# Jokes that just need to DIE ALREADY **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 26, 2015, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664 "2015-02-26T15:14:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Locrian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/locrian/32/14146_2.png) [@Locrian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Locrian)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/61 "2015-02-26T20:32:01Z")
Not really a joke but stupid saying-- Assume. “If you assume, you make an ass of “u” and “me”.” :rolleyes: No. You assume all the time throughout the day. I assume the cars driving towards me aren’t going to veer at me for no reason, I assume there will be Diet Coke in the can when I open it, I assume if I don’t shoot anyone in broad daylight, I won’t be in prison. ---
**Author:** ![Trinopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2bfe46/32.png) [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/62 "2015-02-26T20:50:28Z")
I like the “Hi, Opal” joke… ---
**Author:** ![August\_West](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/august_west/32/18069_2.png) [@August\_West](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/August_West)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/63 "2015-02-26T20:59:45Z")
> [@Locrian](#): > > Not really a joke but stupid saying-- Assume. “If you assume, you make an ass of “u” and “me”.” :rolleyes: No. You assume all the time throughout the day. I assume the cars driving towards me aren’t going to veer at me for no reason, I assume there will be Diet Coke in the can when I open it, I assume if I don’t shoot anyone in broad daylight, I won’t be in prison. This one has always bothered me for a different reason. Why does it make an ass out of **me**? I didn’t assume anything, you did, keep me out of it! ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/64 "2015-02-26T21:07:31Z")
You know, when you don’t like a movie and you say “well that’s two hours of my life I won’t get back!” it is really stupid. If you like the movie do you get those hours back? No you don’t. Time does not rest back to the time when you walked into the theater. You don’t get any hours of your life back, ever! STOP SAYING THAT! ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/65 "2015-02-26T21:13:58Z")
^ tl;dr. ---
**Author:** ![cjepson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a9adbd/32.png) [@cjepson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cjepson)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/66 "2015-02-26T21:24:22Z")
> [@running\_coach](#): > > It sounds dangerous while being totally benign. Don’t listen to this apologist for the dihydrogen monoxide manufacturing and distribution industrial complex! It’s a statistical fact that the number of deaths caused annually by dihydrogen monoxide overdoses is … … wait… I’m doing it, aren’t I? Sorry. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/67 "2015-02-26T21:34:51Z")
Every single joke thread inevitably includes interrupting cow and “What’s brown and sticky?” Because they’re hilarious, right? yeah. can they go away now? ---
**Author:** ![Freddy\_the\_Pig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a587f6/32.png) [@Freddy\_the\_Pig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freddy_the_Pig)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/68 "2015-02-26T22:01:05Z")
I’d be so much happier if I never again had to hear “Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition” or “Why did Constantinople get the works?”. ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/69 "2015-02-26T22:03:47Z")
I’m going to go ahead and throw in the Simpsons’ “Sneed’s Feed and Seed (formerly Chuck’s)” joke, too. It was a good joke. But we don’t need to keep reliving it a decade or two later. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/70 "2015-02-26T22:07:22Z")
You know who else doesn’t like the Sneed’s joke, don’t you? ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/71 "2015-02-26T22:11:07Z")
The Republican Party. ---
**Author:** ![naita](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/naita/32/5862_2.png) [@naita](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/naita)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/72 "2015-02-26T22:17:13Z")
> [@Heart\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Gee, I would have thought _everyone_ would have seen the [relevant xkcd](http://xkcd.com/1053/) by now. This. Fortunately I don’t need to come up with a good insult for the OP since he’s picked an apt one for his nick. I bet he and his ilk tear knock knock jokes out of the mouths of children and laugh when the children cry. ---
**Author:** ![aldiboronti](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9fc348/32.png) [@aldiboronti](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aldiboronti)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/73 "2015-02-26T22:58:53Z")
> [@Zebra](#): > > You know, when you don’t like a movie and you say “well that’s two hours of my life I won’t get back!” it is really stupid. > > If you like the movie do you get those hours back? No you don’t. Time does not rest back to the time when you walked into the theater. > > You don’t get any hours of your life back, ever! > > STOP SAYING THAT! The point is that with a good movie you don’t want the 2 hours back as you don’t consider them to be wasted. It’s annoying because it’s overused not because it doesn’t make sense. ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/74 "2015-02-26T23:04:28Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > You know who else doesn’t like the Sneed’s joke, don’t you? You’re just going through a 1940’s-style “Death phase”. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/75 "2015-02-26T23:10:58Z")
The OP should take a refresher course in shibboleths. Although the frequency of OPs on this very subject leads me to opine that the act of complaining about them is _in itself_ a shibboleth. Put on your waders, kids. Shit just got **meta**. ---
**Author:** ![Knorf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/58956e/32.png) [@Knorf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knorf)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/76 "2015-02-26T23:43:31Z")
Jokes about shit getting meta. ---
**Author:** ![get\_lives](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecb155/32.png) [@get\_lives](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/get_lives)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/77 "2015-02-26T23:50:50Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Boy I’m glad I thought not to answer! > > IRL, the joke of Chinese food = stray cats needs to be retired. What a stupid, senseless, racist joke. It might be racially insensitive, but it’s true. Many East Asian cultures accept eating dogs and cats. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/78 "2015-02-26T23:53:33Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > Sports jokes that are constantly recycled (i.e., “What does a Browns fan do when his team wins the Super Bowl? He turns off the Xbox.”) On that note: Any political joke that works just the same if you change the names of the parties or the pols is not one worth making. This applies to any and all “hot air” jokes; also the one with the Indians chanting _“Hoya!”_ or _“Golla goom!”_ to a pol’s speech and ending with "But be careful not to step in the _hoya/golla goom."_ ---
**Author:** ![Biotop](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biotop/32/321_2.png) [@Biotop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biotop)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/79 "2015-02-26T23:57:57Z")
Death has been called for the joke. And DEATH it shall be! (but first a little oomba-goomba.) ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [February 26, 2015, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/80 "2015-02-26T23:58:32Z")
> [@Smapti](#): > > “Mexican food gives you diarrhea”. No, it doesn’t - and I’m not sure if this is supposed to be a joke about how Mexicans are dirty, or a joke about how Americans have weak digestion, but it’s just not funny either way. Chipotle’s food, OTOH, [does make you bleed out the anus](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dead_Celebrities). [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664.md?page=5)