# Ladies, what's in it for you? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 11, 2006, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226 "2006-04-11T14:18:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/21 "2006-04-11T15:35:42Z")
> [@sunfish](#): > > It depends on the man’s perspective too. If it’s all about the lingerie for him, then it’s a real turn-off AFAIC, because then it would seem that any warm body in lingerie would do. Not a good way to make your lady feel special. I’m not talking about fetish proportions here. Just as an occasional thing for spice things up. And women really ought to give us guys a little more credit than this. Though we may like the visuals of an attractive woman in various media, we are with _you_ and are attracted to _you_ for more than just your body or what you put on it. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/22 "2006-04-11T15:45:12Z")
> [@Vesper](#): > > If a woman were to ask “What’s in it for me,” I would think that it was because she felt the man was dictating that she would be wearing this stuff for him, and she didn’t get much option or choice in the matter. It also sounds like she is starting to think it is more about the costumes and not at all about her. > > In **Seren** ’s case, it sounds like she does it on her own terms. She chooses what she likes and feels sexy in and wears it for her SO when and how she wants. And she likes that he likes it. Which is what I do, too (and I am perfectly secure and confident about it, no worries 😉 ). > > My impression was that all this was pretty much for your own benefit and she didn’t get much choice or equal say in the matter. If that impression was wrong, I apologize. I hope that makes sense. And no judgments here, sincerely. 🙂 Nah… I know you’re being frank in expressing your point of view so no worries. 🙂 If a woman simply does not feel comfortable in what is classically considered to be sexy apparel, I can certainly respect that. I certainly would not expect someone to do something against their will or outside their comfort level. I respect it more if that is how it’s expressed. However, am I wrong in interpreting the statement “What’s in it for me?” as a highly defensive and accusatory position? 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Vesper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/c68b51/32.png) [@Vesper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vesper)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/23 "2006-04-11T15:48:32Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > I’m not talking about fetish proportions here. Just as an occasional thing for spice things up. Really? Because your previous [post](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=7210059&postcount=7) on the matter sure sounds otherwise. 😛 If I was with a guy who needed lingerie this much to feel spiced up or to get a heightened sense of excitement for me, I would start to feel really lousy, really quickly. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/24 "2006-04-11T15:54:31Z")
> [@Vesper](#): > > Really? Because your previous [post](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=7210059&postcount=7) on the matter sure sounds otherwise. 😛 > > If I was with a guy who needed lingerie this much to feel spiced up or to get a heightened sense of excitement for me, I would start to feel really lousy, really quickly. Damn you people with your long memories! 😃 LOL! That was a former partner and we both really enjoyed it. However, it wasn’t a daily thing. This is someone I’ve been seeing recently and I’m trying to decide it this is worth pursuing for various reasons. Lingerie is not a deal breaker… she just presents a point of view I’ve never encountered before so I’m forced to examine my own position. ---
**Author:** ![Vesper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/c68b51/32.png) [@Vesper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vesper)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/25 "2006-04-11T16:00:02Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > However, am I wrong in interpreting the statement “What’s in it for me?” as a highly defensive and accusatory position? 😕 I don’t think any of us can tell you where this person was coming from when she said it. I already gave you my impression above (that it might have sounded controlling or that she felt she just wasn’t getting a say/choice in the matter). I could see myself and other women reacting that way depending on the scenario. Maybe she felt insulted or like she wasn’t sexy enough for the guy. Or maybe her response sounded accusatory because the man sounded presumptuous. Or maybe she simply feels uncomfortable with the man or relationship in question. I don’t know. I’m sure she reacted that way for a reason, but I can’t really speculate further without knowing the person and the situation. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/26 "2006-04-11T16:03:29Z")
> [@Vesper](#): > > I don’t think any of us can tell you where this person was coming from when she said it. I already gave you my impression above (that it might have sounded controlling or that she felt she just wasn’t getting a say/choice in the matter). I could see myself and other women reacting that way depending on the scenario. Maybe she felt insulted or like she wasn’t sexy enough for the guy. Or maybe her response sounded accusatory because the man sounded presumptuous. Or maybe she simply feels uncomfortable with the man or relationship in question. > > I don’t know. I’m sure she reacted that way for a reason, but I can’t really speculate further without knowing the person and the situation. :dubious: Hmmm… I think this was insightful. Thanks. Must cogetate further on this. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/27 "2006-04-11T16:18:59Z")
