# Job/Baby Conundrum **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 24, 2011, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/job-baby-conundrum/590211 "2011-07-24T21:47:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Phlosphr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c68b51/32.png) [@Phlosphr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Phlosphr)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/job-baby-conundrum/590211/61 "2011-07-27T16:04:19Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > \ > Both can be very aware of “Mom, don’t embarrass me.” If we go to a movie and they spot friends of theirs, the chances we meet them outside the theater instead of them sitting with us go way up. I make my son cuddle on the couch with me and watch TV when he is home alone, because I know touching him in public is just WRONG! Well of course you can’t actually touch them in public! LOL! I’ll be in my late 40’s when my kid is a tween, so I can only hope my coolness factor is still intact – but I have no delusions that it actually will be! My wife is very hands off and likes her independence, so it will be interesting to see how that translates into caring for an infant…All I know is that she gets very misty when we get clothes from family in the mail and she sees those little socks that are the size of a Walnut - instant meltdown. ---
**Author:** ![bordelond](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bordelond/32/150_2.png) [@bordelond](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bordelond)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/job-baby-conundrum/590211/62 "2011-07-27T16:21:31Z")
**Pbbth** – thanks for indulging my curiosity. I think **Dangerosa** gives great advice in post #59. If you can transition from time-oriented to task-oriented work within the same company that already values you professionally, so much the better. But if not? Well, I’ve read this thread, and seen that there is a consensus that “_Kids kill women’s careers. Full stop._” Anecdotes are not data, but both my sister and my wife have gotten much better-paying jobs after having children than they had before hand. _Disclosure_: neither went to college, neither were fast-track professionals, and both were adminstrative assistants that basically stayed with admin-type work. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/job-baby-conundrum/590211/63 "2011-07-27T16:41:50Z")
> [@bordelond](#): > > **Pbbth** – thanks for indulging my curiosity. > > I think **Dangerosa** gives great advice in post #59. If you can transition from time-oriented to task-oriented work within the same company that already values you professionally, so much the better. > > But if not? Well, I’ve read this thread, and seen that there is a consensus that “_Kids kill women’s careers. Full stop._” Anecdotes are not data, but both my sister and my wife have gotten much better-paying jobs after having children than they had before hand. _Disclosure_: neither went to college, neither were fast-track professionals, and both were adminstrative assistants that basically stayed with admin-type work. Oh, absolutely not. I’ve worked outside the home with kids and have been successful. Friends have stayed home and then reentered the workforce and been quite successful. But its going to depend on the job and the person (as well as the economy. Getting back into the workforce in 1999 after a Mommy Gap was a different deal than getting back in in 2009.) ---
**Author:** ![raspberry\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@raspberry\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raspberry_hunter)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/job-baby-conundrum/590211/64 "2011-07-27T16:42:18Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > I have considered that part of myself when making a decision about all of this and that is why I’m looking to go back to work part time so that I don’t feel like I’m not a functioning part of society. It is also important to have interactions with other adults so you don’t spend your whole day wanting to stab Dora the Explorer in the face. I also want my child to understand that in a family everybody has to work in some fashion to contribute to the household so that when she gets older she doesn’t fight the concept of getting a job and taking care of some of her own expenses the way a few of the kids in my high school did. > > However, when I think back on my childhood with 2 working parents I honestly don’t remember a whole lot of my parents until about the time I started school. Most of my earliest memories are of grandparents, babysitters, and daycare centers, many of them bad. I remember the babysitter that taught me to tie my shoes and the babysitter that helped me write a letter to a clown that had a TV show I watched regularly, but I also remember the babysitter that napped for 6 hours a day and left me to do pretty much nothing and the daycare center where one of the employees would steal the snack my mom put in my bag for me and make me watch him eat it every day. Not everyone who cares for children is good at their job or even nice to the kids in their care and often kids are afraid to say anything or don’t understand that what is happening to them is wrong. I trust that my parents vetted each person or center where they left me while they were at work and I know that the places that were bad weren’t places that cared for me for too long but considering that they each worked 40 hours a week I’m sure they only had so much time they could take off work to spend at day care centers and such to see where they would be comfortable sending me every day. I don’t want that for my kid if I can help it, you know? > > It seems like this is going to be a fine line to walk and no matter what decision I make I’m going to feel like the grass might have been greener on the other side. The whole decision making process gets a lot more difficult when it is someone else’s life you are potentially screwing up! 