# Jesus is NOT a hydrogen-powered sports-car with VTOLthat gives blowjobs! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [June 16, 2002, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-not-a-hydrogen-powered-sports-car-with-vtolthat-gives-blowjobs/114415 "2002-06-16T23:09:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2002, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-not-a-hydrogen-powered-sports-car-with-vtolthat-gives-blowjobs/114415/1 "2002-06-16T23:09:43Z")
Or, bumper-sticker hell. As I was driving over to my folk’s house for Father’s Day, I was stuck behind someone who expressed their entire life via bumperstickers. The first was the oddest. > [@](#): > > \*\* > It’s not Jesus? > It’s not progress! > \*\* “Hmmmm” Thinks I “Jesus, in Christian theology, is the only begotten son of God, fully divine and fully human. Part of the Trinity. One who’s blood-sacrifice redeems sinners.” “So” I continue thinking "What’s progress? Hmmm…a vaccine that cures childhood lukemia isn’t Jesus. But I would have thought it to be progress… A non-polluting hydrogen powered sports-car that can go from 0-90 in 2.1 seconds, has jet-assissted VTOL (Vertical Take-Off and Landing) for those hard-to-get-at city parking spots AND can give you blowjobs when parked is pretty much the _definition_ of progress. That’s not Jesus, though. If Jesus was a non-polluting hydrogen power car, it would’ve been hard to nail his wrists to the cross, as cars don’t have wrists. And with VTOL, he coulda just flown off. Robot Monkey Butlers. I think that if every single person in the world had a robotic monkey-butler or two, the world would be a better, happier place and again, would _define_ the word “progress” (and _MY_ robotic monkey-butler just agreed “Just so, sir” he said!). But Christ ALSO isn’t a robotic monkey-butler, (he couldn’t be: robotic monkey-butlers don’t have blood: and no-one says “The 10W40 of Christ washes clean our sins.”)" So apparently either I, or this bumper sticker is confused as to the nature of the Son of God. I’m guessing it’s them. Also on this person’s car was the ever popular \*\* > [@](#): > > My boss is a Jewish carpenter\*\*\* To which I keep thinking “If that’s true, I’d _love_ to be a fly on the wall at the tax office when they get your W2s!” He (or she) also had the ever-tolerant \*\* > [@](#): > > God made Adam and _EVE_, not Adam and _STEVE_!!! > \*\* I thought we were all God’s chilluns. Are you saying God _didn’t_ make Steve? But _my_ real name is Steve. \< sobs \> Why was I cursed with a name that tells the world that God didn’t make me?! WHY??? (So…if God didn’t make me, what am I? A golem? No words written on _MY_ forehead!) Oh, and sir or madam? I must say: Your car may explode, given that, elsewhere on the bumper you have Rainbow Flag bumper sticker in the shape of a happy face. You _do_ know that you’re sending a mixed message? Fenris, bemused \*Said bumper-sticker irritates the hell out of me, and I’m not sure why: it’s actually fairly inoffensive. ---
**Author:** ![Journeyman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/779978/32.png) [@Journeyman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Journeyman)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2002, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-not-a-hydrogen-powered-sports-car-with-vtolthat-gives-blowjobs/114415/2 "2002-06-16T23:19:58Z")
Jesus may love him, but everyone else thinks he’s an asshole. ---
**Author:** ![Atreyu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@Atreyu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atreyu)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2002, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-not-a-hydrogen-powered-sports-car-with-vtolthat-gives-blowjobs/114415/3 "2002-06-16T23:25:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Fenris \* > \*\*A non-polluting hydrogen powered sports-car that can go from 0-90 in 2.1 seconds, has jet-assissted VTOL (Vertical Take-Off and Landing) for those hard-to-get-at city parking spots AND can give you blowjobs when parked is pretty much the _definition_ of progress. \*\* Hey, Toyota? Honda? Nissan? Ford? Chrysler? I hope you’re taking notes. ---
**Author:** ![robertliguori](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/46a35a/32.png) [@robertliguori](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robertliguori)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2002, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-not-a-hydrogen-powered-sports-car-with-vtolthat-gives-blowjobs/114415/4 "2002-06-16T23:39:31Z")
\ Ah, sir, are you the operator of this vehicle? I thought so! I couldn’t help but notice your enlightening bumper stickers. Since you obviously have no problem with the espousal of unpopular opinions, I would like to say that I believe the world would be a happier place if you and all your ilk put your Kool-aid where your mouths are, and demonstrated how sincerely you believe in life after death. Thank you! \ ---
**Author:** ![Brutus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@Brutus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brutus)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2002, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-not-a-hydrogen-powered-sports-car-with-vtolthat-gives-blowjobs/114415/5 "2002-06-16T23:58:09Z")
> [@](#): > > Robot Monkey Butlers. I think that if every single person in the world had a robotic monkey-butler or two, the world would be a better, happier place and again, would define the word “progress” (and MY robotic monkey-butler just agreed “Just so, sir” he said!). But Christ ALSO isn’t a robotic monkey-butler, (he couldn’t be: robotic monkey-butlers don’t have blood: and no-one says “The 10W40 of Christ washes clean our sins.”)" You know, the rest of your post is pretty much lost onme, but you are really onto something with the Robot Monkey Butler idea. _WINGED_ Robot Monkey Butlers would be about as good as heaven on earth, I imagine. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2002, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-not-a-hydrogen-powered-sports-car-with-vtolthat-gives-blowjobs/114415/6 "2002-06-17T00:03:51Z")
