# Jester sells out! (Inquire within) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 21, 2001, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jester-sells-out-inquire-within/69690 "2001-06-21T21:21:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Jester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jester/32/8223_2.png) [@Jester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jester)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2001, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jester-sells-out-inquire-within/69690/1 "2001-06-21T21:21:49Z")
I figured that if Pittsburgh can shamelessly sell naming rights to all of its new structures (our new stadium is now “Heinz Field,”) I can hop on the bandwagon, too. So, I am officially auctioning off my up and coming 1000th Post[sup]tm[/sup] to the highest bidder. Whoever wins gets to put whatever he or she deems fit into the post\*, which will be showcased in a shiny new thread, for all to see. Basically, I’m a tool. But, since monetary values are not easily transferred over the net, the only currency in this auction is kissing up, kissing up, and _more_ kissing up! (What can I say, I’m feeling down lately). So pucker up for the honor of using and abusing me! You know you want it! The bidding is now open! \ \*[sub]Rules and regulations apply. Nothing that’ll get me banned, for chrissake. And keep it MPSIMS material. I don’t wanna get flamed. Oh, yeah, and if you’re a middle-aged Puerto Rican with leprosy, you’re not eligible. Sorry, but them’s the breaks. ---
**Author:** ![Mercutio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/51bf81/32.png) [@Mercutio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mercutio)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2001, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jester-sells-out-inquire-within/69690/2 "2001-06-21T21:36:45Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Jester \* > **[sub]Oh, yeah, and if you’re a middle-aged Puerto Rican with leprosy, you’re not eligible** I’m out. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Scotticher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9c0ed/32.png) [@Scotticher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scotticher)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2001, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jester-sells-out-inquire-within/69690/3 "2001-06-21T21:43:35Z")
Well, I have a pie. An extra scrumptuous pie…with chocolate, and strawberries (for real, not the canned stuff) and whipped cream and chocolate shavings… If you are going to fall into it anyway, you may as well choose what you stick your sweet face into. If you wish blueberries instead, you shall have them. My wish is your command. Well, mostly… I love you, baby…happy post count party! And just for continuity sake, I am (even as we speak) unloading my portable hot tub off the truck…setting it up in your backyard…hopping in. Furthermore, I got skinnier (is that a word?) since the last post count party I attended. And I got a new swimsuit, too! ::Smooches and huggles and love:: Scotti ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2001, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jester-sells-out-inquire-within/69690/4 "2001-06-21T21:45:02Z")
I can put both my feet behind my head at the same time, and will do so while thinking fond thoughts of Jester. Thats got to at least put me in the running. Al. (I certainly hope your a fella, or a gay woman, cus otherwise that bid is going to be pretty lame). ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2001, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jester-sells-out-inquire-within/69690/5 "2001-06-21T21:47:18Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Jester \* > \*\* > Basically, I’m a tool._\* Can I put that in my sig line, pleaaaase? After I get tired of the Miller quote, or the Him one, that is. How come you’ve been feeling down, man? Something wrong? Oh yeah, and I have a great idea for your post. I plan on putting in my powerpuff girls act out a Streetcar Named Desire screenplay in it. What think you, oh Superb, Wonderful, Beautiful, Sexy, God Like, Supreme Being Of the SDMB, nay, the Universe Jesterfish? Come on, if you let me do this beautiful idea, your lordship…I’ll…um…buy you a hat. Hmm. Scotticher may have a swim suit, but is hers as sexy as mine? You know who you want to choose. Admit it. ---
**Author:** ![eunoia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eunoia/32/97_2.png) [@eunoia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eunoia)\ **Post date:** [June 21, 2001, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jester-sells-out-inquire-within/69690/6 "2001-06-21T23:26:00Z")
Fewer kings, more Jesters. That’s what I think. Happy 1000th! ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2001, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jester-sells-out-inquire-within/69690/7 "2001-06-22T00:09:08Z")
