# Ladies: in public, a man makes repeated, unwanted romantic overtures toward you. Your reaction? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 1, 2016, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-in-public-a-man-makes-repeated-unwanted-romantic-overtures-toward-you-your-reaction/750841 "2016-04-01T17:06:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![kayT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayt/32/3633_2.png) [@kayT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayT)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2016, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-in-public-a-man-makes-repeated-unwanted-romantic-overtures-toward-you-your-reaction/750841/21 "2016-04-01T18:40:35Z")
I agree with **Fretful** , but since I am an older lady who does not get a lot of romantic overtures from strangers any more (usually I just get ignored) I would probably begin by laughing uncontrollably. ---
**Author:** ![chizzuk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e36b37/32.png) [@chizzuk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chizzuk)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2016, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-in-public-a-man-makes-repeated-unwanted-romantic-overtures-toward-you-your-reaction/750841/22 "2016-04-01T19:29:13Z")
> [@Fretful\_Porpentine](#): > > Ignore and walk away, in the direction of other people, while pretending that I am deaf and he is invisible. Engagement of any sort is rewarding the behavior. I would start with this if I’m in a situation where it’s possible. If he kept it up or I was trapped, like in a subway car, I would firmly tell him I’m not interested and to leave me alone, then move away. If that still didn’t stop it, I would get loud and rude about it and attract others’ attention. Emotions: nervous, angry, possibly afraid depending on how creepy he was being. My first instinct would be to flee, but I’d be fighting to listen to that instinct only insofar as it still kept me within a public area. Hurrying off somewhere where the creeper could follow and get me alone? No. First priority would be to stay where there are other people around. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2016, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-in-public-a-man-makes-repeated-unwanted-romantic-overtures-toward-you-your-reaction/750841/23 "2016-04-01T19:39:04Z")
At a party this past xmas season, a very drunk FOAF told my gf what he’d like to do to her. She walked away from him and told his wife what her husband had just said. Wife grabbed him _by the ear_ and dragged him out the door, coat-less, to their car. I’d never seen anyone dragged by the ear; it looked excruciatingly painful, and she seemed well versed in the technique. ---
**Author:** ![Emiliana](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f0a364/32.png) [@Emiliana](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emiliana)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2016, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-in-public-a-man-makes-repeated-unwanted-romantic-overtures-toward-you-your-reaction/750841/24 "2016-04-01T20:33:37Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > At a party this past xmas season, a very drunk FOAF told my gf what he’d like to do to her. She walked away from him and told his wife what her husband had just said. Wife grabbed him _by the ear_ and dragged him out the door, coat-less, to their car. > > I’d never seen anyone dragged by the ear; it looked excruciatingly painful, and she seemed well versed in the technique. I’m missing the romance in this story.🙂 Actually, I can’t imagine what romantic overtures from a stranger would be like. My dear, my heart beats for you like a tiny hummingbird drunk on sugar water? Does the OP mean sexual overtures without physical contact? ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2016, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-in-public-a-man-makes-repeated-unwanted-romantic-overtures-toward-you-your-reaction/750841/25 "2016-04-01T20:48:43Z")
NM. ---
**Author:** ![KarlGrenze](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/dbc845/32.png) [@KarlGrenze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KarlGrenze)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2016, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-in-public-a-man-makes-repeated-unwanted-romantic-overtures-toward-you-your-reaction/750841/26 "2016-04-01T22:14:54Z")
> [@jtur88](#): > > In a civilized society, I would hope that she would say “Sir, you are making repeated, unwanted romantic overtures toward me, and it would please me if you stopped.” However, a civilized society can no longer be taken for granted. > > Emotional state: I’m the civilized one. Huh? 