Ehhh. I must be a mutant. I prefer the jeans-and-a-Tshirt look (and the less frilly underthings) to all-out spikomatic-high-heel lingerie-world. Though I will say, that, long ago, when I was going out with a certain woman, she dressed that way because she thought it would interest me. _That_ was touching. It’s not the clothes–it’s the thought. ---
**Author:** ![Oy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bc8723/32.png) [@Oy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oy)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/28 "2006-04-11T16:32:53Z")
> [@romansperson](#): > > Actually, I found myself wondering some years back when I happened to find myself in a Victoria’s Secret store on a Feb. 14 … “Hon, why are you buying that bustier for her to wear tonight? I hope you realize that’s for YOU, not for HER, and are planning on more purchases that just that.” See, I was the lone woman in a line of about a dozen people waiting to check out (and no, I wasn’t buying anything for myself to wear that night either), and you really do have to wonder about that. Well, for me, my partner buying the thing (whatever it might be, frilly, lacy, cotton, whatever) for me to wear would be the biggest turn on of all - are you kidding??? That would mean that he (or she if I happened to be gay, but I’m gonna use “he” from here on in because I’m not) would have been thinking about what I looked like and what would turn him on to see me in. Honey, unless we’re talking agony in the wearing here, that’s all the payoff I’d need! Forget extra effort or performance on the part of the partner - just the ego blast alone would be tremendously rewarding. YMMV. ---
**Author:** ![ElvisL1ves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@ElvisL1ves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElvisL1ves)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/29 "2006-04-11T16:48:41Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > As a result, you get some extra special attention too. Everybody wins. > > No? Yes, but only halfway. My fellow men, YOU have to put some work into remaining attractive to HER as well. You have to take care of her needs, too - that’s a better guarantee of her getting hot for you, night after night, year after year. That’s how everybody wins. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/30 "2006-04-11T16:49:18Z")
…or perhaps I should just restrict my dating pool to people with \*\*Oy!'s \*\* mind set. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![romansperson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/romansperson/32/17100_2.png) [@romansperson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/romansperson)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/31 "2006-04-11T16:51:05Z")
> [@Oy!](#): > > Well, for me, my partner buying the thing (whatever it might be, frilly, lacy, cotton, whatever) for me to wear would be the biggest turn on of all - are you kidding??? That would mean that he (or she if I happened to be gay, but I’m gonna use “he” from here on in because I’m not) would have been thinking about what I looked like and what would turn him on to see me in. Honey, unless we’re talking agony in the wearing here, that’s all the payoff I’d need! Forget extra effort or performance on the part of the partner - just the ego blast alone would be tremendously rewarding. > > YMMV. Nope. Not kidding. What if the thing is 10 sizes too big? Or too small? Or really not your taste? For me (and I only speak of myself here), it wouldn’t provide an ego boost at all (though I’m funny that way - my sexual attractiveness or lack thereof doesn’t play at all into how I feel or think about myself in general). I’d hope I’d be sexy enough without the accoutrements. If not, well then, Houston, there’s a problem. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/32 "2006-04-11T16:53:07Z")
> [@ElvisL1ves](#): > > Yes, but only halfway. My fellow men, YOU have to put some work into remaining attractive to HER as well. You have to take care of her needs, too - that’s a better guarantee of her getting hot for you, night after night, year after year. That’s how everybody wins. Amen, bra’. BTW, gyms are equal opportunity establishments. She should be getting in there regularly as well. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/33 "2006-04-11T16:58:20Z")
> [@romansperson](#): > > Nope. Not kidding. What if the thing is 10 sizes too big? Or too small? Or really not your taste? And why does your partner not know your size or your taste or what best suits your body type? > [@romansperson](#): > > I’d hope I’d be sexy enough without the accoutrements. If not, well then, Houston, there’s a problem. Grilled steak is delicious. Steak Diane is a nice treat sometimes. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/34 "2006-04-11T17:14:08Z")
Some thoughts: I am of the T shirt and cotton undies contingency, so keep that in mind. Nothing to me is sexier than a naked woman wearing just her man’s Oxford shirt with only a few buttons buttoned…anyway, I was saying. Why the lingerie at all? I don’t get it. It’s scratchy; I feel skanky in it–I dont’ feel "powerful"at all–I feel dressed up for some generic man’s fantasy. Ugh. I don’t wear heels, don’t like 'em. I don’t want to look like a Playboy Bunny/Hooters girl/centerfold before, during or after sex, ever. If the man buys me some sexy lingerie, I do hope we have talked about it in some way prior to his purchase. Otherwise, I’m gonna feel controlled and inadequate–not thrilled with an ego boost. Maybe I “got issues”, but seems to me that most women don’t stipulate that their partner/BF/man of the evening wear a particular pair of boxers or briefs. Or maybe I just don’t get out enough. My husband and I have our problems, no lie, but he has never insisted that I wear lingerie(in fact, he doesn’t care for it, either)and for that I am grateful. Why don’t you ASK her what she meant by that remark? Seems the simplest thing to do, really. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/35 "2006-04-11T17:15:59Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > And why does your partner not know your size or your taste or what best suits your body type? My husband wouldn’t know my size if I wore my tags on the outside. Not so much for me, as I haven’t changed much in 18 years, but I know women who yo-yo between 4 sizes all the time. He did go shopping for clothes for me once with Kid Kalhoun because we were about the same size at that time. As I recall, his pick wasn’t a good one and he’s never purchased clothing for me since. Which is just as well. ---
