# Ladies, how do you make online dating suck less? :( **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 17, 2013, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-make-online-dating-suck-less/661151 "2013-06-17T01:07:36Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bb73d2/32.png) [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleeps_With_Butterflies)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-make-online-dating-suck-less/661151/61 "2013-06-19T00:24:52Z")
> [@meanoldlady](#): > > interestingly, one of the guys i’m going to message looks pretty cute and seems super smart, but not in a pretentious or forced i’m-going-to-shoehorn-my-nerdcred-into-every-aspect-of-my-profile way. He just comes off as a really smart guy with a great sense of humor, yet okc says no one has messaged him all week. :dubious: Either this system is broken, or the women using this site are… Oh god… The error of my ways and the enormity of how screwed this setup is becoming so clear! y he no have messages? ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-make-online-dating-suck-less/661151/62 "2013-06-19T01:15:14Z")
> [@Sleeps\_With\_Butterflies](#): > > y he no have messages? Ha! I wish I knew. And I get it’s stupid that I’m wondering why a guy hasn’t been messaged when I just admitted that I more or less never messaged anyone during my adventures into online dating, but still. Okay, so here’s the part where I’m completely honest about my approach, and if you have any observations about what a terrible person I am or the priorities adjustment that I need, please keep them to yourself because I don’t care. The first thing I look for is some basic level of attractiveness. No, you don’t have to hotter than July (lord knows I’m not), and it is true that personality makes up for a lot, but 1) it can’t make up for everything, and 2) there are just too many people on the site to try to suss out the perfect balance of looks vs. personality. So I’ve determined a basic level of attractiveness that’s fine by me, then move on. So what I’ve noticed is people’s profile photos tend to be their best ones, which is good marketing on their part, but is always annoying when I click through the photos and go “Never mind; he’s fat/not cute.” Again, if you think that sounds horrible, refer to the paragraph above and have some tea. So I looked through the rest of this one guy’s photos, no inconsistencies spotted, then thought "He must have some supremely retarded profile that goes on and on about how much he likes hockey or whatever [Editor’s Note: Shut up, hockey fans; I don’t care], is half empty, irritatingly cliched, or reveals that he’s married/“available.” Nope. His story seems to check out. What the eff? It’s kind of funny that human nature is skeptical of things (or people) that seem good, but have apparently not been utilized (need better wording for this), no less. This kind of leads me down a rabbit hole that I don’t feel like getting into right now (and am seriously resisting the urge to get into the 8 1/2 sub-topics that this goes into), but for now, I’ll just leave it as saying I find fascinating the types of people most/least messaged on online dating sites and the rationales behind them. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-make-online-dating-suck-less/661151/63 "2013-06-19T01:47:10Z")
[wrong thread] ---
**Author:** ![RaftPeople](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/6f9a4e/32.png) [@RaftPeople](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RaftPeople)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-make-online-dating-suck-less/661151/64 "2013-06-19T02:15:10Z")
**MOL** , I don’t know if this is good advice or not, but when I was on match a few years ago, I started sending off all kinds of messages just to stir things up and see what happened. Not “your cute, blah blah blah”, but things like this: “Although I don’t meet most of the criteria you have listed in your profile, I do have a few attributes I think you’ll like: 1 - A pulse 2 - US citizenship 3 - No felony arrests” I got lots of responses from this kind of crap. And now that I think about it, the person I’m with now had snappy/interesting messages back. It was kind of fun to forget about whether the person on the other end would think I’m a retard or not, just fire 'em off and see what happens. ---
**Author:** ![DummyGladHands](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/49beb7/32.png) [@DummyGladHands](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DummyGladHands)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-make-online-dating-suck-less/661151/65 "2013-06-19T02:30:09Z")
The good thing about the “thinking gin” in hand, of which I totally approve, is that you can just pick anyone that doesn’t look completely wrong or extrodinarily ugly, send them a quick note and turn off the computer. You’re not invested in any of them. In fact, if you can, don’t even go back to your mailbox for 2 or 3 days, until if you do get a reply, you so totally don’t care, you have to go back and see who the hell they are. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-make-online-dating-suck-less/661151/66 "2013-06-19T02:55:19Z")
> [@RaftPeople](#): > > **MOL** , I don’t know if this is good advice or not, but when I was on match a few years ago, I started sending off all kinds of messages just to stir things up and see what happened. Not “your cute, blah blah blah”, but things like this: > > “Although I don’t meet most of the criteria you have listed in your profile, I do have a few attributes I think you’ll like: > 1 - A pulse > 2 - US citizenship > 3 - No felony arrests” > I got lots of responses from this kind of crap. > > And now that I think about it, the person I’m with now had snappy/interesting messages back. > > It was kind of fun to forget about whether the person on the other end would think I’m a retard or not, just fire 'em off and see what happens. Dude, I don’t know about other people, but my brain is a traitorous bastard that will push aside what I have told it is a priority, and will override the administrator settings in order to prioritize sense of humor. If someone makes me laugh, even if they’re not right for me, my idiot brain places how much I enjoy their humor and company over how much I think they’ll rationally fit long term. And I get the idea that chemistry is more important than the fulfillment of robotic checklists, which is why butting in with humor can successfully… fuck, this is a different thread. More later. ---