😕 It seems you misunderstood **Skald** ’s question. Personally: I live in a place where people say “Good morning” or “Good day” to strangers. My reaction to that varies to what is added to the greeting and the tone. Sometimes I reply. Sometimes they say something that makes me smile back. But sometimes they try to stop me and become insistent. The situation that comes to my mind the most was a guy who was very insistent on taking me out to lunch right there, and after my refusals, then asked if he could take me to my house in his car to drop off my groceries (I was a pedestrian walking home from the market at the time). I kept insisting no and no until I made sure the guy finally stopped. How he stopped? I told him I had a local boyfriend (it was a lie). I glanced and he was not following me, and I continued home. I met him (I call him stalker) quite a few times afterwards. The next two times, when he started talking to me (AGAIN!!!), I turned around, stopped my tracks, and moved on the opposite direction I was going until I lost him. The fourth time I saw him, I was walking with some friends so I grabbed my male friend’s hand until he passed. The last time I saw him (that I could remember), I was in a public place being attended by a street vendor who is nice and attentive. If he had tried to approach me then, he’d have to deal with the others’ backlash. I’ve had a few other situations, including the last one which went from a “Good morning” with more adult undertones to a bash on immigrants as soon as he realized I ignored his remarks. Yea, so I did the right thing by ignoring him. Emotional states: Annoyed to angry. With the stalker, I was a bit apprehensive as it had the potential to be dangerous. With the ones I ignore, I feel annoyed. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [April 1, 2016, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-in-public-a-man-makes-repeated-unwanted-romantic-overtures-toward-you-your-reaction/750841/27 "2016-04-01T23:36:36Z")
I asked my gf this question. She said it happens all the time. Every time it’s happened, she has responded with polite niceties of some form, in order to try to keep the interaction on a small-talk level. She does this until the first opportunity presents itself to leave the scene. She said her emotions during such encounters could best be summed up by “irritated”. ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2016, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-in-public-a-man-makes-repeated-unwanted-romantic-overtures-toward-you-your-reaction/750841/28 "2016-04-02T03:52:50Z")
I’m really upset by how many people would leave the area. It’s accepting responsibility for the event, implying that your simple presence is the root cause. I know physical violence is a real possibility, but leaving isn’t the best way to prevent that. For example, he could follow you. Doesn’t it even occur to anyone to post his picture to Facebook - “If I’m not home in half an hour, this is the guy who’s dismembering my body” ? ---
**Author:** ![Sattua](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sattua/32/11906_2.png) [@Sattua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sattua)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2016, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-in-public-a-man-makes-repeated-unwanted-romantic-overtures-toward-you-your-reaction/750841/29 "2016-04-02T04:17:33Z")
> [@j666](#): > > I’m really upset by how many people would leave the area. It’s accepting responsibility for the event, implying that your simple presence is the root cause. No; it’s acknowledging that the only person you have control over is yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2016, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-in-public-a-man-makes-repeated-unwanted-romantic-overtures-toward-you-your-reaction/750841/30 "2016-04-02T04:37:07Z")
> [@jtur88](#): > > In a civilized society, I would hope that she would say “Sir, you are making repeated, unwanted romantic overtures toward me, and it would please me if you stopped.” However, a civilized society can no longer be taken for granted. > > Emotional state: I’m the civilized one. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2016, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-in-public-a-man-makes-repeated-unwanted-romantic-overtures-toward-you-your-reaction/750841/31 "2016-04-02T04:43:44Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > If I were in a public place that allows for concealed carry, he would be informed immediately that I have no qualms about taking his life for my own protection. :eek: Overreact much? :eek: ---
**Author:** ![BeeGee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b5a626/32.png) [@BeeGee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BeeGee)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2016, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-in-public-a-man-makes-repeated-unwanted-romantic-overtures-toward-you-your-reaction/750841/32 "2016-04-02T05:01:32Z")
> [@kayT](#): > > I agree with **Fretful** , but since I am an older lady who does not get a lot of romantic overtures from strangers any more (usually I just get ignored) I would probably begin by laughing uncontrollably. Exactly. A couple of years ago, I was staying alone at a hotel in north Texas. This guy kept coming up to me and saying “You’re sooooo pretty!” Now even in my downy youth at my best fighting weight, no one would call me pretty. I’ve got some good features pleasantly arranged. But not “pretty”. I finally said “Dude, you are so drunk.” and started laughing. The bartender was hovering, for which I tipped him well. I didn’t feel in any danger, but I like an attentive bartender who knows what’s going on. The funny part was the next day when we were both checking out. I passed the guy several times. He kept looking at me like he should remember me for some reason. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2016, 8:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-in-public-a-man-makes-repeated-unwanted-romantic-overtures-toward-you-your-reaction/750841/33 "2016-04-02T08:05:03Z")
