/32.png) [@hebesphenomegacorona](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hebesphenomegacorona)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-is-not-too-swift/205580/8 "2003-10-04T20:40:21Z")
Christian pop, or just christian? And the 70th is GOD HATES CHRISTIAN POP FOR NO GOOD REASON BESIDES IT’S REALLY, REALLY, ANNOYING, AND IT SUCKS ASS. By an unusual coincidence, this is my belief, too… ---
**Author:** ![Governor\_Quinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/d26b3c/32.png) [@Governor\_Quinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Governor_Quinn)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-is-not-too-swift/205580/9 "2003-10-04T20:54:48Z")
Odd… 8 posts, and no one’s responded to the title by bringing up bears, the woods, Catholicism, or the Pope? ---
**Author:** ![BioHazard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3bc359/32.png) [@BioHazard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BioHazard)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-is-not-too-swift/205580/10 "2003-10-04T21:15:28Z")
Jessica Simpson is a christian pop star??? Then how the H\*\*\* can I have pics of her naked on my comp? As well as a Maxim(?) photo shoot. Me Confuzzled. ---
**Author:** ![Manatee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/50afbb/32.png) [@Manatee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Manatee)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-is-not-too-swift/205580/11 "2003-10-04T21:22:10Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by BioHazard \* > **Jessica Simpson is a christian pop star??? Then how the H** _ can I have pics of her naked on my comp? As well as a Maxim(?) photo shoot. > > Me Confuzzled. \*\* How? Easy! She’s as Christian as Rush is anti-drug. ---
**Author:** ![BioHazard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3bc359/32.png) [@BioHazard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BioHazard)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-is-not-too-swift/205580/12 "2003-10-04T21:35:59Z")
LOL!!! I like that one!! Seriously though…I thought she was a pop star like brittany and chhristina… A _christian_ pop star??? NO WAY!!! ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-is-not-too-swift/205580/13 "2003-10-04T21:57:25Z")
She’s a Christian “pop star”, not a “Christian Pop” star… does that help? The nudie pics are switched heads, I’m pretty sure… the Maxim shoot is required for any attractive female who wishes to sell a record or two. ---
**Author:** ![BioHazard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3bc359/32.png) [@BioHazard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BioHazard)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-is-not-too-swift/205580/14 "2003-10-04T22:20:35Z")
the pics I have are the typical beach voyeur pics, it _looks_ like her… ---
**Author:** ![Primaflora](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/898d66/32.png) [@Primaflora](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Primaflora)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-is-not-too-swift/205580/15 "2003-10-04T22:43:40Z")
**biggirl** [http://www.shelleyness.com/archived/archives/newlyweds\_archive.html](http://www.shelleyness.com/archived/archives/newlyweds_archive.html) has a blow by blow account of every episode and it’s hilarious. ---
**Author:** ![hebesphenomegacorona](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b9e5f3/32.png) [@hebesphenomegacorona](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hebesphenomegacorona)\ **Post date:** [October 4, 2003, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-is-not-too-swift/205580/16 "2003-10-04T23:50:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by dutchboy208 \* > \*\*She’s a Christian “pop star”, not a “Christian Pop” star… does that help? > > The nudie pics are switched heads, I’m pretty sure… the Maxim shoot is required for any attractive female who wishes to sell a record or two. \*\* That still doesn’t change the fact that her music is crap… ---
**Author:** ![Michael\_Ellis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/977dab/32.png) [@Michael\_Ellis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Michael_Ellis)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2003, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-is-not-too-swift/205580/17 "2003-10-05T01:12:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by BioHazard \* > \*\*the pics I have are the typical beach voyeur pics, it _looks_ like her… \*\* Link? Cite? Please? ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2003, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-is-not-too-swift/205580/18 "2003-10-05T01:49:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Biggirl \* > **But I wanted to get a list of Jessica’s best bits.** More here: [http://www.freep.com/entertainment/tvandradio/jess30\_20030930.htm](http://www.freep.com/entertainment/tvandradio/jess30_20030930.htm). ---
**Author:** ![Duderdude2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/cdc98d/32.png) [@Duderdude2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duderdude2)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2003, 6:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-is-not-too-swift/205580/19 "2003-10-05T06:01:09Z")
So what about Rush and doing drugs? ---
**Author:** ![Manatee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/50afbb/32.png) [@Manatee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Manatee)\ **Post date:** [October 5, 2003, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jessica-simpson-is-not-too-swift/205580/20 "2003-10-05T06:04:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Duderdude2 \* > \*\*So what about Rush and doing drugs? \*\* I’d say that he’s not too swift, either.