# Kill a Cleaver **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [August 21, 2015, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-a-cleaver/728448 "2015-08-21T17:29:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2015, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-a-cleaver/728448/1 "2015-08-21T17:29:34Z")
You are the executive producer of ‘Leave it to Beaver’ and you have asked Alfred Hitchcock to write, direct and edit the 1958 SEASON PREMIERE! of ‘Leave it to Beaver’ (its second season, first year on ABC). Ol’ Hitchy has decided that one of the Cleavers will be murdered-- ironically with a bread knife-- and will be forthwith and furthermore gone from the series. You, as executive producer, have final say in which character-- Ward, June or Wally-- gets sliced up like a loaf of Wonder. “The Beaver” Cleaver stays, he’s the star. So how should your show proceed? As a sitcom about a single mom of two boys? The widower Ward struggling to provide guidance for Wally and the Beav? A family suffering the loss of their elder (and let’s be honest here: more fully-functioning) child? You decide now! ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2015, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-a-cleaver/728448/2 "2015-08-21T17:32:32Z")
Aww, no option to kill of that Haskell dickhead? Damn. Wally. With circumstantial evidence pointing toward both Lumpy and Eddie. ---
**Author:** ![koufax](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7ea924/32.png) [@koufax](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/koufax)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2015, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-a-cleaver/728448/3 "2015-08-21T17:59:00Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Aww, no option to kill of that Haskell dickhead? Damn. > > Wally. With circumstantial evidence pointing toward both Lumpy and Eddie. HA HA! Brilliant! ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2015, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-a-cleaver/728448/4 "2015-08-21T18:01:59Z")
> [@Happy\_Lendervedder](#): > > Ol’ Hitchy has decided that one of the Cleavers will be murdered-- ironically with a bread knife… ♬ _I killed The Beaver With a four-loaf cleaver…_ ♬ . ---
**Author:** ![tenacious\_j](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/439d5e/32.png) [@tenacious\_j](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tenacious_j)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2015, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-a-cleaver/728448/5 "2015-08-21T18:14:53Z")
Definitely Ward. He wasn’t that interesting and always at work anyway. There were other classic shows about single dads, at least there were in the 60’s. We don’t need Ward. Also, I would like to see how June interacted with lumpy and Eddie in later seasons if she didn’t have old Ward around. ---
**Author:** ![ralph124c](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8797f3/32.png) [@ralph124c](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ralph124c)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2015, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-a-cleaver/728448/6 "2015-08-21T18:23:26Z")
Ward was found, slashed to death in his study room. He was wearing a sweater. Eddie Haskell was seen running from the home. The investigation is ongoing. ---
**Author:** ![Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e47c2d/32.png) [@Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biffy_the_Elephant_Shrew)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2015, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-a-cleaver/728448/7 "2015-08-21T18:34:32Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > With circumstantial evidence pointing toward both Lumpy and Eddie. …which means Whitey would have gotten away with it if Larry Mondello hadn’t finked on him. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2015, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-a-cleaver/728448/8 "2015-08-21T18:46:55Z")
We can’t kill the Beav? ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2015, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-a-cleaver/728448/9 "2015-08-21T19:31:03Z")
Beaver totes puts the slay to Wally. But under the influence of a marijuana Eddie forced him to take. The rest of the show is awkward interactions between the Beav and his resentful but dutiful parents. ---
**Author:** ![Tamerlane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tamerlane/32/7602_2.png) [@Tamerlane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tamerlane)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2015, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-a-cleaver/728448/10 "2015-08-21T19:42:31Z")
> [@tenacious\_j](#): > > Also, I would like to see how June interacted with lumpy and Eddie in later seasons if she didn’t have old Ward around. That right there. June playing a low-key Mrs. Robinson to Wally’s slightly creeped-out friends would be _gold_. Particularly Eddie Haskell trying his smarmy act and getting increasingly unnerved as June starts becoming more openly predatory :). ---
**Author:** ![Infovore](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/infovore/32/420_2.png) [@Infovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Infovore)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2015, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-a-cleaver/728448/11 "2015-08-21T21:44:26Z")
I always thought Wally was a big ol’ dork. Beaver and Larry kill him accidentally when one of their harebrained schemes (this one involving a lethal burglar alarm) goes catastrophically wrong. ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2015, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-a-cleaver/728448/12 "2015-08-21T22:29:24Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > We can’t kill the Beav? Yeah, that’s who I want to whack. ---
**Author:** ![TBG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c89c15/32.png) [@TBG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TBG)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2015, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-a-cleaver/728448/13 "2015-08-21T23:19:40Z")
I picked Ward, if for no other reason than [spoiler]because he actually did get killed off for Still the Beaver. Granted, the death of Hugh Beaumont kinda forced their hand on that one.[/spoiler] ---
**Author:** ![koufax](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7ea924/32.png) [@koufax](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/koufax)\ **Post date:** [August 21, 2015, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-a-cleaver/728448/14 "2015-08-21T23:51:31Z")
Ward catches June in bed with Fred Rutherford and kills himself. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2015, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-a-cleaver/728448/15 "2015-08-22T00:25:09Z")
In one of his usual dumbass moves, Beaver accidentally kills Wally so Ward can give him the life lesson of all life lessons. The remaining episodes that season focus on Eddie’s attempts to avenge the death of his best friend. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2015, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-a-cleaver/728448/16 "2015-08-22T00:28:34Z")
I voted to kill off June. _“Mr. Cleaver, that’s a nice suit you are wearing.”_ ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2015, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-a-cleaver/728448/17 "2015-08-22T02:47:37Z")
> [@TBG](#): > > I picked Ward, if for no other reason than [spoiler]because he actually did get killed off for Still the Beaver. > > Granted, the death of Hugh Beaumont kinda forced their hand on that one.[/spoiler] **Mods** : could someone spoiler this please? ---
**Author:** ![Enright3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/enright3/32/2897_2.png) [@Enright3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enright3)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2015, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-a-cleaver/728448/18 "2015-08-22T03:20:59Z")
> [@Baker](#): > > I voted to kill off June. > > _“Mr. Cleaver, that’s a nice suit you are wearing.”_ You can’t kill off June. [There just aren’t enough people who know how to speak Jive.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qa1rjCZxtxo) ---
**Author:** ![Idle\_Thoughts](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/838e76/32.png) [@Idle\_Thoughts](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Idle_Thoughts)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2015, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-a-cleaver/728448/19 "2015-08-22T16:34:42Z")
Added some Spoiler Tags. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2015, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-a-cleaver/728448/20 "2015-08-22T17:03:48Z")
> [@ralph124c](#): > > Ward was found, slashed to death in his study room. He was wearing a sweater. Eddie Haskell was seen running from the home. > The investigation is ongoing. It all stemmed from him stealing from a neighbor’s garage. Ward was on his way home from work and saw him. Mr Buckley told him about the theft the next day and Ward put what happened together. The next time Eddie was over, Ward asked to see him in his study, giving him a day to confess and return the items before Ward would turn him in. If only Ward knew why… the endless betting on sports… the fact that he owed over $1000 and had been beaten once already. That he’d stolen from his parents already, been caught, and had been told they’d kick him out if he ever stole again. His world crumbling & with no way out, Eddie entered the Cleaver house through the kitchen. The knife was just sitting in the wood block… and the washcloth on the sink would cover the finger prints. Each step towards the study felt like loss… each step felt like a part of him was slipping away… Birthday parties… his first bike… his first friend… until standing at the doorway to the study was a desperate and dangerous animal stripped of its humanity… [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-a-cleaver/728448.md?page=2)