# Ladies, are you confident you would know if your man was cheating? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 31, 2011, 10:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-are-you-confident-you-would-know-if-your-man-was-cheating/590914 "2011-07-31T10:36:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Kalypso](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/df705f/32.png) [@Kalypso](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalypso)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-are-you-confident-you-would-know-if-your-man-was-cheating/590914/41 "2011-08-01T20:35:04Z")
I knew but I didn’t know, if that makes since. After being exclusive for two years with him, I started noticing little things that were off. He was a bachelor and lived alone. I noticed a ball under a chair, a piece of macaroni in his truck, lint, shed glitter, and a button, none of which went with anything he had. I know, that sounds stupid, but apparently I notice the _really_ little things. A set of wine glasses appeared in a cupboard. His communications patterns changed slightly. More than anything I felt like something was off. Once I even called him, in tears, telling him that I didn’t know what it was but something seemed really wrong. He assured me for months that everything was fine and not to worry before it all came to a head and he told me (on Valentines day, no less) he’d been sleeping with one of his employees, and moreover had decided to continue that relationship and was terminating ours. I’d like to think that in the future I’d realize what was going on more quickly, but when it’s your partner, the person you’re closer with than anyone, it’s hard to believe that they’d do something like that to you. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [August 1, 2011, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-are-you-confident-you-would-know-if-your-man-was-cheating/590914/42 "2011-08-01T23:28:38Z")
Yes, 100% sure that I would always know he’ll never cheat on me. Because I don’t indulge in monogamy any longer and only do open relationships, nobody can ever cheat on me again. It would be a logical impossibility. Not that I’m with anybody now, but hypothetically speaking, this is the plan. I’m not a jealous person, so I think a “don’t ask don’t tell, just don’t be an idiot and do use protection” policy would work out very well for me in the long term. BTW this does go both ways for anyone getting their hackles up. I will never be constrained to only one partner, ever again; nor will I constrain one partner to only me. I’d rather have exactly 0 partners than exactly 1. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-are-you-confident-you-would-know-if-your-man-was-cheating/590914/43 "2011-08-02T00:34:03Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > Yes, 100% sure that I would always know he’ll never cheat on me. Because I don’t indulge in monogamy any longer and only do open relationships, nobody can ever cheat on me again. It would be a logical impossibility. > > Not that I’m with anybody now, but hypothetically speaking, this is the plan. I’m not a jealous person, so I think a “don’t ask don’t tell, just don’t be an idiot and do use protection” policy would work out very well for me in the long term. > > BTW this does go both ways for anyone getting their hackles up. I will never be constrained to only one partner, ever again; nor will I constrain one partner to only me. I’d rather have exactly 0 partners than exactly 1. So, hypothetically speaking, if your partner didn’t ask, didn’t tell and\*\* didn’t\*\* use protection, would that be “cheating”? 'Cause it would be in this poly girl’s playbook. What about if he had sex with your sister? With his ex-wife? With your best friend? With a prostitute? When he’s blind drunk? On a night he was supposed to spend with you? How “open” is “open”? Most open relationships do have some boundaries - some people or situations which are off limits. Open relationships aren’t immune to cheating, the definitions are just slightly different. ---
**Author:** ![impatien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c89c15/32.png) [@impatien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/impatien)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-are-you-confident-you-would-know-if-your-man-was-cheating/590914/44 "2011-08-02T21:42:10Z")
I was cheated on, and I knew immediately. I actually bought a voice-activated tape recorder and positioned it under the seat in his vehicle just to prove it without a doubt. Sure enough. I consider myself very astute at reading people, and I knew it before anyone else just from a lot of little things someone else may have overlooked. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-are-you-confident-you-would-know-if-your-man-was-cheating/590914/45 "2011-08-02T22:00:49Z")
> [@Plumbkrazy](#): > > “He/she’s just a friend” is another near certainity that some form of infidelity is taking place. What are you supposed to say if you actually do have the unfortunate combination of a jealous spouse and a friend of the opposite sex? ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Edie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/50afbb/32.png) [@Little\_Edie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Edie)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-are-you-confident-you-would-know-if-your-man-was-cheating/590914/46 "2011-08-02T22:48:55Z")
