# Jesus is coming. I have unquestionable proof. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 31, 2000, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-coming-i-have-unquestionable-proof/47924 "2000-12-31T19:22:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Uniball](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Uniball](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uniball)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2000, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-coming-i-have-unquestionable-proof/47924/1 "2000-12-31T19:22:18Z")
Jesus Hernandez, I mean. The guy who delivers pizza. He’s coming here in less than 30 minutes with my Domino’s. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2000, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-coming-i-have-unquestionable-proof/47924/2 "2000-12-31T19:55:34Z")
Uniball, this forum is for minor debates and polls. Could you _please_ post threads like these in MPSIMS. I’m moving this one now. Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Andy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/aeb1de/32.png) [@Andy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Andy)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2000, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-coming-i-have-unquestionable-proof/47924/3 "2000-12-31T20:04:40Z")
Do you think you could have the real jesus in a fight? I think I could as long as he didn’t do all those miracle things he was supposed to be able to do. He looks quite skinny and weak. Who’s your money on and what are the odds? ---
**Author:** ![jb\_farley](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9d8465/32.png) [@jb\_farley](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jb_farley)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2000, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-coming-i-have-unquestionable-proof/47924/4 "2000-12-31T20:11:31Z")
you know what struck me as hilarious during christmas mass? What if jesus was only like 5’4? That would be a frickin hoot. jb ---
**Author:** ![Odieman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a87d85/32.png) [@Odieman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Odieman)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2000, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-coming-i-have-unquestionable-proof/47924/5 "2000-12-31T20:14:07Z")
And what is wrong with being 5’ 4"!!! :Keith pulls himself up to his full height: ---
**Author:** ![Andy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/aeb1de/32.png) [@Andy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Andy)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2000, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-coming-i-have-unquestionable-proof/47924/6 "2000-12-31T20:14:13Z")
Wouldn’t it be funny if it turned out that he was quite, well, dim, too. Bit on the slow side, you know, a 20 watt light bulb:D ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2000, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-coming-i-have-unquestionable-proof/47924/7 "2000-12-31T20:23:20Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jb\_farley \* > **What if jesus was only like 5’4? That would be a frickin hoot.** Why do you think he did the Sermon on the Mount, instead of the Sermon in a Ravine? You betcha…he wanted to look taller. Impress the babes. Probably wore elevator sandals, too. ---
**Author:** ![Andy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/aeb1de/32.png) [@Andy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Andy)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2000, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-coming-i-have-unquestionable-proof/47924/8 "2000-12-31T20:23:57Z")
I suppose the situation arising from getting where you are because of your father despite your own inadequacies is quite pertinent at the moment;) ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2000, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-coming-i-have-unquestionable-proof/47924/9 "2000-12-31T20:25:18Z")
This officially qualifies as the stupidest thread I have seen. Today. ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2000, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-coming-i-have-unquestionable-proof/47924/10 "2000-12-31T20:33:36Z")
You are all going to hell. Could one of you hold the door for me on my way in? My favortive thought of Jesus - I forget who said it - was what if he performed the miracles like a magic act? “I have one fish . . . I have two fish! Ta-daa!” Of course Mary Magdelene would be standing next to him doing flourishes with her hands. ---
**Author:** ![Short](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b38774/32.png) [@Short](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Short)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2000, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-coming-i-have-unquestionable-proof/47924/11 "2000-12-31T20:42:06Z")
Of course, as we all know, [Jesus Christ](http://www.whoisjesuschrist.com/) is Canadian. ---
**Author:** ![jb\_farley](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9d8465/32.png) [@jb\_farley](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jb_farley)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2000, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-coming-i-have-unquestionable-proof/47924/12 "2000-12-31T20:45:51Z")
{b]Crunchy\*\*, that is fucking great! I’m now picturing Jesus on the cross wearing a top hat and tails. Maybe the whole crucifixion thing was a Houdini stunt gone wrong? jb ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2000, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-coming-i-have-unquestionable-proof/47924/13 "2000-12-31T20:49:21Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jb\_farley \* > **Maybe the whole crucifixion thing was a Houdini stunt gone wrong?** What are you talking about? He got out of the tomb, didn’t he? Rather Houdini-esque in my book. ---
**Author:** ![jb\_farley](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9d8465/32.png) [@jb\_farley](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jb_farley)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2000, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-coming-i-have-unquestionable-proof/47924/14 "2000-12-31T20:55:45Z")
“And for my next trick, I shall pull a leper out of my hat… Huzzah!” _at last supper- Jesus yanks on tablecloth_ “The flowers are still standing!” jb goin to hell fer sure ---
**Author:** ![betenoir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/258eb7/32.png) [@betenoir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betenoir)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2000, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-coming-i-have-unquestionable-proof/47924/15 "2000-12-31T21:25:11Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Uniball \* > \*\*Jesus Hernandez, I mean. The guy who delivers pizza. He’s coming here in less than 30 minutes with my Domino’s. \*\* Yeah, well. They told you 30 minutes but he could turn out to be about as prompt as that other Jesus guy. So, you must know by now- did he show up? Did he turn the Pepsi into wine? How’s the pizza? We must know. ---
**Author:** ![Uniball](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Uniball](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uniball)\ **Post date:** [December 31, 2000, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-coming-i-have-unquestionable-proof/47924/16 "2000-12-31T22:46:04Z")
Pizza was fine. I ordered a Seven-Up, so if it tasted like wine, I would know. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2001, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-coming-i-have-unquestionable-proof/47924/17 "2001-01-01T03:03:32Z")
I wonder if like, he turned the Pizza into his own Body and Blood thingie? ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2001, 7:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-coming-i-have-unquestionable-proof/47924/18 "2001-01-01T07:14:48Z")
Yeah, Guin, I can see it now… Jesus: No, you guys! It’s the _crust_ that is the flesh of my flesh! Not the pepperoni! And you dip it in the wine, _not_ the marinara! Man! What’s a Messiah got to do to get good help these days? ---
**Author:** ![jb\_farley](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9d8465/32.png) [@jb\_farley](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jb_farley)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2001, 8:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-coming-i-have-unquestionable-proof/47924/19 "2001-01-01T08:13:49Z")
He took the bread, gave it to his disciples and said, "Take this and eat it. This is my body, with a ring of mozzarella in the crust, which I have given up for you. Scarf this in memory of me. _bell rings_ jb ---
**Author:** ![Dijon\_Warlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9a28c/32.png) [@Dijon\_Warlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dijon_Warlock)\ **Post date:** [January 1, 2001, 9:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-coming-i-have-unquestionable-proof/47924/20 "2001-01-01T09:54:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by android209 \* > \*\*Wouldn’t it be funny if it turned out that he was quite, well, dim, too. Bit on the slow side, you know, a 20 watt light bulb:D \*\* Actually, Michael Moorcock wrote a book called “Behold the Man” in which this was precisely the case. A guy used a time machine to go back and witness the crucifixion/resurrection only to find that the real Jesus was a drooling idiot and Mary was a wanton harlot. It got weirder from there. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-coming-i-have-unquestionable-proof/47924.md?page=2)