# Kids' books we hope we never see **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 22, 2005, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742 "2005-03-22T17:46:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2005, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/41 "2005-03-25T03:01:57Z")
This, honest-to-Og, is the title of a book a friend of mine met in the Slush Pile at Houghton-Mifflin: **The Littlest Concubine** ---
**Author:** ![Sample\_the\_Dog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8797f3/32.png) [@Sample\_the\_Dog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sample_the_Dog)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2005, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/42 "2005-03-25T03:12:36Z")
> [@OtakuLoki](#): > > This, honest-to-Og, is the title of a book a friend of mine met in the Slush Pile at Houghton-Mifflin: > > **The Littlest Concubine** Maybe it was next to this title: **The Calico Catamite** : Cross-dressing trans-generational fun on the prairie! ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2005, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/43 "2005-03-25T03:16:08Z")
That’s been written, too? :eek: ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2005, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/44 "2005-03-25T03:25:51Z")
\*\*Peter Rabbit Meets Farmer MacGregor’s Ferret How to Catch Mommy and Daddy Fucking The Erotic Adventures of Doctor Dolittle The Wonderful Wizard of Ounce Grimm’s Unexpurgated Fairy Tales\*\* (you actually can find unexpurgated editions of the Brothers Grimm, but not in the children’s section, and for good reason!) \*\*Alice’s Adventures in Las Vegas Mary Poppins Applies a Little Discipline Fun with Accelerants “What’s That Hole for in the Toilet Stall Partition?” and Other Answers for Curious Young Minds\*\* ---
**Author:** ![danceswithcats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9e8a1a/32.png) [@danceswithcats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danceswithcats)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2005, 3:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/45 "2005-03-25T03:42:41Z")
**Why Big Brother Washes His Pee-Pee So Long** **Mommy and the Pool Boy** **Daddy Likes the Babysitter and Long Drives to Her House** **Counting the Corn in Your Poop** **Zappy the Treerat Dances on the Substation Insulator** **Hairy Palms and Other Lies About Touching Yourself** ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2005, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/46 "2005-03-25T04:21:38Z")
\*\*Scavenger Hunt Challenge: Where Does Daddy Hide His Cigarettes? “Why Are We Created Only to Suffer and Die?” And Other Brain Teasers Earning Pocket Money at the Bus Station Restroom Beyond Scratch ‘n’ Sniff: A Child’s Guide to Blotter Acid Are You There, God? It’s Me, Damien. You Goin’ DOWN, Bitch! The Great Brain Plots Global Domination How to Pretend You’re Listening to Grownups Encyclopedia Brown Meets Tony Soprano Encyclopedia Brown Sleeps with the Fishes How to Tell if Your Teacher Is Gay Putting Grandma Out of Her Misery A Child’s Guide to Inferior Races Slingshots, Air Rifles and Cherry Bombs: A Child’s Guide to Low-Intensity Conflict Weapons and Tactics\*\* ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2005, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/47 "2005-03-25T13:49:59Z")
> [@Hypno-Toad](#): > > One I’ve heard of: **Bi-Curious George** I’ve heard that gag. (I think it was in an e-mail.) Others include: **It Burns When I Pee, Charlie Brown! All Dogs Go To Hell Some Kittens Can Fly! Why Grandma’s Not Moving Katy Was So Bad, Her Mother Stopped Loving Her The Princess And The Pill** ---
**Author:** ![MacTech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2005, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/48 "2005-03-25T14:40:34Z")
H.P. Rowling presents; Harry Potter and the Great Old Ones Bambi meets Mr Ram (Mr…Dodge Ram) It’s Hunting Season in Teletubby land (oh wait, ones we _don’t_ want to see…) Curious George and the Nuclear Warhead You’ve got Radiation Sickness, Charlie Brown! Barney the dinosaur visits the freindly Leper colony Barney discovers the _real_ reason dinosaurs went extinct Kermit the Frog and the French Gourmet Resturant 😉 Meet our freind, Mr. Ebola Bob the Builder forgets to turn off the current while fixing his projection TV Freddy Krueger visits the Village of Make-Believe ---
