# Kill, schmill...How do I CAPTURE a zombie? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 23, 2003, 9:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-schmill-how-do-i-capture-a-zombie/203281 "2003-09-23T09:42:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2003, 9:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-schmill-how-do-i-capture-a-zombie/203281/1 "2003-09-23T09:42:43Z")
…What I want with it once I’ve got it is my business. The problems, it would seem, are threefold…1) A specific zombie must be found, and brought back “alive” and (relatively) undamaged to my lab. 2) The zombie doesn’t _want_ to be captured. It wants to kill and eat humans, and their sweet, chewy, brains. Plus, a zombie’s bite will either turn a human into a zombie, or at the very least lay them out near death with a raging staph infection (Zombies don’t brush their teeth. And they’re corpses). 3) The zombie’s got company. Civilization hasn’t fallen, but there’s a good sized gaggle of zombies running—well, _shambling_ around the town. Not to mention the question of the operational budget… So…any takers? ---
**Author:** ![green\_bladder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/73ab20/32.png) [@green\_bladder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/green_bladder)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2003, 10:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-schmill-how-do-i-capture-a-zombie/203281/2 "2003-09-23T10:02:21Z")
Will tranquilisers work on zombies? ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2003, 10:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-schmill-how-do-i-capture-a-zombie/203281/3 "2003-09-23T10:31:26Z")
Get a large net and then send Shaggy and Scooby down to lure the zombie under the net. Once the zombie is in position you pull the lever and drop the net on the zombie. But don’t be sprised if it turns out to be old man Wilks in a mask and not a real zombie. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2003, 10:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-schmill-how-do-i-capture-a-zombie/203281/4 "2003-09-23T10:33:52Z")
Well, a net gun or an Ares Goop Gun will subdue a zombie… ---
**Author:** ![Aankh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ebca7d/32.png) [@Aankh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aankh)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2003, 11:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-schmill-how-do-i-capture-a-zombie/203281/5 "2003-09-23T11:15:45Z")
See now, in order to capture a zombie, you need to buy 9341 metres of fuschia pink yarn and a crochet hook. Now sit yourself down in a straightback chair made of old oak. Start crocheting and continue non-stop till the yarn runs out. I assure you that you’ll be a zombie by the time you’re through. Voila! Zombie captured! Stupid, useless high-school needlework classes… ---
**Author:** ![IcicleFuzz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/ba8739/32.png) [@IcicleFuzz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IcicleFuzz)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2003, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-schmill-how-do-i-capture-a-zombie/203281/6 "2003-09-23T12:46:18Z")
When you say undamaged, that means all limbs must still be attached? Really? Damn. Get it to shamble into a trap filled with quick drying cement. Once it’s in a solid block of concrete up to its neck he’s trapped and you can cart it away in your folklift truck at your leisure. Simple. ---
**Author:** ![robertliguori](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/46a35a/32.png) [@robertliguori](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robertliguori)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2003, 1:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-schmill-how-do-i-capture-a-zombie/203281/7 "2003-09-23T13:03:31Z")
First, cordon off the area. No zombies get in, no zombies get out. Proceed to kill all zombies that aren’t the one you want in a variety of low-collateral-damage ways. When you’re down to a few, start setting snare traps baited with brains. ---
**Author:** ![Revtim](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/revtim/32/1042_2.png) [@Revtim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revtim)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2003, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-schmill-how-do-i-capture-a-zombie/203281/8 "2003-09-23T13:35:54Z")
I suppose electric shocks would immobilize them; they still use muscles to move around, and they would likely spasm as much or more than a live human’s muscles. ---
**Author:** ![Elysian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c77e96/32.png) [@Elysian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elysian)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2003, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-schmill-how-do-i-capture-a-zombie/203281/9 "2003-09-23T13:39:06Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by aasna \* > \*\*See now, in order to capture a zombie, you need to buy 9341 metres of fuschia pink yarn and a crochet hook. Now sit yourself down in a straightback chair made of old oak. Start crocheting and continue non-stop till the yarn runs out. I assure you that you’ll be a zombie by the time you’re through. Voila! Zombie captured! > > Stupid, useless high-school needlework classes… \*\* That’s because YOU’LL be the zombie 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Elysian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c77e96/32.png) [@Elysian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elysian)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2003, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-schmill-how-do-i-capture-a-zombie/203281/10 "2003-09-23T13:40:28Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Elysian \* > \*\*That’s because YOU’LL be the zombie 😛 \*\* :smack: I should read closer, thought you see “you’ll see a zombie” instead of “you’ll be a zombie” god I’m brain dead… (zombie here, quickly running away from Ranchoth) ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2003, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-schmill-how-do-i-capture-a-zombie/203281/11 "2003-09-23T14:53:50Z")
Haven’t you seen **Day of the Dead**? They show you exactly how to do it – you build a “gate” in the wall separating you from the zombies, so you can let one into a tight, fenced-in area. They’ll rush in right away in the hopes of getting a bite of you. You shut the door, trapping that one zombie in an enclosed space, and use ropes on the ends of stick and other such long-distance stuff to secure them. Be sure to hear HEAVY gloves and protective clothing. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2003, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-schmill-how-do-i-capture-a-zombie/203281/12 "2003-09-23T15:18:37Z")
