# Kids' books we hope we never see **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 22, 2005, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742 "2005-03-22T17:46:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![lorene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/65b543/32.png) [@lorene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lorene)\ **Post date:** [March 23, 2005, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/21 "2005-03-23T23:38:47Z")
Well, I suppose I can imagine the three missing **Pooh’s Corner** books: **A Nuthouse at Pooh Corner** **A Whorehouse at Pooh Corner** **A Halfway House at Pooh Corner** **Guess How Much I Hate You** ---
**Author:** ![Euthanasiast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Euthanasiast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Euthanasiast)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2005, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/22 "2005-03-24T00:31:01Z")
**The Grinch’s Ten Inches** **Your Colon Can Moo, Can You?** **The Cat in the Blender** **Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert** **Fox in Detox** **Who Shat in the Hat?** **Zippy the Rabid Gerbil** \*\*My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket \*\* **Aunts in the Pants** **Oh, The Things You Will Scratch-n-Sniff!** ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2005, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/23 "2005-03-24T01:40:35Z")
**The Little Engine That Could Work for the Fatherland** \*\*The Three Little Pigs Find Out Where Bacon Comes From/B] **Harry Potter and the Trolls of Nambla** **Charlie Manson and the Chocolate Factory** **Alexander the Great and the Terrible, Horrible, Not Good Very Bad Biopic** **Heather Has Two Mommie Dearests** - Bette Davis and Joan Crawford return from the dead to adopt a hard to place little girl. ---
**Author:** ![Chance\_the\_Gardener](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@Chance\_the\_Gardener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chance_the_Gardener)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2005, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/24 "2005-03-24T03:10:31Z")
\*Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Guantanamo Charlie and the Crystal Meth Factory Babykins Meets the Three Sisters Where’s Dildo?\* And special from [url=http://www.focusonthefamily.org]Focus On the Family: \*The Happy Children Who Obey Their Parents Where the Bible Things Are The Eternal Soul of Bartholemew Cubbins ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2005, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/25 "2005-03-24T03:28:17Z")
\*\*The Great Pumpkin Wants a Sacrifice, Charlie Brown! Goldilocks and the Three Bares Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire Island Little House in the Ghetto On the Banks of Love Canal The Secret Fantasies of NIMH Paris Hilton’s Big Book of Bedtime Stories Anna Nicole Smith Teaches You the AB3s\*\* ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2005, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/26 "2005-03-24T12:50:45Z")
**Forty Ways to Surprise your Mother** , by Lizzie Borden ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2005, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/27 "2005-03-24T12:52:27Z")
> [@Euthanasiast](#): > > **The Grinch’s Ten Inches** > **Your Colon Can Moo, Can You?** > **The Cat in the Blender** > **Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert** > **Fox in Detox** > **Who Shat in the Hat?** > **Zippy the Rabid Gerbil** > \*\*My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket \*\* > **Aunts in the Pants** > **Oh, The Things You Will Scratch-n-Sniff!** This whole thread is hilarious, but for some reason this particular post nearly made me damage myself. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Chanteuse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9de053/32.png) [@Chanteuse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chanteuse)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2005, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/28 "2005-03-24T13:07:05Z")
**The ABC’s of S&M** **How Much Is That Hooker In The Window?** **Ramona and Her Period** **Dick With Jane–Come, Jane, Come!** ---
**Author:** ![Sample\_the\_Dog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8797f3/32.png) [@Sample\_the\_Dog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sample_the_Dog)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2005, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/29 "2005-03-24T16:27:38Z")
**Puss in Jack Boots** ---
**Author:** ![furryman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/furryman/32/99_2.png) [@furryman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/furryman)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2005, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/30 "2005-03-24T17:22:32Z")
> [@Euthanasiast](#): > > **Fox in Detox** This reminds me of a (dropped) project by Phil Folgio, it was going to be an X-rated parody of children’s books called “Fox on Sex” ---
**Author:** ![kayT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayt/32/3633_2.png) [@kayT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayT)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2005, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/31 "2005-03-24T17:35:06Z")
Sampiro gets the prize: **Anna Nicole Smith teaches you the AB3s** can’t be topped. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2005, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/32 "2005-03-24T17:41:15Z")
There was an English childrens’ book titled _Swallows And Amazons_. The Madonna Re-write would be called _Amazons That Swallow._ 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Sample\_the\_Dog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8797f3/32.png) [@Sample\_the\_Dog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sample_the_Dog)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2005, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/33 "2005-03-24T18:50:21Z")
