# Ladies if you don't want your private T&A pics to wind up online stop taking and sending them! **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 3, 2013, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434 "2013-05-03T18:18:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/121 "2013-05-04T23:02:47Z")
> [@Jimmy\_Chitwood](#): > > **astro** : > > I don’t mean to let the cat out of the bag here or anything, but I don’t actually believe in that asshole / non-asshole dichotomy. I don’t think it’s real. I think that it’s better than 50/50 that with 102 posts in this thread to this point, there’s somebody who has posted to it who has shared a naked picture of somebody else without that person’s consent. That’s the real point. They walk among us. They call themselves reasonable respectful people. So I don’t believe in dutiful fellows. I believe everybody’s just people, and that fucked up behavior should be called fucked up behavior. I don’t think it’s up to us to determine whether we’re worthy of trust or not or whether other people we don’t know anything about, in retrospect, were worthy of trust at a time we don’t know anything about. > > But so OK, I can just answer your question, though: read **Carmady** ’s post about the utilitarian effect of focusing on one thing and assuming the more important part is implied. You started a thread about this topic, and now you have this conundrum where you can’t figure out how you could be more responsible about it. But your thread is an address to “Ladies”! You made a choice to talk about this the way you’re talking about it. That’s how we got here. Do you think, if the only conversation anybody ever has about this is the conversation where we hector women about their stupid irresponsible decision to trust their wank shots to men who aren’t us, do you think that has the net effect of empowering the men who aren’t us; do you think that has the net effect of making the environment a little more conducive to them getting away with it? If a friend shows me a sext he got from some girl he met last weekend (which don’t tell me that’s never happened to you, because certainly it has happened to most of us), and my reaction is to note how dumb she is for trusting him, not what a shitty person he is, there’s a job at hand there, and I’m not doing it. “That’s fucked up” is a thing you can say. If your life is like mine at all, and you know broadly speaking the same range of personalities I know, it’s a thing you can say quite a lot, actually. And you can tell me that that is personally what you would do in that situation, and you could tell me that it’s just a coincidence that you’re browbeating these chickenheads, because just as often you have a serious conversation about preserving other people’s privacy in and out of the bedroom, and I will say two things: one, I don’t believe you, which doesn’t matter at all, but two, more importantly, that’s not the conversation we’re having now, because you thought it was important to talk about how it’s inevitable that the fucked up part is going to happen! > > I mean, read **DigitalC** ’s post about whether he tells women not to text him naked pictures. You’re involved in this conversation. You could say “hey, that’s fucked up,” couldn’t you? Is he one of the bad guys? If one of the girls whose pictures he inadvertently disseminated has her shit all out on the tubes by now, aren’t you criticizing her right now? Does that make you a bad guy? The idea that talking about the real world risks involved in an activity should not be done because it might make the people doing that activity feel bad is (to me) absurd. The notion that I am somehow, kinda, sorta empowering the bad guys by telling women to be aware of the risks involved and to possibly modify their pic sending behavior based on what shitty people might do in the real world is an awesome rhetorical ju-jitsu. Seriously, I’m going to need moment! ---
**Author:** ![Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f475e1/32.png) [@Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jimmy_Chitwood)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/122 "2013-05-04T23:09:16Z")
I didn’t say anything at all about not talking about risks, did I? You asked a question and I’m trying to answer it. The questions at the bottom weren’t rhetorical. If you don’t mind, and all. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/123 "2013-05-04T23:10:59Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > That’s not answering the question I asked. > > If a woman you’re dating left you alone with her purse, would you think she was stupid for trusting you not to rummage through her things and steal from her? > > If a woman confided in you a very deep, dark secret from her past, would you think she was stupid for trusting you not to blab this secret to everyone in your social circle? > > If a woman and man were in the middle of a break-up argument, would you think she was stupid for not ending the conversation immediately to protect herself from any possibility of being punched, no matter how slim? > > For some reason, I suspect you wouldn’t be judging a woman as stupid for taking these kinds of chances. So there must be something about “sexual woman = bad” that makes you view pic dissemination differently. But can you not see that the same thing is involved in all of these interactions? It comes down to trust every time. > Your impression is faulty. Although dirty pics aren’t essential to “modern sexual communication”, trust is. When you judge a woman for trusting her boyfriend not to violate her privacy, you’re essentially saying women shouldn’t trust men at all. Yes… that’s it. Telling you not to send pics of yourself spread eagle or on your knees with a big cock in your mouth is tantamount to telling you not to trust men. That’s the message. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/124 "2013-05-04T23:17:55Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Yes… that’s it. Telling you not to send pics of yourself spread eagle or on your knees with a big cock in your mouth… Why stop at this? Us ladies should stop giving blow jobs altogether. This option makes the most sense, as it preemptively punishes men for being the kind of asshole who would disseminate compromising pics of us sucking them off. Win win. ---
**Author:** ![Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f475e1/32.png) [@Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jimmy_Chitwood)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 11:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/125 "2013-05-04T23:20:00Z")
Well, you can give blowjobs to nice guys. ---
