# Join the Cecilian Mafia! **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 16, 2000, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/join-the-cecilian-mafia/22578 "2000-06-16T14:00:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![red\_dragon60](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ce73a5/32.png) [@red\_dragon60](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/red_dragon60)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2000, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/join-the-cecilian-mafia/22578/1 "2000-06-16T14:00:40Z")
This is your chance to join the exclusive Cecilian mafia! We work for the good of our great Don, Cecil Adams. Our goal is to raise funds in _ahem_ semi-legal _ahem cough cough_ ways. Then our funds will be used to fund the Great Don’s holy work. Just about every position is available. Just post in and tell me what you want your job to be. We can work on it from there. Now to get rid of those BBQ pit yakuza who act like they own EVERYTHING… ---
**Author:** ![Milossarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Milossarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Milossarian)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2000, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/join-the-cecilian-mafia/22578/2 "2000-06-16T14:07:42Z")
Is there any sort of “officer training” program I can enter? Or do I have to start out as a goon? Let’s go bust Marilyn Vos Savant’s kneecaps! ---
**Author:** ![Tymp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Tymp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tymp)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2000, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/join-the-cecilian-mafia/22578/3 "2000-06-16T14:09:08Z")
I do own a pinstripe, double-breasted suit and an extra long trench coat. That gotta count for something. Although II do come up a little short in the tommy gun department, I think I’d make a pretty good wise guy. So, Don Zotti, ya wants I should take this BANNED guy out and make ‘im dead? ---
**Author:** ![red\_dragon60](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ce73a5/32.png) [@red\_dragon60](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/red_dragon60)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2000, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/join-the-cecilian-mafia/22578/4 "2000-06-16T14:14:36Z")
Little Milo- You’re one of da goons now! I say we go take out a little competition, eh? You got your pipe? Let’s go “rearrange” that crone Von Savant. tymp “the brains”- tag along with us, maybe you can distract her while we preform on the spot chiropracty. And bring that trench coat, you might need to pack some heat. ---
**Author:** ![yojimbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yojimbo/32/232_2.png) [@yojimbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yojimbo)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2000, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/join-the-cecilian-mafia/22578/5 "2000-06-16T14:16:14Z")
I’d like to apply for the position as “goon” also . While I hope to move up within the “family” , I would enjoy nothing better than helping WebMasterUSA sleep with some fishes . And I don’t mean in the Troy McClure way . Eeewwww … ---
**Author:** ![Milossarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Milossarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Milossarian)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2000, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/join-the-cecilian-mafia/22578/6 "2000-06-16T14:19:41Z")
jodih usually doesn’t come to MPSIMS. Any other attorneys out there who want counsilieri? ---
**Author:** ![Argeable](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b5ac83/32.png) [@Argeable](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Argeable)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2000, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/join-the-cecilian-mafia/22578/7 "2000-06-16T14:22:23Z")
I’m your police contact. For a generous…contracting fee…I’ll let you know about all the police activity. Of course, I may have to occasionally make busts, but I’ll clear 'em with you guys first. Everybody comes home happy, y’know? ---
**Author:** ![Tymp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Tymp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tymp)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2000, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/join-the-cecilian-mafia/22578/8 "2000-06-16T14:24:06Z")
You wanna be the muscle that hangs onto the side of Cecil’s Bently wielding a machine gun? ---
**Author:** ![red\_dragon60](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ce73a5/32.png) [@red\_dragon60](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/red_dragon60)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2000, 2:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/join-the-cecilian-mafia/22578/9 "2000-06-16T14:27:20Z")
yo “trigger” jimbo- consider it done. WebMasterUSA has been an enemy of the family for quite a long time. Join us, and help us “erase him from the board.” Little Milo- I think Nachos4Sara and Drain Bead are in law school. Maybe they might enjoy a little supplement from the family if they want to “assist” us. Ladies? Argreeable- it is done. If you need to raid us, hit the coffee shop on 5th street. I hear another gang is forming there. ---
**Author:** ![TwistofFate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@TwistofFate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TwistofFate)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2000, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/join-the-cecilian-mafia/22578/10 "2000-06-16T14:30:30Z")
I’d love to join, but only if I get to put a Horses head in the bed of our enemies… ---
**Author:** ![Globe-trotter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/cab0a1/32.png) [@Globe-trotter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Globe-trotter)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2000, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/join-the-cecilian-mafia/22578/11 "2000-06-16T14:37:13Z")
Surely you need your own femme fatale… I volunteer to do a little work for you chaps. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Mullinator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@Mullinator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mullinator)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2000, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/join-the-cecilian-mafia/22578/12 "2000-06-16T15:48:21Z")
