# Kind of sad **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 8, 2010, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kind-of-sad/556481 "2010-10-08T13:51:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![moejoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de053/32.png) [@moejoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moejoe)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kind-of-sad/556481/21 "2010-10-09T02:42:31Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > > [@tdn](#): > > > > On our second date, things grew even deeper. We were at a stage that most couples don’t get to in ten years, if ever. > > Really? Farting in front of each other and arguing about who’s turn it is to clean out the cat box? Awesome! ---
**Author:** ![Gestalt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/90ced4/32.png) [@Gestalt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gestalt)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kind-of-sad/556481/22 "2010-10-09T05:46:42Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > > [@tdn](#): > > > > It sure felt like it. > > > > The whole thing was eerily reminiscent of the beginning of my last relationship. And in that relationship, neither of us had ever before felt anything that intense. And we used to get comments all the time. It seemed like people constantly noticed that we were on some different level. > > > > Or maybe it was in our imaginations. (Which is the only place it counts.) > > Or maybe just yours? Because after two dates, she said she didn’t want to date anymore. Um, I think you’re missing the part where she didn’t want to date him _only because he aroused such strong passions in her_! I know that whenever I feel passionate about someone, the last thing I ever want to do is see them again, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel a closer relationship to them than I would if we had been dating for 26 years. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kind-of-sad/556481/23 "2010-10-09T13:32:44Z")
> [@moejoe](#): > > Farting in front of each other and arguing about who’s turn it is to clean out the cat box? > > Awesome! Even deeper than that. They felt close enough to each other that their primary method of communication was _e-mail_. [QUOTE=Gestalt] Um, I think you’re missing the part where she didn’t want to date him _only because he aroused such strong passions in her_! [/QUOTE] Of course. Next time I’ll read for comprehension. Seriously, **t** , love your guts, and I understand what it’s like to like someone a great deal right away, but it may have been a one-way feeling, and this true, deep connection may have been in your head entirely. You might think this means don’t “get it,” but may I humbly suggest that maybe you don’t get it? It seems to me that you met a bunch of ladies you didn’t like, met one that you did, became extremely emotionally invested very quickly, and she did not. But of course, I wasn’t there, so maybe it was True, Burning, Deep Love. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kind-of-sad/556481/24 "2010-10-09T15:11:23Z")
It’s entirely possible that the attraction was one-way, but the many messages from her saying that she felt exactly the same way indicates something else to me. Call me crazy, but I’ll take her at her word when she repeatedly told me how attracted and connected she is. The passionate kisses seem to back that up. MOL, I’m not quite sure why you’d even try to argue otherwise, unless you’re intentionally trying to make me feel worse. Why would you do that? Anyway, I’m over her now and have fully moved on. I’m still thinking about her, but thoughts of her are just putting a big grin on my face. I feel awesome this morning. ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kind-of-sad/556481/25 "2010-10-09T15:43:25Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > > [@Wheelz](#): > > > > If I read your OP correctly, you saw her in person exactly three times. Am I right about that? You can’t really know somebody after three dates and some e-mails. > > Really? This is something that is sort of screaming for a poll. A quick google search turned up no poll on whether you believe in love at first sight, [so I started one](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=581279). 😃 > [@Fried\_Dough\_Ho](#): > > Wheelz is very wise. > > I have been on two First Dates that I thought created instant connections – and was led to believe those feelings were reciprocated. > > In one case I was told “it just can’t be right now.” I still don’t know what that means. In the other case, I was told that I would be called the next day as he was so excited to see me again. I never heard from him again. > > We get over these things although it has changed my dating practices considerably. (i.e., I don’t date.) I had one very intense weekend with someone whom matched up with me in every way conceivable-we’d even joke that we were dating ourselves, note how our bodies seemed to match up, etc. etc. etc. Got intimate on the 2nd meeting, home plate the next day. But once that weekend (3 day holiday one) faded and Tuesday morning came along, something changed. We had one more date the following weekend, then she called me to say that it was all too intense for her. My theory is that connections like these can completely blow the minds of those not prepared for it-while for years it was all I could think of (yes, for good or bad), the attitude I got from her was that it had completely blindsided her and nuked several of her paradigms in the process, and past some point she couldn’t deal with it. ---
