# Just how many Doms/subs ARE there on the SDMB? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 28, 2003, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/just-how-many-doms-subs-are-there-on-the-sdmb/191449 "2003-07-28T15:51:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Susan100](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/919ad9/32.png) [@Susan100](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Susan100)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2003, 10:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/just-how-many-doms-subs-are-there-on-the-sdmb/191449/61 "2003-08-01T10:30:38Z")
Thanks, guys. I don’t know about shibari for me, but “Fetish Engine (the worlds’ONLY BDSM Internet search engine)” certainly looks interesting. ---
**Author:** ![lost4life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c4cdca/32.png) [@lost4life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lost4life)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2003, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/just-how-many-doms-subs-are-there-on-the-sdmb/191449/62 "2003-08-01T12:38:20Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Evil Captor \* > \*\*I don’t self-identify as a Dom but I definitley have some dommish tendencies. I have trouble staying serious enough to dom anyone for any length of time, as my homepage indicates. But lordy, I do have the Grade A fantasies … \*\* Oh, so that’s you…I’ve seen your site before. IIRC, it was some nice viewing. I’ll check it out again later (after work). We never took things too seriously. It would get rather intense, but it was all reality based, as in, you’re still the same person, I’m still the same person, it’s just that one of us is tied up and there’s a lot of nasty toys sitting around. Occassionally we’d take some play into real life, but if we get too serious, one of us always starts laughing or loses the moment. I’ve done a lot of freaky stuff, but could never pull off the randy plumber/naughty geisha fantasy.😉 ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2003, 12:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/just-how-many-doms-subs-are-there-on-the-sdmb/191449/63 "2003-08-01T12:58:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Kricket \* > \*\*London\_Calling, I looked at a few sites and I think I’m going to have to share some of them with my Lord. > Fun, Fun, Fun! > I like Gorean but have a hard time following since I like to put up a fuss and that is a pretty strict way of going. \*\* Yah. The whole point with the Gorean mindset is that punishment is the _last_ thing the slave is supposed to want. (And, for that matter, what the slave wants is supposed to be the last thing on anyone’s mind.) I admit, having read the books years ago, to having been surprised to learn that women liked this stuff at all, yet it turns our there are plenty of them. More things in Heaven and earth, Horatio. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2003, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/just-how-many-doms-subs-are-there-on-the-sdmb/191449/64 "2003-08-01T12:59:39Z")
“out”. PIMF, PIMF, PIMF! ---
**Author:** ![missbunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/76d3ee/32.png) [@missbunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/missbunny)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2003, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/just-how-many-doms-subs-are-there-on-the-sdmb/191449/65 "2003-08-01T14:04:33Z")
Necros, watch out on the quadruple posting, you might get spanked for it. (Not by me of course!) \ Shibari is very beautiful to look at but it takes a LOT of time to execute. Be prepared for periods of relative boredom. (For the tie-ee, not the tie-er.) As far as the “naughty geisha” stuff: it’s certainly not necessary to role-play at all when practicing bdsm. I don’t really like it myself - I’d just start laughing when the “principal” says, “Come here you naughty girl” (NOT the preferred reaction!) - but a lot of people get into it. I’d rather just be my sweet little demure self. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Susan100](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/919ad9/32.png) [@Susan100](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Susan100)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2003, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/just-how-many-doms-subs-are-there-on-the-sdmb/191449/66 "2003-08-01T14:21:07Z")
I’m a beginner at bdsm, not at the basic sex/power dynamic. Over the years I found that most men I suggest it to like to take control in the bedroom and enjoy spanking, even if they’ve never done those things before. They’re not all equally good at the game of course, and some act like kids in a candy store, which is yucky, especially when they drool on you. While the statistics say that more men prefer to be submissive, my impression is that men like exotic, adventurous sex, period. By the way, if anyone is interested in using mainstream Internet dating sites like [match.com](http://match.com) and [matchmaker.com](http://matchmaker.com) and would like to include an indication of interest in non-vanilla sex, I just found that both of those sites let me say I like men who “take control in the bedroom” (I assume they’ll also accept variations such as “I like to take control . . .”, "I like men/women who enjoy my taking control . . ", etc.) I’m surprised I got away with it, because those sites are pretty prudish. ---
