# Ladies: "How to make a man happy, 2014 Edition" **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 22, 2014, 8:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-to-make-a-man-happy-2014-edition/688991 "2014-05-22T08:42:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Dr\_Doom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Dr\_Doom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Doom)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2014, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-to-make-a-man-happy-2014-edition/688991/21 "2014-05-22T17:44:44Z")
> [@MoonMoon](#): > > Not my job, man. Nice. And further: not possible. ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2014, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-to-make-a-man-happy-2014-edition/688991/22 "2014-05-22T17:49:05Z")
I leave them alone. They seem to like that. ---
**Author:** ![jimbuff314](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/c57346/32.png) [@jimbuff314](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jimbuff314)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2014, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-to-make-a-man-happy-2014-edition/688991/23 "2014-05-22T17:59:38Z")
What an incredibly obnoxious and presumptuous thread titling, OP. Got that off my chest. My SO is English, born of an English mother and an Irish emigre father. Raised in a different culture than I on the literal shores of the North Sea. It remains a source of amazement to me how much we have in common in food tastes, activities we enjoy, what we like to watch on television and in movies. The only source of much in the way of friction is her slight tendency to believe in woo. (I don’t know how many times I’ve heard “The Royal Family believes in homeopathy!”) Maybe it really is as Steve Martin said in _L A Story_ : > [@](#): > > There’s someone out there for everyone - even if you need a pickaxe, a compass, and night goggles to find them. ---
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2014, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-to-make-a-man-happy-2014-edition/688991/24 "2014-05-22T20:56:52Z")
How to please your man: 1. Buy a jar of pickles. 2. Insert one pickle carefully up your rectum. Put the other pickles in the fridge, but save the jar. 3. Invite your husband to have sex with you doggy style. As he enters you, play the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme on your smartphone. Begin loudly drinking from the jar of pickle juice. 4. When your man asks why your vagina feels different, begin extruding the pickle from your butt about two inches. 5. After your man has climaxed, eat the pickle. And that’s how you please your man. Bonus points if you strategically carved “Happy anniversary honey!” On the pickle ahead of time. ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2014, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-to-make-a-man-happy-2014-edition/688991/25 "2014-05-22T21:30:34Z")
What the fuck did I just read? ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2014, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-to-make-a-man-happy-2014-edition/688991/26 "2014-05-22T21:34:23Z")
> [@Sattua](#): > > Feed 'em and fuck 'em? > > It’s always worked for me. Exactly. 1. Show up naked. 2. Bring food. ---
**Author:** ![gallows\_fodder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8c91f0/32.png) [@gallows\_fodder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gallows_fodder)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2014, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-to-make-a-man-happy-2014-edition/688991/27 "2014-05-22T21:37:29Z")
Please, every issue of Cosmo going back like fifty years has had a headline badgering us women to learn how to please a man. We don’t need that shit here, too. How about: Step 1. Ask the guy. ---
**Author:** ![the\_diego](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@the\_diego](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/the_diego)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2014, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-to-make-a-man-happy-2014-edition/688991/28 "2014-05-22T23:51:31Z")
Ding! Ding! Excellent answers from the ladies (albeit too general.) Here’s a sample of specific things TO DO mentioned by men. 1. Come to my house naked 2. Bring food 3. Bring a hot female friend 4. Don’t tell your boyfriend/husband/housemate that you’re out with me 5. Re-model my bedroom 6. Re-paint my gate 7. Have my car re-painted and waxed * * * More from the gentlemen please. ---
**Author:** ![zoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zoid/32/336_2.png) [@zoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoid)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2014, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-to-make-a-man-happy-2014-edition/688991/29 "2014-05-23T00:42:03Z")
Be nice to me. Seriously. I didn’t sign up to be your punching bag. If you’re in a bad mood don’t take it out on me. It’s not my fault your sister is a bitch, work sucks, or your mother puts you down. If I help out don’t scream at me that I did it all wrong; the fucking dishwasher will not go critical and explode because I mixed with forks with the spoon in the basket. If you do this don’t act indignant when I’m reluctant to do thing I know I will only get yelled at for. Just be nice, it’s pretty simple. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2014, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-to-make-a-man-happy-2014-edition/688991/30 "2014-05-23T01:07:34Z")
Humans: “How to make a human happy, 2014 Edition” Respect. Affection. Humour. Boundaries. Compromise. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2014, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-to-make-a-man-happy-2014-edition/688991/31 "2014-05-23T01:29:07Z")
I’m pretty much over pickles. Thanks a fucking lot. ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2014, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-to-make-a-man-happy-2014-edition/688991/32 "2014-05-23T01:44:52Z")
Speaking as a man, I’ll take cash. ---
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2014, 2:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-to-make-a-man-happy-2014-edition/688991/33 "2014-05-23T02:46:35Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > I’m pretty much over pickles. Thanks a fucking lot. You could always have your SO use bananas instead. ---
**Author:** ![Manduck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/manduck/32/256_2.png) [@Manduck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Manduck)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2014, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-to-make-a-man-happy-2014-edition/688991/34 "2014-05-23T02:50:46Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > Humans: “How to make a human happy, 2014 Edition” > > Respect. > Affection. > Humour. > Boundaries. > Compromise. and blowjobs. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2014, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-to-make-a-man-happy-2014-edition/688991/35 "2014-05-23T03:40:01Z")
It’s a damned good thing I don’t like pickles in the first place. _puke_ ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2014, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-to-make-a-man-happy-2014-edition/688991/36 "2014-05-23T04:13:43Z")
There have been many obvious suggestions here, such as sex and sammiches, but I’d like to add, a happy woman is delightful to be around and so is a confident woman. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2014, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-to-make-a-man-happy-2014-edition/688991/37 "2014-05-23T05:03:18Z")
I’ve got it! Exercise Discipline Affection ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2014, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-to-make-a-man-happy-2014-edition/688991/38 "2014-05-23T05:13:52Z")
> [@Incubus](#): > > How to please your man: > > 1. Buy a jar of pickles. > > 2. Insert one pickle carefully up your rectum. Put the other pickles in the fridge, but save the jar. > > 3. Invite your husband to have sex with you doggy style. As he enters you, play the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme on your smartphone. Begin loudly drinking from the jar of pickle juice. > > 4. When your man asks why your vagina feels different, begin extruding the pickle from your butt about two inches. > > 5. After your man has climaxed, eat the pickle. > > And that’s how you please your man. Bonus points if you strategically carved “Happy anniversary honey!” On the pickle ahead of time. Sometimes I get a bit bored on The Dope. Y’know, after being here for so long, it just seems that a lot of the topics get recycled, posters get stuck in their partisan or crazy ways, and it’s just all too bloody predictable. Then a post like this comes along. I’m too scared to ask for further details. Just _Too_ _Much_ _Information_. But funny as all fuck! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2014, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-to-make-a-man-happy-2014-edition/688991/39 "2014-05-23T06:11:31Z")
Anniversary pickle is just the pickletip of the iceberg. Wait’ll you hear great suggestions for pleasing your man on his \* birthday\*… ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2014, 6:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-to-make-a-man-happy-2014-edition/688991/40 "2014-05-23T06:31:32Z")
So, dare I ask why you’re saving the jar? 😉 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-to-make-a-man-happy-2014-edition/688991.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-how-to-make-a-man-happy-2014-edition/688991.md?page=3)