# Jokes and advertisement staples that need to die. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 20, 2004, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-and-advertisement-staples-that-need-to-die/246090 "2004-05-20T01:55:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![dasgupta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e56c9b/32.png) [@dasgupta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dasgupta)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2004, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-and-advertisement-staples-that-need-to-die/246090/41 "2004-05-21T21:31:00Z")
The board ate my little post. How sad. Anyway, an advertising technique that must die! Using the _scratched record_ sound bite to indicate shock or surprise. Earth to marketing! What percentage of people continue to own a phonograph? And of those, how many have used it within the last decade? ---
**Author:** ![kelly5078](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/6f9a4e/32.png) [@kelly5078](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kelly5078)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2004, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-and-advertisement-staples-that-need-to-die/246090/42 "2004-05-21T22:19:44Z")
Anything anywhere that has some guy getting it in the groin. ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2004, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-and-advertisement-staples-that-need-to-die/246090/43 "2004-05-21T22:40:11Z")
> [@DesertGeezer](#): > > I swear that geek who says, “can you hear me now?” should fall into a fissure and be swallowed up. Don’t think we could hear him from the bowels of the earth. I had a Spanish-language channel on last night and saw a commercial with him saying, “¿Me escuchas? Bien.” The virus is spreading GLOBALLY! ---
**Author:** ![Kizarvexius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/da6949/32.png) [@Kizarvexius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kizarvexius)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2004, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-and-advertisement-staples-that-need-to-die/246090/44 "2004-05-21T23:18:09Z")
1. “Hi, I’m a dried-up Hollywood has-been you haven’t seen in twenty years, and I’m going to sell you this incredible product.” I saw Lindsay Wagner on tv the other day hawking something, for christsakes. 2. Ever seen a commercial for baby products that included a caring, nurturing dad? I haven’t. And as a caring, nurturing dad, I rather resent this exclusion. 3. Movie reviews that say “The best romantic comedy since (insert name of 6 month-old romantic comedy)”. Wow…what glowing praise. ---
**Author:** ![minor7flat5](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/minor7flat5/32/258_2.png) [@minor7flat5](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/minor7flat5)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2004, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-and-advertisement-staples-that-need-to-die/246090/45 "2004-05-22T01:22:46Z")
> [@dasgupta](#): > > The board ate my little post. How sad. > > Anyway, an advertising technique that must die! Using the _scratched record_ sound bite to indicate shock or surprise. > > Earth to marketing! What percentage of people continue to own a phonograph? And of those, how many have used it within the last decade? Of course, as the memory of scratched phonograph records fades into the past, there will be more incidents like [this one](http://www.papillonsartpalace.com/cnn.htm), for our listening entertainment. > [@](#): > > About 10 times over the weekend, CNN ran an ad promoting Paula Zahn’s new morning show, “American Morning,” with a male announcer purring, “Where can you find a morning news anchor who’s provocative, super-smart, oh yeah, and just a little sexy?” The word sexy then flared onto the screen, accompanied by a noise that sounded like a zipper unzipping. > … > A CNN spokesman explained that the noise was not supposed to be a zipper sound, but more like a needle scratching across an LP record — a sound effect sometimes used on “Ally McBeal.” Once I read that, every time I hear the dreaded “record scratch” in a commercial, I think “Zipper”, and it _does_ sound like one. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2004, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-and-advertisement-staples-that-need-to-die/246090/46 "2004-05-22T02:06:27Z")
“The best movie released this year!” …and it’s January 2. ---
