# Jokes for the depressed **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 21, 2009, 12:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-for-the-depressed/522058 "2009-12-21T12:49:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2009, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-for-the-depressed/522058/21 "2009-12-21T21:20:44Z")
A leading psychiatrist was giving a lecture in front of a large audience, and he told the crowd, “My research has shown conclusively that, contrary to popular belief, the only significant cause of depression is lack of sexual intercourse. To put it simply, the less often people have sex, the more depressed they become.” The audience began murmuring its disagreement with the psychiatrist, so he said, “All right- let’s do a brief experiment. How many people here have sex every day?” A small number of people stood, and all of them were smiling from ear to ear. “Now,” said the psychiatrist, “How many people here have sex at least once a week?” A larger group stood, and while they weren’t as happy as the first group, they all looked content.” “Next,” said the psychiatrist, “How many have sex several times a month?” Another large group stood, but this group looked a bit irritable, rather grouchy. “Okay,” said the psychiatrist, “Who here has sex once a month?” A few dozen people stood. Some looked morose, others looked ready to bite someone’s head off. “You see?” asked the psychiatrist. “Now, who has sex a few times a year?” A few dozen more people stood, and they all looked gloomy, depressed, nearly suicidal. “Finally,” said the psychiatrist, “Who has sex once a year?” In the back, an extremely ugly guy jumped up and yelled “Woo hoo! Me! Me! Once a year, once a year! Yippee!!!” He was the happiest, most joyful man anyone had ever seen. The psychiatrist was crestfallen, saying, “This really blows a hole in my theory. But tell me… if you only have sex once a year, why are you so happy?” “TODAY’S THE DAY!!!” ---
**Author:** ![smaje1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47774/32.png) [@smaje1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smaje1)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2009, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-for-the-depressed/522058/22 "2009-12-21T21:49:39Z")
Roses are red Violets are blue I’m a schizophrenic And so am I. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2009, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-for-the-depressed/522058/23 "2009-12-21T22:00:26Z")
> [@astorian](#): > > The psychiatrist was crestfallen, saying, “This really blows a hole in my theory. But tell me… if you only have sex once a year, why are you so happy?” > > “TODAY’S THE DAY!!!” There’s a really bad movie and I can’t remember what it was, but there was a great line in the beginning. A bunch of pre-teens are playing spin the bottle and talking about sex. One kid is talking about blowjobs, and how great they must be, because “My dad gets one every year on his birthday.” ---
**Author:** ![willthekittensurvive](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/91b2a8/32.png) [@willthekittensurvive](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/willthekittensurvive)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2009, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-for-the-depressed/522058/24 "2009-12-21T22:24:27Z")
not sure yet how to make a joke out of it: > [@](#): > > every black hole started out as a shining star! must be a depressing nerd joke in there ---
**Author:** ![Kozmik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8dc957/32.png) [@Kozmik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kozmik)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2009, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-for-the-depressed/522058/25 "2009-12-22T02:27:21Z")
A police officer is rushed to the ER. Paramedics and fellow police officers quickly wheel the officer into the operating room. He suffered cardiac arrest on duty. He is going flat-line. Nurses, officers, family members - all frantic. The doctor calmly _graps one of the police officer’s taser’s by mistake_. “Ok. Everybody stand back. Clear!” The doctor shoots the patient in the chest with the taser. “Doctor, what are you doing?!” “I’m not going to let him die on me. I said stand back. Clear!” The patient’s body convulses and the heart monitor goes flat. “Clear!” The doctor wipes his brow, throws down the taser and looks to the nurses, police officers, and family members. “We’ve lost him”, the doctor sighs. “No, you’ve lost it!” ---
**Author:** ![EvilTOJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee59a6/32.png) [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2009, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-for-the-depressed/522058/26 "2009-12-22T02:40:35Z")
I don’t get it. ---
**Author:** ![armedmonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2009, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-for-the-depressed/522058/27 "2009-12-22T03:31:25Z")
> [@willthekittensurvive](#): > > Must be a depressing nerd joke in there And I’m just the geek to think it up. The black hole started as a shining star. But then the star went to see a therapist, who told it that it should focus on itself and turn inward. After that it suffered a total collapse. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2009, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-for-the-depressed/522058/28 "2009-12-22T04:48:11Z")
A man’s driving along a narrow country road when he blows a tyre. He manages to stop without plunging into the deep canal right beside him or painting himself on the wall to the other side. He heads to the door of the wall, but then he sees a sign on it saying “Arkham Rest House for the [del]Insane[/del] Sanity Challenged” and decides he’ll better try to change the tyre himself. Well, either it had been set up in place manually or the guy is a damn bull, because he manages to take the old one’s bolts off (I mean, have you guys needed to do that? The folks at the garages seem to always set their machine to 11 for cars, 12 for vans and 13 for trucks). He sticks the bolts in his back pocket and achieves the position necessary to pull the tyre itself off. You know those gangsta pants? Like this mate of mine wears, that the other day we told him “low rise is one thing, but we probably should not be able to see the bottom of your shorts while you’re walking”? Well, he was wearing that kind of pants, and the bolts manage to escape. And fall into the canal. I’m not talking about no irrigation ditch, this is one of those canals where you used to have mule-drawn barges, ok? People drown in those without being drunk, and they’re cold and muddy and generally not a place you want to jump into looking for a handful of small, dull items. He’s there, cursing up a storm, when he hears a voice. “Hey! Dude! The car guy!” “Yeah?” “Just put the reserve tyre in place and take one bolt from each of the other three. It will hold until you get to a garage.” “Wow… wow, that’s so smart!” “Hey, I’m paranoid, not dumb!” ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2009, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-for-the-depressed/522058/29 "2009-12-22T05:40:46Z")
