# John and Mary Bob and Alice **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 28, 2013, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/john-and-mary-bob-and-alice/654188 "2013-03-28T16:47:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 7\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Shmendrik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Shmendrik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shmendrik)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2013, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/john-and-mary-bob-and-alice/654188/21 "2013-03-29T03:11:20Z")
> [@panache45](#): > > If morality doesn’t serve the purpose of the people involved, and serves only to make them miserable, then it’s not a morality anyone should subscribe to. Kant, right? ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2013, 7:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/john-and-mary-bob-and-alice/654188/22 "2013-03-29T07:39:06Z")
> [@sahirrnee](#): > > None of these people hate their spouses. > **Divorce is not option for various reasons not limited to finances, family, etc.** > Dividing assets after 40 years of marriage may not be good for anybody. > > . And this is the biggest bull shit line of the thrread. Can’t do it because of family? The kids are frick’n adults. Seeing as thousands of children adjust to their parents divorcing while they are still kids, I’m pretty damn sure adults would be able to handle it just fine. Sure, you might not like the backlash, but hey, B&M decided to cheat so maybe they should stand up and accept responsibility for their own actions. Finances? Yeah, it sucks to give up half of everything you own but tough shit. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2013, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/john-and-mary-bob-and-alice/654188/23 "2013-03-29T18:46:00Z")
What **Heart of Dorkness** said fits my opinions, pretty much. If you are caring for an ill spouse who cannot engage in a conversation about opening up the marriage to get your needs met, then I do not consider that cheating (or wrong) to find some happiness elsewhere. I remember reading about Justice Sandra Day O’Connor’s reverse situation, where her Alzheimer’s-afflicted husband was in a nursing home due to his illness and her inability to care for him at their home. He ended up becoming enamored of another woman there, and the Justice was just happy that he was able to interact with someone. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2013, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/john-and-mary-bob-and-alice/654188/24 "2013-03-29T20:11:16Z")
> [@panache45](#): > > All things considered, it would be a shame for them to NOT be together intimately. I would not call it cheating or having an affair. I’d call it a healthy relationship. But what of morality? If morality doesn’t serve the purpose of the people involved, and serves only to make them miserable, then it’s not a morality anyone should subscribe to. I would say it “serves the purpose” of harming their spouses. It’s not healthy to deceive your spouse. “All things considered”, if they want to be together, then they have to make sacrifices and end their current marriages. ---
**Author:** ![Eureka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/74df32/32.png) [@Eureka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eureka)\ **Post date:** [March 29, 2013, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/john-and-mary-bob-and-alice/654188/25 "2013-03-29T21:55:48Z")
> [@](#): > > I’m just asking if it’s always morally wrong to cheat. Yes. It is always morally wrong to cheat. Phrase things differently, and you might get different answers–not everyone would agree that your spouse should be your sole provider of emotional or sexual intimacy. And many would agree that if your spouse is ok with not being the sole provider, then it isn’t cheating. And there are probably people–not neccessarily those posting in this thread–who would find that having sex with persons other than your spouse to be a much lesser evil than abandoning that spouse after decades of marriage. But there’s no “my marriage is crappy but I don’t want to end it” get out of jail free card. ---
**Author:** ![Sahirrnee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sahirrnee/32/13937_2.png) [@Sahirrnee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sahirrnee)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2013, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/john-and-mary-bob-and-alice/654188/26 "2013-03-30T17:21:10Z")
I guess I am one of the few who does think divorcing/abandoning an incapacitated spouse is worse than cheating. By divorcing them you are no longer involved in their care, you can’t make decisions about their care anymore. The children may or may not step up to the responsibility. I have no idea how the divorce would affect their health insurance and/or the quality of care they receive. Would you rather your father put your mother in a nursing home and divorced her, or that he stay married to her and has a discrete affair? Would you rather your mother divorce your ailing father and put his care into the hands of strangers or on you, or that she stay with him and have her ‘nights out’? If you were the one with alzheimers or bedridden would you rather get divorced or accept that your spouse has needs you can no longer meet and let them do what they will? If you were in a nursing home would you want your spouse to spend the last 10, 15 or even 20 years of their life alone? ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [March 30, 2013, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/john-and-mary-bob-and-alice/654188/27 "2013-03-30T18:22:55Z")
> [@sahirrnee](#): > > Would you rather your father put your mother in a nursing home and divorced her, or that he stay married to her and has a discrete affair? > Would you rather your mother divorce your ailing father and put his care into the hands of strangers or on you, or that she stay with him and have her ‘nights out’? Doesn’t matter what I would want. What does the ailing parent want ? If the ailing parent doesn’t mind- then it’s not cheating. If the ailing parent prefers divorce, well, then that was their choice and I wouldn’t necessarily see the other spouse as abandoning the ailing person. > [@](#): > > If you were the one with alzheimers or bedridden would you rather get divorced or accept that your spouse has needs you can no longer meet and let them do what they will? > If you were in a nursing home would you want your spouse to spend the last 10, 15 or even 20 years of their life alone? Don’t know, but unless I’m not mentally competent , it should be my choice whether I want to remain married to someone who’s having an affair or if I would rather be divorced. Not my kids and not my husband’s. I don’t have a problem with the idea of one spouse not minding if the other has “affairs”. I have a problem with the idea of one spouse imposing it upon the other without the second party’s knowledge. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/john-and-mary-bob-and-alice/654188.md?page=1)