[Ranchoth,](http://www.scarygoround.com/?date=20021031) [DO](http://www.scarygoround.com/?date=20021115) [YOU](http://www.scarygoround.com/?date=20021127) [MEAN](http://www.scarygoround.com/?date=20030121) [THIS](http://www.scarygoround.com/?date=20030124) [KIND](http://www.scarygoround.com/?date=20030129) [OF](http://www.scarygoround.com/?date=20030130) [ZOMBIE,](http://www.scarygoround.com/?date=20030212) [BY](http://www.scarygoround.com/?date=20030213) [ANY](http://www.scarygoround.com/?date=20030214) [CHANCE?](http://www.scarygoround.com/?date=20030218) ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2003, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-schmill-how-do-i-capture-a-zombie/203281/13 "2003-09-23T15:51:01Z")
Dress up like a sexy female zombie and go, “Oh, _zombie_—over here, big boy!” while sax music plays in the background. Then have him step into the elevator shaft you’ve disguised as your boudoir door. Don’t forget to bat your false eyelashes. ---
**Author:** ![Yumblie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/76d3ee/32.png) [@Yumblie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yumblie)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2003, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-schmill-how-do-i-capture-a-zombie/203281/14 "2003-09-23T22:56:18Z")
Along those lines, buy a box of ACME _Zombie Pellets_, and place a pile of them under a net. ---
**Author:** ![Vlad\_Dracul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/50afbb/32.png) [@Vlad\_Dracul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vlad_Dracul)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2003, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-schmill-how-do-i-capture-a-zombie/203281/15 "2003-09-24T00:12:43Z")
Might it help your project to have data on the subject BEFORE he becomes a zombie? 1. Collect tissue samples from a zombie (by blasting bits off him with a shotgun, for example). 2. Return to your lab, sneak up behind your assistant, and smack him over the head with something heavy. 3. Inject assistant with zombie tissue. 4. Drag assistant into prepared zombie cage. 5. Wait a few hours… you now have a zombie! You even get to watch him change! ---
**Author:** ![Master\_Wang-Ka](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/master_wang-ka/32/3325_2.png) [@Master\_Wang-Ka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Master_Wang-Ka)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2003, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-schmill-how-do-i-capture-a-zombie/203281/16 "2003-09-24T00:19:01Z")
Tranks don’t work; blood doesn’t circulate. The film “Dawn Of The Dead” does cover zombie capture procedures fairly well, though, although I would recommend some VERY good protective gear if you’re going to be doing it yourself. The incredibly disgusting short story anthology “Book Of The Dead” also includes a variety of methods for capturing and rendering harmless the walking dead (removing hands and teeth, for example). ---
**Author:** ![The\_Asbestos\_Mango](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/edb3f5/32.png) [@The\_Asbestos\_Mango](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Asbestos_Mango)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2003, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-schmill-how-do-i-capture-a-zombie/203281/17 "2003-09-24T00:44:23Z")
**Ranchoth** , what is it with you and zombies today? OK, you find a person you really don’t like a lot, a van with the rear compartment sealed off from the cab, and come up with some pretext for a van ride to the most zombie-infested part of town. Park the van in a place where zombies will be sure to find it. Get out of the van with your companion, open the rear door and ask him/her to get something out that isn’t actually in there, so they will spend a lot of time rummaging through whatever equipment you have in there looking for the nonexistent item. Make sure the rear door is open and remove yourself to a place of concealment and wait. Shortly a zombie will come shambling up and enter the van to grab an easy meal. Quickly run out of your hiding place, slam the door shut and padlock it from the outside. Voila. Zombie captured. How to get the zombie out of the van once you’ve gotten it back to your, ah, facility… That’s your problem, bub. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Asbestos\_Mango](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/edb3f5/32.png) [@The\_Asbestos\_Mango](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Asbestos_Mango)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2003, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-schmill-how-do-i-capture-a-zombie/203281/18 "2003-09-24T00:51:58Z")
Of course, if you’re looking for a specific zombie, you would have to take your “friend” to an area the zombie in question is known to frequent. Since zombies are very much creatures of habit, a favorite shopping mall, or better still the former person’s former residence would be a good place. Make sure that the desired zombie is, in fact, in the area and doesn’t have too much company, then proceed with the above plan. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2003, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-schmill-how-do-i-capture-a-zombie/203281/19 "2003-09-24T00:59:46Z")
A zombie cannot be bound. It will rip itself apart trying to escape. But you can randomize the zombie’s energy output, and hence restrain it into a relatively small space. The best method utilizes traditional lawn rakes, laid tines up, in a wide circle around the zombie. The zombie steps on the tines, is smacked sharply on the forehead by the rake handle, and staggers off in a new direction. Repeat. You can then direct the zombie toward new victims by laying a corridor surrounded by rakes in the appropriate direction. ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2003, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-schmill-how-do-i-capture-a-zombie/203281/20 "2003-09-24T02:00:48Z")
Leave Rob Zombie alone! What’s he ever done to you? Oh, _those_ zombies…Shoot, I even wrote a short story about a guy capturing things like this, but it was so long ago. Hmmmm…Just don’t give it any salt. It’ll wake up and realize it’s a zombie, and then it’ll be pissed. If I can find the story, I’ll let you know more details. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kill-schmill-how-do-i-capture-a-zombie/203281.md?page=2)