# Joke - Please Don't Be Offended **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 1, 2006, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/joke-please-dont-be-offended/346610 "2006-03-01T13:59:44Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![TJdude825](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dec6dc/32.png) [@TJdude825](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TJdude825)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2006, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/joke-please-dont-be-offended/346610/21 "2006-03-02T02:57:25Z")
> [@Shalmanese](#): > > Damn, I was hoping for some dead baby jokes ☹ WARNING: DUE TO THEIR CONTENT, THESE JOKES SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE How do you fit twenty dead babies into a small bucket? With a blender. How do you get them back out? Chips. How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends how hard you throw them. ---
**Author:** ![Mbossa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/73ab20/32.png) [@Mbossa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mbossa)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2006, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/joke-please-dont-be-offended/346610/22 "2006-03-02T03:59:07Z")
Same warning as above. What’s the difference between a corvette and a dead baby? You wouldn’t find a corvette in _my_ garage! At a maternity ward, a woman is giving birth. After all the usual stuff that happens, the doctor delivers the baby. “Congratulations. It’s a beautiful baby bo…THINK FAST!” he yells as he hurls the baby towards the new mother. The confused mother makes a effort to catch her baby, but she is understandably exhausted, and the baby flies out the window behind her. The doctor lets out a great laugh. “Haha, April fools! It was already dead!” ---
**Author:** ![Strinka](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/strinka/32/512_2.png) [@Strinka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Strinka)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2006, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/joke-please-dont-be-offended/346610/23 "2006-03-02T04:30:22Z")
> [@Shalmanese](#): > > Damn, I was hoping for some dead baby jokes ☹ Dead baby jokes, eh? I have the mother of all dead baby jokes. It is absolutely horrible. You will hate yourself for reading it, and me for posting it. I already do. In my defense, I didn’t come up with it. You’ve been warned. What do you get when you run over a baby with a lawnmower? An erection. I told you. ---
**Author:** ![Bomzaway](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e480ec/32.png) [@Bomzaway](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bomzaway)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2006, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/joke-please-dont-be-offended/346610/24 "2006-03-02T04:42:33Z")
A Chistian and an atheist are having an argument. The Christian says, “You are like a blind man, in a black room with no windows, no lights, looking for a black cat that isn’t even there!” To which the atheist replies, “So are you! But the difference between us is, you found the cat!” ---
**Author:** ![AuntiePam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@AuntiePam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AuntiePam)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2006, 5:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/joke-please-dont-be-offended/346610/25 "2006-03-02T05:49:31Z")
> [@lieu](#): > > The Irishman picks the fly out and then screams “Spit it all back you dirty little bastard!” I didn’t know this was a joke! The only other time I’ve heard it was from a guy describing his Peace Corps experience somewhere in Africa. In his telling, the various nationalities were new guys and the old-timers. Still funny. ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2006, 6:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/joke-please-dont-be-offended/346610/26 "2006-03-02T06:38:54Z")
> [@Strinka](#): > > Dead baby jokes, eh? I have the mother of all dead baby jokes. It is absolutely horrible. You will hate yourself for reading it, and me for posting it. I already do. In my defense, I didn’t come up with it… I herd it as: What do you get when cut a dead baby into cubes? A BONER! Same effect, though. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Rieux](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/aeb1de/32.png) [@Dr.Rieux](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Rieux)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2006, 7:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/joke-please-dont-be-offended/346610/27 "2006-03-02T07:36:50Z")
What’s the difference between a truckload of eggs and a truckload of dead babies? You can’t unload the eggs with a pitchfork! ---
**Author:** ![Cluricaun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bb73d2/32.png) [@Cluricaun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cluricaun)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2006, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/joke-please-dont-be-offended/346610/28 "2006-03-02T14:44:19Z")
What’s the perfect gift for a dead baby? A dead puppy. What do you do with the dead puppy? Take it for a drag. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2006, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/joke-please-dont-be-offended/346610/29 "2006-03-02T18:44:16Z")
What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt? “You gonna eat that?” ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2006, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/joke-please-dont-be-offended/346610/30 "2006-03-02T18:48:39Z")
> [@lieu](#): > > Reminded me… > > An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman are sitting in a bar and each gets a fly in his pint of beer. The Englishman looks at his disgusted and pushes the pint away. The Scotsman fishes the fly out with his fingers, flings it to the floor and then continues his drinking. The Irishman picks the fly out and then screams “Spit it all back you dirty little bastard!” No no no no no. It’s the _Irishman_ who flings it to the floor. The Scot starts thumping the fly on its teeny little back, hollering: _“SPIT IT OOT! SPIT IT OOT!!!”_ ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2006, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/joke-please-dont-be-offended/346610/31 "2006-03-02T19:36:03Z")
> [@Strinka](#): > > Dead baby jokes, eh? I have the mother of all dead baby jokes. It is absolutely horrible. You will hate yourself for reading it, and me for posting it. I already do. In my defense, I didn’t come up with it. > > You’ve been warned. You are a sick, sick motherfucker. You should be ashamed. You should be arrested. You’d probably sink to telling this one: [spoiler]Q. What’s the worst thing about having sex with a 5-year-old? A. When you hear her hip crack.[/spoiler] ---
**Author:** ![Don\_Draper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Don\_Draper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_Draper)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2006, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/joke-please-dont-be-offended/346610/32 "2006-03-02T20:15:48Z")
Little girl: Mommy, mommy! I hate my sisters’ guts! Mother: Shut up and eat what’s in front of you! ---
**Author:** ![Don\_Draper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Don\_Draper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_Draper)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2006, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/joke-please-dont-be-offended/346610/33 "2006-03-02T20:15:43Z")
Little girl: Mommy, mommy! I hate my sisters’ guts! Mother: Shut up and eat what’s in front of you! ---
**Author:** ![SkipMagic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skipmagic/32/20706_2.png) [@SkipMagic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkipMagic)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2006, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/joke-please-dont-be-offended/346610/34 "2006-03-02T20:35:08Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > You are a sick, sick motherfucker. You should be ashamed. You should be arrested. You’d probably sink to telling this one: > > [spoiler]Q. What’s the worst thing about having sex with a 5-year-old? > > A. When you hear her hip crack.[/spoiler] If you want to read and post jokes about pedophilia, the SDMB ain’t the place. Don’t do it again, **tdn**. Considering this thread has pretty much devolved into a one-upmanship in telling gross jokes, I don’t see much of a future for it. It’s closed. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/joke-please-dont-be-offended/346610.md?page=1)