# Ladies if you don't want your private T&A pics to wind up online stop taking and sending them! **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 3, 2013, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434 "2013-05-03T18:18:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/81 "2013-05-04T21:38:27Z")
> [@Troppus](#): > > For any women in love and considering sharing pics with an SO, I recommend presenting this thread as a hypothetical first. If your boyfriend or husband sides with **dnooman** , don’t just reconsider sharing intimate photos with him, throw your camera off the nearest bridge. Someone once said “people tell you who they are. _Listen_ to them.” (Oh crap, Google credits Oprah) > > Way to take the fun and romance right out of sex and love, revenge guys. Nothing like setting up a woman to be stalked or raped to let her know just what she risks by having sex. Hey, here’s a thought, let’s make this thread a sticky. Next time a guy says “Ladies, y u so hard to get?” we can point to this discussion. How about if you want your boyfriend or husband to see you naked you get naked in front of him? The guy doesn’t even have to be an asshole for those pictures to end up on the internet. I’ve lost three different phones, all three of them contained pictures of naked girls. ---
**Author:** ![SecretaryofEvil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@SecretaryofEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SecretaryofEvil)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/82 "2013-05-04T21:39:04Z")
> [@Meatros](#): > > That’s kind of what I got as the take home. In fact, it’s a bit more absurd: Ladies, you can trust us to make life and death decisions for you (ex., if you are in a coma at a hospital), but when it comes to pictures of your girlie parts, all bets are off. Apparently, women who trust their husbands enough to share their bank accounts, homes, and the rearing of their children with them, should not trust those same husbands with naked pictures. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/83 "2013-05-04T21:40:27Z")
> [@Troppus](#): > > Does it matter? Does anyone deserve to be set up to have employers, potential employers, and creepy strangers who get off on the humiliation of others see those pics and obtain her address? What could she have possibly done to deserve the loss of her job, lifelong fear and humiliation? Of course she doesn’t deserve it, I said that. It’s really not relevant to the issue in general, I’m just idly curious. On another note, doesn’t this ever happen to men too? It generally wouldn’t be as bad for them because there wouldn’t be the whole “slut” angle, but it would still be extremely embarrassing. ---
**Author:** ![Troppus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a587f6/32.png) [@Troppus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troppus)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/84 "2013-05-04T21:43:01Z")
> [@DigitalC](#): > > How about if you want your boyfriend or husband to see you naked you get naked in front of him? The guy doesn’t even have to be an asshole for those pictures to end up on the internet. I’ve lost three different phones, all three of them contained pictures of naked girls. So…you’re irresponsible? Relevance to the deliberate dissemination of nude pics offered in good faith? Please inform all future girlfriends of your potential for carelessness. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/85 "2013-05-04T21:43:21Z")
> [@Troppus](#): > > So trusting a man you care deeply about, love or even marry with nude pics or videos means you deserve public humiliation, ostracism, and potential violence if things go sour? No. > [@](#): > > Like I said, we got it. Apparently not. > [@](#): > > Only porn stars and whores should share intimate pics. The typical woman should only have sex in the dark for the purpose of procreation. I think I’ll leave this one to speak for itself. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/86 "2013-05-04T21:46:54Z")
> [@Jimmy\_Chitwood](#): > > Would you like the world better if women took pictures of themselves for your enjoyment, or if they didn’t? Depends on the woman. > [@](#): > > If a woman were sleeping with you, could she trust you not to put those pictures on the internet? If she couldn’t, why would it be a good idea to sleep with you in the first place? It isn’t - that’s kind of the point. Don’t send naked pictures of yourself to men you can’t trust, and don’t have sex with men you can’t trust. > [@](#): > > More to the point, is it OK with you if I call the woman who is sleeping with you an idiot because she trusts you, because other women shouldn’t have in retrospect trusted other men they trusted? Is this all heading in a direction that you feel good about? I have no idea what you supposed this to mean. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Troppus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a587f6/32.png) [@Troppus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troppus)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/87 "2013-05-04T21:48:51Z")
> [@Blackberry](#): > > Of course she doesn’t deserve it, I said that. It’s really not relevant to the issue in general, I’m just idly curious. > > On another note, doesn’t this ever happen to men too? It generally wouldn’t be as bad for them because there wouldn’t be the whole “slut” angle, but it would still be extremely embarrassing. Unless you live under a rock, you’re aware that the reputation of men who partake in sexual relations is generally celebrated (stud, stallion, baller, player)and the reputation of women who partake in sex are ostracized (whore, slut, skank)? ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/88 "2013-05-04T21:49:15Z")
> [@Troppus](#): > > So…you’re irresponsible? Relevance to the deliberate dissemination of nude pics offered in good faith? Please inform all future girlfriends of your potential for carelessness. The relevance is to the “taking naked pictures of yourself is stupid if you don’t want them to end up on the internet” discussion. And losing your phone happens to anyone, not just me. Laptops get stolen, computers break down and need repairing, cameras get lost. It is just a stupid thing to do, trust doesn’t even need to go into it. ---
