# Jingle Bells, Batman smells **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 8, 1999, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jingle-bells-batman-smells/11999 "1999-12-08T19:01:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![muffinman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e8c25b/32.png) [@muffinman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muffinman)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 1999, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jingle-bells-batman-smells/11999/41 "1999-12-10T03:52:00Z")
Here’s a couple I learned from my dad (don’t laugh at my weird family) Old McDonald sittin on a bench, floggin his dick with a monkey wrench. Missed his dick and hit his balls. Shit 'em out on his overalls! Old Mr. Prick had a 6 foot dick, and he showed it to the woman next door. She thought it was a snake, and chopped it with a rake, and now it’s only 3 foot 4. If you don’t work with total vigor, they’ll replace youw with a n-----. There’s a skeeter on my peter, SLAP IT OFF!!! THere’s another on my brother, SLAP IT OFF!!! There’s a dozen on my cousin, can’t you hear them fuckers buzzin, There’s a skeeter on my peter, SLAP IT OFF!!! and the granddaddy of all “On top of spagetti…” On top of old smokey, all covered with sand. I killed poor old (enter name), with a red rubber band. I shot him with pleasure, I shot him with pride. I couldn’t have missed him, he’s 40 feet wide. I went to his funeral I went to his grave Some people threw flowers, but I threw grenades. And then 10 years later, he came back once more. And so I kicked (enter name)'s butt right out the door!!! * * * I heard a knock at the door of my heart, but it was a vacuum cleaner salesman! ---
**Author:** ![Ursa\_Major](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/a88e57/32.png) [@Ursa\_Major](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ursa_Major)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 1999, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jingle-bells-batman-smells/11999/42 "1999-12-10T04:05:00Z")
I can confirm the OP’s version was popular in California in the mid-'60s. How about this rendition of the Woody Guthrie classic: This land is my land and only my land If you don’t get off I’ll blow your head off I’ve got a shotgun and you ain’t got one This land was made for only me. There was also a burn-down-the-school-kill-all-the-teachers song set to “Battle Hymn of the Republic” but I don’t remember all the words. ---
**Author:** ![Seraphim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ad7895/32.png) [@Seraphim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Seraphim)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 1999, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jingle-bells-batman-smells/11999/43 "1999-12-10T04:06:00Z")
I’m surprised no one mentioned this song, popular in the schoolyard I grew up in: Do your balls hang low? Do they wobble to-and-fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow? Can you throw’em over your shoulder Like a continental soldier? Do you balls…hang…low? ---
**Author:** ![timmar68](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/97f17d/32.png) [@timmar68](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/timmar68)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 1999, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jingle-bells-batman-smells/11999/44 "1999-12-10T04:06:00Z")
Here’s what we sang on Guam instead of “Jingle bells”- Here we are on Guam Without a hope of snow Under spreading palms Typhoons sure to blow (whoosh!). Santa Claus will know What the traffic will allow… Instead of riding 8 reindeer he’ll ride 8 caribou! Jungle bells, coconut shells, stickleburrs all the way Oh, what fun it is to ride in a caribou cart today, hey! Jungle bells, coconut shells, stickleburrs all the way Oh, what fun it is to ride in a caribou cart today! They pronounced caribou like cari-bow (“bow” rhymes with “cow”). * * * MaryAnn No, stupid, it’s a boat! ---
**Author:** ![RoboDude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bbe5ce/32.png) [@RoboDude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RoboDude)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 1999, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jingle-bells-batman-smells/11999/45 "1999-12-10T04:08:00Z")
Does anyone remember the rest of the words to this song? When you’re ridin’ in a Chevy and you feel something heavy, Diarrhea, diarrhea Whwn you’re climbin’ up a ladder and you feel something splatter Diarrhea, diarrhea etc… ---
**Author:** ![voguevixen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b5ac83/32.png) [@voguevixen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/voguevixen)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 1999, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jingle-bells-batman-smells/11999/46 "1999-12-10T04:17:00Z")
My Eyes have seen the glory of the burning of the school we have tortured every teacher, we have broken every rule That’s all I remember! Also: Ta ra ra boom de ay! We have no school today the teacher passed away ta ra ra boom de ay Ta ra ra boom de ay we threw her in the bay they sharks had lunch today ta ra ra boom de ay. Anyone? * * * "There’s a snake in my boot! ---