We spend so much time together, he’d have to be really sneaky and probably stop working altogether. But I have been fooled in the past, not by men but by friends (for example, one was sleeping with our boss. It took me months to figure out that this man she kept referring to as “Joe” was really him). ---
**Author:** ![Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tastes_of_chocolate/32/3232_2.png) [@Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tastes_of_Chocolate)\ **Post date:** [August 2, 2011, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-are-you-confident-you-would-know-if-your-man-was-cheating/590914/47 "2011-08-02T23:14:31Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > Every woman thinks they would know if their man is cheating. And they are always stunned when they find out. Of course a lot of it depends on what sort of job he has. If he travels a lot or works long hours, it would be extremely easy for him to cheat. And unless he is actually as big a moron as you think he is, he won’t use his cell phone if he knows you check it. Did you read any of the other posts? The ones from women saying they wouldn’t have an idea? > [@Plumbkrazy](#): > > “He/she’s just a friend” is another near certainity that some form of infidelity is taking place. Baloney - So it’s really impossible to have a friendship with 1/2 the world’s population? Anyway - I think my SO is capable of hiding the existance of an affair from me. I just got a phone call this afternoon “Honey, I’m going to be home late tonight. I’ve got a dinner with a rep.” I’ve got no way to verify that he’s sitting in a restaurant with a sales rep, and not shagging the secretary. He’s a smart man, he could do it. I don’t believe he WOULD do it, but I think he could do it. ---
**Author:** ![Romeo\_and\_Whatsherface](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8797f3/32.png) [@Romeo\_and\_Whatsherface](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Romeo_and_Whatsherface)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2011, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-are-you-confident-you-would-know-if-your-man-was-cheating/590914/48 "2011-08-03T00:10:10Z")
> [@miamouse](#): > > I think YaraMateo meant that you would notice a different way of kissing or trying something in a slightly different manner that pinged your radar. I would think this would be most likely if he’s quite young or just not that clever. I also think it’s dangerous to assume you would absolutely know if he was cheating, though I can see it would be a comforting illusion. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2011, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-are-you-confident-you-would-know-if-your-man-was-cheating/590914/49 "2011-08-03T00:26:24Z")
My partner works from home and rarely leaves the house without me, and I’m currently on maternity leave, so some pretty major changes would have to happen first to even make it possible. My ex was cheating and was quite smug about fooling me. Thing is, I knew about his friendship with the girl, I even knew he was infatuated with her. The only reason I didn’t suspect an affair was because I trusted him and believed that he was honorable enough not to let it go that far. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2011, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-are-you-confident-you-would-know-if-your-man-was-cheating/590914/50 "2011-08-03T00:29:17Z")
> [@Cazzle](#): > > My ex was cheating and was quite smug about fooling me. Thing is, I knew about his friendship with the girl, I even knew he was infatuated with her. The only reason I didn’t suspect an affair was because I trusted him and believed that he was honorable enough not to let it go that far. Wow, awkward. What do you do if you know your partner is crushing on someone, even if they’re not acting on it? Being infatuated with someone else isn’t that uncommon when you’re in a long term relationship but what do you do about it…and what do you do when your partner likes someone else? It sounds painful. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2011, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-are-you-confident-you-would-know-if-your-man-was-cheating/590914/51 "2011-08-03T00:41:55Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > Wow, awkward. What do you do if you know your partner is crushing on someone, even if they’re not acting on it? Being infatuated with someone else isn’t that uncommon when you’re in a long term relationship but what do you do about it…and what do you do when your partner likes someone else? It sounds painful. -shrug- I wasn’t bothered by it. I believe that it is unrealistic to think either of you will never meet another person who you’ll feel attracted to, and that generally infatuations are no big deal because they will burn out in time. In my mind, there’s nothing wrong with harboring a brief infatuation, it’s how you act on it that counts. I thought the life we’d built together, the respect we had for each other, and the commitment we’d made to each other would be more important to him than his brief association with her. I could have interfered in their relationship and put a stop to it, but who wants to keep a partner by playing enforcer? If you love something, set it free and all that 🙂 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-are-you-confident-you-would-know-if-your-man-was-cheating/590914.md?page=2)