# Ladies, how do you feel when you catch a man looking at you? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 22, 2016, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-feel-when-you-catch-a-man-looking-at-you/758055 "2016-06-22T16:13:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Scribble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scribble/32/3317_2.png) [@Scribble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scribble)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2016, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-feel-when-you-catch-a-man-looking-at-you/758055/101 "2016-06-26T19:07:25Z")
It’s been years and years since any man has found me even remotely attractive. If a man looked at me for a little longer than usual, I’d assume he wanted something (something non-sexual) from me. Maybe he’s going to ask me for money, my signature on a petition, my attention while he tries to convert me, or whatever. All of those things are much easier to ask for, once you’ve roped someone into making eye contact with you. And unattractive people who don’t usually get positive attention are probably easy marks. ---
**Author:** ![Scribble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scribble/32/3317_2.png) [@Scribble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scribble)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2016, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-feel-when-you-catch-a-man-looking-at-you/758055/102 "2016-06-26T19:14:36Z")
> [@Scribble](#): > > It’s been years and years since any man has found me even remotely attractive. > > If a man looked at me for a little longer than usual, I’d assume he wanted something (something non-sexual) from me. Maybe he’s going to ask me for money, my signature on a petition, my attention while he tries to convert me, or whatever. > > All of those things are much easier to ask for, once you’ve roped someone into making eye contact with you. And unattractive people who don’t usually get positive attention are probably easy marks. There’s another possibility, too. Maybe he thinks he knows me, or I remind him of someone he knows and would like to talk with. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2016, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-feel-when-you-catch-a-man-looking-at-you/758055/103 "2016-06-26T19:17:21Z")
> [@Senegoid](#): > > This is why no male can ever dare to do so much as say “Hi” to a female. Is that the world you want? Yes, Freedom from harassment is the world I would love to live in. If the only way to accomplish this is sexual segregation (and unfortunately that’s what frequent exposure to men has lately been leading me to believe is the only solution) I prefer that to the daily stress of having to worry about being attacked. ---
**Author:** ![Corry\_El](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecae2f/32.png) [@Corry\_El](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Corry_El)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2016, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-feel-when-you-catch-a-man-looking-at-you/758055/104 "2016-06-26T20:03:31Z")
A straight guy here. A lot of the answers, most, have strayed from the OP scenario in what seem to me important ways. I took it as ‘non leering, non stare down, non talking, but a bit prolonged look from somebody you don’t know on the street’. That’s different from somebody who visibly ‘checks you out’ every time at the gym, work, book club etc. Not to mention comments. There can be acceptable comments in this vein, depending the man, the woman and the comment. But that’s a different ballgame. Everyone is entitled to their opinion but I see the ones like ‘indifferent to mildly positive’ with caveats like ‘if not my dad’s age’ etc. as reasonable. I don’t think ‘always creeps me out’ is reasonable, but it’s a free country. Personally I’m discreet checking women out on the street and it’s not common they ‘catch’ me. Age is a factor, I assume younger women are not be as likely to enjoy this attention from me now that I’m older and I’m more discreet now. But if some men automatically like the look of attractive young women less as they age, I’m not one of them. Again w/ people I see all the time it’s different, I make a point of not getting ‘caught’ checking out women I see routinely at the gym for example. And of course it’s also different on the street where the women could reasonably feel threatened (it’s dark and desolate, etc.) Then I’d keep even my eyes to myself. I never make comments about the appearance of strangers. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2016, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-feel-when-you-catch-a-man-looking-at-you/758055/105 "2016-06-26T20:38:06Z")
> [@Scribble](#): > > And unattractive people who don’t usually get positive attention are probably easy marks. Not really. Sometimes a healthy scar or two teaches you to look at situations with an honest and appraising eye. Genuine begets genuine just as the other end of the spectrum begets the other end of the spectrum. You’ll know a scum-bag when you see one, no matter what gender they are. ---
**Author:** ![beowulff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beowulff/32/542_2.png) [@beowulff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beowulff)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2016, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-feel-when-you-catch-a-man-looking-at-you/758055/106 "2016-06-26T20:40:18Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Yes, Freedom from harassment is the world I would love to live in. If the only way to accomplish this is sexual segregation (and unfortunately that’s what frequent exposure to men has lately been leading me to believe is the only solution) I prefer that to the daily stress of having to worry about being attacked. Wow. Zealot indeed. ---
**Author:** ![Senegoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senegoid/32/6606_2.png) [@Senegoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Senegoid)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2016, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-feel-when-you-catch-a-man-looking-at-you/758055/107 "2016-06-26T22:13:23Z")
Didn’t I myself suggest “sexual apartheid” a while back in one of these threads, explicitly in response to one of **ZPG Zealot** ’s posts, only to get flamed by **Jimmy Chitwood** (ETA: and maybe others; I forget already) for it? – Even as he simultaneously acknowledged that **Z** is over-the-top herself? OTOH, her suggestion of using a match-maker culture in one of these threads may really have some merit to it. ---
