# Joke lines you can never use in real life... maybe. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 11, 2001, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/joke-lines-you-can-never-use-in-real-life-maybe/92762 "2001-11-11T14:34:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![grimpixie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecb155/32.png) [@grimpixie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grimpixie)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2001, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/joke-lines-you-can-never-use-in-real-life-maybe/92762/41 "2001-11-14T17:02:28Z")
Another line I’m dying to use is the “Pretentious, _moi_?” line from Fawlty Towers. Actually… that’s not true, I use it all the time, but always out of context - I guess I am waiting to be accused of being pretentious!!! 🙂 Gp ---
**Author:** ![Chanteuse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de053/32.png) [@Chanteuse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chanteuse)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2001, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/joke-lines-you-can-never-use-in-real-life-maybe/92762/42 "2001-11-14T17:55:31Z")
I heard this long ago. I can’t remember just who was the person involved, but it happened years ago. A student came in to the classroom early (before the teacher) and wrote two words on the board. One was “hoof.” Directly beneath that he wrote “hearted.” The teacher came in as class began, saw the writing and read aloud, “Hoof, hearted.” Wiseass student replies, “I don’t know, teacher, but it sure wasn’t me!!” Got sent to the principal’s office, but I bet the laugh he got was worth it!! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2001, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/joke-lines-you-can-never-use-in-real-life-maybe/92762/43 "2001-11-14T20:51:12Z")
Bwhaahaa! Must remember… can’t wait. heh heh, hoof hearted, heh heh heh heh. ---
**Author:** ![Myron\_Van\_Horowitzski](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de053/32.png) [@Myron\_Van\_Horowitzski](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Myron_Van_Horowitzski)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2001, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/joke-lines-you-can-never-use-in-real-life-maybe/92762/44 "2001-11-14T21:44:42Z")
::Tries desperately to keep head from exploding due to suppressed laughter. Almost succeeds:: I once knew a woman who kept (I saw it) a jar of Grey Poupon™ in her glove box. But that’s neither here nor there. I used to work in the college bookstore. While I got along well with my boss, he continually had me rolling my eyes at his perceived comedic godhead. I came in one day and could tell right away that he had been waiting all morning for an audience to spring his latest lame joke on. He started hopping across the floor, waiting for me to give the obligatory “Um, okay, so what the hell are you doing?” He stared conspiratorially at me and whispered, “It’s my new electric underwear.” He paused for his great punchline, “I think I have a SHORT!” Oh, ho ho, bwa ha ha you’re so funny. So for the rest of the morning I had to stand there while he replayed the thing for every staff member who wandered by, until my eyeballs were practically orbiting my skull. I couldn’t take it any more… “…I think I have a SHORT!” I snapped, “A short WHAT?!” (You could see it coming. He didn’t) I had to admit, it was pretty cool, for the rest of the day, to watch all the aforementioned staff bust out laughing every time they passed the store again. ---
**Author:** ![AWB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/bb73d2/32.png) [@AWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AWB)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2001, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/joke-lines-you-can-never-use-in-real-life-maybe/92762/45 "2001-11-14T22:56:57Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Enderw24 \* > \*\*Here’s hoping I NEVER hear from my doctor “Oh there’s my thermometer…now where did I leave my pen?” \*\* I always heard it like this: A doctor went to write something on a patient’s chart. He grabbed a thermometer out of his pocket and tried to write with it. He then exclaimed, “Hey! Some asshole has my pen!” ---
**Author:** ![AWB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/bb73d2/32.png) [@AWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AWB)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2001, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/joke-lines-you-can-never-use-in-real-life-maybe/92762/46 "2001-11-14T23:10:56Z")
In junior high algebra class, I asked my teacher “What would be the simplified form of 2 times the quantity 2q plus 3q?” He wrote down the problem and worked it out: _2(2q + 3q) 2(5q) 10q_ He then repeated the answer aloud, “Ten Q”. I replied, “You’re welcome.” He then threw a basketball at me. Glad he wasn’t the javelin coach. :D:D ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2001, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/joke-lines-you-can-never-use-in-real-life-maybe/92762/47 "2001-11-14T23:14:19Z")
> [@](#): > > hoof hearted Back in the '80s I knew a guy who put that on the back of his camper. ---
**Author:** ![AWB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/bb73d2/32.png) [@AWB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AWB)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2001, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/joke-lines-you-can-never-use-in-real-life-maybe/92762/48 "2001-11-14T23:18:24Z")
Another one: I was working as the grillman at a Wendy’s, supplying patties to both the walk-in and drive-thru sandwich makers. After a grueling lunch rush, the girl working the drive-thru register exclaimed, “I have _had_ it!” I replied, “Oh? How many times?” :D:D:D ---
**Author:** ![Forbin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5e9695/32.png) [@Forbin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Forbin)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2001, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/joke-lines-you-can-never-use-in-real-life-maybe/92762/49 "2001-11-15T01:26:21Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Myron Van Horowitzski \* > \* > > I had to admit, it was pretty cool, for the rest of the day, to watch all the aforementioned staff bust out laughing every time they passed the store again. \* Wouldn’t they have had to _ **swallow** _ the store again before passing it again? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Tenebras](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/977dab/32.png) [@Tenebras](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tenebras)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2001, 6:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/joke-lines-you-can-never-use-in-real-life-maybe/92762/50 "2001-11-15T06:57:15Z")
I don’t know how well this fits, but my mom went through a phase where she would introduce my sister and I as “my husband’s children by his first wife,” with appropriate smarminess, and then, perhaps later perhaps not, let them know that she was his first wife… Ahh… childhood… 🙂 Tenebras ---
**Author:** ![Satori](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/858c86/32.png) [@Satori](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satori)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2001, 7:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/joke-lines-you-can-never-use-in-real-life-maybe/92762/51 "2001-11-15T07:02:42Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Lectricity \* > \*\*When conversation turns to plants or gardening, I find it hard not to interrupt with “You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.” > Mostly people just look at me for a moment. Sometimes they close their eyes and shake their heads. \*\* One time I got the saying wrong and said “you can lead a horticulture but you can’t make her DRINK”. Now that’s funny. ---
**Author:** ![Myron\_Van\_Horowitzski](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de053/32.png) [@Myron\_Van\_Horowitzski](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Myron_Van_Horowitzski)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2001, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/joke-lines-you-can-never-use-in-real-life-maybe/92762/52 "2001-11-15T14:45:37Z")
Another one I remember that was probably funnier if you were there: One day in the restaurant all the waitrons were teasing the busboy, telling him he had no friends. He said with mock mournfulness, “I do too have friends! Myron, you’re my friend, isn’t that right?” Without missing a beat I said, “But you didn’t pay me the five dollars this week.” ---
**Author:** ![justinh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9fc29f/32.png) [@justinh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/justinh)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2001, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/joke-lines-you-can-never-use-in-real-life-maybe/92762/53 "2001-11-15T15:14:05Z")
YMCA campout with the daughters and a dad is smoking a big fat cigar. someone ask how long he has smoked cigars blah blah blah. someone else says “the cigar reminds me of my grandfather” and the smoker ask “why did your grandfather smoke cigars?”. pregnant pause and then the guy says “yes”. I jumped up and down and said he blew it , the correct answer is “no he stunk and I hated him”. I would have said the line but I thought the other guy was. its was the best natural joke moment missed I have ever witnessed. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/joke-lines-you-can-never-use-in-real-life-maybe/92762.md?page=2)