> [@stillownedbysetters](#): > > If this occurs at a party or a bar or someplace where drinking is involved, I’d try to tactfully ignore the person and chalk it up to al-kee-hawl. If that still doesn’t work, I’d make my excuses and leave. > > If it’s a sober person, I’d rebuff him kindly the first time, be much more firm the second time, and if there’s a third time, I’d either seek help, if help was available in the vicinity, or very visibly call the police on my cell phone. > > Emotional state? in example one, irritated, but not angry; in example two, escalating from mildly irritated to angry to fierce. When I was with a band we would show up as close to 6 pm as we could [we all had day jobs] to do the set up and sound check, which then left us sitting around the bar for a few hours until the first set. My typical reaction was to tell the guy to leave me alone. If he persisted, he would end up wearing my drink, and if he continued to harass me, he would get a steel toed sneaker to the kneecap followed by a trip to the ER. Usually one of the guys in the band with me or a bouncer would tell the guy to leave me alone, but there was a fair chance I would be sitting mostly alone reading a book to kill time. Not every venue had a green room/dressing room - we played some pretty scummy bars [and yes more than one venue had chicken wire to keep the bottles from hitting the band] ---
**Author:** ![KarlGrenze](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/dbc845/32.png) [@KarlGrenze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KarlGrenze)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2016, 9:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-in-public-a-man-makes-repeated-unwanted-romantic-overtures-toward-you-your-reaction/750841/34 "2016-04-02T09:42:52Z")
> [@j666](#): > > I’m really upset by how many people would leave the area. It’s accepting responsibility for the event, implying that your simple presence is the root cause. > > I know physical violence is a real possibility, but leaving isn’t the best way to prevent that. For example, he could follow you. > > Doesn’t it even occur to anyone to post his picture to Facebook - “If I’m not home in half an hour, this is the guy who’s dismembering my body” ? 1. I think many of us may be checking to make sure he is not obviously following us. Or we may be moving to a place that has even more people/friends who can bail us out. Also, the more obvious we make our desire to not be involved with him, the more obvious it looks to passerbys that the exchange is involuntary. Passerbys that can act as a deterrent. 2. Taking the phone out and taking a picture of the person seems more threatening and more escalating. And then we may get accused of “blowing it out of proportion”. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2016, 9:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-in-public-a-man-makes-repeated-unwanted-romantic-overtures-toward-you-your-reaction/750841/35 "2016-04-02T09:48:52Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > ETA: I am also curious about whether women feel more anger or fear in such circumstances. Fear, which generates anger which I use to cover the fear. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2016, 10:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-in-public-a-man-makes-repeated-unwanted-romantic-overtures-toward-you-your-reaction/750841/36 "2016-04-02T10:02:01Z")
> [@j666](#): > > I’m really upset by how many people would leave the area. It’s accepting responsibility for the event, implying that your simple presence is the root cause. > > I know physical violence is a real possibility, but leaving isn’t the best way to prevent that. For example, he could follow you. OK - what do you want us to do? If we leave we might be followed and then assaulted or raped. If we DON’T leave we might be assaulted or raped. At least if we leave we might lose him. But really, it depends on context and were we’re going. If I’m alone on the street rather than stop and stand there I’m better off going _anywhere_ there are more people, to a police station if I can get there. I don’t think you understand just how vulnerable a woman can be, or how frightening the situation can be. Once when I was walking home from the store with a couple of bags of groceries a man starts following me, chatting me up, asking me if I have a boyfriend, do I want to go out with him. I very, very plainly said I was already involved, not interested. I mean I _literally_ said “I’m not interested in going out with you.” (cue whining on his part). Finally, he starts to _take my groceries out my hands_ and INSIST on walking me home. NO EFFING WAY! I made a VERY loud scene right there on the street, accusing him of being a would-be rapist, I mean windows opening up all up and down the street (that sort of thing qualifies as free