**Author:** ![MacTech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2005, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/49 "2005-03-25T14:49:10Z")
The [Happy Tree Friends](http://happytreefriends.atomfilms.com/index.html)\* and the [Retarded Animal Babies](http://www.newgrounds.com/collections/rab.html)\* visit Sesame Street \*NSFW, very funny, but not for the humor-impaired ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2005, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/50 "2005-03-25T15:06:21Z")
> [@MacTech](#): > > H.P. Rowling presents; Harry Potter and the Great Old Ones **Harry Porthole and the Philosopher’s Bone** **Harold and His Pink Crayon (Daddy’s) Too Big For Diapers The Cat In Heat Cars, Trucks, And Things That Go Running over Your Pet The Little Engine That Could Masturbate Hop On Pop, Like A Good Little Girl The Three Little Pigs 2: Makin’ Bacon Mr. Toad’s Wild Poo Stick Ride Horton Fertilizes An Egg Nancy Drew Her Panties Down The Hardy Boys Mystery Of Fire Island The Jungle-Love Books Thomas the Skank Engine Frog And Toad Together (But They Still Can’t Legally Marry) Puppy’s Getting Pointy! The Berenstain Bears And The Truth About Hunting Season Caillou Puts Away His Toys And Finds Daddy’s Gun The Golden Shower Book Of Fairy Tales James And The Giant Biotch Little Red Riding Hood And The Man In The Furry Wolf Costume Dora Drowned In The Deep Sea** ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [March 28, 2005, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/51 "2005-03-28T02:10:35Z")
> [@Johnny L.A.](#): > > **Harry Porthole and the Philosopher’s Bone** > > **Hop On Pop, Like A Good Little Girl** If the gods had never created a hell before this thread, I think they just voted unanimously to do so. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/52 "2005-04-29T19:55:56Z")
\*\*Danny Dunn and the Secret Bioweapons Project Matthew Looney and the Earthling Anal Probe Expedition Oh, the Stinks You Can Stink! Bartholomew and the Anthrax\*\* ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Amazing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6de8d8/32.png) [@Captain\_Amazing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Amazing)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/53 "2005-04-29T20:58:56Z")
\*\*The Lion, the Bitch, and the Whore’s Robe. The Magician’s “Nephew” Tales of a Fourth Grade Junkie Ramona the Crack Addict\*\* ---
**Author:** ![Nunavut\_Boy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/e95f7d/32.png) [@Nunavut\_Boy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nunavut_Boy)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/54 "2005-04-29T22:27:13Z")
**The Hardy Boys and The Mystery of Nancy Drew’s Bastard Child’s Paternity** **101 Things Worse Than Spanking Your Parents Can Legally Do To You** - for problem children **Your Parents Had You So They Wouldn’t Have to Mow The Lawn or Do the Dishes Anymore** **Stop Being Such a Fucking Pussy: A Child’s Guide to Self Reliance** **So You’re Retarded…** **Extortion Schemes for Children** **’Experiments’ on Younger Siblings Activity Book** **Divorce is Caused by Little Shits Like You** **Fuck Sesame Street** by Mr. Rogers **All Children Are Stupid and Ugly…Even You!** ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/55 "2005-04-29T23:35:46Z")
The Magic Schoolbus and the Heat Death of the Universe The Kids’ Guinness Book of Records Guide to Uncaptured Serial Killers Walt Disney’s _The Red Badge of Courage_ Junior Novelization Davy and Goliath get “Left Behind” ---
**Author:** ![The\_Great\_Zamboni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@The\_Great\_Zamboni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Great_Zamboni)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2005, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742/56 "2005-04-30T01:20:30Z")
**Roger Waters’ A Children’s Guide to The Wall** **Why Your Teacher is On Top of You** **Daddy’s Special Soda is Fun!** **The Mein Kampf Primer** [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kids-books-we-hope-we-never-see/295742.md?page=2)