**Author:** ![Wicked\_Blue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/2acd7d/32.png) [@Wicked\_Blue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wicked_Blue)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 1999, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jingle-bells-batman-smells/11999/47 "1999-12-10T04:21:00Z")
Oooh…the diarrhea song! My friends and I could keep this song going forever! When you’re looking at the moon, and you hear a ka-boom, diarrhea (fart-fart) diarrhea When you’re sitting on a rock, and it’s running down your sock, diarrhea (fart-fart) diarrhea Some people think it’s gross, but it’s really good on toast, diarrhea (fart-fart) diarrhea I’ll post more if I think of it 🙂 Blue * * * “I wore an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time…” ---
**Author:** ![voguevixen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b5ac83/32.png) [@voguevixen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/voguevixen)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 1999, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jingle-bells-batman-smells/11999/48 "1999-12-10T04:53:00Z")
I remembered the chorus: Glory, glory, Hallelujah teacher hit me with a ruler so I blew her out the door with a loaded 44 now teacher ain’t teacher no more! (alternate: “so I hit her in the bean with a rotten tangerine” don’t know what the last line was to that variation) * * * "There’s a snake in my boot! ---
**Author:** ![Ophanim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8491ac/32.png) [@Ophanim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ophanim)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 1999, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jingle-bells-batman-smells/11999/49 "1999-12-10T05:24:00Z")
Jingle Bells go to hell You can kiss my butt You’re such a rotten loser And your mother is a slut Ho! Your mother’s in the kitchen Giving Santa head Your sister’s in the bathroom Screwing Mr. Ed Whee! I just made that one up! What a sophomoric prick I am. * * * This is HDTV, it has better resolution than the real world - Fry ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 1999, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jingle-bells-batman-smells/11999/50 "1999-12-10T05:28:00Z")
I remember the Battle Hymn as: Mine eyes have seen the glory of the burning of the school We have tortured every teacher, we have broken every rule And tomorrow after school we’re gonna hang the principal (His truth is marching on??) Glory, glory, Hallelujah Teacher hit me with a ruler So I met her after school with my loaded .44 And she ain’t my teacher any more. ---
**Author:** ![Enright3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/enright3/32/2897_2.png) [@Enright3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enright3)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 1999, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jingle-bells-batman-smells/11999/51 "1999-12-10T15:14:00Z")
Yay [insert name] He’s our leader, He’s the one who sucks our peter, For a nickle or a dime, He will do it any time, If no money, that’s the key! [insert name] does it free! ---
**Author:** ![Pixoid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Pixoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pixoid)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 1999, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jingle-bells-batman-smells/11999/52 "1999-12-10T17:04:00Z")
Speaking of teacher jingles: Row, row, row your boat, Gently down the stream, Throw your teacher overboard And listen to her scream. Five days later, Floatin’ down the Delaware, Chewin’ on her underwear, Wish she had another pair. Eight days later, Eaten by a polar bear, And that’s how the polar bear died. * * * Question authority–just not mine. ---
**Author:** ![neuro-trash\_grrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3ab097/32.png) [@neuro-trash\_grrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/neuro-trash_grrrl)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 1999, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jingle-bells-batman-smells/11999/53 "1999-12-10T17:52:00Z")
I learned: …I met her in the attic with a semi-automatic And she ain’t my teacher no moooooooore… Also, a couple more verses to the diarrhea song: When you’re sliding into first And your pants are gonna burst Diarrhea, diarrhea When you’re sliding into second And can’t hold it another second Diarrhea, diarrhea When you’re sliding into third And you feel a great big turd Diarrhea, diarrhea * * * “That’s entertainment!” —Vlad the Impaler ---
