# Jokes that just need to DIE ALREADY **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 26, 2015, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664 "2015-02-26T15:14:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/101 "2015-02-27T03:21:46Z")
I’ve read that Chinese arithmetic wasn’t especially hard, and the Jesuit missionaries made additions to it that would be familiar to most high school students. So a more apt analogy for an especially ardent erection should be sought. ---
**Author:** ![minor7flat5](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/minor7flat5/32/258_2.png) [@minor7flat5](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/minor7flat5)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/102 "2015-02-27T03:30:28Z")
Whenever you are in a loud noisy place and make a comment about the noise (after the noise subsides), the immediate not-so-witty response from so many people is to say “What?” A few weeks ago some contractors were using saws and grinders and other noisy stuff in our home. I said to my daughter “Watch, I’m going to make him say ‘What?’” I then walked up to one of the guys and said “Boy that stuff sure is loud, how can you hear anything in here?” to which he obliged “What?” with a stupid grin 😛 ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/103 "2015-02-27T03:34:49Z")
> [@MaxTheVool](#): > > Don’t synthesize anything I wouldn’t synthesize! > > (If only we lived in a world in which Flanders and Swann references were so overused that people were complaining about them in pit threads…) Fuck **that** shit! If only we lived in [**this**](http://xkcd.com/843/) world! ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 3:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/104 "2015-02-27T03:44:19Z")
> [@Kamino\_Neko](#): > > When someone quotes a price in Canadian dollars: ‘What’s that, like 2 bucks American?’ > > It wasn’t even particularly funny when the premise made sense, but the Canadian dollar hasn’t dropped below 90 cents American for any substantial period in a decade. $1 CDN is currently about 80 cents USD. > **[1 CAD to USD - Canadian Dollars to US Dollars Exchange Rate](https://www.xe.com/currencyconverter/convert/?Amount=1&From=CAD&To=USD)** > > Get the latest 1 Canadian Dollar to US Dollar rate for FREE with the original Universal Currency Converter. Set rate alerts for to and learn more about Canadian Dollars and US Dollars from XE - the Currency Authority. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/105 "2015-02-27T03:46:39Z")
> [@TBG](#): > > Flying Spaghetti Monster and the like (pastafarians, putting Jedi as your religion on official forms, etc) > > No using it doesn’t make you funny or witty, it only shows that you’re a hateful anti religion jerk. :dubious: [Our Risen Saviour](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/J._R._%22Bob%22_Dobbs) loves you not, nor pities your Pinkness. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/106 "2015-02-27T03:50:12Z")
> [@cochrane](#): > > How do you get a humanities major off your front porch? > > Pay him for the pizza. And what does Ph.D. stand for? [spoiler]Pizza Hut Delivery. Or, Piled Higher and Deeper, works either way.[/spoiler] ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/107 "2015-02-27T03:51:42Z")
> [@Doug\_K](#): > > This. Or worse yet “obligatory xkcd”. I can’t be the only person who is completely underwhelmed by Randa Monroe’s crude stick figures and mildly amusing at best jokes. Actually, yes, you are. [It can be proven scientifically and statistically.](http://www.explainxkcd.com/wiki/index.php/Main_Page) ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/108 "2015-02-27T04:20:26Z")
> [@Slithy\_Tove](#): > > I’ve read that Chinese arithmetic wasn’t especially hard Unless I’m missing something here (and I’ve heard the joke before,) Chinese arithmetic is the same as anyone else’s. 2+2 = 4, five times seven is thirty-five. Any country that didn’t use math like everyone else’s math wouldn’t exist very long. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/109 "2015-02-27T04:24:07Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > Unless I’m missing something here (and I’ve heard the joke before,) Chinese arithmetic is the same as anyone else’s. 2+2 = 4, five times seven is thirty-five. > Any country that didn’t use math like everyone else’s math wouldn’t exist very long. Well, the joke depends on the fact that the Chinese **language** is very hard for all non-Chinese, including Japanese, I am sure. I mean, it’s motherfucking **tonal!** How is any barbarian supposed to get behind that?! ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/110 "2015-02-27T04:24:22Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > Unless I’m missing something here (and I’ve heard the joke before,) Chinese arithmetic is the same as anyone else’s. 2+2 = 4, five times seven is thirty-five. > Any country that didn’t use math like everyone else’s math wouldn’t exist very long. Why then the phrase, " I’m harder than Chinese algebra"? ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/111 "2015-02-27T04:27:48Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Why then the phrase, " I’m harder than Chinese algebra"? That’s what I’ve wondered, too. In China, _x_ times _y_ is _xy_, just like anywhere else. I’m sure that was the case a long time ago too. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/112 "2015-02-27T04:28:50Z")
Any emperor who thinks that adding 5,000 soldiers to 4,000 soldiers gives you a total of 20,000 soldiers is going to get crushed in combat. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/113 "2015-02-27T04:37:17Z")
Maybe an abacus thing? ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/114 "2015-02-27T04:40:06Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Maybe an abacus thing? Aha, that might be it! Yeah, the abacus is bizarre; I’m sure it’s highly useful once learned, but…takes learning. ---
**Author:** ![Monty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/monty/32/47_2.png) [@Monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monty)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 5:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/115 "2015-02-27T05:12:53Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > This is the one I hate the most. Opal has passed away, and there are better ways of remembering her than a tired old joke. Those of us who, IRL, she stabbed in the back repeatedly have exactly zero problems remembering her for something other than her stupid joke. ---
**Author:** ![eschereal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eschereal/32/18939_2.png) [@eschereal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eschereal)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/116 "2015-02-27T05:21:28Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > You know who else doesn’t like the Sneed’s joke, don’t you? no, who? ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/117 "2015-02-27T05:20:01Z")
> [@Monty](#): > > Those of us who, IRL, she stabbed in the back repeatedly have exactly zero problems remembering her for something other than her stupid joke. Pardon my ignorance, but…what’s this Opal joke referred to repeatedly? :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![PlainJain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5daacb/32.png) [@PlainJain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PlainJain)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/118 "2015-02-27T06:00:16Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > Pardon my ignorance, but…what’s this Opal joke referred to repeatedly? :dubious: In case you really don’t know… Many moons ago someone made a list consisting of two items. The late poster Opal contentended that two items don’t make a “list”. So now every time posters list two items they follow it up with “Hi Opal”. It is: 1. Not funny. 2. Annoying. 3. Hi Opal Its been done about 6 million times by now. Ugh. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 6:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/119 "2015-02-27T06:02:41Z")
> [@PlainJain](#): > > In case you really don’t know… > > Many moons ago someone made a list consisting of two items. The late poster Opal contentended that two items don’t make a “list”. So now every time posters list two items they follow it up with “Hi Opal”. > > It is: > > 1. Not funny. > 2. Annoying. > 3. Hi Opal > > Its been done about 6 million times by now. Ugh. Ah, gotcha. Yeah, that is kind of lame. ---
**Author:** ![madrabbitwoman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c37758/32.png) [@madrabbitwoman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madrabbitwoman)\ **Post date:** [February 27, 2015, 6:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664/120 "2015-02-27T06:29:05Z")
can we please lose the whole “rape month” pile of crap [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/jokes-that-just-need-to-die-already/713664.md?page=7)