# Ladies: How offensive or hurtful is this? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 28, 2007, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-offensive-or-hurtful-is-this/413501 "2007-07-28T17:23:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Full\_Metal\_Lotus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/df705f/32.png) [@Full\_Metal\_Lotus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Full_Metal_Lotus)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2007, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-offensive-or-hurtful-is-this/413501/21 "2007-07-28T19:20:19Z")
Guy here… Well, all my gf’s expected honest communication, but I was smart enough to always time it, and phrase it accordingly… My wife fell in love with me when I said “You are not the hottest chick in the room… you are the most beautiful, however!” (NOT a pick up line, BTW… first and only time I said that to a woman, and I meant it). Regards FML ---
**Author:** ![delphica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9a140/32.png) [@delphica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/delphica)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2007, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-offensive-or-hurtful-is-this/413501/22 "2007-07-28T19:41:49Z")
_Probably_ A, but I most likely couldn’t resist getting a sarcastic comment in there, like “Oh geez, THANKS, because I’ve been really worried you were going to run off with a random coworker whom you’ve already said you didn’t like. Huge weight off my mind, no kidding. Now I don’t have to cry myself to sleep.” If my commentary further ruined the mood, so to speak, I’d point out that perhaps someone should have thought about that earlier on. ---
**Author:** ![gonzomax](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e8c25b/32.png) [@gonzomax](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gonzomax)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2007, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-offensive-or-hurtful-is-this/413501/23 "2007-07-28T20:42:02Z")
Part one’'Girl at work is hot (you said that) Part two-I would rather be with you You won victory is yours. Why so defensive. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2007, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-offensive-or-hurtful-is-this/413501/24 "2007-07-28T20:52:32Z")
[QUOTE=gonzomax] Part one’'Girl at work is hot (you said that) Part two-I would rather be with you You won victory is yours. **Why so defensive.** [/QUOTE] Honestly? Because people change their minds. I know of a few people who I once thought were “bitches” who (whom?) I’ve gotten to know better and now like and admire. (Several on this board, in fact.) So if I was the kind of girl prone to jealous insecurity, I might be thinking, “Oh, shit. Now I know for sure he finds her attractive. What if he changes his mind about her being a bitch and leaves me for her, or what if he’s just agreeing with me that she’s a bitch to be agreeable, and secretly he’s pining for her?” I can understand the thought process behind finding this sort of thing hurtful, but I think it’s one born out of the listener’s insecurities, and not at all what the speaker intended when he spoke. The older I get, the more I learn to listen to what people actually say, not what the voice in my head tells me they “must have meant”. I’m not always successful, of course, but I try. And yeah, sometimes people don’t say what they really mean, but at least then it’s their fault for not being honest, not mine for putting words into their mouths. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2007, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-offensive-or-hurtful-is-this/413501/25 "2007-07-28T20:52:41Z")
[QUOTE=gonzomax] Part one’'Girl at work is hot (you said that) Part two-I would rather be with you You won victory is yours. Why so defensive. [/QUOTE] Because while you’re having sex with me is NOT the time to comment favorably on another woman’s looks. Comment on MY looks- right now it’s all about me. Mmkay? ETA: For me, it’s the fact that he’d say it while we were having sex. Any other time, I’d take it as a compliment and smile. But if he said it during sex, I’d have to wonder why he was thinking of her at that time. ---
**Author:** ![I\_m\_Ron\_Burgundy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9fc29f/32.png) [@I\_m\_Ron\_Burgundy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_m_Ron_Burgundy)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2007, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-offensive-or-hurtful-is-this/413501/26 "2007-07-28T21:08:18Z")
[QUOTE=Alice The Goon] Because while you’re having sex with me is NOT the time to comment favorably on another woman’s looks. Comment on MY looks- right now it’s all about me. Mmkay? ETA: For me, it’s the fact that he’d say it while we were having sex. Any other time, I’d take it as a compliment and smile. But if he said it during sex, I’d have to wonder why he was thinking of her at that time. [/QUOTE] Yeah but he was “hammered.” Isn’t the whole point of getting drunk so you can say and do stupid shit and not be held responsible for it later? ---