My dear Jester, I am not going to slobber and drool all over you the way these other folks will, just for one lousy post that someone else will probably use to humiliate you. I know that makes you very sad, coming from me. I know you worship the ground I walk on, and rightfully so. I am terminally hip, dazzlingly beautiful, and a redhead to boot. You _should_ worship me. You should aspire to _be_ me when you grow up. But I digress. I don’t want your 1000th post. I don’t _need_ your 1000th post. I’ve got nearly 5000 of my own utterly useless posts–where in the hell would I put yours? Love and kisses, Persephone [sub]…but if you decide you want to give your 1000th post to me, well, I promise to seduce you…once you reach the age of majority. :D[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![GingerOfTheNorth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cdc98d/32.png) [@GingerOfTheNorth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GingerOfTheNorth)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2001, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jester-sells-out-inquire-within/69690/8 "2001-06-22T00:28:55Z")
What Persephone said. Ditto on the scrumptious redhead stuff. Any idea what two ‘older’ red-haired women could do for you? ---
**Author:** ![Gunslinger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/4491bb/32.png) [@Gunslinger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gunslinger)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2001, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jester-sells-out-inquire-within/69690/9 "2001-06-22T00:35:04Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Jester \* > \*\* > But, since monetary values are not easily transferred over the net_\* What about PayPal? I’ll give you a dime. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Spider\_Woman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cdc98d/32.png) [@Spider\_Woman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spider_Woman)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2001, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jester-sells-out-inquire-within/69690/10 "2001-06-22T00:50:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Jester \* > > the only currency in this auction is (A) **kissing up** , (B) **kissing up** , and © **_more_ kissing up**! (What can I say, I’m feeling down lately). > > So pucker up for the honor of using and abusing me! You know you want it! Exhibit (A) ----:)/ x x x x ----///\\ Exhibit (B) ----:D/ x x x x ----///\\ Exhibit © ----:p/ x x x x ----///\\ (Tried to get the kisses to go up, but I couldn’t get the spacing right. But my heart, or spider lips, or something, is in the right place.) ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2001, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jester-sells-out-inquire-within/69690/11 "2001-06-22T05:18:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Jester \* > **I figured that if Pittsburgh can shamelessly sell naming rights to all of its new structures (our new stadium is now “Heinz Field,”) I can hop on the bandwagon, too.** Don’t forget PNC Park. ---
**Author:** ![Jester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jester/32/8223_2.png) [@Jester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jester)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2001, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jester-sells-out-inquire-within/69690/12 "2001-06-22T15:36:16Z")
Wow. Some damn good bids here. This is going to be tough. **Mercutio** -Sorry, dude, but it’s not my fault. It’s all these damn lawyers running around. Oh, and you may want to have that looked at-I think your arm just fell off. **Scotticher** -I’m very impressed. Not only do I get a pie (and yes, I prefer blueberries), equipment for my post count party, and you in a hot tub, there are smooches and huggles and love to boot? You’re definitely on the call-back list. **alice\_in\_wonderland** -Hmmmmmm. Impressive, but I’m afraid you’re going to have to do better than that. I mean, sure, mental images are fine, but throw in some picture offers and you may just have a shot. **Zoggie** -Poor, misguided Zoggie. I immediately see through your flattery. It is obvious that you don’t think I’m all that and a bag of chips at all, but instead are just using me as a platform to boost your dramatic escapades. You’ll have to work a bit harder, hon. (Oh, and yes, you can use that in your sig. But DON’T get rid of the Miller quote, it’s hysterical). **eunoia** -Good start, but I hope that that was just a warm-up. I’m going to expect a WHOLE lot more ass-kissing than that. **Persephone** -Pheh. You think this game of “hard to get” will work? You think that I’ll come begging to YOU, just because you manage to stay aloof? Well, madam, you’ve got another think coming! You think that you can walk all over me, just because I am not in the “majority” here? I’ll have you know that there are MANY people like me running around! So Hah! I don’t need your grief! [sub]Okay, I admit it, you’re in the lead.