# Jesus Battles Zombies **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 22, 2004, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-battles-zombies/235656 "2004-03-22T01:56:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 5\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2004, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-battles-zombies/235656/21 "2004-03-22T14:11:07Z")
1 Now upon the first day of the week, very early in the morning, they came unto the sepulchre, bringing the spices which they had prepared, and certain others with them. 2 And they found the stone rolled away from the sepulchre. 3 And they entered in, and found not the body of the Lord Jesus. 4 And it came to pass, as they were much perplexed thereabout, behold, the lord Jesus entered, and he wore tattered garments. 5 And as they were afraid, for the Lord Jesus looked kind of punky and green, and asked him, Lord, what miracle has happened? 6 And the Lord Jesus said “braiiiiiiiins”! 7 And then the Lord Jesus approached Mary Magdalene, and behold, he bit off her nose, and it was then that those assembled knew it was an attack of zombies, 8 And Mary Magdalene then ate Simon Peter’s arm and nipped off a bit of Thomas’s shoulder, and they too were zombies. 9 And the zombies, led by the Lord Jesus, descended upon the town, and there was a hue and cry; and except for those Israelites that took shelter in the mall, all were eaten; some whole, and some turned to zombies. 10 And they remembered his words, “I am the Son of God, and I shall return as a hideous flesh-eating zombie,” and knew that his prophecy had been fulfilled. 11 And there was a cry from the masses, “Lord God, why hast thou afflicted us with a plague of zombies?” 12 But God did not reply, for he was fixing microwave popcorn to eat while watching the show 13 And the Roman garrison did assemble a counterattack; but all were consumed by the zombies, as they did not have shotguns; 14 And the zombie army shuffled and groaned around the streets of Jerusalem. 15 For forty days and forty nights the zombies laid seige to the ragtag band of survivors in the shopping mall… From The Gospel According To George, Chapter 17. ---
**Author:** ![dangergene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@dangergene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangergene)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2004, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-battles-zombies/235656/22 "2004-03-22T14:57:16Z")
ah yes, the lost books of the new testament, ‘Zombies I- IV’ detailing the final fateful hours of that fair village. ‘and lo, as man doth begat man, so did zombie begat zombie and yay the Lord didst say untoest himself,’ oh crap, why did I ever say "go forth and multiply’ they’ve gone and tkane it all out of context’, and yay, he didst say it all girly-like as if t’were Terry Gilliam dressed in drag’ ---
**Author:** ![dangergene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@dangergene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangergene)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2004, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-battles-zombies/235656/23 "2004-03-22T14:59:31Z")
um… ‘taken’ not tkane- zombies ate my homework! Really! ---
**Author:** ![TitoBenito](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2acd7d/32.png) [@TitoBenito](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TitoBenito)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2004, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-battles-zombies/235656/24 "2004-03-22T20:40:40Z")
Tom Savini is Jesus Christ in [Zombiegeddon](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0316946/). ---
**Author:** ![RandomLetters](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8edcca/32.png) [@RandomLetters](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandomLetters)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2004, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-battles-zombies/235656/25 "2004-03-22T20:41:14Z")
/Professor Farnsworth "Sweet Zombie Jesus! /end Professor Farnsworth [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-battles-zombies/235656.md?page=1)