**Author:** ![Jennyrosity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@Jennyrosity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jennyrosity)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/36 "2006-04-11T17:34:34Z")
I love lingerie, but I wear for me, because it makes me feel special and beautiful, not for him. He doesn’t really get the lingerie thing. Last time I slinked up to him, in a very sexy black chiffon set, he gave me a slightly baffled look and asked: “Why are you looming over me?” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![sunfish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/96bed5/32.png) [@sunfish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sunfish)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/37 "2006-04-11T17:52:07Z")
> [@Angua](#): > > A lot of the time, it can be a particular type of _fabric_ rather than anything else that has the “woohoo” quality, if you see what I mean. Oh, absolutely! Didn’t mean to imply that you were a frills and lace kind of gal, either, that’s just what I usually associated with Frederick’s of Hollywood type stuff (as mentioned in the OP). > [@QuickSilver](#): > > BTW, gyms are equal opportunity establishments. She should be getting in there regularly as well. You know… **ElvisL1ves** brought up a very good point, which is that both parties should make an effort to please each other, sort of a quid pro quo. You agreed, which is cool. And then you turned it right back into one more thing that a woman should be doing that presumably would excite her man and thus give her a “payoff” in return. Apologies if I’m reading you wrong, but you seem to be holding the general attitude that it’s more the woman’s responsibility to keep things exciting in a relationship. IOW, you’ll do for her, but she has to do for you first. That might work for the short-term, but longer-term I think that’s a recipe for some resentment. Why should she have to do more of the heavy-lifting? Maybe that’s the vibe you’re giving off. Perhaps another thing worth considering. ---
**Author:** ![romansperson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/romansperson/32/17100_2.png) [@romansperson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/romansperson)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/38 "2006-04-11T17:59:48Z")
> [@Kalhoun](#): > > My husband wouldn’t know my size if I wore my tags on the outside. Not so much for me, as I haven’t changed much in 18 years, but I know women who yo-yo between 4 sizes all the time. > > He did go shopping for clothes for me once with Kid Kalhoun because we were about the same size at that time. As I recall, his pick wasn’t a good one and he’s never purchased clothing for me since. Which is just as well. Are we married to the same guy? Heck, maybe we are even the same person, because I’m with you on the shelves thing too! 😛 Sometimes the best thing a guy can do for a gal is the housework … if I’m not stressed out and worn out by the 9.765 other things I had to do that day 'cause I got help doing them, then penis just might ensue. In a big way. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/39 "2006-04-11T18:06:34Z")
> [@romansperson](#): > > Are we married to the same guy? Heck, maybe we are even the same person, because I’m with you on the shelves thing too! 😛 Sometimes the best thing a guy can do for a gal is the housework … if I’m not stressed out and worn out by the 9.765 other things I had to do that day 'cause I got help doing them, then penis just might ensue. In a big way. 😉 Bwahahahahaha! Yeah…nothing more pathetic than getting dressed up like a whore only to fall asleep on the couch! "I’m…too sexy for my shoes…too sexy for…yawn…(blink, blink)…zzzzzzzzzzz ---
**Author:** ![UntouchedTakeaway](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/d78d45/32.png) [@UntouchedTakeaway](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UntouchedTakeaway)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/40 "2006-04-11T18:36:04Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > The sexy Vickies or Fredricks lingerie that can’t be worn outside the boudoir with much comfort for extended periods of time. The lucite slipper or the black pattent stillettos that drive your mate wild with passion. The little collar that you wear for him that makes him drop to his knees and do you know what to you where you stand. > > All these things that you wear to get your partner all hot and bothered… Do you ever find yourself wondering, “I know he likes me to wear it, but what’s in it for me?” > > I ask this, because that is exactly how the question was put to me when discussing this subject and I was frankly at a loss to explain it. Not because I didn’t think I knew the answer but because it seemed so pattently obvious, I almost felt it was a trick question. I like girly stuff. The definition of “girly stuff” varies by…well…by girl. Some are flannel girls, some are Frederick’s girls. I fall in the middle - I’m a Suzy Parker type girl 😃 I wear stuff like that because it makes me feel … well (you know where I’m goin’ with this) … girly! VCNJ~ [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226.md?page=3)