**Author:** ![Gestalt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/90ced4/32.png) [@Gestalt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gestalt)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kind-of-sad/556481/26 "2010-10-09T15:59:35Z")
Since I also made a snarky comment in this thread, I feel like I should explain myself too, lest y’all think I’m a bitch for no reason (also **MOL** said something nice and now I feel bad). **Tdn** , I only started posting on her prolifically recently, but I’ve been a hard-core lurker for maybe 7 years, and I know most people’s “board personalities” well. You have a very distinct one when it comes to women. You seem to take everything involving relationships to an _extreme_. From a stranger on the internet reading of your exploits POV, you seem super aggressive with women, and take any positive (or even neutral) gestures toward you to mean that they are seriously into you. Again, from my POV, the way you write it, it makes you seem creepy. You tend to write about most women, and your dating skills, in florid praise. I know you were recently in a long-term relationship (which you also described in florid praise, but that’s okay, because lots of people do that about their SOs), which seemed to be going well but ended for some reason I can’t put my finger on. Anyways, this woman and this relationship seemed very, very significant to you. Basically, it seemed like the type of relationship which few of us are blessed to have. Then you start this thread in which you compare someone you literally hung out with twice as comparable to that _exact heavenly perfect relationship you had before_. You say completely absurd things, like in two dates you achieved a depth of understanding that most people don’t get with 10 years of marriage. Or that you “moved Heaven and Earth” to move a lunch date up a few days closer. The kicker of course, is that soon thereafter she decided that she just wasn’t that into you, and gave you a seemingly nonsensical overblown romance novel reason that sounds like something you might say yourself. And to top it all of, two days later, you’re completely over this love of your life?? You asked why **MOL** might have suggested your relationship was one way, if she just meant to hurt you. I can’t speak for her, but for myself, if I had just written some nice-sounding “Oh, that sucks, it’ll get better” pablum, I would have felt like an enabler. I know you didn’t ask for advice, you just posted this for huggles. But I have a right to say what I want on this board too, and it is my humble opinion that it would behoove you to try to analyze and understand your approach and attitude towards women and relationships. Or at least why you think of everything in such grandiose terms. I’ve had a lot of artarded relationship issues too, but after actually some significant therapy, I think I’ve moved beyond them to a more rational understanding of relationships. So I think that reflecting about why you act the way you do could yield good dividends. Just MHO, of course. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kind-of-sad/556481/27 "2010-10-09T16:47:55Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > MOL, I’m not quite sure why you’d even try to argue otherwise, unless you’re intentionally trying to make me feel worse. Why would you do that? I don’t really care how you feel, but it certainly is _not_ my goal to make you feel worse; I’m just saying what I’m thinking. But I guess I wasn’t supposed to say anything unless I was offering up {hugs}. > [@](#): > > Anyway, I’m over her now and have fully moved on. Wow, you sure do get over the bond built by 10 years’ worth of a relationship very quickly. Glad you’re feeling better. > [@Gestalt](#): > > …lest y’all think I’m a bitch for no reason… Not that there’s anything wrong with that. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kind-of-sad/556481/28 "2010-10-09T21:29:54Z")
Wow, this thread has really gotten out of hand. I meet a girl, I like her, she likes me, but she discovers that she’s not ready for a relationship right now, and I’m a little bummed about that. Bring on the threadshitters. Thanks, guys. ---
**Author:** ![Gestalt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/90ced4/32.png) [@Gestalt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gestalt)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kind-of-sad/556481/29 "2010-10-09T21:48:12Z")
Okay, fine **tdn** , how about this: Ohmigosh, that must really suck. I’m so sorry you have to go through this right now. Don’t worry though, you’ll get over it soon. Now get back on the dance floor, you stud 🙂 Better? Is that what we all need to post in response to your relationship woes? ---
**Author:** ![Gestalt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/90ced4/32.png) [@Gestalt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gestalt)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kind-of-sad/556481/30 "2010-10-09T21:49:34Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Wow, this thread has really gotten out of hand. I meet a girl, I like her, she likes me, but she discovers that she’s not ready for a relationship right now, and I’m a little bummed about that. Also, this is not at all how you phrased it, okay? Also, in my experience, if anyone really likes anyone, they’re never really “not ready for a relationship.” They throw caution to the wind and date the person. Or else they just didn’t like them that much. ---
**Author:** ![Sticks\_and\_Scones](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sticks_and_scones/32/16951_2.png) [@Sticks\_and\_Scones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sticks_and_Scones)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kind-of-sad/556481/31 "2010-10-09T22:06:41Z")
> [@Gestalt](#): > > > [@tdn](#): > > > > Wow, this thread has really gotten out of hand. I meet a girl, I like her, she likes me, but she discovers that she’s not ready for a relationship right now, and I’m a little bummed about that. > > Also, this is not at all how you phrased it, okay? Also, in my experience, if anyone really likes anyone, they’re never really “not ready for a relationship.” They throw caution to the wind and date the person. Or else they just didn’t like them that much. Do you always have to be right? Or just when you’re obsessively tracking\*\* tdn\*\* and his relationship patterns? ---
**Author:** ![Gestalt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/90ced4/32.png) [@Gestalt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gestalt)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kind-of-sad/556481/32 "2010-10-09T22:13:22Z")
> [@Sticks\_and\_Scones](#): > > > [@Gestalt](#): > > > > Also, this is not at all how you phrased it, okay? Also, in my experience, if anyone really likes anyone, they’re never really “not ready for a relationship.” They throw caution to the wind and date the person. Or else they just didn’t like them that much. > > Do you always have to be right? Or just when you’re obsessively tracking\*\* tdn\*\* and his relationship patterns? The first. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kind-of-sad/556481/33 "2010-10-09T23:12:10Z")