**Author:** ![Troppus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a587f6/32.png) [@Troppus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troppus)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/89 "2013-05-04T21:52:10Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > I think I’ll leave this one to speak for itself. It speaks more about your home life than we wanted to know, frankly, but I’m sure your children are comforted by the knowledge that Mommy only had sex enough times to conceive them. ---
**Author:** ![Carmady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f04885/32.png) [@Carmady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carmady)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/90 "2013-05-04T21:52:26Z")
> [@China\_Guy](#): > > Would you agree in the above scenario that I had some sort of responsibility? There is an interesting difference between sex-related crimes against women, and most other crimes. Studies have shown that rapists believe all men are rapists. These people posting pictures probably believe all men would do the same. On the other hand, criminals who rob, steal and assault in general probably don’t believe everyone does it. That is why I believe it is not only disgusting to foist blame on women in situations like this, I also believe that in a strictly utilitarian sense it is harmful. Every time you characterize trusting a man (any man) as “sticking your hand in the fire”, every time you compare being around men to going into a dangerous bar and getting beat up, you are only giving credence to the beliefs of sex criminals. So no, I don’t think you would be responsible for the actions of the person who assaulted you. But I also don’t think it would have the same negative effects for people to say things like “shouldn’t have gone there.” Because people who commit assault don’t have the same implicit acceptance by society. In the future, when every boy knows from a young age that the vast majority of boys and men will revile them for committing any sex-related crime, maybe then making statements like “shouldn’t have gone there” will be equivalent to your bar example. We are, unfortunately, far from that future. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/91 "2013-05-04T21:52:53Z")
The furious pushback here over what would seem to be fairly simple, common sense advice is interesting. The notion that telling people not to post or send naked pics of themselves as it may involve a very real risk of eventual exposure is tantamount to some sort of predicate slut shaming is … I don’t know… it’s just bizarre. The people that would do this to other people re posting private pics are human scum, but to pretend the risk does not exist if you are emailing or sending your pics to others does not exist is foolish. The notion that there is some magical halo of privacy and decency that should protect you from this happening is charming, but not realistic. You can go after people legally for doing this if you can ID them and convince the law that they are the ones that posted the pics (good luck with that) but the pics are already out there at that point. For those who have their backs way up at this advice because they feel that they are full grown adults and entitled to share their erotica as they see fit, and that anyone telling them otherwise can go pound sand, go for it. Good luck chasing the perpetrators. Good luck shutting down the revenge-sites and boards that can pop up overnight like mushrooms and disappear just as quickly. Good luck when a buddy sends you an urgent email telling you that your erotic pics are floating around. ---
**Author:** ![Troppus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a587f6/32.png) [@Troppus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troppus)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/92 "2013-05-04T21:53:27Z")
> [@DigitalC](#): > > The relevance is to the “taking naked pictures of yourself is stupid if you don’t want them to end up on the internet” discussion. And losing your phone happens to anyone, not just me. Laptops get stolen, computers break down and need repairing, cameras get lost. It is just a stupid thing to do, trust doesn’t even need to go into it. So you warn them not to share, right? Or delete them upon receipt? ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/93 "2013-05-04T21:54:40Z")
We usually associate causal responsibility with moral desert, and that association confuses the issue here. The fact is, many times (but not every time–it would be foolish to pass judgment on a particular situation based on a news story) a woman who gave a man naked pictures of herself exercised poor judgment. In such cases, she helped cause the incident, by enabling it. But this doesn’t mean she deserves anything. This is a case where causation should not be associated with moral desert. The reason for this is that there exists, at a crucial nexus in the causal sequence that led to the incident, the will of another human being–and she did not consent to what that will determined it would do. The man deserves _all_ the moral approbation. Absolutely all of it–and a whole hell of a lot of it. Also, (in many but not all cases, specifically the ones where she showed poor judgment, i.e. there are specific concrete reasons she should have known better in her particular case,) she had a causal hand in the event. Again: She deserves absolutely no moral approbation at all for this. But it is possible she could use some purely practical advice. (I just want to reiterate again, I’m not talking about every case where a woman gives naked pictures to someone. Just the cases where someone sympathetic to her and familiar with the details would judge that she should have known he could do something like this. In no news story ever do we really know enough about the case to make the judgment ourselves. Sweeping judgments of “never let anyone see your naked pictures” are ridiculous.) ---
**Author:** ![not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/not_what_you_d_expect/32/3246_2.png) [@not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/not_what_you_d_expect)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/94 "2013-05-04T21:55:30Z")
I had a fella once who begged me to allow him to take a sexy photo of me. I said no. Then I became a “cold fish and a prude who didn’t know how to have fun.” Can’t win for losing. ---
