# Ladies help me understand. Do women in general like to be dominated by men or not? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 16, 2012, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-help-me-understand-do-women-in-general-like-to-be-dominated-by-men-or-not/622037 "2012-05-16T00:07:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Trinopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2bfe46/32.png) [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2012, 5:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-help-me-understand-do-women-in-general-like-to-be-dominated-by-men-or-not/622037/21 "2012-05-16T05:11:36Z")
> [@aruvqan](#): > > . . . Fumbling around looking for the hot spot is boring and a turn off. > [@panache45](#): > > There are just as many men who are into being dominated by women. Or other men. You can’t generalize about things like this. Some guys _like_ “fumbling around.” Some women also enjoy the role of “sex teacher.” Others prefer experienced partners. It seems to me these are also things that are way beyond any possibility of generalizing. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Cazale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/cab0a1/32.png) [@John\_Cazale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Cazale)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2012, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-help-me-understand-do-women-in-general-like-to-be-dominated-by-men-or-not/622037/22 "2012-05-16T05:40:02Z")
> [@Trinopus](#): > > Some guys _like_ “fumbling around.” With some women you can even ramble, mumble, or tumble. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2012, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-help-me-understand-do-women-in-general-like-to-be-dominated-by-men-or-not/622037/23 "2012-05-16T05:47:43Z")
This reminds me of the old joke > [@](#): > > An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician were on a train heading north, and had just crossed the border into Scotland. > > The engineer looked out of the window and said “Look! Scottish sheep are black!” > The physicist said, “No, no. Some Scottish sheep are black.” > The mathematician looked irritated. “There is at least one field, containing at least one sheep, of which at least one side is black.” ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Gnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miss_gnomer/32/3466_2.png) [@Miss\_Gnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Gnomer)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2012, 10:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-help-me-understand-do-women-in-general-like-to-be-dominated-by-men-or-not/622037/24 "2012-05-16T10:19:13Z")
I think there is a fair prevalence amongst both sexes of the wish for someone else to take responsibility and the desire to be taken care of. Some men are seeking out a mother figure - similar desire to some women seeking a strong male father figure? If you read any amount of trashy romance books aimed at women you’ll find many dominant male characters - some women might dream of these but reality is that most would divorce them! ---
**Author:** ![Antigen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/848f3c/32.png) [@Antigen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antigen)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2012, 10:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-help-me-understand-do-women-in-general-like-to-be-dominated-by-men-or-not/622037/25 "2012-05-16T10:59:17Z")
> [@Beware\_of\_Doug](#): > > Because a broad spectrum of women apparently find it satisfying, or exciting, or comforting _simply to know that a man is capable of dominance._ (Yes, I repeat myself.) I think you have a point. Hard to pin down exactly, but I agree that it’s appealing at a certain level to know that my man is strong enough to dominate me and _chooses not to_. That said, I don’t buy into the fantasy and I haven’t read those books (nor do I plan to). I can see why many women would, though. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2012, 11:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-help-me-understand-do-women-in-general-like-to-be-dominated-by-men-or-not/622037/26 "2012-05-16T11:21:00Z")
I am not at all interested in Twilight, but I enjoy a good domination fantasy. It really doesn’t touch any other area of my life. I have a meaningful egalitarian relationship with a very gentle man, and I have been madly in love with him for ten years. The fantasy for me comes from two places. One, I find masculinity very attractive. It’s a primal thing, has nothing to do with reason. Two, it is about trust. You would only cede that power to someone you trust unconditionally. The fact that these scenarios populate my fantasies really has nothing to do with what I desire in real life. Generally, men who behave the way they do in my stories are a huge turnoff to me, because I don’t want my entire life to be dominated, and outside of fantasy this kind of behavior affects more than just the bedroom. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2012, 11:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-help-me-understand-do-women-in-general-like-to-be-dominated-by-men-or-not/622037/27 "2012-05-16T11:21:00Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > The question is why would huge numbers of females like to see or read about male domination over female characters after decades of feminist crusades? This is strictly my opinion: For most of the time there have been human beings, women who choose strong mates tended to leave more children. This means there is a selection pressure for women to choose strong, dominant mates that probably does have an impact even today. Of course, that does _not_ mean women want to be slapped around, beaten, controlled, etc. in real life, but since there is an over lap between “strong, dominant male” and “male strong and aggressive enough to bully others and beat people up”, in both fantasy and real life women can wind up finding something non-logically attractive in assholes. When dealing with fantasy, it’s a lot easier to overlook the downsides of the domineering asshole than when it’s reality. ETA: Of course, there are woman who have absolutely zero interest in _Twilight_ or _Fifty Shades of Gray_. I number among them. Women vary widely in their tastes and as always one should be cautious when generalizing. