# John Carter of Mars **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [April 13, 2002, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/john-carter-of-mars/103490 "2002-04-13T22:45:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2002, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/john-carter-of-mars/103490/1 "2002-04-13T22:45:46Z")
Conan could beat his ass. ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2002, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/john-carter-of-mars/103490/2 "2002-04-13T22:53:05Z")
Conan O’Brien? ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2002, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/john-carter-of-mars/103490/3 "2002-04-13T22:58:16Z")
Conan O’brien could probably beat Tom Cruise’s ass. 🙂 [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?postid=1995591#post1995591](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?postid=1995591#post1995591) ---
**Author:** ![Tars\_Tarkas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Tars\_Tarkas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tars_Tarkas)\ **Post date:** [April 13, 2002, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/john-carter-of-mars/103490/4 "2002-04-13T23:42:27Z")
Yeah, well, Tarzan could beat up a venus flytrap!!! (BTW, i just picked up Burrough’s _The Lad and the Lion_ at a used bookstore on the way back from lunch! almost makes up for being homeless!!) ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2002, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/john-carter-of-mars/103490/5 "2002-04-14T00:33:49Z")
Well, Tarzan, sure! Did I say anything about Lord Greystoke, Mr. Smartypants? [http://www.sarracenia.com/faq/faq1380.html](http://www.sarracenia.com/faq/faq1380.html) ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2002, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/john-carter-of-mars/103490/6 "2002-04-14T00:35:43Z")
And Ayesha could smack 'em ALL silly. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2002, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/john-carter-of-mars/103490/7 "2002-04-14T00:56:38Z")
Oh yeah? Who’s SHE? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2002, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/john-carter-of-mars/103490/8 "2002-04-14T01:24:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by carnivorousplant \* > \*\*Conan could beat his ass. \*\* **Bring it on then** , if that’s what you think! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2002, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/john-carter-of-mars/103490/9 "2002-04-14T01:34:15Z")
Dammit, I **HATE** being upstaged in my own thread! :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2002, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/john-carter-of-mars/103490/10 "2002-04-14T01:37:46Z")
HA! I got it. Tars, lets you and him fight. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Tars\_Tarkas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Tars\_Tarkas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tars_Tarkas)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2002, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/john-carter-of-mars/103490/11 "2002-04-14T01:41:17Z")
Sadly, this is only the second or third thread me and **JCoM** have both posted in! Me fight JC? no way! But i could take out Conan, he’d be all “Krom Krom!” and i’d be all “Eat Barsoomian Radium Bullets, two arm!!!” ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2002, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/john-carter-of-mars/103490/12 "2002-04-14T01:43:58Z")
Oh yeah? Youse guys keep dissin’ my thread and that green alligator/dog thing is gonna pee on your shoes! (Weren’t John and Tars enemies at first? What was the dog thing named? First response wins a cyber cookie.) ---
**Author:** ![Tars\_Tarkas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Tars\_Tarkas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tars_Tarkas)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2002, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/john-carter-of-mars/103490/13 "2002-04-14T01:51:35Z")
Woola the calot was the dog, and when Tars Tarkas was but a cheiftain under the dispicable Tal Hajus, he befriended Carter. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2002, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/john-carter-of-mars/103490/14 "2002-04-14T02:07:18Z")
Me an’ **Tars** will take on Tarzan and Conan and kick their booties all over Barsoom. We won’t even need Woola, he and his pack can rest, waiting until it’s time for Conan/Tarzan snacks. Leave that\*\* Ayesha\*\* out of this. If she’s anything like the one that posts on SDMB, I ain’t messin’ with her! ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2002, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/john-carter-of-mars/103490/15 "2002-04-14T18:05:50Z")
Look, folks, it’s simple logic. John Carter is the mightiest warrior on any of the terrestrial planets. Earth is a terrestrial planet. Conan is on Earth. Therefore, it trivially follows that John Carter is mightier than Conan. But, of course, if they did fight, it would be the greatest fight Carter had ever fought, and against the mightiest opponent :D.