I hate bumper stickers. All bumper stickers. The least offensive are the ones that are pure advertising: radio station call signs, names of bands, whatever. Those aren’t too bad. But the ones that take an enourmosly complex, usually emotional issue and boil it down to a smarmy cliche make me see red. These include: Religous bumperstickers: It’s not that I don’t care about your religious convictions. I find it a fascinating subject and would love to have a conversation about it. But if all of your beliefs, hopes, and ideas about what life means and what happens afterward can be boiled down to one snarky little catchphrase, odds are that you aren’t worth the effort. Charity-of-the-Month bumperstickers: I know the idea behind this is to raise awareness of the issue. “Give us twenty bucks, and we’ll give you a free bumpersticker so that everyone knows about the heartbreak of Feline Cervical Cancer.” But it looks like vanity to me. “I gave money to the Adopt-an-Eskimo Foundation! My surplus spending money makes me a morally superior person!” Of course, I have some kind of weird ideas about charity, so this is probably just a personal hangup. Free Tibet bumperstickers: I started a [rant](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=79700&highlight=tibet) of my own about this one a while back, but I can sum it up here to save time. To anyone sporting a Free Tibet bumpersticker: How much of your car was made in China? Any incarnation of the Jesus fish: This is the most brutally co-opted symbol since the invention of cave painting. At first it was a cool, meaningful, spirtual symbol. That was fifteen hundred years ago. Now there’s so much [antagonistic baggage](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=114287&highlight=darwin+fish) attached, it’s just short hand for “Fuck you if you don’t agree with me.” Abortion bumperstickers: Speaking of antagonistic baggage… Look, there’s a time and a place for abortion debates. Six ay-em on the freeway isn’t it. There isn’t a person in the country who doesn’t have a strong emotional response to this topic. Even if I agree with the sentiments your 'sticker is expressing, _I don’t want to deal with it right now._ Plus, 99% of these display so much naked hostility to the opposite side that it makes me distinctly uncomfortable just reading the damn things. If you want to actually make me think about the issue, A) don’t paint the opposition as being some sort of soulless/fascist monster. There are damned good reasons for being on either side of this issue. And B) use a format that isn’t limited by how many car-lengths away you have to be in able to read it. Anti-drug bumperstickers: For very good reasons, which I invoke my Fifth Ammendment rights to avoid mentioning here. “Funny” bumperstickers: For the same reason I don’t like sigs (except ones that feature quotes by me). It was (maybe) funny the first time. But every time you get in your car, it’s like you’re telling the same joke again. Over and over and over. It’s annoying when people do this in person, and only slightly less annoying when they do it by automotive proxy. Rainbow Pride stickers: Actually, I don’t have a problem with these. I even like the very long, thin ones. They’re subtle, they make a statement, but they’re non-confrontational. Plus, their rather obscure meaning lends itself to hilarious farce, like the guy mentioned in the OP. However, I did just want to put the word out to the guy I saw the other day driving a Honda with _sixteen_ different rainbow stickers on the back: Dude, there’s such a thing as too much pride. Anyway, bumperstickers: Just say no. ---
**Author:** ![Drastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Drastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drastic)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2002, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-not-a-hydrogen-powered-sports-car-with-vtolthat-gives-blowjobs/114415/7 "2002-06-17T00:07:09Z")
> [@](#): > > Jesus is NOT a hydrogen-powered sports-car with VTOLthat gives blowjobs! And people wonder why I’ve never converted! ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2002, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-not-a-hydrogen-powered-sports-car-with-vtolthat-gives-blowjobs/114415/8 "2002-06-17T00:30:16Z")
No, but he did build my hotrod. ---
**Author:** ![Daowajan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3bc359/32.png) [@Daowajan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daowajan)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2002, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-not-a-hydrogen-powered-sports-car-with-vtolthat-gives-blowjobs/114415/9 "2002-06-17T01:52:26Z")
best. thread. title. ever. ---
**Author:** ![Tuckerfan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Tuckerfan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tuckerfan)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2002, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-not-a-hydrogen-powered-sports-car-with-vtolthat-gives-blowjobs/114415/10 "2002-06-17T02:20:36Z")
> [@](#): > > A non-polluting hydrogen powered sports-car that can go from 0-90 in 2.1 seconds, has jet- assissted VTOL (Vertical Take-Off and Landing) for those hard-to-get-at city parking spots AND can give you blowjobs when parked is pretty much the definition of progress. That’s not Jesus, though. You sure about that? Because I’m positive that any guy that had one of those would be calling Jesus’s name _a lot_! 😉 (Hell, most of us wouldn’t get out of the damn thing!) ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2002, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-not-a-hydrogen-powered-sports-car-with-vtolthat-gives-blowjobs/114415/11 "2002-06-17T02:24:26Z")