**Author:** ![SkeptiJess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea666f/32.png) [@SkeptiJess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkeptiJess)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2007, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-offensive-or-hurtful-is-this/413501/27 "2007-07-28T21:21:03Z")
I’m with **fuffle** (and also **Dangerosa** ) in that I wouldn’t consider this to be a hurtful comment. Of course, the fact that it’s not hurtful, doesn’t mean it’s not also kind of dumb – so, like **fuffle** I’d tease him about it (good naturedly) as long as the relationship lasted. Once, right after sex, my husband said to me, “I can’t think of anything I’ve had as long as I’ve had you that I still enjoy so much.” Dumb? Yes. Kind of dehumanizing? Yes, it could be considered to be so. But I knew he meant it as a compliment, so I just laughed and hugged him. 17 years later, I still tease him about it and it’s become a very sweet private joke between us. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2007, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-offensive-or-hurtful-is-this/413501/28 "2007-07-28T21:27:46Z")
I’m kind of amazed that women actually get upset about stuff like this. I fail to see anything offensive about it. I’ve got news for you. All men want to bone other women. All men think about it. All men still want to bone that hot chick you both know, even if he agrees with you that she’s a bitch (if anything, that only makes her hotter. Liking the person has nothing to do with whether he wants to bone her). “boyfriend/hubby’s” only mistake in this scenario was that he drunkenly let slip what every single guy always thinks when he’s with his SO anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2007, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-offensive-or-hurtful-is-this/413501/29 "2007-07-28T21:31:40Z")
[QUOTE=Alice The Goon] Because while you’re having sex with me is NOT the time to comment favorably on another woman’s looks. Comment on MY looks- right now it’s all about me. Mmkay? ETA: For me, it’s the fact that he’d say it while we were having sex. Any other time, I’d take it as a compliment and smile. But if he said it during sex, I’d have to wonder why he was thinking of her at that time. [/QUOTE] This might come as a shock to you, but all men think about other women while they’re having sex with their SO’s. It doesn’t matter how much they love you. It’s just a physical necessity in order to function. There’s not guy on earth who can actually concentrate on thinking only about the person he’s boning. Trust me when I say you really don’t want to know what’s going on in a guy’s head during sex (the vilest porn scenarios imaginable), but don’t take it personally. It doesn’t mean they actually want anyone else or that they aren’t satisfied with you. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2007, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-offensive-or-hurtful-is-this/413501/30 "2007-07-28T21:38:04Z")
[QUOTE=Diogenes the Cynic] This might come as a shock to you, but all men think about other women while they’re having sex with their SO’s. It doesn’t matter how much they love you. It’s just a physical necessity in order to function. There’s not guy on earth who can actually concentrate on thinking only about the person he’s boning. Trust me when I say you really don’t want to know what’s going on in a guy’s head during sex (the vilest porn scenarios imaginable), but don’t take it personally. It doesn’t mean they actually want anyone else or that they aren’t satisfied with you. [/QUOTE] Fine, but he doesn’t have to tell me about it. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2007, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-offensive-or-hurtful-is-this/413501/31 "2007-07-28T21:40:28Z")
[QUOTE=Alice The Goon] Fine, but he doesn’t have to tell me about it. [/QUOTE] Well, he was drunk and I think intent should count for somthing. If there isn’t any intent to hurt feelings, then it’s best just to let it go. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2007, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-offensive-or-hurtful-is-this/413501/32 "2007-07-28T21:48:40Z")
[QUOTE=Diogenes the Cynic] This might come as a shock to you, but all men think about other women while they’re having sex with their SO’s. It doesn’t matter how much they love you. It’s just a physical necessity in order to function. There’s not guy on earth who can actually concentrate on thinking only about the person he’s boning. Trust me when I say you really don’t want to know what’s going on in a guy’s head during sex (the vilest porn scenarios imaginable), but don’t take it personally. It doesn’t mean they actually want anyone else or that they aren’t satisfied with you. [/QUOTE] Is that for all sex or just for sex with a long time partner? ---
**Author:** ![SlowMindThinking](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@SlowMindThinking](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SlowMindThinking)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2007, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-offensive-or-hurtful-is-this/413501/33 "2007-07-28T21:49:04Z")
[QUOTE=Diogenes the Cynic] This might come as a shock to you, but all men think about other women while they’re having sex with their SO’s. It doesn’t matter how much they love you. It’s just a physical necessity in order to function. There’s not guy on earth who can actually concentrate on thinking only about the person he’s boning. Trust me when I say you really don’t want to know what’s going on in a guy’s head during sex (the vilest porn scenarios imaginable), but don’t take it personally. It doesn’t mean they actually want anyone else or that they aren’t satisfied with you. [/QUOTE] No they don’t. ---
