# Kalista, Don't Make Me Celebrate the Resurrection of Our Savior By EATING YOUR HEART **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [April 17, 2003, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kalista-dont-make-me-celebrate-the-resurrection-of-our-savior-by-eating-your-heart/169325 "2003-04-17T15:17:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2003, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kalista-dont-make-me-celebrate-the-resurrection-of-our-savior-by-eating-your-heart/169325/21 "2003-04-17T17:33:20Z")
Jeez, **jar** , what’s wrong with _traditional_ forms of Christian worship? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2003, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kalista-dont-make-me-celebrate-the-resurrection-of-our-savior-by-eating-your-heart/169325/22 "2003-04-17T17:33:59Z")
> [@](#): > > REPENT NOW, \*\*DO IT FOR EASTER, TWATPLUG. \*\* > > TRUST ME. > > JESUS WANTS YOU TO CUT THIS FUCKING SHIT OUT. So, so very wrong… _THIS_ is why we love you… ---
**Author:** ![scout1222](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/34f0e0/32.png) [@scout1222](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scout1222)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2003, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kalista-dont-make-me-celebrate-the-resurrection-of-our-savior-by-eating-your-heart/169325/23 "2003-04-17T17:39:09Z")
Brilliant rant involving all the springtime religious observances. But dear god, if roadrunner70 is onto something, DO NOT - I REPEAT - DO NOT HANG UP. Give Harrison _my_ number. I beg of you. ---
**Author:** ![Anonymous\_Coward](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/94ad74/32.png) [@Anonymous\_Coward](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anonymous_Coward)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2003, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kalista-dont-make-me-celebrate-the-resurrection-of-our-savior-by-eating-your-heart/169325/24 "2003-04-17T17:53:39Z")
Stop insisting that Kalista is not there, instead you should give them a proper mindfuck. Personally, I thought that your “_KILL KILL KILL_” would be a great thing to intone into the phone. Then gravely inform them that Kalista has been a bad girl and won’t be allowed out of the cage for quite some time. Myself, I carry an on-call pager that gets a boatload of wrong numbers, often after midnight. Because this is an on-call pager I have to ring up each number and check to make sure the server room isn’t burning down or something. I’m sure some dealer out there gave out the wrong number because I never get a mispage during the day. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2003, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kalista-dont-make-me-celebrate-the-resurrection-of-our-savior-by-eating-your-heart/169325/25 "2003-04-17T18:00:20Z")
\*Kalista, don’t use that number. You don’t want them to call nobody else. Send it off with a payment made by Yourself… Kalista, don’t use That Number! It’s the only one you stole. If you use it it won’t make JARBABYJ feel better; You A–hole…\* ---
**Author:** ![World\_Eater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@World\_Eater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/World_Eater)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2003, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kalista-dont-make-me-celebrate-the-resurrection-of-our-savior-by-eating-your-heart/169325/26 "2003-04-17T18:30:54Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Homebrew \* > \*\*Since Scott Joplin is from here, can I continue to use The Entertainer in tribute? \*\* As long as you don’t drive your fucking ice cream truck _anywhere_ near my apt. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![World\_Eater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f04885/32.png) [@World\_Eater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/World_Eater)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2003, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kalista-dont-make-me-celebrate-the-resurrection-of-our-savior-by-eating-your-heart/169325/27 "2003-04-17T18:34:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Kyla \* > \*\*You think that’s bad? My coworker’s phone plays the University of Michigan fight song. And every time I hear it (like, two minutes ago), I get that fucking song stuck in my head. > > AHHHHH! > > [sub]Hail, to the conquering heroes…[/sub] \*\* [sub]Hail! Hail! to Michigan the leaders and best…[/sub] Damn you to hell. ---