**Author:** ![colander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e8c25b/32.png) [@colander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/colander)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/126 "2013-05-04T23:22:46Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Yes… that’s it. Telling you not to send pics of yourself spread eagle or on your knees with a big cock in your mouth is tantamount to telling you not to trust men. That’s the message. Seems like the pictures you mention would probably have been taken by the man. Which really makes me wonder: why are we even framing this debate in terms of women “sending” men pictures? A good number of these women would presumably be better served by the advice “Don’t ever let anyone else take naked pictures of you.” ---
**Author:** ![Steophan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steophan/32/9595_2.png) [@Steophan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steophan)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/127 "2013-05-04T23:24:44Z")
Good lord there’s some stupid in this thread. > [@Troppus](#): > > I like that provenance much better. > > I’m working on a flow chart for this very topic, here’s a rough outline. Women, why won’t you have sex with me —\> because when we don’t, you shame us, and when we do, you shame us. If you want to stop misogyny here, cut out deeply unpleasant, false misandrist statements like that. > [@Troppus](#): > > Does it matter? Does anyone deserve to be set up to have employers, potential employers, and creepy strangers who get off on the humiliation of others see those pics and obtain her address? What could she have possibly done to deserve the loss of her job, lifelong fear and humiliation? How would this lead to any of those things? There are literally millions of women who have their naked pictures online, plenty of them on their own Tumblr pages or whatever, and there’s no reason to think it exposes one to risk or humiliation. Unless you like shaming them for that, because in general it’s not men who have a problem with women being sexually active. > [@Troppus](#): > > Unless you live under a rock, you’re aware that the reputation of men who partake in sexual relations is generally celebrated (stud, stallion, baller, player)and the reputation of women who partake in sex are ostracized (whore, slut, skank)? So stop calling them that. Again, that reputation comes from other women in the main part. > [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > That’s not answering the question I asked. > > If a woman you’re dating left you alone with her purse, would you think she was stupid for trusting you not to rummage through her things and steal from her? How long have you been dating me? Does I seem like the sort who would steal? In short, do you know me well enough to trust me with it? > [@](#): > > If a woman confided in you a very deep, dark secret from her past, would you think she was stupid for trusting you not to blab this secret to everyone in your social circle? Depends, again, whether you know me well enough. > [@](#): > > If a woman and man were in the middle of a break-up argument, would you think she was stupid for not ending the conversation immediately to protect herself from any possibility of being punched, no matter how slim? If there’s a threat of violence, yes, she’s stupid for not trying to get away. Or he, don’t forget men are pretty likely to be victims of violence in that situation. > [@](#): > > For some reason, I suspect you wouldn’t be judging a woman as stupid for taking these kinds of chances. So there must be something about “sexual woman = bad” that makes you view pic dissemination differently. But can you not see that the same thing is involved in all of these interactions? It comes down to trust every time. It’s just as stupid as leaving your door unlocked and trusting that no-one’s going to steal your stuff. You don’t do it, unless you know there’s someone trustworthy in there. > [@](#): > > Your impression is faulty. Although dirty pics aren’t essential to “modern sexual communication”, trust is. When you judge a woman for trusting her boyfriend not to violate her privacy, you’re essentially saying women shouldn’t trust men at all. At minimum, we are observing that she was wrong to trust him to continue to respect her wishes after they broke up. In general, if someone betrays your trust, you were wrong to trust them. Whether it’s stupid or not depends on whether they showed themselves as trustworthy or not. Clue - someone who expects you to send you naked pictures when you’re not comfortable with it is not trustworthy, and not someone you should be with. It’s not victim blaming to say someone was stupid to put themselves in a risky situation, it’s victim-blaming if we say that the person who put the pictures up (or whatever) isn’t guilty because of the victim’s actions. No-one’s said that. ---
**Author:** ![Steophan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steophan/32/9595_2.png) [@Steophan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steophan)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/128 "2013-05-04T23:26:55Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > Why stop at this? Us ladies should stop giving blow jobs altogether. This option makes the most sense, as it preemptively punishes men for being the kind of asshole who would disseminate compromising pics of us sucking them off. > > Win win. No, just stop giving blowjobs to men who take pictures you don’t want anyone to see. ---
**Author:** ![colander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e8c25b/32.png) [@colander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/colander)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/129 "2013-05-04T23:28:16Z")
> [@Steophan](#): > > . Unless you like shaming them for that, because in general it’s not men who have a problem with women being sexually active. hey, you know how I can tell you haven’t read this thread? ---
**Author:** ![Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f475e1/32.png) [@Jimmy\_Chitwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jimmy_Chitwood)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/130 "2013-05-04T23:33:18Z")
> [@Steophan](#): > > No, just stop giving blowjobs to men who take pictures you don’t want anyone to see. I already made that joke. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/131 "2013-05-04T23:43:05Z")
> [@colander](#): > > A good number of these women would presumably be better served by the advice “Don’t ever let anyone else take naked pictures of you.” But when they take these pictures, don’t break up with them. Because that’s just asking for trouble. ---
