# Kid problem – wanna hear it? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 22, 2010, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kid-problem-wanna-hear-it/565092 "2010-12-22T18:33:27Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kid-problem-wanna-hear-it/565092/41 "2010-12-22T20:57:53Z")
> [@overlyverbose](#): > > I was with you up until buying him his own iPad. That’d be rewarding him for negative behavior. Well maybe not tomorrow! 😉 I’m sure he has a birthday or some other occasion on the horizon. ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kid-problem-wanna-hear-it/565092/42 "2010-12-22T20:58:02Z")
> [@ShibbOleth](#): > > Are you concerned at all that your husband immediately knew where to find the porn? > > :dubious: > > 😃 I thought everyone kept their porn in a folder on the desktop titled, “HERE BE THE PORN” or is that just me? ---
**Author:** ![ReticulatingSplines](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e274bd/32.png) [@ReticulatingSplines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReticulatingSplines)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kid-problem-wanna-hear-it/565092/43 "2010-12-22T21:03:28Z")
> [@Dung\_Beetle](#): > > Should I ask you why, or is the answer apt to make me start freaking out again? ☹ Oh god, I read my post and I sound like I became a murderer or something like that, but it’s nothing that dramatic. It’s just so easy to get addicted to it when you don’t respect how powerful it can be. Especially with the Internet now…it’s just always there, WHATEVER you want, whenever you want it, right at your fingertips. You’re like a kid in a free candy store for awhile, but eventually you get desensitized (in many ways) and dissatisfied with your relationships, and everything kind of falls apart because it becomes an itch you scratch all the time. I guess it’s just like eating - a little bit is healthy and a lot of people are good about not consuming in excess, but it’s supremely easy for some people to go overboard. I’m one of those people. I’m not trying to alarm you because most people aren’t - in fact, I wouldn’t have even answered this if you weren’t the OP. So like I said, I wish I’d been taught to treat porn with respect; more like alcohol and less like a neverending package of fucking Skittles, but nobody ever wants to talk about that with kids. For some reason parents only care about pot. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kid-problem-wanna-hear-it/565092/44 "2010-12-22T21:05:45Z")
Thank you, **Splines**! ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kid-problem-wanna-hear-it/565092/45 "2010-12-22T21:09:14Z")
> [@Tahssa](#): > > I thought everyone kept their porn in a folder on the desktop titled, “HERE BE THE PORN” or is that just me? I created mine on [ITLAPD](http://www.talklikeapirate.com/), so mine says, “Thar she blows!” ---
**Author:** ![kath94](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/67e7ee/32.png) [@kath94](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kath94)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kid-problem-wanna-hear-it/565092/46 "2010-12-22T21:13:57Z")
My brother worked for Apple for a short time. He had access to all sorts of iPhones, iMacs, etc. Guess what the family got for Christmas last year? Anyway, his now 15-year-old son, my nephew, had a disappearing tech-device problem. He’d have friends over to Dad’s house (parents are divorced) and his iPhone or iPod touch would walk out the door. Not a problem, right, 'cause Dad will just get him a new one! My nephew would make up some excuse about losing it or breaking it or something to not rat on his friends. Well, Dad doesn’t work for Apple anymore, so the freebies are gone. Og forbid the kid should be without a phone, right? Better get him a new one anyway! Sometimes I hate technology. We grew up without cell phones & managed to survive by having to let the parents know where we were at all times, even if it means calling from a phone booth or a friend’s house! ---
**Author:** ![ReticulatingSplines](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e274bd/32.png) [@ReticulatingSplines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReticulatingSplines)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kid-problem-wanna-hear-it/565092/47 "2010-12-22T21:25:05Z")
> [@Dung\_Beetle](#): > > Thank you, **Splines**! You’re welcome. I hope some good comes out of my public embarrassment. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Southern\_Yankee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/southern_yankee/32/2800_2.png) [@Southern\_Yankee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Southern_Yankee)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kid-problem-wanna-hear-it/565092/48 "2010-12-22T21:25:21Z")
I think everyone is overlooking the most obvious problem here\*: The OP’s keyboard. I mean, sheesh, are you typing from the broken iPad? 😛 \*- says the father of 3 young boys… ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kid-problem-wanna-hear-it/565092/49 "2010-12-22T21:36:01Z")