**Author:** ![StarvingButStrong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/starvingbutstrong/32/335_2.png) [@StarvingButStrong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StarvingButStrong)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2003, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kalista-dont-make-me-celebrate-the-resurrection-of-our-savior-by-eating-your-heart/169325/28 "2003-04-17T18:35:17Z")
Another evil thought: look up the phone number and mail address of your worst enemy and keep them handy. Next time you get a Kalista call: “Hello? Uh…no, no Kalista here. Um…I never heard of Kalista. Weellll… dammit. The bitch never paid me back the $70 I lent her for the bus ticket, so why should I lie for her? You’re a collection agent, right?” \<\\> “No, don’t bother, I know you are but aren’t allowed to say. Look, the truth is, Kalista owes EVERYBODY money. Her landlord, Sears, Visa, Discover…you name it. Including ME! She swore she’d pay me back right away. She said she was going to make a fresh start in a new place, and just as soon as she got a new job she’d send me the money. But have I gotten one red cent? Hah! All I got is this cheapass phone she didn’t even want any more.” \<\\> “Look, Kalista is bad news. She busted in all the windows of this other girl’s car, and just because she thought she was flirting with her already married loser of a boyfriend. I’m afraid what she might do if I told you where she’s gone.” \<\\> “Well, if you _promise_ not to say how you found her.” \<\\> “Okay. Her new phone number is [worst enemy’s number] and she lives at [worst enemy’s address.]” – If Worst Enemy is male: “She’s gotten married, btw, or maybe she’s just shacking up, but anyway she’s calling herself Mrs. Worst Enemy Now.” – If Worst Enemy is female: “BTW, she’s calling herself Ms. Worst Enemy now, since no one will give her credit if she uses her real one. I wonder who she stiffed to get the fake ID.” \<\\> “Your welcome, I guess. JUST DON’T LET HER KNOW I TOLD YOU. Bye!” Hey, why should be the only one getting the pleasure of these calls? ---
**Author:** ![Derleth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Derleth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Derleth)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2003, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kalista-dont-make-me-celebrate-the-resurrection-of-our-savior-by-eating-your-heart/169325/29 "2003-04-17T18:58:33Z")
Hmm… **jarbabyj** is refusing phonecalls asking for the fairest. She sure can rant, but that just seems odd to me. I’d think anyone asking for the fairest Doper would be putting her on the short list. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2003, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kalista-dont-make-me-celebrate-the-resurrection-of-our-savior-by-eating-your-heart/169325/30 "2003-04-17T19:26:08Z")
Someday, when I get my own cell phone, I want it to play “Parade of the Ewoks”. ---
**Author:** ![Morbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/morbo/32/389_2.png) [@Morbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morbo)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2003, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kalista-dont-make-me-celebrate-the-resurrection-of-our-savior-by-eating-your-heart/169325/31 "2003-04-17T20:15:50Z")
Mine plays the theme to _The Price is Right_. I’ve seen complete strangers hear it, think about it, then smile once they figure it out. After being on there for about six months now, it has the added benefit of driving my wife batshit. And she doesn’t know how to change it. I’m an evil man. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2003, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kalista-dont-make-me-celebrate-the-resurrection-of-our-savior-by-eating-your-heart/169325/32 "2003-04-17T20:46:33Z")
**jarbaby** , I think you should tell the caller that Kalista has been seriously injured in a tragic dowsing accident and is surgery in an area hospital, and that you’re on your way there now, and that you can’t take cellular calls in the emergency ward because it might turn off people’s heart monitors. ---
**Author:** ![sciguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e68b1a/32.png) [@sciguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sciguy)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2003, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kalista-dont-make-me-celebrate-the-resurrection-of-our-savior-by-eating-your-heart/169325/33 "2003-04-17T20:58:35Z")
Wow, I’ve never had pure seething rage ooze out of my monitor before. Nice! And forget about easter. What you need to do is track Kallista down before tomorrow and celebrate Good Friday the old fashioned way: with a crucifiction. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2003, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kalista-dont-make-me-celebrate-the-resurrection-of-our-savior-by-eating-your-heart/169325/34 "2003-04-17T21:40:43Z")