entertainment in the big city) and the resulting attention finally got him to leave me (and my groceries) alone. But it was very frightening because that’s a textbook set up to get raped by the “helpful” man following you into your place, putting your groceries down, then assaulting you in your own home. The problem is, whether it’s just or not, women WILL be held responsible for the incident if things get ugly. The guy is going to accuse us of being a “tease” (because, ya know, just being female in his vicinity is a provocation). We’re going to be asked why we didn’t leave. Why we didn’t make our wishes known (even if we did). Why we didn’t fight back. If we do fight back and hurt him we could then face assault charges. Or if he doesn’t get hurt but we do we have to suffer the physical pain on top of everything else. This is one of the fundamental injustices of being a woman in modern society and why we are still not equal in fact, even if in law. > [@](#): > > Doesn’t it even occur to anyone to post his picture to Facebook - “If I’m not home in half an hour, this is the guy who’s dismembering my body” ? Not everyone has a Facebook account or a phone that connects to the internet. Besides, I don’t want after-the-fact justice, I want to not be raped or murdered in the first place. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2016, 10:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-in-public-a-man-makes-repeated-unwanted-romantic-overtures-toward-you-your-reaction/750841/37 "2016-04-02T10:07:15Z")
> [@ZPG\_Zealot](#): > > I would tell him to leave me alone very, very loudly in as scornful and insulting a manner possible. Bullies tend to back down if they realize their victim will fight back. If I were in a public place that allows for concealed carry, he would be informed immediately that I have no qualms about taking his life for my own protection. > [@Ambivalid](#): > > :eek: Overreact much? :eek: Depends on the neighborhood. ---
**Author:** ![DaphneBlack](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daphneblack/32/5389_2.png) [@DaphneBlack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DaphneBlack)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2016, 11:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-in-public-a-man-makes-repeated-unwanted-romantic-overtures-toward-you-your-reaction/750841/38 "2016-04-02T11:49:16Z")
As a general principle, if I ‘leave the area’ it is only to go to another area that is also heavily-populated or known to me to be safe, not just wandering off in another direction. For example, when I was leaving a club in London, getting my coat, and some guy tried to get me to ‘go to a second location’ with him in a cab, I politely refused his request (repeatedly) and stood with the coat-check girl until he gave up and left, then waited another five minutes. It is not ‘taking responsibility’ to take your safety into consideration before other issues. ---
**Author:** ![Channing\_Idaho\_Banks](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/channing_idaho_banks/32/250_2.png) [@Channing\_Idaho\_Banks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Channing_Idaho_Banks)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2016, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-in-public-a-man-makes-repeated-unwanted-romantic-overtures-toward-you-your-reaction/750841/39 "2016-04-02T13:38:13Z")
Ask the bouncer for help. This is one of his specialties. Plus, he probably wantz to know which jerks are driving away the women. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [April 2, 2016, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-in-public-a-man-makes-repeated-unwanted-romantic-overtures-toward-you-your-reaction/750841/40 "2016-04-02T13:49:06Z")
> [@j666](#): > > I’m really upset by how many people would leave the area. It’s accepting responsibility for the event, implying that your simple presence is the root cause. The guy hasn’t broken the law. He’s functionally no different than a crying baby or someone who smells. If the solution to these two problems is to get up and leave, then why wouldn’t it be the same with a guy who can’t take “no” for an answer? > [@](#): > > I know physical violence is a real possibility, but leaving isn’t the best way to prevent that. For example, he could follow you. Only if he follows me would my irritation turn into fear. At that point, anything goes. But if all that’s happened is a guy has used every line in the book to get me to say “yes”, I’m not going to express fear. Irritation, yes. But not “SOMEBODY HELP ME!! I’M FIXIN’ TO BE RAPED AND KILLED!!” > [@](#): > > Doesn’t it even occur to anyone to post his picture to Facebook - “If I’m not home in half an hour, this is the guy who’s dismembering my body” ? The vast majority of clueless guys aren’t serial killers. They are just clueless guys. If your average 18 to 24-year-old woman followed this advice, she wouldn’t have free space left on her Facebook page. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-in-public-a-man-makes-repeated-unwanted-romantic-overtures-toward-you-your-reaction/750841.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-in-public-a-man-makes-repeated-unwanted-romantic-overtures-toward-you-your-reaction/750841.md?page=3)