Just looking at me, one might want to think o me strictly as muscle for this little organization. But, I can serve a far greater duty. You see, I am an accountant. You need to run some numbers? Pyramid scheme? Bank falsification? Secret accounts? Laundering? Any other number/monetary thing you can think of, I am your man. Just give me pencils, paper, and numbers and watch how our organization will be able to claim losses on our returns every year from our “legitimate” shoe repair operation. ---
**Author:** ![Spolvy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Spolvy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spolvy)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2000, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/join-the-cecilian-mafia/22578/13 "2000-06-16T16:06:11Z")
I also know a thing or two about hiding money…Just ask my ex-wife…er…wait…nevermind I am a trader/broker and can move $$$ in an instant… I’ll help anywhere I can! ---
**Author:** ![Kiki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/dc4da7/32.png) [@Kiki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kiki)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2000, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/join-the-cecilian-mafia/22578/14 "2000-06-16T16:14:22Z")
No really. What do women do in the mafia or better yet, what do you want this lady to do? Give me a position and I’ll fill it! (That is in no way meant to be intrepreted as anything sexual.) 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Vestal\_Blue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/5e9695/32.png) [@Vestal\_Blue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vestal_Blue)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2000, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/join-the-cecilian-mafia/22578/15 "2000-06-16T16:18:42Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > I do own a pinstripe, double-breasted suit and an extra long trench coat. That gotta count for something. Although II do come up a little short in the tommy gun department, I think I’d make a pretty good wise guy. > > So, Don Zotti, ya wants I should take this BANNED guy out and make ‘im dead? > > \*\* Can I join? I have a violin case… And I can take undesirables and render their faces concave, if you like! ---
**Author:** ![Padeye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@Padeye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Padeye)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2000, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/join-the-cecilian-mafia/22578/16 "2000-06-16T16:28:24Z")
When you’re bleeding from a hundred gunshots laying facedown in a plage of ziti and sausages in marinara sauce, just remember what Hyman Roth said to Michael Corleone, “this is the business we’ve chosesn.” ---
**Author:** ![red\_dragon60](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ce73a5/32.png) [@red\_dragon60](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/red_dragon60)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2000, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/join-the-cecilian-mafia/22578/17 "2000-06-16T16:28:27Z")
Slick Johnny Larrigan- You will be responsible for placing the horse’s heads on the pillows of all of our enemies. In addition, you will also place cow, duck, and sheep heads, and if the need arises, yak. “sweet” Moosiegirl- Youwill be in charge of all of our espionage. This means you also will have free reign over snuffing those who find you out. “The Mullinator”- How could I ever improve on that name? You will be our bodyguard and resident tough guy. This means that if the time arises, you will be asked to take a bullet for the great Don Cecil. You will run ouur elaborate Ponzi scheme too, making people think that they are really buying upgrades to their Windows operating systems. Clorox Spolvy- I have made you our money launderer. This means that all of our cash has to be clean and pressed, and also deviod of all traces. I think you are particularly suited for the job. Cadillac Rachelle- I have you down for being our driver. I hope you are able to make J turns in large cars. Most of the time though, you will be driving sporty miatas or corvettes, black of course. Our mob rides in style. ---
**Author:** ![red\_dragon60](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ce73a5/32.png) [@red\_dragon60](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/red_dragon60)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2000, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/join-the-cecilian-mafia/22578/18 "2000-06-16T16:35:43Z")
Small addition- Vestal “the vest”-You will be our violin case carrier. Sure, it may look like a violin, but when you finally open the case, it contains-- a viola! Not just any though. It has been fitted with a Heckler and Koch MP5. Only the best of European firearms concealed in our men’s instruments. padeye- I don’t understand. Do you want to be face down in a pile of ziti or do you want to explain how you found this place to The Mullinator and me? ---
**Author:** ![Sledman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/839c29/32.png) [@Sledman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sledman)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2000, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/join-the-cecilian-mafia/22578/19 "2000-06-16T16:42:34Z")
Alright, who do youse guys need whacked?? And this better not be a joke because I already sawed off the barrels on my shotguns. (12 inch barrels really suck for duck season) ---
**Author:** ![Tymp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Tymp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tymp)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2000, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/join-the-cecilian-mafia/22578/20 "2000-06-16T16:42:37Z")
Looks like we’re off and running. Just a few more thugs and we’ll have adequate numbers for an all out war with the Vos Savant family. We’re going to need a good supply of piano wire, troll rifles and pearl handled .45s. Who’s going to be in charge of procuring unregistered weapons? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/join-the-cecilian-mafia/22578.md?page=2)