# lack of sex **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 24, 2009, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lack-of-sex/507473 "2009-08-24T05:32:05Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lack-of-sex/507473/41 "2009-08-25T02:56:47Z")
> [@Mahna\_Mahna](#): > > If this is your theory, then all the OP really needs is a good hug - and possibly one or two of those lap dances you’ve prescribed. > > What we’re trying to warn him against is convincing himself that a night or two of hot buttered monkey sex is going to instantly cure him of his depression. Unless the OP figures out how to make himself happy without making it totally dependent on any one thing (be it sex, alcohol, drugs or whatever), he’s setting himself up for failure. > > Any woman in her right mind will tell you that being wanted is sexy… being needed is scary. There’s really no titty bar in the world that’s going to fix that. > > (This is, of course, assuming the OP is well and truly depressed in the clinical sense of the word. If he’s just cranky because he’s got a bad case of blue balls and is otherwise a perfectly happy person, he’s free to disregard my advice.) Hey, hugs are good!! 🙂 Your advice is good for someone looking for the love of their life but I don’t infer that from the OP. The act of NOT being able to get laid itself can be very depressing for us guys. It’s been my experience that when you try to explain this to a woman; they usually respond with the animus of: “Awe, poor wittle baby, can’t get laid. Cry me a fuck’n river.” The desire for us guys to want to get laid is no less legitimate than when you ladies whine because your tits aren’t big enough or your thighs are too fat. It’s not important that you understand the logic behind it but rather it’s a legitimate and very real feeling. ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lack-of-sex/507473/42 "2009-08-25T05:02:59Z")
ok again thx for the responses its nice to see that people care even if it is over the internet. Anyways, ill try and explain a little better. See I think I’m looking more for a relationship than just casual sex, not that I’m opposed to that though. I can prove it cause a little bit ago a girl at work was asking me to hang out and I’m sure I could have got laid there, but I declined because I just didn’t find her attractive enough. But, I think the thing is I’m comfortable around her and more myself than I am around girls I think are attractive. In fact, it’s like night and day. Around her I’m friendly, outgoing, and fun. Around attractive girls I’m shy, nervous and downright ackward. Maybe I overemphathized the depression part a bit, because I dont think the problem is exactly with me. I think I’m pretty sweet and could rock quite a few girls worlds. But I just can’t seem to get over my anxiousness, obsessiveness, whatever you wanna call it around attractive women and a lot of it I think is due to not getting any. I know this sounds confusing but lets just go with I’m not really all that depressed, i just get nervous around attractive women cause i want them so bad. I know theres more to life like friends, family, a career, but late at night I want to be able to look forward to something to come home too. Again, I dont expect anyone to give me the perfect answer, but I do appreciate your responses. And I dunno about strippers and hookers. Just seems like a cheap thrill thats not actually all that cheap. The non-masturbating point for me is mostly about discipline. I’m tired of going out and not getting any only to gratify myself later. If I’m going to be gratified it’s going to have to be by a girl. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 5:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lack-of-sex/507473/43 "2009-08-25T05:54:04Z")
> [@Mahna\_Mahna](#): > > The thing is, sex isn’t a magical cure-all. I can guarantee that even if you did get laid tomorrow, you’d wake up the next day and find out there’s still something missing from your life… Absolutely wrong. That would take at least a week, two with enthusiastic blowjobs. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 6:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lack-of-sex/507473/44 "2009-08-25T06:19:45Z")
Relationships come from being able to connect with someone and building from there. If you tried hanging out with the girl from work and getting to know her as a person and as a friend from the great base you already have - you feel comfortable, witty and relaxed around her - then you just might find your friendship turning into love, and love makes people more attractive. You may realise that, while she’ll never be a supermodel, that she’s quite sexy and beautiful _to you_ and that’s what matters. And even if love doesn’t blossom… would it be so terrible to establish a great friendship with her? However, if you devote yourself to finding a hot girlfriend and then present yourself as you’ve been doing - no conversation, no personality, no confidence - then you are always going to be alone. The message you’re sending when you turn to jelly around them is “You’re better than me and I don’t deserve you”… you can’t fault them if they believe you. > [@](#): > > i just get nervous around attractive women cause i want them so bad. > > If I’m going to be gratified it’s going to have to be by a girl. These things sound really, really off . You’d be doing yourself a big favour if you never said them again, and rethought the thought processes behind them. > [@](#): > > See I think I’m looking more for a relationship than just casual sex No, you’re not. If you were, you’d be more interested in seeing where things go with the girl you get along with so well, and not lusting after women who you think are attractive but who you otherwise don’t know a thing about. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lack-of-sex/507473/45 "2009-08-25T20:03:42Z")
> [@Winston\_Smith](#): > > Dude! You’re not gonna go out there with a loaded gun, are you??? Possibly the most painfully stupid scene of any movie I’ve ever seen. ---
**Author:** ![hotflungwok](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/edb3f5/32.png) [@hotflungwok](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hotflungwok)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lack-of-sex/507473/46 "2009-08-25T21:14:44Z")
I haven’t had sex in almost 5 years, and the infinitesimal chance I might have dwindles every day. I get my RDA of human physical contact when I get my hair cut every month. I’ve pretty much given up. I’d like to say it’s made it easier, but it hasn’t. It’s like being at a buffet & you’re starving, but you can’t have anything, all you can do is watch other people eat. I realized that while what I would like is sex, what I really want is for someone else to want to have sex with me. I have no illusions about the chances of that, though. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [August 25, 2009, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lack-of-sex/507473/47 "2009-08-25T21:17:12Z")
Alright. Who’ll volunteer to have sex with the horny people? ---
**Author:** ![hotflungwok](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/edb3f5/32.png) [@hotflungwok](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hotflungwok)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2009, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lack-of-sex/507473/48 "2009-08-26T00:05:13Z")
> [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](#): > > Alright. Who’ll volunteer to have sex with the horny people? Um, no one, that’s why they’re horny. ---
**Author:** ![Cliffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/59ef9b/32.png) [@Cliffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cliffy)\ **Post date:** [August 26, 2009, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lack-of-sex/507473/49 "2009-08-26T01:18:07Z")
Are you under the care of a licensed therapist or psychiatrist? You should be. Depression is a real illness with a chemical component, and it can be treated just like asthma or diabetes – like them, it can’t be “cured,” but with an appropriate regimen of behavior, coping strategies, and possibly medication, your life can be completely different (and much, MUCH better) that when you leave it untreated. Don’t dick around with this. Get help. If you have health insurance, it almost certainly covers this. Also, quit obsessing about “hot girls.” If you’re not a complete douchebag about people’s looks, you can find yourself attracted to all sorts of women once you get to know them, because you’ll find them funny or charming or supportive. You’re no Adonis either, y’know? I know that because the really hot dudes have to beat 'em off with a stick. Moreover, if your problem is really that you haven’t gotten laid, well, supermodel vagina feels about the same as everybody else’s. As for the masturbation thing – it might be that you’re fooling yourself. Maybe you’re really doing it for the reasons you say, or maybe you’re just losing your sex drive because of your depression. And again, you need to see a doctor. –Cliffy [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lack-of-sex/507473.md?page=2)