**Author:** ![Jake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f475e1/32.png) [@Jake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jake)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 1999, 6:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jingle-bells-batman-smells/11999/54 "1999-12-11T06:17:00Z")
Not exactly a kid’s song but I thought I’d pass this along: (Sung to the tune of ‘My Bonnie…’) My father sells snow to the junkies, my mother makes synthetic gin, my sister makes love for a living, my God how the money rolls in! Say goodnight, Gracy… ---
**Author:** ![G.B.H.Hornswoggler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c67d28/32.png) [@G.B.H.Hornswoggler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/G.B.H.Hornswoggler)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 1999, 6:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jingle-bells-batman-smells/11999/55 "1999-12-11T06:43:00Z")
I always heard the refrain of the “Battle Hymn of the Republic Kill-Your-Teacher” version as: Glory, Glory Hallelujah Teacher hit me with a ruler Met her at the door with a loaded .44 And she don’t teach no more (I tried to sing some of the other versions posted here, and there seemed to be too many words in the last line for the meter.) And I’ve always sang “My Bonnie” as: My father lies over the ocean My mother lies over the sea My father lies over my mother And that’s how they got little me! * * * …but when you get blue, and you’ve lost all your dreams, there’s nothing like a campfire and a can of beans! ---
**Author:** ![MrsBWayne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8797f3/32.png) [@MrsBWayne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrsBWayne)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 1999, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jingle-bells-batman-smells/11999/56 "1999-12-10T19:32:00Z")
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the burning of the school we have tortured every teacher we have broken every rule we are going to hang the principle tomorrow after school our troops are marching on! glory glory hallelujah teacher hit me with a ruler met her at the door with a loaded .44 now she don’t teach no more. …is how I remember it. it used to be a funny song, now it’s a headline! eek! ---
**Author:** ![voguevixen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b5ac83/32.png) [@voguevixen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/voguevixen)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 1999, 3:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jingle-bells-batman-smells/11999/57 "1999-12-11T03:44:00Z")
Did anyone else ever sing: I’m Popeye the sailor man I live in a frying pan they turned on the gas and burned off my ass I’m Popeye the sailor man! (TOOT TOOT!) there are other verses where he lives in a garbage can and a Ford sedan, but danged if I can remember them. * * * "There’s a snake in my boot! ---
**Author:** ![timmar68](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/97f17d/32.png) [@timmar68](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/timmar68)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 1999, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jingle-bells-batman-smells/11999/58 "1999-12-11T04:07:00Z")
We used to sing- I’m Popeye the sailor man I live in a garbage can. I only go swimming With bow legged wimmin I’m Popeye the sailor man! Toot toot! * * * MaryAnn No, stupid, it’s a boat! ---
**Author:** ![melanietarrant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/898d66/32.png) [@melanietarrant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/melanietarrant)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 1999, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jingle-bells-batman-smells/11999/59 "1999-12-11T05:18:00Z")
sung to “we wish you a merry christmas” we wish you weren’t living with us we wish you weren’t living with us we wish you weren’t living with us so get out of here excuse me if i’m mistaken those are long distance call you’re makin’ how long do you plan on takin’ advantage of us you’re hopelessly fat and lazy you’re constantly in the way see you’re driving us crazy please get out of here ---
**Author:** ![Wicked\_Blue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/2acd7d/32.png) [@Wicked\_Blue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wicked_Blue)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 1999, 7:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jingle-bells-batman-smells/11999/60 "1999-12-11T07:09:00Z")
This one is sung to the tune of ‘The Addams Family’ The (insert name here) family started When Mrs\_\_\_\_\_ farted They all became retarded The \_\_\_\_\_\_ family Blue (responding to her OP for the 4th time) * * * “I wore an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time…” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jingle-bells-batman-smells/11999.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jingle-bells-batman-smells/11999.md?page=4)