😛 **pbbth** , this sounds like you have put a lot of good thought into it. As I said above, I highly recommend the part-time working solution – I really feel like I have the best of both worlds, as I can spend a large amount of quality time with my child, but at the same time get away and have my own life with other adults and other ways of valuing myself besides how many times I read Goodnight Moon today. Working part-time at a more flexible job also has allowed me to put the time into vetting childcare providers so that I am confident that my Little One is doing well with her (as I said before, her current one is so good that I regularly steal ideas from her). ---
**Author:** ![bordelond](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bordelond/32/150_2.png) [@bordelond](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bordelond)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/job-baby-conundrum/590211/65 "2011-07-27T16:52:11Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > Getting back into the workforce in 1999 after a Mommy Gap was a different deal than getting back in in 2009. Granted. It may be, accordingly, that **pbbth’s** timing is perfect – perhaps she’ll end up sitting out the worst of the doldrums and return to a significantly improved economy. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/job-baby-conundrum/590211/66 "2011-07-27T19:05:49Z")
> [@bordelond](#): > > Granted. It may be, accordingly, that **pbbth’s** timing is perfect – perhaps she’ll end up sitting out the worst of the doldrums and return to a significantly improved economy. Yep.. (and I hope so, I think we all want a better unemployment situation that what we have and that we aren’t sitting here when pbbth’s baby is starting first grade with 9% unemployment).. just one of those unquantifiable risks you take when switching careers - any career switch - where your fallback plan is “I can always go back to what I was doing.” ---
**Author:** ![Eureka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/74df32/32.png) [@Eureka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eureka)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/job-baby-conundrum/590211/67 "2011-07-27T21:44:50Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > It seems like this is going to be a fine line to walk and no matter what decision I make I’m going to feel like the grass might have been greener on the other side. The whole decision making process gets a lot more difficult when it is someone else’s life you are potentially screwing up! 😛 Technically speaking, the advice column I am about to recommend to you does not deal with this job vs. baby issue. However, I think her advice to this mother a few years further into the child raising than you are is advice you should read (and possibly absorb into your marrow). [Carolyn Hax Column](http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/avoiding-the-my-son-is-better-than-yours-mind-set/2011/07/12/gIQAKrrzTI_story.html) ---
**Author:** ![psychobunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/54ee81/32.png) [@psychobunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/psychobunny)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2011, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/job-baby-conundrum/590211/68 "2011-07-27T22:46:29Z")
Just a suggestion-you say you have enough life insurance on your husband. Make sure that you really have enough so that you can live on the interest indefinitely. Assuming a 4-5% return, that means at least 20-25 times his annual salary. Term is cheap and if you have enough then if God forbid something happens to him, you will still have the same amount of money as his current salary coming in without dipping into the principal. ---
**Author:** ![lorene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/65b543/32.png) [@lorene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lorene)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2011, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/job-baby-conundrum/590211/69 "2011-07-28T01:46:45Z")
> [@bordelond](#): > > But if not? Well, I’ve read this thread, and seen that there is a consensus that “_Kids kill women’s careers. Full stop._” Anecdotes are not data, but both my sister and my wife have gotten much better-paying jobs after having children than they had before hand. _Disclosure_: neither went to college, neither were fast-track professionals, and both were adminstrative assistants that basically stayed with admin-type work. Add me to your data collection. I make $25,000/year more than I did before kids, and I have a much more reliable schedule. I very rarely bring work home from the office, and am far less stressed than I’ve been in any job for the past decade. A lot of it is about the fit. ---
**Author:** ![Rhiannon8404](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rhiannon8404/32/17929_2.png) [@Rhiannon8404](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhiannon8404)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2011, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/job-baby-conundrum/590211/70 "2011-07-28T02:20:31Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > This is another thing to consider with kids… > > A lot of SAHMs think that they’ll stay home when the kids are little. But they are surprisingly needy at that 12 to 16 age. Its not difficult (but it IS expensive) to find quality daycare for a two year old. Its harder to find someone who will make sure your 13 year old gets on the bus, does his homework, gets picked up from practice - that person is almost always Mom or Dad. And its really hard to find someone who isn’t you who can help guide them through the minefield of high school/middle