We have the trust thing with our twelve year old. Yeah, I’m not sure how to solve it. When he gets caught lying, he gets his privileges removed to a larger extent than if he’d 'fess up. We don’t punish him for stupid stuff kids do (although we do talk to him about it - but its ‘blah blah blah’ - he’s twelve) - we do punish him for lying. Unfortunately, we haven’t managed to yet break through. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2010, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kid-problem-wanna-hear-it/565092/50 "2010-12-22T22:59:09Z")
> [@Rigamarole](#): > > Wait a second, are we still assuming that the iPad is stolen? Because the OP seemed to mostly be concerned about the porn, leading me to believe that it wasn’t actually stolen. > > If it’s stolen _and_ has porn on it, and the OP is still more concerned about the latter than the former, then her value system is _grossly and alarmingly_ distorted and I can see why her kid would resort to a life of crime to keep his perfectly normal behavior a secret from his bizarre parents. This sounds like it could be the modern day equivalent of passing around a dirty book or VHS, maybe for a small fee, which would be why the son doesn’t want to reveal who the owner is. But really, get the friend’s name and find him on Facebook. Say you don’t care about the porn (you’ll have that talk later, again) but want to confirm the owner. This bit about no contact information is, naturally, bull (though hopefully for the reason I mentioned and not because it’s stolen property). Nobody owns an iPad without an email address and, likely, an iPhone. And the iPad’s new enough that if some kid has one, he probably wants it during the holidays. Especially with all that porn. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2010, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kid-problem-wanna-hear-it/565092/51 "2010-12-23T00:11:16Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > The only other porn talk you need is the one that happens if, Og forbid, you walk in on your kid wanking. Then, much like when he was three, the only correct “talk” is, “Oops! My bad! Carry on!” while you close the door and die of embarrassment in the hallway. No, no, no! You leave the coffee and rolls on his nightstand, and tiptoe out. ---
**Author:** ![gurujulp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ba9def/32.png) [@gurujulp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gurujulp)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2010, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kid-problem-wanna-hear-it/565092/52 "2010-12-23T00:42:01Z")
> [@Dung\_Beetle](#): > > I’m thinking if worst comes to worst Paul can pay for the replacement iPad. He has money in a bank account, although without me he does not have access to it. Then we can figure out how he will earn the money back, and depending on what we discover about the true “borrowing” situation, visit some horrible punishment upon him. > > I did consider getting him a Playboy subscription for Christmas… You may want to check on the balance- My mom also thought this, but I found out that with my passport as an id, I was able to make withdrawals. I emptied it out over the course of two years when I was 13 and 14. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2010, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kid-problem-wanna-hear-it/565092/53 "2010-12-23T02:34:06Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > Well, my kid is only 5, so I have this wonderful world to look forward to 😃 … but here’s my 2 cents, for what it’s worth. > > Teens don’t wanna talk about their wanking with their parents. God know, I didn’t when I was a teen. Such would be, at the best of times, horribly embarrasing. > > What my parents did (I’m now convinced) was adopt a kind of “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy - together with, I’m sure, a certain amount of selective blindness. > > Technology makes this all so much more complicated, because one can, if one wishes, find out everything. > > \*\*The problem, as I see it, is that you’ve effectively set up a system so that if he wishes to access porn online, he has to break the rules. \*\*Maybe in future (perhaps not right now, because you don’t want to be seen as rewarding bad behaviour) simply announce that, as a 14-15 year old, he’ll be trusted to use the home computer unsupervised and without paternal controls? Then he can view porn when you aren’t around, and you can pretend not to know he’s doing it … without the necessity of sitting him down, squirming in embarrasment, and giving a “now, about your wanking to porn …” speech. (Bolding mine) \*\*Malthus \*\*is spot-on. Your son had no choice but to break the rules. When faced with the choice of viewing porn or disobeying a rule, viewing porn is his biological imperative. There’s little point to punishing him for doing it, provided it really is just a borrowed iPad, not a stolen one. He’ll just hide it better next time. Good luck with getting to the bottom of the iPad’s ownership. I hope it was not stolen, but it sounds fishy. Insist that he tell you whose it is, immediately. And verify it. If he can’t or won’t, then consider it stolen until he proves otherwise. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2010, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kid-problem-wanna-hear-it/565092/54 "2010-12-23T02:45:47Z")