**Author:** ![Helen\_s\_Eidolon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/8edcca/32.png) [@Helen\_s\_Eidolon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helen_s_Eidolon)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2007, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-offensive-or-hurtful-is-this/413501/34 "2007-07-28T21:54:32Z")
The hurtful part of what you said (as you transcribed it) is the implication that you’re happy with her - EVEN THOUGH she isn’t hot. Maybe I wouldn’t flip out or anything, but I would definitely feel a sting at that comment. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2007, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-offensive-or-hurtful-is-this/413501/35 "2007-07-28T21:55:04Z")
[QUOTE=Zoggie] Is that for all sex or just for sex with a long time partner? [/QUOTE] The longer you’ve been with somebody, the more your mind tends to wander. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2007, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-offensive-or-hurtful-is-this/413501/36 "2007-07-28T21:56:12Z")
[QUOTE=SlowMindThinking] No they don’t. [/QUOTE] Yes they do. ---
**Author:** ![Full\_Metal\_Lotus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/df705f/32.png) [@Full\_Metal\_Lotus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Full_Metal_Lotus)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2007, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-offensive-or-hurtful-is-this/413501/37 "2007-07-28T21:57:05Z")
Ummm, just a comment, just saying, (Guy here) but if you are thinking about some other woman while making love to the one that loves you… isn’t it just unknowing full body masturbation assistance on her part,no matter how “good” you are? You definetely are NOT focused on your “lover”. just saying’ FML ---
**Author:** ![SlowMindThinking](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@SlowMindThinking](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SlowMindThinking)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2007, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-offensive-or-hurtful-is-this/413501/38 "2007-07-28T22:03:57Z")
[QUOTE=Diogenes the Cynic] Yes they do. [/QUOTE] I think the claim that “all men do” is refuted by one man who says he doesn’t. I don’t. As far as the length of the relationship, I can honestly claim that for the first 18 years of our relationship, never ever. When things were rocky, and she was unimaginatively going through the motions, sometimes I’d, um, make something up. When she’s happy to be there, I think only of her. But only once in what is pushing 25 years, have I ever thought of another, real live, breathing woman. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2007, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-offensive-or-hurtful-is-this/413501/39 "2007-07-28T22:04:04Z")
[QUOTE=Full Metal Lotus] Ummm, just a comment, just saying, (Guy here) but if you are thinking about some other woman while making love to the one that loves you… isn’t it just unknowing full body masturbation assistance on her part,no matter how “good” you are? You definetely are NOT focused on your “lover”. just saying’ [/QUOTE] It’s not like you don’t think at ALL about the person you’re with, it’s just not all that’s going through your head. I’m also not saying (and you should know this if you’re a guy), that it’s not liek you’re seriously, intensely imagining someone else in her place, it’s more like you’ve got a hodgepodge of pornographic images and scenarios going on upstairs that may or may not include people you actually know. It’s not that you want to be with someone else, it’s more like you’re using a mental file of visual aids. The _emotional_ connection to your real partner is still there. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2007, 10:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-offensive-or-hurtful-is-this/413501/40 "2007-07-28T22:06:21Z")
[QUOTE=SlowMindThinking] I think the claim that “all men do” is refuted by one man who says he doesn’t. I don’t. As far as the length of the relationship, I can honestly claim that for the first 18 years of our relationship, never ever. When things were rocky, and she was unimaginatively going through the motions, sometimes I’d, um, make something up. When she’s happy to be there, I think only of her. But only once in what is pushing 25 years, have I ever thought of another, real live, breathing woman. [/QUOTE] Yeah, right. You never, ever ever think about a single other sexual image or bit of erotic stimulus except your partner during sex. You’re either a saint or a liar. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-offensive-or-hurtful-is-this/413501.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-offensive-or-hurtful-is-this/413501.md?page=3)