**Author:** ![SecretaryofEvil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@SecretaryofEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SecretaryofEvil)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/95 "2013-05-04T21:57:17Z")
> [@China\_Guy](#): > > I mean, I can go into a rough bar, mind my own business drink quietly, provide no offense, and have some asshole decide to kick my ass. I shouldn’t be subjected to assault and battery in that bar, but shit happens. And that bar has a reputation for shit happening. I could have had that quiet beer somewhere else or even skipped it altogether and no worries. Not my fault, but I am somewhat culpable, showed poor judgement, hopelessly naïve, had a brainfart or some combination of the preceeding enabled the situation. To my mind, I therefore have\*some \*responsibility with getting my ass kicked. Doesn’t exonerate the guy that kicked my ass one iota. The common response from my buddies would be “what the fuck were you thinking going there alone, you were asking for trouble and we’re not surprised you got your ass kicked.” > > Would you agree in the above scenario that I had some sort of responsibility? Let’s say I board a Southwest 737 to visit my friend in Florida. The plane is destroyed by a terrorist bomb. Do I have some sort of responsibility in my own death because I knew that terrorists sometimes target airplanes? Let’s say a woman has her brother babysit her daughter. He’s always been trustworthy up to this point. He molests his niece. Does the mother have some sort of responsibility for her daughter’s abuse? After all, the mother knew that there have been many instances of children being molested by their uncles. > [@DigitalC](#): > > How about if you want your boyfriend or husband to see you naked you get naked in front of him? The guy doesn’t even have to be an asshole for those pictures to end up on the internet. I’ve lost three different phones, all three of them contained pictures of naked girls. Ah an example of Hanlon’s Razor. 🙂 “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.” ---
**Author:** ![Frylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ce7236/32.png) [@Frylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frylock)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/96 "2013-05-04T21:58:56Z")
It’d be interesting to find out what percentage of women who release nude images intended for private consumption find out the image was distributed without her consent. If it’s a miniscule percentage, then general advice against giving such images may be off the mark–the value of the advice would relate to how risky giving these images away actually is. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/97 "2013-05-04T22:00:20Z")
> [@Troppus](#): > > Unless you live under a rock, you’re aware that the reputation of men who partake in sexual relations is generally celebrated (stud, stallion, baller, player)and the reputation of women who partake in sex are ostracized (whore, slut, skank)? Duh. Again, I already addressed that. But if a man is applying for jobs he still probably doesn’t want employers googling his name and coming up with that. Or his mom, kids, neighbors, etc. ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/98 "2013-05-04T22:01:43Z")
> [@Troppus](#): > > So you warn them not to share, right? Or delete them upon receipt? Why in the world would I do that? I might be ok with random internet women getting mad at me for telling them they are doing something stupid, but that doesn’t mean I want to piss off the ones that like me enough to get naked. ---
**Author:** ![Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f475e1/32.png) [@Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jimmy_Chitwood)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/99 "2013-05-04T22:07:49Z")
[QUOTE=Shodan] I have no idea what you supposed this to mean. [/QUOTE] I have to admit, I do admire the efficiency of your sneering condescension. Anyway, I understand that what you mean here is “I don’t get it,” and I’m happy to help. What I _supposed_ that to mean is that you’re employing a double standard that, like lots and lots of people around here, you seem entirely oblivious to. How do you know which guys can’t be trusted? Because they’re the ones in cases where the pictures get out, right, and you’re judging women in hindsight because that’s literally the only fact about their existences that you’re aware of. Clearly she fucked up, because somebody abused her trust somehow. Some guys can be trusted – you, I imagine, are one of them – but not the “assholes” **astro** was talking about, who belong to an entirely different species, and who are the untouchable force of nature that we all just have to take for granted and guard against somehow. Well, not we all; you and I and **astro** don’t have to do shit about anything, ever, because we’re the good guys. Just identify the bad guys, ladies, suss out the assholes by employing some common sense, and then you won’t be a stupid idiot who deserves to be criticized by strangers on the internet. You become stupid by virtue of trusting someone you shouldn’t trust, who I know you shouldn’t have trusted because you did and I found out about something bad that happened. And, coincidentally, by virtue of this approach, we regular guys, the non-assholes, will never have any fucking responsibility for anything ever (like, say, losing our cellphones, consuming “ex-gf” style porn, criticizing stupid idiot women on the internet), and we’re entitled to women who are completely free with their bodies and who give us the trust we deserve and are offended at the suggestion we should ever have to earn. Because we’re totally different from the assholes, obviously. Now show me them titties. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/100 "2013-05-04T22:14:24Z")
> [@astro](#): > > The furious pushback here over what would seem to be fairly simple, common sense advice is interesting. The notion that telling people not to post or send naked pics of themselves as it may involve a very real risk of eventual exposure is tantamount to some sort of predicate slut shaming is … I don’t know… it’s just bizarre. If you and a woman you’re dating are goofing around and she takes a pic of herself and sends it to you, are you going to think she’s stupid for trusting you? Even if you’ve been seeing each other for \> 6 months without you showing signs of jerkiness? What other things should she never do with you to optimize her safety? Never leave you alone with her purse? I mean, you could steal her money and her identity. Shit like this happens all the time. It’s easy to judge women as stupid for doing something unnecessary that carries a risk of harm, especially when you don’t know the full circumstances. But millions of people do this kind of thing everyday without mess like this happening. We hone in on the exceptional cases, and ignore all the times when people treat each other with respect. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434.md?page=6)