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2012, 11:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-help-me-understand-do-women-in-general-like-to-be-dominated-by-men-or-not/622037/28 "2012-05-16T11:40:06Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > The recent success of “The Hunger Games” means that women want to go on reality TV and kill other people. Well, sure. We already knew _that_. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Waxwinged](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c2a13f/32.png) [@Waxwinged](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waxwinged)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2012, 11:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-help-me-understand-do-women-in-general-like-to-be-dominated-by-men-or-not/622037/29 "2012-05-16T11:50:27Z")
> [@Beware\_of\_Doug](#): > > Because a broad spectrum of women apparently find it satisfying, or exciting, or comforting _simply to know that a man is capable of dominance._ (Yes, I repeat myself.) Pretty much, that. ---
**Author:** ![Mijin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mijin/32/9369_2.png) [@Mijin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mijin)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2012, 12:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-help-me-understand-do-women-in-general-like-to-be-dominated-by-men-or-not/622037/30 "2012-05-16T12:11:10Z")
Even if all women were alike, you would not necessarily get an accurate picture from asking the question. Many of us, of both genders, hate people who are/do X, and yet are drawn to such people, for some X. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2012, 12:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-help-me-understand-do-women-in-general-like-to-be-dominated-by-men-or-not/622037/31 "2012-05-16T12:12:41Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > The recent success of “The Hunger Games” means that women want to go on reality TV and kill other people. The massive success of “Titanic” (over $2 billion box office!) means that women don’t want domineering, rich suitors after all - they want a poor guy who’ll romance them, then die horribly in front of them. It also means women think massive disasters and loss of life are totally worth it if you can put a love triangle in there. (c.f. the film “Pearl Harbor”) ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2012, 12:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-help-me-understand-do-women-in-general-like-to-be-dominated-by-men-or-not/622037/32 "2012-05-16T12:19:50Z")
It’s kind of like my relationship with my SO. She is attracted to me because I am confident, brash, decisive, even a bit arrogant at times. She wants me to take charge in all situations. Until she doesn’t. Then she will sit on me and pout until she gets her way. > [@jsgoddess](#): > > The recent success of “The Hunger Games” means that women want to go on reality TV and kill other people. Uh…Have you actually WATCHED reality tv? 🙂 Or that something about a strong female protagonist struggling against a corrupt, unjust and unfair system strikes a chord with a lot of women. > [@jsgoddess](#): > > The recent success of “The Avengers” means that people want there to be an alien invasion and hope to turn into giant green people when they get angry. Well…yes. > [@jsgoddess](#): > > The recent success of iPads means that people want to be expensive and to be made in China by oppressed workers who kill themselves. Or that people don’t care about being part of a corrupt, unjust and unfair system so long as it produces cool gadgets for them to play with. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2012, 12:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-help-me-understand-do-women-in-general-like-to-be-dominated-by-men-or-not/622037/33 "2012-05-16T12:24:04Z")
> [@Beware\_of\_Doug](#): > > I am a bitter longtime bachelor, so take my words with a grain of salt. But it’s my conviction that the average socially-well-adjusted woman doesn’t so much crave being dominated by a man as knowing that a man is _capable_ of dominating _somebody_. And that he will never, ever, try to do it to her. Knowing that my man is stronger than me? Well, if he isn’t he’s seriously sick: knowing he’s stronger than me is good. Having him demonstrate his strength by grabbing me around? No, definitely not good. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2012, 12:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-help-me-understand-do-women-in-general-like-to-be-dominated-by-men-or-not/622037/34 "2012-05-16T12:35:41Z")