**Author:** ![PookahMacPhellimey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pookahmacphellimey/32/3175_2.png) [@PookahMacPhellimey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PookahMacPhellimey)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 6:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-make-online-dating-suck-less/661151/67 "2013-06-19T06:53:07Z")
I think you’re doing it right. Or rather, you’re doing it like me. I’m not sure if that’s the same as right. I always looks at the photos first too and feel slightly guilty for doing so, but I don’t think we’re horrible people to look for basic attractiveness; we’re looking for dates not friends. And I also get suspicious if someone is decent looking and writes a good profile. What’s the catch? But I always tell myself, well, I am basically good looking and interesting and I’m on there and there’s no huge big catch. Not that I don’t have my faults but I’m not Psycho-date. So maybe they’re not, either. Or maybe they are, but we’ll find out soon enough. And then you’ll have a good funny story for the thread. Because we do want to hear everything, of course! ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 9:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-make-online-dating-suck-less/661151/68 "2013-06-19T09:07:50Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > So of course, it begins already, but I’m not even gonna be mad. I’m just going to ignore these messages, breathe in and breathe out, and go scout some guys on my own. Btw, I literally got a message just now that said “lol… your funny :)” No, this is not my characterization of dumb ass messages. I copy + pasted that. Why would you write that to someone? What is wrong, mentally, with someone who would do that? Sheesh, I hate it when people typo my name, too - it should’a been “mol… your funny :)” ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-make-online-dating-suck-less/661151/69 "2013-06-19T13:05:26Z")
Said this before whenever the topic of online dating sites comes up, and I’ll say it again: narrowcast. There’s dating sites for almost any hobby or interest out there, where the human being:knuckledragger ratio is much higher. A generic dating site is likely going have you asking for a lot of angst and toads. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-make-online-dating-suck-less/661151/70 "2013-06-19T15:53:05Z")
I should stop posting drunk. Anyway, I feel like I should share the extra stupid messages with yous guys. My personal favorite for the day is “wassup cutie u have nice smile.” What language is this? Whatever it is, I don’t speak it. My second favorite is the guy who rated me highly (who I also rated highly – woot!) who messaged me just to call me a hipster over and over again? What? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Inner\_Stickler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inner_stickler/32/318_2.png) [@Inner\_Stickler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inner_Stickler)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-make-online-dating-suck-less/661151/71 "2013-06-19T17:09:20Z")
Perhaps he hit the thinking gin too hard? ---
**Author:** ![The\_Surb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ce73a5/32.png) [@The\_Surb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Surb)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-make-online-dating-suck-less/661151/72 "2013-06-19T18:36:54Z")
> [@John\_DiFool](#): > > Said this before whenever the topic of online dating sites comes up, and I’ll say it again: narrowcast. There’s dating sites for almost any hobby or interest out there, where the human being:knuckledragger ratio is much higher. A generic dating site is likely going have you asking for a lot of angst and toads. Have you tried [Christian Mingle](http://www.christianmingle.com/)? I think you would make an impression there. ---
**Author:** ![RaftPeople](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/6f9a4e/32.png) [@RaftPeople](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RaftPeople)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-make-online-dating-suck-less/661151/73 "2013-06-19T20:29:16Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > I should stop posting drunk. > > Anyway, I feel like I should share the extra stupid messages with yous guys. My personal favorite for the day is “wassup cutie u have nice smile.” What language is this? Whatever it is, I don’t speak it. My second favorite is the guy who rated me highly (who I also rated highly – woot!) who messaged me just to call me a hipster over and over again? What? 😕 May I suggest we do a little online Cyrano de Bergerac? You forward messages to us - we create responses for you. We’re willing to do that for you because that’s the type of people we are. For example: “wassup cutie u have nice smile.” Response: “Your kind, but three hits of crack will give anyone a nice smile” ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2013, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-make-online-dating-suck-less/661151/74 "2013-06-19T23:30:18Z")
Holy balls, you guys! Mr. Grabass is showing up as a high match in my match search. Why does that bit of information make me so sad? ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2013, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-make-online-dating-suck-less/661151/75 "2013-06-20T00:05:45Z")