**Author:** ![Troppus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a587f6/32.png) [@Troppus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troppus)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/132 "2013-05-04T23:43:34Z")
> [@Steophan](#): > > … because in general it’s not men who have a problem with women being sexually active. So… it’s a woman who posted these pics and attempted to ruin this woman’s life? Maybe you should read the linked article. ---
**Author:** ![Carmady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f04885/32.png) [@Carmady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carmady)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/133 "2013-05-04T23:46:31Z")
> [@Steophan](#): > > How long have you been dating me? Does I seem like the sort who would steal? In short, do you know me well enough to trust me with it? Good questions. What are the answers? _Do_ they know you well enough to trust you? Why or why not? If they turn out to be wrong for trusting you, does that make them stupid? ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/134 "2013-05-04T23:50:59Z")
> [@Steophan](#): > > No, just stop giving blowjobs to men who take pictures you don’t want anyone to see. But women can misjudge. Nah, I think it’s best if we just stop with the BJs. Everything was all right before we started giving those. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2013, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/135 "2013-05-04T23:58:46Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > But women can misjudge. Nah, I think it’s best if we just stop with the BJs. Everything was all right before we started giving those. I feel like your username, and how it came to be, might somehow be relevant here. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![colander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e8c25b/32.png) [@colander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/colander)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2013, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/136 "2013-05-05T00:06:34Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > I feel like your username, and how it came to be, might somehow be relevant here. 😃 You know how a lot of the time, incompetent people don’t know they’re incompetent? Well, it turns out comedy works the same way. Food for thought! ---
**Author:** ![Steophan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steophan/32/9595_2.png) [@Steophan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steophan)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2013, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/137 "2013-05-05T00:11:11Z")
> [@colander](#): > > hey, you know how I can tell you haven’t read this thread? You’d be wrong, as I have read it. > [@Troppus](#): > > So… it’s a woman who posted these pics and attempted to ruin this woman’s life? Maybe you should read the linked article. No, it’s women more often than men who get judgemental about other women’s promiscuity. Most men don’t care (except when it’s their partner cheating on them). > [@Carmady](#): > > Good questions. What are the answers? > > _Do_ they know you well enough to trust you? Why or why not? If they turn out to be wrong for trusting you, does that make them stupid? Ultimately, that can only be decided on a case by case basis. I have female friends who can, and do, trust me, and they’re right to do so - but I don’t expect anyone to take my word for that. Maybe you’d take their word for it, if ever we were acquainted. But, if you _did_ trust me on nothing but my word, having not known me any length of time, then yes, you’d be stupid. > [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > But women can misjudge. Nah, I think it’s best if we just stop with the BJs. Everything was all right before we started giving those. Go for it. I’m sure I can find some nice young man to suck me off. And if not, well my right hand still works. I’m not sure why yo think I’d disagree with this. The whole point of this thread is that, if you don’t want it to be known that you’ve done something, don’t do it. If you don’t want a picture or video of you giving a blowjob to appear on the internet, then not giving any is a good way to achieve that. ---
**Author:** ![Troppus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a587f6/32.png) [@Troppus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troppus)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2013, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/138 "2013-05-05T00:25:12Z")
> [@Steophan](#): > > No, it’s women more often than men who get judgemental about other women’s promiscuity. Most men don’t care (except when it’s their partner cheating on them). Umm…cite? > [@Steophan](#): > > No, it’s women more often than men who get judgemental about other women’s promiscuity. Most men don’t care (except when it’s their partner cheating on them). Ummm…relevance to the OP? > [@Steophan](#): > > No, it’s women more often than men who get judgemental about other women’s promiscuity. Most men don’t care (except when it’s their partner cheating on them). Ummmm…cheating? What’s that got to do with anything? You saying that she cheated and therefore deserves the fate she received? ---
**Author:** ![colander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e8c25b/32.png) [@colander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/colander)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2013, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/139 "2013-05-05T00:28:43Z")
> [@Steophan](#): > > You’d be wrong, as I have read it. Then your assertion above was most laughably entertaining. Jolly good show. ---
**Author:** ![Steophan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steophan/32/9595_2.png) [@Steophan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steophan)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2013, 12:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434/140 "2013-05-05T00:33:19Z")
> [@Troppus](#): > > Umm…cite? > > Ummm…relevance to the OP? > > Ummmm…cheating? What’s that got to do with anything? You saying that she cheated and therefore deserves the fate she received? My cite is the world around me. The relevance is the idea that this is somehow a(nother) problem entirely caused by men, on the whole, being evil. The cheating thing is relevant because the only time a bloke really cares how many people a woman’s slept with is when it’s how many she’s slept with during their relationship. All of which is obvious, and shouldn’t need stating. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-if-you-dont-want-your-private-t-a-pics-to-wind-up-online-stop-taking-and-sending-them/657434.md?page=8)