Wouldn’t the iPad itself have contact information on it? It must have a phone log. It sounds fishy to me that a kid would loan out an iPad for weeks at a time, or even for a day, without being concerned about getting it back. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2010, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kid-problem-wanna-hear-it/565092/55 "2010-12-23T02:48:07Z")
> [@needscoffee](#): > > (Bolding mine) \*\*Malthus \*\*is spot-on. Your son had no choice but to break the rules. When faced with the choice of viewing porn or disobeying a rule, viewing porn is his biological imperative. There’s little point to punishing him for doing it, provided it really is just a borrowed iPad, not a stolen one. He’ll just hide it better next time. > > Good luck with getting to the bottom of the iPad’s ownership. I hope it was not stolen, but it sounds fishy. Insist that he tell you whose it is, immediately. And verify it. If he can’t or won’t, then consider it stolen until he proves otherwise. He has a choice not to watch porn. That’s not a necessity. Billions of teenage boys have grown up just fine without internet porn. In my day we had to use the underwear ads in the Sears catalogs and we were damn glad to have them. ---
**Author:** ![pericynthion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/85e7bf/32.png) [@pericynthion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pericynthion)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2010, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kid-problem-wanna-hear-it/565092/56 "2010-12-23T02:59:00Z")
Stop monitoring his Internet and let the guy have a wank in peace. At 14 he’s plenty old enough not to be damaged by anything he might find online. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2010, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kid-problem-wanna-hear-it/565092/57 "2010-12-23T05:47:13Z")
With all the lax attitudes about porn viewing, it’s no wonder we had to have a sticky in GQ about how to disinfect your computer. Especially knowing that so many of you won’t use ad blockers because you feel it’s stealing. I don’t think you should allow him to go to just any site. Find some good reputable sites that aren’t malware vectors. And that’s assuming you don’t want to just have some useless rules that he’ll break as sort of a hedge. I’ve seen parents use that successfully with rebellious teenagers. Then again, if he really is rebelling by stealing, it obviously isn’t working for you. ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2010, 6:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kid-problem-wanna-hear-it/565092/58 "2010-12-23T06:38:13Z")
> [@](#): > > The real problem is that Paul is not being trustworthy. I don’t think he’s a thief, but he’s definitely lying or at least being deceitful. My plan is to find the kid’s mom and return the kid’s property, then tell Paul that I don’t want him borrowing expensive things from his friends anymore. He broke your rule about “borrowing” gear like this; don’t wait for finding the kid’s mom or anything else, it gets taken await right now, no question. I too suspect he stole it or at the very least bullied it out of the owner; no kid of this day and age willingly gives up their facebook access for weeks at a time. Something is really wrong here and you need to get to the bottom of it. > [@](#): > > I am okay with Paul looking at porn (although as a mom, it does make me sad that he’s not my innocent little baby anymore). I understand it. However, I was wondering…is there like, a talk that you are supposed to have with kids about this stuff? No one had a talk with me, but then, I didn’t get caught either. Bloody hell, yes. Worry if they DON"T want to look at porn. But you MUST MUST MUST have a talk with them at about that time. There is porn and there is PORN; people fucking is perfectly fine (indeed healthy) but there is always the temptation to go to further and further extremes, and it is possible for a teen to cross the line to what you consider unacceptable without knowing it . How will he know it? YOU WILL HAVE TOLD HIM. Set The Boundaries. What children need above everything else from their parents is guidance as to where The Boundaries are. That is precisely why they are constantly testing The Boundaries; how else will they find out where they are? > [@](#): > > As far as viruses and computer security and whatnot, that’s my husband’s domain. He was pissed last night because he doesn’t want stuff connected to the network without him knowing about it. This was discussed with Paul during the last episode, but he still broke the rule. I hope there was an appropriate and pre-declared punishment. If not the “rule” is worthless, in