> [@Ferret\_Herder](#): > > The massive success of “Titanic” (over $2 billion box office!) means that women don’t want domineering, rich suitors after all - they want a poor guy who’ll romance them, then die horribly in front of them. It also means women think massive disasters and loss of life are totally worth it if you can put a love triangle in there. (c.f. the film “Pearl Harbor”) Actually, while Cal had a domineering (IOW douchey) personality, he was mostly ambivalent towards Rose. If you look at the relationship between Rose and Jack, she tended to be more passive and he was more assertive. Jack talked her off of jumping off the ship (begging the question of how long she would have waited on the railing for someone to tell her to cut the shit). Jack was her guide in touring the bowels of the steerage class. Jack gave her the pep talk before using the ax to cut the handcuffs. Jack was the one dragging her around the ship while it was sinking. “Domineering” is perhaps not the correct word. But the relationship between Jack and Rose is very much one of “I want a charming, handsome man to take me around, show me a good time and help me get my shit together.” And best of all, once the fun is over and Rose has her life together (as together as it can be floating on a steamer trunk in the North Atlantic), he quietly sinks out of the picture! ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2012, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-help-me-understand-do-women-in-general-like-to-be-dominated-by-men-or-not/622037/35 "2012-05-16T12:39:51Z")
OK, if we go by books which popular among the same target age in Japan, then the question is why are women in general like young gay love stories? What primal female desire is driving these? Oh, wait. Acceptance by US culture means that it’s innate, the Japanese are just weird. Carry on. ---
**Author:** ![Jack\_Batty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jack_batty/32/3201_2.png) [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2012, 12:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-help-me-understand-do-women-in-general-like-to-be-dominated-by-men-or-not/622037/36 "2012-05-16T12:49:17Z")
In my experience, the thing that women want most from their man is a sense of security. They like to feel safe, protected, secure. And then men interpret that as them wanting to be dominated. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2012, 12:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-help-me-understand-do-women-in-general-like-to-be-dominated-by-men-or-not/622037/37 "2012-05-16T12:58:32Z")
> [@TokyoPlayer](#): > > OK, if we go by books which popular among the same target age in Japan, then the question is why are women in general like young gay love stories? Gay men are perceived as safe? They won’t turn their sexual attentions towards women in an unwanted manner? As portrayed the gay men are sensitive and in touch with their feelings? Or maybe it’s just a fad. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2012, 1:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-help-me-understand-do-women-in-general-like-to-be-dominated-by-men-or-not/622037/38 "2012-05-16T13:06:38Z")
> [@Beware\_of\_Doug](#): > > I am a bitter longtime bachelor, so take my words with a grain of salt. But it’s my conviction that the average socially-well-adjusted woman doesn’t so much crave being dominated by a man as knowing that a man is _capable_ of dominating _somebody_. Anybody, man or woman, is more effective, productive, and self-actualized if s/he’s willing to step on a few people in life’s daily battles. More or less true. For a while I cut quite a swath thru the singles scene (that was a while ago), attended wild parties, etc. About 1 woman in three wanted to give it a try, about one woman in 10 was really into it. Now here I am talking bedroom sex-play, mind you, nothing more serious than leather, a little tying up, some role-playing ("On your knees!) and maybe spanking. No whips, chains, etc. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2012, 1:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-help-me-understand-do-women-in-general-like-to-be-dominated-by-men-or-not/622037/39 "2012-05-16T13:13:41Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > And best of all, once the fun is over and Rose has her life together (as together as it can be floating on a steamer trunk in the North Atlantic), **he quietly sinks out of the picture!** (Bolding mine: Pun intended? 🙂 ) The ultimate romance: Show me a great time, then go the fuck away! The popularity of Romeo and Juliet means women like violent action films with insane shit done in the name of barely-pubescent infatuation and lust. A 17(?)-year old guy meets a 13-year old girl, and in the course of a few days, gang tensions between the families get worse, a friar digs them into an even deeper hole with his “faking your own death” plot (yeah, no chance of that going wrong unless we get some impulsive people involved… oops), and five people (including the lovers) are dead as a result of a couple hormonal teens. ---
**Author:** ![moi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@moi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moi)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2012, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-help-me-understand-do-women-in-general-like-to-be-dominated-by-men-or-not/622037/40 "2012-05-16T14:20:35Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > The question is why would huge numbers of females like to see or read about male domination over female characters after decades of feminist crusades? I can’t speak about the feminism that other women were crusading for, but I was after the ability to choose for myself and be treated equally. That means some women will choose to be not have professional careers. And some will choose not to have children. And some will choose to be tied up and dominated by their lovers. None of these things refute feminism or require paternalistic hand wringing about where feminism went wrong, IMHO. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-help-me-understand-do-women-in-general-like-to-be-dominated-by-men-or-not/622037.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-help-me-understand-do-women-in-general-like-to-be-dominated-by-men-or-not/622037.md?page=3)