**Daowajan** , _I_ wanted to post those particular four words. Say it with me: **A Clean, Souped-up Harrier Auto-job.** Hey, my nipples are hard! ---
**Author:** ![JeffB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jeffb/32/188_2.png) [@JeffB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JeffB)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2002, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-not-a-hydrogen-powered-sports-car-with-vtolthat-gives-blowjobs/114415/12 "2002-06-17T02:27:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Drastic \* > > > [@](#): > > > > Jesus is NOT a hydrogen-powered sports-car with VTOLthat gives blowjobs! > > And people wonder why I’ve never converted! Sounds like you need a Catholitic converter. ---
**Author:** ![Hugh\_Jass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/4da419/32.png) [@Hugh\_Jass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hugh_Jass)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2002, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-not-a-hydrogen-powered-sports-car-with-vtolthat-gives-blowjobs/114415/13 "2002-06-17T03:08:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Brutus \* > \*\* > _WINGED_ Robot Monkey Butlers would be about as good as heaven on earth, I imagine. \*\* This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen in my life, you complete utter moron. Anyone who has ever given the idea of robot monkey butlers any SERIOUS thought would know that they would have to be jet-powered. Next time, do a little research before you post something so stupid.\* - The above post is completely in jest. I’m under the weather today, and this just struck me funny. My apologies to Brutus or anyone who might have been misled. ---
**Author:** ![betenoir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/258eb7/32.png) [@betenoir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betenoir)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2002, 7:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-not-a-hydrogen-powered-sports-car-with-vtolthat-gives-blowjobs/114415/14 "2002-06-17T07:25:46Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Fenris \* > \*\*A non-polluting hydrogen powered sports-car that can go from 0-90 in 2.1 seconds, has jet-assissted VTOL (Vertical Take-Off and Landing) for those hard-to-get-at city parking spots AND can give you blowjobs when parked is pretty much the _definition_ of progress. > \*\* Blowjobs? If the cunnilingus feature doesn’t come standard I’m not buying (and I wouldn’t call it progress 🙂 ) ---
**Author:** ![sailor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a587f6/32.png) [@sailor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sailor)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2002, 7:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-not-a-hydrogen-powered-sports-car-with-vtolthat-gives-blowjobs/114415/15 "2002-06-17T07:53:00Z")
\>\> Jesus is NOT a hydrogen-powered sports-car with VTOLthat gives blowjobs! Did you study theology formally or on your own time? ---
**Author:** ![Dragonblink](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Dragonblink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragonblink)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2002, 8:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-not-a-hydrogen-powered-sports-car-with-vtolthat-gives-blowjobs/114415/16 "2002-06-17T08:18:41Z")
Can I get my Jesus in cobalt blue, with a black leather interior and a sports shift? ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2002, 9:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-not-a-hydrogen-powered-sports-car-with-vtolthat-gives-blowjobs/114415/17 "2002-06-17T09:28:00Z")
> [@](#): > > God made Adam and EVE, not Adam and STEVE!!! This is hilarious mostly because I consider “Steve” (not Steven or any other derivative) to be one of the funniest names in existence. ---
**Author:** ![TwistofFate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@TwistofFate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TwistofFate)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2002, 10:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-not-a-hydrogen-powered-sports-car-with-vtolthat-gives-blowjobs/114415/18 "2002-06-17T10:29:27Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by betenoir \* > \*\* > > Blowjobs? If the cunnilingus feature doesn’t come standard I’m not buying (and I wouldn’t call it progress 🙂 ) \*\* On behalf of all the men I have to say, cunnilingus is the optional extra. ---
**Author:** ![Steve\_Wright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@Steve\_Wright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steve_Wright)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2002, 10:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-not-a-hydrogen-powered-sports-car-with-vtolthat-gives-blowjobs/114415/19 "2002-06-17T10:38:42Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Fenris \* > \*\* Are you saying God _didn’t_ make Steve? But _my_ real name is Steve. \< sobs \> Why was I cursed with a name that tells the world that God didn’t make me?! WHY??? \*\* Personally, I decided a long time ago that God made me, took a good look at the result, and decided to blame someone else. ---
**Author:** ![belladonna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9fc29f/32.png) [@belladonna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/belladonna)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2002, 10:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-not-a-hydrogen-powered-sports-car-with-vtolthat-gives-blowjobs/114415/20 "2002-06-17T10:54:00Z")
> [@](#): > > _originally posted by TwistOfFate_On behalf of all the men I have to say, cunnilingus is the optional extra. So you have to request it specifically and put up with all the other crap that comes with it? Why am I not surprised? bella–🙂 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jesus-is-not-a-hydrogen-powered-sports-car-with-vtolthat-gives-blowjobs/114415.md?page=2)