**Thumbulemia** : The girl who got smaller and smaller **The Princess and the Penis** : In which our heroine discovers a surprise in her mattress! **The Little Engine that Could Give a F** k\*\*: “I think you can shove it, that’s what I think. I’m getting me a beer.” **Fred Phelps’ Most Loved Bible Stories** : See God smite. Smite, God, smite! **Kurt Cobain’s Rainy Day Activity Book** : C’mon, kids… you’ll have a blast! ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2005, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/34 "2005-03-24T21:45:24Z")
**Where the Girls Gone Wild Things Are** - One day Max decides to take his camcorder to Cancun for Spring Break **Charlotte’s Web of Lies** - Wilbur finds out Charlotte’s darks secret about what she’s been doing on the side to feed her 1000s of children **Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secret Bad Touches** - Harry and the gang try a little “experimentation” and things go too far **The Berenstain Bears and the Bloody Picnic Basket** - The bear family must decide what to do after **The Shitting Tree** - In Shel Silverstein’s popular story, a tree grows tired of an obnoxious boy and gives him a magical gift that keeps on giving. **Everybody Poops, Real Men Take Craps** - An instructional guide for those awkward years **The Cat in the Hat Smokes Crack** - For $20 he’ll be your type…that cat will do anything for that pipe! ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2005, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/35 "2005-03-24T22:57:42Z")
\*\*Willie’s Wonka and the Chocolate Factory Fun with Dick and Tom Daddy Has a Stable Fun Things to Do with the Garbage-Disposal Unit Curious George and the Simian Immunodeficiency Virus Harry Potter and the Satanic Heavy-Metal Goth Cult Horton Changes His Sex Thidwick the Well-Endowed Moose Green Eggs and Ham and Ptomaine and Botulism I Can Lick 30 Strangers Today!\*\* ---
**Author:** ![Sample\_the\_Dog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8797f3/32.png) [@Sample\_the\_Dog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sample_the_Dog)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2005, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/36 "2005-03-24T23:12:55Z")
When I posted the OP, I thought it would likely be a dead-end thread. But every time I come back here, I read it from the top, and giggle my silly little butt off. Thanks everbuddy! Yer all sick!!! ---
**Author:** ![Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e47c2d/32.png) [@Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biffy_the_Elephant_Shrew)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2005, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/37 "2005-03-24T23:18:57Z")
**One Fish, Two Fish, Aryan Fish, Jew Fish** ---
**Author:** ![Revtim](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/revtim/32/1042_2.png) [@Revtim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revtim)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2005, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/38 "2005-03-24T23:27:41Z")
From a list emailed to me a while back. I can’t take credit for any of them. \> 1. You Are Different and That’s Bad \> 2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables \> 3. Dad’s New Wife Robert \> 4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share \> 5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do Book \> 6. The Kid’s Guide to Hitchhiking \> 7. Suzy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her \> 8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence \> 9. All Cats go to Hell \> 10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched \> 11. Some Kittens Can Fly \> 12. That’s it, I’m Putting You up for Adoption \> 13. Grandpa Gets a Casket \> 14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator \> 15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia \> 16. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy \> 17. Strangers Have the Best Candy \> 18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way \> 19. You Were an Accident \> 20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will \> 21. Pop! Goes the Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games \> 22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan \> 23. Your Nightmares Are Real \> 24. Where Would You Like to be Buried? \> 25. Eggs, Toilet Paper and Your School \> 26. Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends? \> 27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things \> 28. Dressing Sexy for Grown=Ups ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [March 24, 2005, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/39 "2005-03-24T23:52:33Z")
\*\*Abu Ghraib and the Night Visitors A Bridge Too Far to Terabithia One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish Jew Fish: Little Leo Trotsky’s First Fishing Trip The Littlest Tumor Little Crackhouse on the Prairie The Little Boy With Tourettes Who Cried WOLF! C_NT! C_NT! WHORE! WOLF! Aladdin and the Genie Called Jihad Where Do Babies Come From? A Scratch & Sniff Book\*\* ---
**Author:** ![Agrippina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8797f3/32.png) [@Agrippina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agrippina)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2005, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/40 "2005-03-25T00:50:54Z")
Kids will have many adventures with **The Magic School Bus** : **Explores the Prison System** **A Visit to the Colliseum**. In this special book, Ms. Frizzle makes each of her classmates participate in bloody gladitorial games. **Visits A Remote Whorehouse in Nevada** **And the Electric Kool-Aid Acid Trip** [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742.md?page=3)