I third the acceptance speech. Do us proud!
I, for one, am intrigued by Mr. Milholland and would bear his children. Unfortunately, they would likely turn out to be some sort of caucasian Aubrey, so it’s best we’re on opposite coasts.
From Randy Milholland, in an email just now:
“heh - if he sends me an acceptance letter, I’ll post it and send him my utter respect.”
Be sure to thank everyone who helped you get to this point in your life - Cthulhu, Nyarlathotep, Yog-Shoggoth, and all of the Deep Ones …
Yog-Shoggoth? Something’s wrong with me. I need a mod to edit that post to say “Yog-Sothoth and Shoggoth”! Someone! Quick!
…anyone?
And the flipper-armed girlfriend of a gaming buddy. Trust me, AB3 stories last forever.
Heh heh - I like!
I think the tone should be gushing and sarcastic. Suggested speech:
[Cue drumroll and music]
The winner - Me?!
[Runs to the mike]
[Takes Golden Stalin in hand]
Thank you everyone!
I am so pleased and, yes, proud, to accept this prestigious award!
All my life, I have been a whiner. I whined as a baby; I whined as a child; and now, as an adult (at least in name), I whine.
The difference is, in the past, I whined about stuff that really mattered - like being weaned from the tit too early, or being beaten up by other kids.
Now, as an adult, I have the luxury of whining about things that don’t matter. Having a good job and a life full of satisfying, fulfilling relationships, this is difficult to do … or used to be. I was having serious trouble developing my whining skills, through lack of opportunity.
Then, I found a certain webcomic, full of disfunctional and abnormal people, run by a bitter misanthrope devoid of other, more important personal accomplishments. my prayers were answered! Here at last, an outlet for my favorite occupation!
And what luck that this webcomic should be devoted to such relevant and weighty issues as ‘what Cthulhu thinks about furries’!
Randy, I couldn’t have been found worthy of this honour if it were not for your inspiration and example.
[Sheds a proud tear]
Oh - and I would like to thank everyone who helped me get to this point in my life - Cthulhu, Nyarlathotep, Yog-Sothoth, and all of the Deep Ones … I love you guys! [Blows kiss]
Truly, I will treasure the Golden Stalin Award for Excellence in Furthering the Cause of Useless Whining. I … I am overcome with emotion … [Cries]
Isn’t Aubrey already caucasian? It’s PeeJee who’s Asian.
Sorry. S*P geekery. I just finished another run through the archives…
Neeeeee? Both Aubrey and PeeJee are Asian.
“Never question the presence of Asian girls in sleepwear in your bedroom!”
Note to self: torture and eat author of Something Positive first when The Stars Are Right.
Also, for your defense of me, ** Kantalooppi ** , I will eat you last.
And for the record, I find furries to be very digusting - the fur suits they tend to where give me indigestion.
You can name me in your little acceptance speech. Should throw him off … just long enough for the One that Dreams in the Deep to sneak up on him and wolf him down!
(Am I the only one who thinks of Cthulu as a gigantic Zoidberg?)
Acceptance speech? Well, let’s see, how about this:
I truly am humbled to achieve this great award. Not many whiners get their efforts in whinery recognized, and even fewer get their efforts recognized with a picture of a golden Stalin represented in a webcomic of medium popularity. And even more remarkable is that I achieved this award with the first whine I’ve ever sent anywhere, or at least almost the first. Thank you! Thank you!
Whining. The oldest profession. Of course, some may claim that prostitution was the oldest profession, but we all know what must have been the first conversation had before prostitution was invented.
“Og want sex.”
“Og not get sex.”
“Og want sex.”
“Og not get sex.”
“Og waaaaaaaaaant seeeeeeeeeex.”
“Ogma give Og sex if Og give Ogma great cat pelt.”
“Woo hoo!”
Of course, after that, the profession of whining has advanced in great strides. We can humbly recognize the great efforts that movements like the anti-flag burning whining movement and “political correctness” whining movement. These movements and others have gone above and beyond the call of duty in whining about inconsequential issues that only a true ideologue could give a shit about and achieving change with their incessant petulance.
Of course, that doesn’t interest me. Whining about the abortion issue? That’s not important - I’m not a fetus that can be murdered or a woman whose womb may be nationalized for the Christian Right. Whining about the war on terror is even less interesting - either Bush bombs a number of foreign babies into oblivion or their own tyrannical leaders kill them for being of wrong faith, big deeeaaal! No-one’s going to bomb me here.
Whining about a misanthropic webcomic talking about Cthulhu. Now we’re talking.
So I’m a little bored and a bit silly, and so I decide to e-mail the author about how trite and geeky all those Cthulhu references are. I don’t even read Lovecraft! But still, that’s all it takes to get a Golden Stalin! I am humbled, yet pleased. Remember, all - you, too, can reach for the stars, go for your dreams, whine up a storm, and your efforts will be rewarded!
Stalin didn’t take no guff. If someone whined about that Ukrainian famine or show trials he organized, Stalin didn’t dither around - he fucking charged the whiner’s ass and threw him in the Gulag. And that makes Stalin such a symbol for whining. For it is he who reminds us that we all live in a country (well, you live in United States and I live in Finland) that gives us far too many freedoms. Like the freedom to whine. And the freedom to be the kind of a goddamn idiot who gives a crap about the use of Cthulhu in webcomics.
So I accept this award! May it always remind me of the time I got my place in the sun! The burning place! Thank you! Thank you! Cthulhu bless you and Cthulhu bless America! I fake pride because it masks the hurting! Etc.
Ohhhhh…
My bad. I missed that one somehow.
Is it terribly wrong of me to have the line “Funny…she doesn’t look Asian?” running through my head in the voice of George Costanza’s mother?
It is bad, jayjay. Really bad. So bad, we’re gonna sick Cthulu in an apron up to PA.
Well, the reason I didn’t realize Aubrey was Asian too is because my obsession with Jason is so intense. So 
It’s actually kind of scary. I don’t think I’ve ever been sexually attracted to a comic strip character before…
And since that went well beyond any normal webcomic geekery, you all can pretend I never wrote it, if only so you can interact with me without having to stop and snicker… 
Send it! Send it!
This made me laugh hysterically.
wiping eyes Hoo boy…
Now that I think of it, though, that may very well have been the first conversation had before the invention of prostitution. I’d say the chances are 50/50 that something like that happened.
You never knew whining was so important, did you?