**Author:** ![Rico](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rico/32/3582_2.png) [@Rico](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rico)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2004, 6:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-and-advertisement-staples-that-need-to-die/246090/47 "2004-05-22T06:35:49Z")
> [@Kizarvexius](#): > > 1. “Hi, I’m a dried-up Hollywood has-been you haven’t seen in twenty years, and I’m going to sell you this incredible product.” I saw Lindsay Wagner on tv the other day hawking something, for christsakes. **HERESY!** I’ve been secretly in love with Lindsay since the '70s! How DARE you! You shall be taken out in the back and unmercifully beat with an uncooked spaghetti strand. 😛 Anyway, moving on here… When I was in Radio, the one phrase we were told to NEVER put in a spot was: _“For all your (insert type of business here) needs…”_ As in “For all your plumbing needs, call John’s Plumbing.” ---
**Author:** ![Aeschines](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aeschines/32/16251_2.png) [@Aeschines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aeschines)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2004, 6:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-and-advertisement-staples-that-need-to-die/246090/48 "2004-05-22T06:45:56Z")
[QUOTE=Rico\*“For all your (insert type of business here) needs…”\* As in “For all your plumbing needs, call John’s Plumbing.”[/QUOTE] Why not? I admit that it’s a homely phrase, but…? ---
**Author:** ![TVeblen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2004, 7:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-and-advertisement-staples-that-need-to-die/246090/49 "2004-05-22T07:03:41Z")
Ads the portray kids as rude, smart-mouthed, destructive brats: - “Eeuyeww, I won’t eat _that_!” ::pouts adorably, petulantly shoves offending away offending food:: Then doting, brain dead mom fondly produces the product being shoved, and is rewarded by beaming smiles. Good _Mother_! (Sit. Stay. Roll over. Play dead.) - Sears, for their bratty kid/burdened Dad commericals: child acts like a brat, impatient father says, “Where’s your mother?” Mom is shown shopping her little heart out while Dad is relegated to a reluctant babysitter with an annoying, nuisance child. - Cleaning products that glorify kids as dirt producers: flinging food at walls, grinding horrible substances into carpets, scrawling across painted walls with ink markers, etc. Children are dirty, dirty, dirty but Product X will solve that! It’s _Calvin and Hobbes_ without the magic or innocence. ---
**Author:** ![Astroboy14](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/df705f/32.png) [@Astroboy14](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Astroboy14)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2004, 7:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-and-advertisement-staples-that-need-to-die/246090/50 "2004-05-22T07:17:04Z")
One that’s annoying me of late: **Situation: the female of the couple is pregnant and announces it to the male of the couple, who is less than pleased at the news** Father of the impending baby: “How did _that_ happen???” (Cue the canned laughter) :smack: ---
**Author:** ![F.U.Shakespeare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/aca169/32.png) [@F.U.Shakespeare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/F.U.Shakespeare)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2004, 7:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-and-advertisement-staples-that-need-to-die/246090/51 "2004-05-22T07:48:17Z")
Only once, on _The Simpsons_, when Dr. Nick Riviera (in a commercial advertising his offer to perform any operation for 129.99 USD) said, “_You’ve tried the best – now try the rest!_” > [@EvilGhandi](#): > > Any ad that uses any permutation of “The rest” and “The best” > > Was this ever clever? ---
**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2004, 8:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-and-advertisement-staples-that-need-to-die/246090/52 "2004-05-22T08:15:20Z")
> [@Rico](#): > > **HERESY!** I’ve been secretly in love with Lindsay since the '70s! How DARE you! You shall be taken out in the back and unmercifully beat with an uncooked spaghetti strand. 😛 > > Anyway, moving on here… > > When I was in Radio, the one phrase we were told to NEVER put in a spot was: > > _“For all your (insert type of business here) needs…”_ > > As in “For all your plumbing needs, call John’s Plumbing.” Somebody needs to tell the advertisers in my town. I hear that one on the radio over and over and over and over. ( **Aeschines** , that’s probably why **Rico** was advised not to use it.) Another radio advertising practice that I hate: egomaniac business owners who think I want to hear **them** talking on their commercials. I don’t. 99% of them sound like complete hacks in their commercials. A lot of male businessmen, in their effort to sound “cheerful” and “excited”, end up sounding effeminate instead. These business owners are often the same ones whose businesses are named after them. Good grief, people, spend a few more dollars and pay the damn trained professional radio announcer to do the talking! He or she will make **your business** sound more professional. Because I listen to a lot of radio, I also start to notice when people have selected their commercial from a book of templates. I’ll start hearing the same