fact is not a rule and more of a guideline, which he can and therefore will ignore. There is simply no point in rules, the breaking of which have no consequences that the kid cares about. None. Indeed they are counter-productive, they only demonstrate that “rules” aren’t. There MUST be unarguable inevitable painful consequences to the breaking of any rule you set. You are better off not setting it otherwise. > [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > He has a choice not to watch porn. That’s not a necessity. Billions of teenage boys have grown up just fine without internet porn. In my day we had to use the underwear ads in the Sears catalogs and we were damn glad to have them. Which was the nearest approach to porn you could get at the time. Had Playboy or Hustler been available to you, you would have thrown the Sears catalog in the bin. Don’t confuse lack of access with retroactive rectitude. ---
**Author:** ![Pasta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecccb3/32.png) [@Pasta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pasta)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2010, 6:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kid-problem-wanna-hear-it/565092/59 "2010-12-23T06:42:17Z")
Assuming he’s a generally good kid, here’s What is Going On. The iPad is a dirty magazine. His buddy was all like, “Hey, check _this_ out!” and your son was like, “Cool! Hey, lemme borrow that! I won’t let my mom know, don’t worry!” and his buddy was like, “I guess, so… **followed by a satisfied grin, like he’s King of the Camp** ”. If they had dirty mags, then you would have seen your son throwing a borrowed dirty mag in the closet. But they don’t. They have iPads loaded with pics or accessing sites directly over wifi. In my day, we downloaded images from [BBSs](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bulletin_board_system) and traded zip files on floppy disks. Teenage boys will be teenage boys. He doesn’t _want_ to be untrustworthy, but… come on, it’s porn! Society has “successfully” taught him that its Bad, so he must be secretive. And besides, talking to his mom about porn? Icky! “Hey, mom! I borrowed this iPad.” “What for?” “For porn.” … You can’t reasonably expect this conversation to happen, as much as you might like it to for peace of mind. So, again, if he’s not the type who might be stealing expensive electronics, then the above is What Is Going On. You’re stuck doing something about the iPad (since it’s too late to pretend you didn’t find it). In the future, ask “Is this most likely a porn thing?” and if so, let it go. The other option would be to tell him that porn is okay and that you would rather he were up front about it and just told you when he borrowed stuff. But that’ll never work, because he’s a 14-year-old boy and you’re his mom. You could _maybe_ convince him that you promise not to spy on the iPad contents, but he may not fully believe you (especially if you monitor any other computers), in which case his telling you about the iPad would just mean his finding another, secret, way to get porn. And, if it isn’t porn, it’ll be something else, as he grows up. My advice: if you don’t think he’s hurting himself, let him have his space and privacy. Think about it: When he was 10, you knew everything he had and everything he did. When he’s 25, he’ll have lots of stuff you don’t know about and he’ll do lots of things you don’t know about. This change doesn’t happen in an instant. There must be a transition to get from the former to the latter… a transition where he has and does a few things you don’t know about. Welcome to the beginning of it. My advice for this situation. (1) No mention of the porn. (2) Find the owner and confirm the ownership. (3) Give the iPad back to your son with a stern but not-too-harsh “You must tell us next time.” Maybe a punishment for general rule-enforcement sake, but maybe not\*. (4) Take a deep breath and get ready for the teenage years. (\* Remember: he can’t help wanting to look at porn, and he can’t help wanting you not to know about it, and you never want to seriously punish a kid for something when they really had no choice in the matter.) ---
**Author:** ![bengangmo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/50afbb/32.png) [@bengangmo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bengangmo)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2010, 9:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kid-problem-wanna-hear-it/565092/60 "2010-12-23T09:08:24Z")
Here’s a more general question. In the days of Penthouse, Hustler et al, wasn’t there a lot more “supervision” in the sense that if it could be published and sold on newstands it was pretty much mainstream and harmless? Whereas what can be found on the net isn’t neccessarily so? Personally, I would be more worried about online porn viewing than the traditional mag of yore. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kid-problem-wanna-hear-it/565092.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kid-problem-wanna-hear-it/565092.md?page=4)