**Author:** ![lost4life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c4cdca/32.png) [@lost4life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lost4life)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2003, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/just-how-many-doms-subs-are-there-on-the-sdmb/191449/67 "2003-08-01T15:06:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by missbunny \* > \*\* > As far as the “naughty geisha” stuff: it’s certainly not necessary to role-play at all when practicing bdsm. I don’t really like it myself - I’d just start laughing when the “principal” says, “Come here you naughty girl” (NOT the preferred reaction!) - but a lot of people get into it. I’d rather just be my sweet little demure self. 😉 \*\* Yeah, that’s what happens with us. If we were doing the Spanish pool boy meets the naughty mermaid fantasy, I immediately become Hank Hill, and I’m open to _a lot_ of ideas. This is one aspect I can’t handle. I’m not putting down anyone’s scene, but I just couldn’t do the gorean thing either. The more complicated it gets, the more awkward it gets. I’m up for most anything, as long as I get to be me! ---
**Author:** ![Susan100](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/919ad9/32.png) [@Susan100](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Susan100)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2003, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/just-how-many-doms-subs-are-there-on-the-sdmb/191449/68 "2003-08-01T15:43:01Z")
I’m with lost4life and missbunny too. I simply cannot pretend to be somebody I’m not. Bdsm requires a willing suspension of disbelief anyway (except perhaps for those in truly 24/7 relationships, who I suspect are few), and mine can’t stretch to playing doctor/patient, headmaster/schoolgirl or any of the other popular favorites. They, and the Gorean thing too, would simply seem funny to me if I tried them. In fact, one of the things that gets in the way of my achieving true sub-ness-hood is my sense of humor. I may never be a really satisfactory sub, for this and other reasons. I’m not a SAM - smart-assed masochist deliberately looking for punishment - but I sure keep sounding like one, once with memorably painful consequences. \ \ The goal, I suppose, is to find Mr. Right and work these things out with him. But that would be a tall order - finding somebody who likes to be dominant but doesn’t mind a sub who’s wildly independent, can’t help topping from the bottom, keeps making jokes at inappropriate moments and perhaps worst of all, is a clone of the original princess with the pea. Oh dear. ---
**Author:** ![Sejal\_Traurig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Sejal\_Traurig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sejal_Traurig)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2003, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/just-how-many-doms-subs-are-there-on-the-sdmb/191449/69 "2003-08-01T18:31:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Susan100 \* > \*\*The goal, I suppose, is to find Mr. Right and work these things out with him. But that would be a tall order - finding somebody who likes to be dominant but doesn’t mind a sub who’s wildly independent, can’t help topping from the bottom, keeps making jokes at inappropriate moments and perhaps worst of all, is a clone of the original princess with the pea. Oh dear. \*\* The trick there, perhaps, is to find someone who doesn’t take it too seriously (No offense to those who DO take it seriously, mind you), but rather just as an enjoyable embelleshment to an otherwise healthy love-life? On the other hand, don’t be surprised at the occasional consequences… 😉 😃 ---
**Author:** ![missbunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/76d3ee/32.png) [@missbunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/missbunny)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2003, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/just-how-many-doms-subs-are-there-on-the-sdmb/191449/70 "2003-08-01T18:49:16Z")
Susan100, you’ve just got to find a dom who appreciates a spirited brat. Actually, most of the ones I know DO like that, to a point at least. ---
**Author:** ![Susan100](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/919ad9/32.png) [@Susan100](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Susan100)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2003, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/just-how-many-doms-subs-are-there-on-the-sdmb/191449/71 "2003-08-01T19:37:54Z")
missbunny, I’m a spirited brat at my advanced age? Oh, I suppose it’s true. That’s the nice thing about bdsm - you’re never too old to be a spirited brat. Sejal\_Traurig (not too traurig, I hope): I agree, and it’s also necessary to avoid anyone who takes _himself_ too seriously. There seem to be a lot of self-important posterior orifices among the self-described Doms. ---
**Author:** ![Palo\_Verde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/65b543/32.png) [@Palo\_Verde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Palo_Verde)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2003, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/just-how-many-doms-subs-are-there-on-the-sdmb/191449/72 "2003-08-01T20:26:47Z")
So, do you guys leave this behavior in the bedroom, or does it leak over into your every day aspects of your relationship? ---