[/sub] **GingeroftheNorth** -Intriguing. Sure, you didn’t give a very wordy post describing all my glorious attributes, but your promise of collaborating with Persephone may just move me to make this prize a package deal. **Gunslinger** -I need not your pitiful dime. What do you mistake me for, some sort of cheap prostitute? I’ll have you know that my services cost at LEAST a quarter! **Spider Woman** -Your three stages of flattery definitely offer a triple threat in this competition. Keep up the good work, and you may be a winner! **Rilchiam** -You, sir, disgust me. To come into my thread and insinuate that I, Jester, do not know about the shameless marketing of the name of my home city’s naming rights? That’s it. You’re out of the competition. \ \ Oh, yes, unless you have some really, REALLY good kissing up in store. Keep em coming, folks! My ego can still fit out the door! ---
**Author:** ![eunoia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eunoia/32/97_2.png) [@eunoia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eunoia)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2001, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jester-sells-out-inquire-within/69690/13 "2001-06-22T16:27:35Z")
I can’t compete with the attentions of two older redheads. All I have is some skateboard decals and a can of mixed vegetables. This is where I bow out. Good luck! ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2001, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jester-sells-out-inquire-within/69690/14 "2001-06-22T17:45:20Z")
Oh Jester. God, what am I to do? You’ve found me out…I do wish to promote myself shamelessly. What other place to do it than in the top one thousand? I guess I was a bit too obvious, hm. What do you want me to do to prove I care for you? Show you my backless bathing suit, \? And by the way. I know who you’re going to choose ahead of time, and no, it’s not me. But I’m pretty sure who it is. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2001, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jester-sells-out-inquire-within/69690/15 "2001-06-22T20:00:27Z")
Well, Heinz as a name doesn’t bother me, because Heinz is so Pittsburgh-it’s a legacy, you know? Hell, I work at the John Heinz Regional History Center. Still, the PNC Park thing annoys the hell out of me-it should’ve been Roberto Clemente Field. Jester, you shameless whore. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [June 22, 2001, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jester-sells-out-inquire-within/69690/16 "2001-06-22T20:15:21Z")
You want pictures? I’ve those photos of you and you know who doing you know what and I’m not afraid to use them. All your thousandth post are belong to me! ---
**Author:** ![Scotticher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9c0ed/32.png) [@Scotticher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scotticher)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2001, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jester-sells-out-inquire-within/69690/17 "2001-06-23T02:07:42Z")
HEY!!! I’m an older redhead, too. Add that to my petition, please? And just to sweeten the pot… I can cook. And I peel grapes very well, too. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Jester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jester/32/8223_2.png) [@Jester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jester)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2001, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jester-sells-out-inquire-within/69690/18 "2001-06-23T02:34:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Scotticher \* > \*\*HEY!!! > > I’m an older redhead, too. Add that to my petition, please? > > And just to sweeten the pot… > > I can cook. > > And I peel grapes very well, too. > > 🙂 \*\* Grapes, eh? Well, I’m convinced. **Scotti** takes the lead! **Zoggie** , you may THINK you know me, but you don’t know me at all! Hah! Unless you predicted this, in which case I’ll just go curl up and die. **Guin** -Good analysis of the situation. (side note, I got to write an editorial about the renaming for the Post Gazette! Yay!) Still, I needed a shameless lead to this thread, so there it is. **Zebra** , you’re coming out of the gates at a nice pace, but you have to keep increasing. Only then will you have a chance. Whee! This is fun! ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2001, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jester-sells-out-inquire-within/69690/19 "2001-06-23T21:52:45Z")
Give it to me and I will go back in time and keep J Giles original band together. There will never be a second band and that song will not exist. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2001, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jester-sells-out-inquire-within/69690/20 "2001-06-23T23:57:27Z")
Ooh, when is your editorial going to be in the paper? Let me know. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jester-sells-out-inquire-within/69690.md?page=2)