The \*only good ringtone I’ve ever heard was “Moi… Lolita” by Alizée, belonging to my friend in Spain. (EVERYBODY has cellphones in Spain, for some reason.) The song is good, but for some reason it works better as a ring tone than any other ringtone I’ve heard. (“C’est pas ma faute, et quand je donne ma langue au chat Je vois les autres tous prets à se jetter sur moi, C’est pas ma faute à [sup]moiiiii[/sup] Si j’entends tout autour de moi Hello, helli, t’es [sup]aaaaaa[/sup]…”) ---
**Author:** ![Fionn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a587f6/32.png) [@Fionn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fionn)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2003, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kalista-dont-make-me-celebrate-the-resurrection-of-our-savior-by-eating-your-heart/169325/35 "2003-04-18T00:03:55Z")
My old roommate’s phone rang with both the Batman and Muppet Show themes. For, oh, three years, I got regular phone calls for Pedro Cortez. Should I ever need a fake name, I feel entitled to use his. ---
**Author:** ![look\_ninjas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b2d939/32.png) [@look\_ninjas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/look_ninjas)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2003, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kalista-dont-make-me-celebrate-the-resurrection-of-our-savior-by-eating-your-heart/169325/36 "2003-04-18T00:12:31Z")
Not to spoil the hate party, but… could it be a wrong area code? We got calls at my house for a month that we eventually established were mean to go to someone in (I believe) St. Louis… Of course, as this is the Pit, the fucking fuckwads should get the point that they’re not fucking calling fucking Kalista, and fucking take your fucking phone number out of their fucking computer. But like I said, it took them a fucking month to realize they were calling the wrong fucking house in our fucking situation, so… don’t hold your fucking breath. Next time, ask to fucking talk to a fucking manager and tell them to fucking fuck off. The fucks. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2003, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kalista-dont-make-me-celebrate-the-resurrection-of-our-savior-by-eating-your-heart/169325/37 "2003-04-18T00:18:14Z")
My phone currently plays the theme from _The Archers_. I figure if people are going to look at me that way, I might as well give them a reason to. ---
**Author:** ![Kyla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/eada6e/32.png) [@Kyla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kyla)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2003, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kalista-dont-make-me-celebrate-the-resurrection-of-our-savior-by-eating-your-heart/169325/38 "2003-04-18T00:20:35Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by World Eater \* > \*\*[sub]Hail! Hail! to Michigan > the leaders and best…[/sub] > > Damn you to hell. \*\* You understand my plight! My phone doesn’t play a song. It beeps. The second ring is three beeps. The third ring is five beeps. (They’re not all the song tone, but it’s a very simple tune.) I find it much much much less obnoxious than an actual song. A while ago, I got a call from a guy who absolutely insisted that I had called him first. He kept telling me my number was on his call log. He was in some area code I’d never even heard of, and he got pretty rude when I insisted I had no idea who he was. (Ha, as I was writing this, my phone rang.) ---
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2003, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kalista-dont-make-me-celebrate-the-resurrection-of-our-savior-by-eating-your-heart/169325/39 "2003-04-18T00:31:27Z")
I used to have my phone ring with the “Mexican Hat Dance” then I changed all my settings to Spanish, to be more with the theme (no, I don’t speak Spanish, but you gotta learn sometime right?) Ole! I used to have “Ode to Joy” as well, but I could never stop humming it once my phone stopped ringing. Now I just have a boring ring. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2003, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kalista-dont-make-me-celebrate-the-resurrection-of-our-savior-by-eating-your-heart/169325/40 "2003-04-18T00:37:59Z")
Our cell phone played the Muppet Show theme song. We were so cool. But then we got rid of it. Sigh… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kalista-dont-make-me-celebrate-the-resurrection-of-our-savior-by-eating-your-heart/169325.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kalista-dont-make-me-celebrate-the-resurrection-of-our-savior-by-eating-your-heart/169325.md?page=3)