**Author:** ![MarkofT](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@MarkofT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MarkofT)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2003, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/just-how-many-doms-subs-are-there-on-the-sdmb/191449/73 "2003-08-01T20:38:08Z")
Ego goes with the territory. They now have the responsibility for 2 people, so by extension they are better then any one person. BDSM is an acronym for 3 different complimentary pair of practices. Any of them can be found with any others of them. BD = Bondage and Dominance Restraining people for the sake of restraint and sexual domination. DS = Dominace and submission Dominance and submission both in and out of the bedroom. SM = Sadism and masochism Giving of pain and receiving of pain for pleasure. A relationship may consist of all of the 6 or just 2 of them. I’m more into BD and DS and not much into SM at all. ---
**Author:** ![lost4life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c4cdca/32.png) [@lost4life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lost4life)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2003, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/just-how-many-doms-subs-are-there-on-the-sdmb/191449/74 "2003-08-01T20:47:04Z")
It’s funny that people think it’s an all or nothing proposition, when actually it’s cafeteria style where you take as much as you can handle. Mmmmmmm another plate of clothespins please 😉 ---
**Author:** ![missbunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/76d3ee/32.png) [@missbunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/missbunny)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2003, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/just-how-many-doms-subs-are-there-on-the-sdmb/191449/75 "2003-08-01T21:13:38Z")
“B&D” stands for bondage and discipline. Not bondage & dominance. The “dominance” comes with the D&S - dominance & submission. ---
**Author:** ![missbunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/76d3ee/32.png) [@missbunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/missbunny)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2003, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/just-how-many-doms-subs-are-there-on-the-sdmb/191449/76 "2003-08-01T21:15:24Z")
Make that “domination & submission” - not that “dominance” is necessarily wrong. ---
**Author:** ![Sejal\_Traurig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Sejal\_Traurig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sejal_Traurig)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2003, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/just-how-many-doms-subs-are-there-on-the-sdmb/191449/77 "2003-08-01T21:15:37Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by autz \* > \*\*So, do you guys leave this behavior in the bedroom, or does it leak over into your every day aspects of your relationship? \*\* My experiences have always been such that it stayed in the bedroom… I mean, what would the neighbors say if I were to walk her around the block on a leash?? :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Sejal\_Traurig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Sejal\_Traurig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sejal_Traurig)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2003, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/just-how-many-doms-subs-are-there-on-the-sdmb/191449/78 "2003-08-01T21:18:52Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by Susan100_ > **not too traurig, I hope** **Susan100** No, not any more… And only when I took that name because of issues I was having getting visitations with my kids… Long story… And not nearly as interesting as this thread 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Kricket](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f14d63/32.png) [@Kricket](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kricket)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2003, 4:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/just-how-many-doms-subs-are-there-on-the-sdmb/191449/79 "2003-08-02T04:51:41Z")
For me it kind of sneaks into my day to day life. Choaker neacklaces can symbolise collars and with or without a leash with one look I can feel the pull. And in public I am still expected to act respectful and obey. I am a very willful and spirited brat. ---
**Author:** ![MarkofT](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@MarkofT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MarkofT)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2003, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/just-how-many-doms-subs-are-there-on-the-sdmb/191449/80 "2003-08-04T17:32:38Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Sejal\_Traurig \* > \*\*My experiences have always been such that it stayed in the bedroom… I mean, what would the neighbors say if I were to walk her around the block on a leash?? :eek: \*\* Well the females woulds all say “Such a brute, you let her go.” Half would continue in their mind with “And put me in her place.” One or two would say it out loud but just because they would find you irresistable and think they could walk all over her. All the guys would say “Can you make my wife act like that?” punctuated by a whack from the aforementioned wife, even the ones that really really want it. Domination, discipline, dominance. Bleh…I have to much knowledge and things are getting pushed out by new information. :o [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/just-how-many-doms-subs-are-there-on-the-sdmb/191449.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/just-how-many-doms-subs-are-there-on-the-sdmb/191449.md?page=5)