> [@The\_Surb](#): > > Have you tried [Christian Mingle](http://www.christianmingle.com/)? I think you would make an impression there. Maybe, except for the fact that I am not a Christian (posted at the risk of having been whooshed). Buddhist or Pagan sites, maybe-am a member of an outdoors-oriented one. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Surb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ce73a5/32.png) [@The\_Surb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Surb)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2013, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-make-online-dating-suck-less/661151/76 "2013-06-20T02:42:23Z")
> [@John\_DiFool](#): > > Maybe, except for the fact that I am not a Christian (posted at the risk of having been whooshed). > > Buddhist or Pagan sites, maybe-am a member of an outdoors-oriented one. Another attempt at humor down the shitter. Christian Mingle has irritating commercials where smarmy little fucks tell us how God chose their dates for them. I guess I forgot not everyone has seen these shitty commercials. So if you are inclined to meet smarmy little fucks that think God really gives a shit about who they date, now you know where to find them. ---
**Author:** ![Askance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/askance/32/8281_2.png) [@Askance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askance)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2013, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-make-online-dating-suck-less/661151/77 "2013-06-20T03:03:46Z")
Why not start a **Date MOL** thread right here? 95% of the filtering-out work is done. And lots of folks have pix in the Doper Gallery, or can add them if they want to meet you. I’ve seen your pic there, and between that and your posting style I know I’d be thrilled and honoured to step out with you by my side. If only I wasn’t half a world away, too old, and spoken for. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2013, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-make-online-dating-suck-less/661151/78 "2013-06-20T04:07:34Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > I should stop posting drunk. cough cough cough Not sure about POSTING…but if you can internet DATE sober you are a better man than me… PS I hear hipsters are an easy lay. Any truth to that? ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2013, 1:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-make-online-dating-suck-less/661151/79 "2013-06-20T13:41:19Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > PS I hear hipsters are an easy lay. Any truth to that? Ew. ---
**Author:** ![fjs1fs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9e8a1a/32.png) [@fjs1fs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fjs1fs)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2013, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-make-online-dating-suck-less/661151/80 "2013-06-20T14:32:10Z")
> [@MeanOldLady](#): > > Ha! I wish I knew. And I get it’s stupid that I’m wondering why a guy hasn’t been messaged when I just admitted that I more or less never messaged anyone during my adventures into online dating, but still. > > Okay, so here’s the part where I’m completely honest about my approach, and if you have any observations about what a terrible person I am or the priorities adjustment that I need, please keep them to yourself because I don’t care. The first thing I look for is some basic level of attractiveness. No, you don’t have to hotter than July (lord knows I’m not), and it is true that personality makes up for a lot, but 1) it can’t make up for everything, and 2) there are just too many people on the site to try to suss out the perfect balance of looks vs. personality. So I’ve determined a basic level of attractiveness that’s fine by me, then move on. > > So what I’ve noticed is people’s profile photos tend to be their best ones, which is good marketing on their part, but is always annoying when I click through the photos and go “Never mind; he’s fat/not cute.” Again, if you think that sounds horrible, refer to the paragraph above and have some tea. So I looked through the rest of this one guy’s photos, no inconsistencies spotted, then thought "He must have some supremely retarded profile that goes on and on about how much he likes hockey or whatever [Editor’s Note: Shut up, hockey fans; I don’t care], is half empty, irritatingly cliched, or reveals that he’s married/“available.” Nope. His story seems to check out. What the eff? > > It’s kind of funny that human nature is skeptical of things (or people) that seem good, but have apparently not been utilized (need better wording for this), no less. > > This kind of leads me down a rabbit hole that I don’t feel like getting into right now (and am seriously resisting the urge to get into the 8 1/2 sub-topics that this goes into), but for now, I’ll just leave it as saying I find fascinating the types of people most/least messaged on online dating sites and the rationales behind them. In my opinion, you’re spending waaaay too much time analyzing why he’s received whatever number of messages he’s received; just send him your message and continue looking through profiles until you find another one worthy of contacting, and so on. That’s what I do. I’ve met a decent # of decent women on both OKC and POF. My “hit ratio,” as in % of women who even respond, is probably in the 20% range–sometimes I dwell a little on someone who seems so perfect for me but fails to respond, but then I snap out of it and continue sending out messages; then I’ll get surprised by someone who seems way too amazing sending me a nice message and wanting to meet me. And BTW, my approach in judging profiles is very similar to yours–it starts with looks, and I don’t even read the ones who are too fat, too ugly, etc.. Humans are superficial creatures (to greater or lesser extents of course)–no apologies needed. Looks are not the “end all/be all,” but to some extent they are required to get someone into my consideration set. I think 90% of men and women would agree with this. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-make-online-dating-suck-less/661151.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-do-you-make-online-dating-suck-less/661151.md?page=5)