**Author:** ![Senegoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senegoid/32/6606_2.png) [@Senegoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Senegoid)\ **Post date:** [June 26, 2016, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-feel-when-you-catch-a-man-looking-at-you/758055/108 "2016-06-26T22:23:47Z")
> [@Scribble](#): > > It’s been years and years since any man has found me even remotely attractive. > > If a man looked at me for a little longer than usual, I’d assume he wanted something (something non-sexual) from me. Maybe he’s going to ask me for money, my signature on a petition, my attention while he tries to convert me, or whatever. > > All of those things are much easier to ask for, once you’ve roped someone into making eye contact with you. And unattractive people who don’t usually get positive attention are probably easy marks. Then let me ask this: If some male ever expressed any romantic or sexual interest in you, would you immediately suppose that it only reveals how _desperate_ he is? Would you reject any such male’s advances, thinking that you wouldn’t want any male who wanted you? If you met one of the lonely bitter males we see so often in these kind of threads, would you give him the time of day? Do you suppose there might be a surviving vestige of nice guy in there under the layers of scar tissue? Would you take the time to look? Would you consider that “lowering you standards”? ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2016, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-feel-when-you-catch-a-man-looking-at-you/758055/109 "2016-06-27T01:51:28Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Yes, Freedom from harassment is the world I would love to live in. If the only way to accomplish this is sexual segregation (and unfortunately that’s what frequent exposure to men has lately been leading me to believe is the only solution) I prefer that to the daily stress of having to worry about being attacked. \*Where \*do you live? :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2016, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-feel-when-you-catch-a-man-looking-at-you/758055/110 "2016-06-27T02:10:48Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > Yes, Freedom from harassment is the world I would love to live in. If the only way to accomplish this is sexual segregation (and unfortunately that’s what frequent exposure to men has lately been leading me to believe is the only solution) I prefer that to the daily stress of having to worry about being attacked. This is so over-the-top I can only conclude that you are funnin’ with us. Unless you make your home in Testosterone Falls, New Hampshire. I’m in NYC, home of all those “Girl Harrassed on Street” videos, and I know absolutely ZERO women who would say something like that. And I work with a range from wallflowers to strident feminists, shrinking violets to bull daggers. ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2016, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-feel-when-you-catch-a-man-looking-at-you/758055/111 "2016-06-27T02:12:39Z")
I mean, even the radical lesbians I know like to have men around, to open their pickle jars. ---
**Author:** ![Melbourne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5e925/32.png) [@Melbourne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Melbourne)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2016, 7:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-feel-when-you-catch-a-man-looking-at-you/758055/112 "2016-06-27T07:57:21Z")
I am a guy, and older, and I never looked at women when I was young. But I watch people more now that I am older. And frequently I will see a young women tighten her arms (close up a little bit) after passing by me. From this, I take two messages. 1. If she had caught me looking at her, she would not have been pleased. 2. She still thinks I’m young enough to be a creepy older man. I take my comfort from the second message. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2016, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-feel-when-you-catch-a-man-looking-at-you/758055/113 "2016-06-27T12:59:09Z")
When I was younger and hotter and less secure in myself, I found that sort of attention threatening. Now that I am older and fatter and more comfortable in my own skin, and now that it rarely happens, I’d be flattered by a look, so long as it was clearly not threatening. > [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > If homely was enough to save a women from being harassed and attacked, a lot of women (including me) would be signing up for plastic surgery to make them ugly. The problem is the men. Too many of them cannot understand the concept that a woman alone is not abandoned property to be seized. I have to disagree. Back when I attracted that sort of attention, I choose to dress in baggy, unrevealing, and not-sexy clothing most of the time. Think mom jeans and a baggy t-shirt. Between that and avoiding eye contact with strange men, I avoided most random harassment. I can probably count on one hand the actual harassing incidents I encountered. And it didn’t take plastic surgery. And it’s nice to have the choice to be attractive at times. > [@Senegoid](#): > > …This is why no male can ever dare to do so much as say “Hi” to a female. Is that the world you want? Honestly, I like men. Most of my friends are men. And I’m fairly social, and happy to chat with random strangers at clubs, political rallies, churches, and other events I choose to go to with some expectation of taking to other people. But I’d really prefer that strangers on the street don’t say “hi” to me. That is at best interfering with my time/attention, and at worst threatening. If you want to meet random women, do it at places where you have some expectation they might be expecting to meet random men. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2016, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-feel-when-you-catch-a-man-looking-at-you/758055/114 "2016-06-27T13:05:33Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > \*Where \*do you live? :dubious: I’ve lived many places, currently stuck in Texas which unfortunately has been overrun by redneck culture. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2016, 1:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-feel-when-you-catch-a-man-looking-at-you/758055/115 "2016-06-27T13:08:04Z")
Oh, and guys should be aware that there is broad agreement as to who is most attractive. So you may go through your day and very rarely as a woman who makes you think “wow!”, But the woman who inspired you to think that has guys thinking that about her all day long, everywhere she goes. So even if you are pleasant and non-threatening, she may very well have recently encountered a guy who was neither of those, and be feeling a little touchy. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2016, 1:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-feel-when-you-catch-a-man-looking-at-you/758055/116 "2016-06-27T13:08:49Z")