school (e.g. sex, drugs, alcohol, misbehaving). You may discover your kids need you MORE when they are tweens/teens than when they were young. > > (Good kids are easy from 10ish to 16ish - no guarantee they’ll be “good” though. But if you are going to keep them busy with something other than TV/Video Games, you spend a lot of time in the car. You have time to read while they are at practice - which you never did when they were little and you were watching them all the time. But it isn’t like the time becomes all yours.) This is exactly what drove my decision to go back to work 12 weeks after the Kiddo was born. My goal was to work, fund my 401K, and pay off as many bills as I could over the next 5-10 years. (Plus I worked for a family friendly company). Then I was going to be a SAHM. My short (and overly simplistic) answer to people who questioned this was that no one was going to try to sell him drugs on the way home from preschool, but they might on the way home from middle school. The stars were in alignment and I was able to quit the summer before Kindergarten. I would not trade those first 5 years the the last 8 for any amount of money. ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2011, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/job-baby-conundrum/590211/71 "2011-07-28T16:21:00Z")
> [@bordelond](#): > > **Pbbth** – thanks for indulging my curiosity. > > I think **Dangerosa** gives great advice in post #59. If you can transition from time-oriented to task-oriented work within the same company that already values you professionally, so much the better. I’ve considered that but I don’t think it would help much. One of the people in another department just had a baby on Tuesday. His wife delivered at 25 or 26 weeks and his newborn is just over 2 lbs. He was back in the office yesterday. The fact that he didn’t feel like he could take 2 days to spend with his wife and his son after what was probably a pretty traumatic situation for all of them tells me that it isn’t much better anywhere else in the company than it is in this department. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![raspberry\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@raspberry\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raspberry_hunter)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2011, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/job-baby-conundrum/590211/72 "2011-07-28T16:47:42Z")
…You might ask him. At my company it is usual for dads to come back to the office after a couple of days or so, but as I’ve said we are very flexible, and there was no problem with my taking around four months off (though I did attend one or two meetings during this time, and in general was available for questions about my projects). I get the distinct impression that, at my company at least, a large part of the going-back-to-the-office is due to a) sheer relief at being able to get away from home/hospital with a baby that’s crying all the time, a mom that’s crying all the time, and possibly in-laws who are underfoot all the time; b) not feeling that there is anything he can really do to help at home, particularly if in-laws are around (my husband was in the office – although not full-time – at 2-3 days in because he felt helpless at home because my mom took over), and c) personal guilt at work piling up. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2011, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/job-baby-conundrum/590211/73 "2011-07-28T20:16:25Z")
> [@raspberry\_hunter](#): > > …You might ask him. At my company it is usual for dads to come back to the office after a couple of days or so, but as I’ve said we are very flexible, and there was no problem with my taking around four months off (though I did attend one or two meetings during this time, and in general was available for questions about my projects). > > I get the distinct impression that, at my company at least, a large part of the going-back-to-the-office is due to a) sheer relief at being able to get away from home/hospital with a baby that’s crying all the time, a mom that’s crying all the time, and possibly in-laws who are underfoot all the time; b) not feeling that there is anything he can really do to help at home, particularly if in-laws are around (my husband was in the office – although not full-time – at 2-3 days in because he felt helpless at home because my mom took over), and c) personal guilt at work piling up. Also, while it isn’t fair, fathers are still treated differently over this sort of thing than mothers are. By companies, by society, and by themselves. Taking more time off under FMLA is unpaid time, so its possible that they couldn’t afford it. And a premie baby is an emergency - that’s a different scenario than talking to people now about a responsibility switch when you return from maternity leave and beginning to look for a plan a job that might be more mommy friendly. ---
**Author:** ![Eureka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/74df32/32.png) [@Eureka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eureka)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2011, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/job-baby-conundrum/590211/74 "2011-07-28T20:25:56Z")
Also (with respect to the New Dad of a preemie back at work situation), he may be thinking that with the baby born this early, there may come times later on when he’s more needed than right now. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Or alternatively, if he wasn’t prepared for baby to be born this early, he may feel more need to finish work stuff up before he devotes himself to baby. Of course, pressure to put his job over the baby is not at all impossible, it’s just not neccesarily the only thing going on in this situation. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/job-baby-conundrum/590211.md?page=3)