SIGNS YOU MAY BE SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION - You really lose it whenever someone says, “Good morning.” - You spend more time in bed than a hooker at a Shriners convention. - You keep your house so dark that mushrooms are growing in the carpet. - Given a choice, you’d have no preference between sex or a root canal. - On a really bad day, you wouldn’t come to the door if it was Publishers Clearing House. - You list Dr. Kevorkian as a character reference. - Alcohol gives you strength and food settles your nerves. - Your hands shake so badly that you can brush your teeth without any voluntary movement. - You’ve cried so much that your contacts have rusted to your eyeballs. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2009, 8:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-for-the-depressed/522058/30 "2009-12-22T08:17:32Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > There’s a really bad movie and I can’t remember what it was, but there was a great line in the beginning. > > A bunch of pre-teens are playing spin the bottle and talking about sex. One kid is talking about blowjobs, and how great they must be, because “My dad gets one every year on his birthday.” Great. Now _I’m_ depressed. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![TwoTrouts](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a9adbd/32.png) [@TwoTrouts](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TwoTrouts)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2009, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-for-the-depressed/522058/31 "2009-12-22T15:17:12Z")
Optimist: The glass is half full. Pessimist: The glass is half empty. Depressive: We’re going to run out of water and die of thirst and it’s all my fault!!! ---
**Author:** ![Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f08c70/32.png) [@Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crowbar_of_Irony_3)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2009, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-for-the-depressed/522058/32 "2009-12-22T15:30:46Z")
> [@TwoTrouts](#): > > Optimist: The glass is half full. > > Pessimist: The glass is half empty. > > Depressive: We’re going to run out of water and die of thirst and it’s all my fault!!! Over-generalizing: The glass is half empty; therefore, all glasses are half empty! Narcissist: Darn, my reflection in that glass of water looks really good! Overly entitled: Someone better _fill_ up this glass of water full **NOW!** ---
**Author:** ![armedmonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2009, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-for-the-depressed/522058/33 "2009-12-22T15:47:26Z")
Then the obsessive compulsive takes the glass to the sink and washes it twelve times. No wait, it’s supposed to be eleven, because twelve’s not a prime number. Damnit, now I have to start all over. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2009, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-for-the-depressed/522058/34 "2009-12-22T15:48:05Z")
Paranoid schizophrenic: The voices in my head tell me that the CIA slipped mind-control chemicals into that water, so I can’t drink it anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Scuba\_Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Scuba\_Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scuba_Ben)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2009, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-for-the-depressed/522058/35 "2009-12-22T15:58:00Z")
Bachelor: It’s only water, I don’t have to wash the glass yet. ---
**Author:** ![racer72](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/racer72/32/3075_2.png) [@racer72](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/racer72)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2009, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-for-the-depressed/522058/36 "2009-12-23T01:17:01Z")
How do you make a depressed person crazy? Put him in a round room and tell him to pee in the corner. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2009, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-for-the-depressed/522058/37 "2009-12-23T01:47:31Z")
> [@Kozmik](#): > > A police officer … “No, you’ve lost it!” > [@EvilTOJ](#): > > I don’t get it. Me too. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2009, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-for-the-depressed/522058/38 "2009-12-23T02:06:37Z")
I saw a film at The L.A. Film Expo. I don’t remember the name of it, but I think it was when _Das Boot_ showed there. Or _Knightriders_. Anyway, there’s a kid who’s having a birthday party and nobody shows up. The doorbell rings and the kid opens it. The clown hired for the party is there. He looks around the house, and then says, his voice dripping with sarcasm, ‘Happy birthday, Mister Popular!’ That scene cracks me up whenever I think of it. ---
**Author:** ![armedmonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2009, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-for-the-depressed/522058/39 "2009-12-23T02:47:00Z")
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their children. “You all have obsessions,” he said. To the first mother he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy.” He turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is alcohol and your child’s name is Brandy.” Quitely, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, let’s go home.” ---
**Author:** ![Brynda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e79b87/32.png) [@Brynda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynda)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2009, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-for-the-depressed/522058/40 "2009-12-23T04:47:09Z")
What’s the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist? About $75,000 a year brought to you by a psychologist. No, I am not bitter. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-for-the-depressed/522058.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-for-the-depressed/522058.md?page=3)