> [@Ukulele\_Ike](#): > > This is so over-the-top I can only conclude that you are funnin’ with us. Unless you make your home in Testosterone Falls, New Hampshire. > > I’m in NYC, home of all those “Girl Harrassed on Street” videos, and I know absolutely ZERO women who would say something like that. And I work with a range from wallflowers to strident feminists, shrinking violets to bull daggers. It’s also possible many of the women you know are 1.) being polite rather that it is out of genuine desire to be polite or because of experience with male hostility over anything that threatens male privilege is debatable or 2.) simply need a little conscious-raising to realize they don’t have to be victims. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2016, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-feel-when-you-catch-a-man-looking-at-you/758055/117 "2016-06-27T13:27:46Z")
> [@Ukulele\_Ike](#): > > > [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > > > Yes, Freedom from harassment is the world I would love to live in. If the only way to accomplish this is sexual segregation (and unfortunately that’s what frequent exposure to men has lately been leading me to believe is the only solution) I prefer that to the daily stress of having to worry about being attacked. > > This is so over-the-top I can only conclude that you are funnin’ with us. Unless you make your home in Testosterone Falls, New Hampshire. > > I’m in NYC, home of all those “Girl Harrassed on Street” videos, and I know absolutely ZERO women who would say something like that. And I work with a range from wallflowers to strident feminists, shrinking violets to bull daggers. I’m a woman. I used to live in NYC. I agree that it’s over-the-top. I almost never worry about being attacked. Yes, it’s happened to me. But very rarely, and I am rarely in a situation where it seems at all likely. I would be extremely unhappy were I forced into a sexually-segregatated society. ---
**Author:** ![Corry\_El](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecae2f/32.png) [@Corry\_El](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Corry_El)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2016, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-feel-when-you-catch-a-man-looking-at-you/758055/118 "2016-06-27T14:31:07Z")
> [@puzzlegal](#): > > I have to disagree. Back when I attracted that sort of attention, I choose to dress in baggy, unrevealing, and not-sexy clothing most of the time. Think mom jeans and a baggy t-shirt. Between that and avoiding eye contact with strange men, I avoided most random harassment. I can probably count on one hand the actual harassing incidents I encountered. > > And it didn’t take plastic surgery. And it’s nice to have the choice to be attractive at times. This occurred to me when reading the original plastic surgery comment. Clearly some people here are arguing via hyperbole, if they don’t have a screw loose. But I was thinking what you just said. Let’s face it, casual girl watchers (not ‘predators’) are often looking at a women’s body. Plastic surgery isn’t limited to but tends to imply the person’s face (perhaps breast reduction would be another possibility but women with very large breasts aren’t the only ones guys would tend to look at). If a women wants to dress relatively unflatteringly wrt her body that’s easy to do, and instantly reversible. Some women may routinely do that, many do in some particular situations. But women getting the most looks on the street are typically not choosing to do that. In today’s crazy society it may be necessary to add what should be an unnecessary disclaimer: dressing attractively in no way legally or morally excuses criminal behavior like unwanted sexual touching. It does not morally excuse any kind of non criminal harassment like invading a person’s space or making lewd comments. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2016, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-feel-when-you-catch-a-man-looking-at-you/758055/119 "2016-06-27T14:57:59Z")
One of the things that annoy me all the time about threads like these is that women are assumed to be some sort of monolithic entity. That if **dangerosa** over there likes something, then clearly I must too, because she liked it, and she’s a girl, right? No! We all have our own opinions at the end of the day! I want to kick people who say “I just don’t understand women”. We’re human beings, what’s not to understand??? Did you ever try? I’m not some alien life form, I’m a person just like you. All this being said, I like men. A lot. I’m married, I’d better like them. I don’t want to live in a sexually segregated society. I don’t mind when men look at me, I don’t even mind when they strike up a conversation or compliment me. I like women, too. Same thing…it’s just a small percentage of people that make us nervous. But that glance of attraction? You men know there’s a difference between “Wow, she’s hot!” and “I am currently undressing her with my eyes.” ---
**Author:** ![raventhief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/raventhief/32/4_2.png) [@raventhief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raventhief)\ **Post date:** [June 27, 2016, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-feel-when-you-catch-a-man-looking-at-you/758055/120 "2016-06-27T14:59:09Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > It’s also possible many of the women you know are 1.) being polite rather that it is out of genuine desire to be polite or because of experience with male hostility over anything that threatens male privilege is debatable or 2.) simply need a little conscious-raising to realize they don’t have to be victims. I’m a woman, and i don’t know a single woman who would genuinely, permanently want a sexually segregated society. i also don’t know any women who would consider surgery to make themselves look homely. Clothes and attitude go a long way toward that, if desired, and is reversible. it’s fun to be able to look good when it’s desired. And as puzzlegal said, most of my friends are men, too. Why would i want to have a society where i can’t be friends with guys? And no, that doesn’t mean i need “conscious - raising.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-feel-when-you-catch-a-man-looking-at-you/758055.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-feel-when-you-catch-a-man-looking-at-you/758055.md?page=7)