commercial over and over again - different businesses, different products, but the same damn commercial. Perhaps voiced by a different disc jockey, but the same commercial nevertheless: "When you need [INSERT PRODUCT OR SERVICE NAME HERE], call [INSERT BUSINESS NAME HERE]! They’ll get you fixed up in [A JIFFY/RIGHT AWAY/BEFORE YOU KNOW IT]! They not only sell [INSERT PRIMARY PRODUCT OR SERVICE HERE], they also have a large selection of [INSERT LIST OF SECONDARY PRODUCTS HERE]! [OWNER’S NAME] at [BUSINESS NAME] is eager to satisfy all of your [PRODUCT OR SERVICE TYPE] needs, and does it better than anybody else! And why drive to [INSERT NAME OF NEAREST BIG CITY] when you can find great prices **right here**! [BUSINESS NAME] has been in business since [INSERT YEAR OF FOUNDING], and is **locally-owned**!! [BUSINESS NAME] is located in the heart of beautiful downtown! Don’t wait - call [INSERT PHONE # HERE] right away! That’s [PHONE # AGAIN]. That number one more time, [PHONE # ONE MORE TIME]. ---
**Author:** ![stuyguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ec9cab/32.png) [@stuyguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stuyguy)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2004, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-and-advertisement-staples-that-need-to-die/246090/53 "2004-05-22T16:15:00Z")
If I could ban one word from advertising it would be the unqualified use of “deserve,” as in “you deserve the best this,” or “your family deserves the best that.” Nothing makes me grab the remote faster. Why do I deserve it (just like mass murder down the block watching the same ad, I assume)? Maybe I do (and him too), but how the hell do you, Mr. Huckster, know? For the record, I’ve got no problem with the (rare) ad that says something like, “After working double shifts for three weeks straight you deserve a night out.” That makes sense to me. ---
**Author:** ![Fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bc8723/32.png) [@Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fish)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2004, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-and-advertisement-staples-that-need-to-die/246090/54 "2004-05-22T17:44:06Z")
I hate, hate, _hate_ the constant attempt to hawk parity products like headache remedies, batteries, gasoline, toothpaste, and audio cassette tape. No battery lasts longer! No toothpaste gets your teeth whiter! You can’t buy a stronger headache pill without a prescription! Nobody can beat the quality of our audio tape! No gasoline is better for your car than Crap-tech! Yeah, idiots, because your products are either a) mass-produced and otherwise indistinguishable, or b) regulated in strength or capped in power by some agency somewhere. All that’s left is for you to make misleading claims and sell your product’s alleged cachet by using animated tigers, stuffed pink rabbits, or talking cars. ---
**Author:** ![Thirty-Nine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f0a364/32.png) [@Thirty-Nine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thirty-Nine)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2004, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-and-advertisement-staples-that-need-to-die/246090/55 "2004-05-22T20:00:01Z")
Advertising Elements The “Has It All” Businessman – The wealthy, composed businessman whose world appears to revolve around his family and his personal comfort. Often seen in commercials circumventing some minor obstruction to his otherwise flawless existence. Highlights include saving the day by buying duty-free products because he forgot to buy gifts for his family. Otherwise found smirking whilst he drives a car up a Swiss mountain pass. Comedy Elements Speeded up video – always palpably inauthentic, and the poorest and easiest form of slapstick. I may have been novel when it first emerged, but extremely derivative now. Tape Dancing – The malignant act of taking a short piece of footage and playing it back and forth to give the impression that the subject is dancing. Animal voices – Creepy with lip-syncing, insulting without. Usually takes the form of some stock footage of animals with a sickening comedy voice rattling away on top. The humour is basically derived from slapping human stereotypes onto animals. Parrots – Enough said. Baby voices – Basically the same as animal voices, except that babies generally have the gruffest, deepest voice imaginable. Overdone and not even amusing to begin with. Cheese/Hamsters/Fish/Cows/Ducks – I’ve lost count of the times I’ve seen people use these when they’re trying to be zany and offbeat. Ironically, they manage to achieve the exact opposite effect. Monty Python have a lot to answer for… Facetiousness – I’m fed up with apparently popular style of padding out a book with facetious observations that basically represent the author. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-and-advertisement-staples-that-need-to-die/246090.md?page=2)