If a girl says “You arouse such attraction in me that I realize I’m not ready to date!” you should take that as a sign that she’s not interested in you and is trying to make you feel better. Funniest break-up line that’s been used on me: “You make me think too much.” We’ve all (or at least most of us have) been there. I’m not trying to make you feel like shit but if you fool yourself into thinking she loves you after two dates you’re only setting yourself up for more heartache down the road, especially if you decide to sit it out and wait for her to “be ready”. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2010, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kind-of-sad/556481/34 "2010-10-09T23:34:30Z")
> [@AClockworkMelon](#): > > If a girl says “You arouse such attraction in me that I realize I’m not ready to date!” you should take that as a sign that she’s not interested in you and is trying to make you feel better. That’s not exactly how she phrased it, but yeah, I have considered that. And **Gestalt** ’s right, if she were really into me she’d figure out a way to make it happen. Or maybe she’s telling the truth. Either way, though, does it really matter? It still sucks that it went south. And I never convinced myself that she loved me after two dates. Just that there was strong attraction and connection, and it looked like there was real potential. ---
**Author:** ![Zjestika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/8edcca/32.png) [@Zjestika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zjestika)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2010, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kind-of-sad/556481/35 "2010-10-10T00:06:15Z")
Maybe she’s just not that into intensity. I know for me intensity is not what I want in a relationship or a partner. That’s not to say that I might not get sucked into a brief intense fling, but I’d probably break up with the person for, you know, challanging my paradigms or whatever. I think it’s awesome that you’re putting yourself out there but you might find that it’s a rare woman who values intensity as much as you do. Here’s hoping you find her. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2010, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kind-of-sad/556481/36 "2010-10-10T00:07:36Z")
Sorry if this seems like pushing a dead issue or something, but i, too, was somewhat curious about this: > [@tdn](#): > > On our second date, things grew even deeper. We were at a stage that most couples don’t get to in ten years, if ever. I’m willing to accept that it’s possible that you reached a point of real mutual understanding in such a short time, although the fact that the next step was complete separation suggests the possibility of some self-delusion. What irks me most, i guess, about comments like this, is that they assume an inner understanding of how everyone else’s relationships feel. How do you know that the feelings you had were not the same sorts of feelings experienced by millions of people in loving relationships every day? It takes a fair bit of hubris to say not only “Our two-date-old relationship is awesome,” but “It’s so great that it’s unlikely that any of you people have ever experienced anything remotely similar.” ---
**Author:** ![Gestalt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/90ced4/32.png) [@Gestalt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gestalt)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2010, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kind-of-sad/556481/37 "2010-10-10T00:30:56Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > And I never convinced myself that she loved me after two dates. Just that there was strong attraction and connection, and it looked like there was real potential. I can totally understand that, and yeah, it does suck ☹ I don’t know if it helps, but I guess the fact that she randomly flakes also shows that she’s not as good for you as initially seemed? Maybe it’s better you found out now than if she randomly decided the passion was too much three months into a relationship. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2010, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kind-of-sad/556481/38 "2010-10-10T00:45:07Z")
I think sometimes, with connections like this, what you feels is as much about the feeling itself as the other person. You can get caught up in a feeling, and it starts feeding on itself. You end up getting so wrapped up with the _idea_ of this connection that it takes on a life of it’s own that may not have much to do with the actual person involved. In the cold light of day, you can’t develop that strong of a connection in that short of time. You have soooo much ground to cover before you can get there. But that doesn’t mean you don’t _feel_ like you had that connection. It’s like watching a romantic movie. You can get completely swept up in the emotions of it, but that doesn’t mean you are actually connecting to the characters. All those feelings are coming from yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Mosier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ea924/32.png) [@Mosier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mosier)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2010, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kind-of-sad/556481/39 "2010-10-10T00:54:16Z")
“I’m really happy with you, which makes me realize I’m not ready to be happy yet. Sorry, see ya.” People are fucking retards. What the hell is wrong with everyone? This is the second story I’ve heard about with this theme in the past 24 hours. ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2010, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kind-of-sad/556481/40 "2010-10-10T01:31:22Z")
My theory is that some people tend to get a little set in their ways, and aren’t prepared to have (on one extreme) their routines disrupted, and/or (on the other end) their ego boundaries (et. al) threatened. In my anecdote that’s the vibe I got, both at the time and one year later when we had a sort of post-mortem discussion and this is what she basically admitted to me (at which point there’s no real reason for her to continue to lie to save my feelings or such). [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kind-of-sad/556481.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/kind-of-sad/556481.md?page=3)