My full rant about The Magnificent Ambersons in the form of a sneak preview of the post going up on my book blog this Friday:
The only reason this book got one whole star is because it was well-written. The thing that doomed it to my wrath was the main character who was a horrible spoiled brat who deserves all bad things. This meeting of the We Hate George Amberson Minafer Club will now come to order.
George Amberson Minafer, or Georgie, was spoiled from birth. His mother Isabel worshiped the ground he walked on. She never punished him for acting a fool, barely scolded him when he got in trouble, instead telling him that he was the stars, the moon, the sun in her sky. His father, Wilbur, was too wrapped up in his business to attend to his wretched offspring. So Georgie grew up running roughshod over the town thinking he was the Lord High Ruler of All He Surveyed. The neighbors, who hated him because they were reasonable people, shook their heads disapprovingly and said one day he would get his come-uppance.
His come-uppance took entirely too long to arrive.
By the time his grandfather, the founding Amberson, died leaving his heirs penniless, Georgie has started and destroyed a relationship with Lucy Morgan, the only girl who stood up to his bratty ways. Unfortunately Lucy is an idiot and still likes the little monster. Georgie also destroyed his mother’s life because she was fond of Eugene Morgan, Lucy’s father and an old flame of Isabel’s. After Wilbur died, Georgie goes nuts at the hints that people are “talking” about his mother and Eugene, so he throws a tantrum and bullies his mother into giving up Eugene’s friendship before whisking her off to Europe. Then he brings her home one day before she dies of heart disease, making sure to refuse her final wish to see Eugene again before she goes.
He spends the last few chapters wracked with guilt over that decision but it’s too little too late.
Georgie has the delusion that he’s a Victorian gentleman and can live the life of an idle lord contributing nothing to society except his exalted presence. Thing is, he lives in freakin’ Indiana at the turn of the twentieth century, notable for being a place and time when idle lords are neither needed nor wanted. What they do need is people who are willing to contribute to the community in some way. Georgie refuses. This is symbolized by his rejection of automobiles long after Morgan’s cars have supplanted horse-drawn carriages.
It’s a touch of poetic justice that Georgie gets hit by a car near the end of the book because he’s got his head too far up his own lower intestine to pay attention to the driver and passenger yelling at him. Sadly, the car was only going 4 miles an hour so he just got both legs broken and a touch of internal bleeding. Nothing fatal. Dammit. What’s worse, his accident paves the way for a reconciliation with the Morgans and it’s hinted that Lucy is going to marry his worthless ass after Eugene gives him a pity job.
And that’s why I broke a years-long streak and threw this book across the room when I finished it. If it weren’t a library book I would have found a creative way to destroy it, but it’s not worth the money I’d have to pay to replace it. Instead I amused myself by thinking up creative ways to destroy Georgie. Such as:
-
go back in time and drown him at birth
-
feed him to sharks
-
blow him up with the nitroglycerine he worked with after he finally got up off his duff and got a job
-
make him stand naked in the middle of Times Square at rush hour, encouraging everyone to point and laugh
-
run over him at a speed exponentially faster than 4 mph, back up, and run him over again
-
have the decaying remains of his grandfather’s manor fall on him and crush his skull
-
drop him in oubliette and laugh at his cries of anguish as he dies
-
give him black lung from all the soot in the air and smile gleefully as he hacks up his lungs
-
cover him with papercuts and roll him in salted lemon juice
-
push him off the ocean liner either to or from Europe
-
clown hammer
What creative ways can you come up with to destroy Georgie? It’s a fun game for the whole family!