# Ladies, what's in it for you? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 11, 2006, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226 "2006-04-11T14:18:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/61 "2006-04-11T21:05:53Z")
I still say properly installed storm windows and a clean kitchen floor are worth a world-class blow job at my house. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/62 "2006-04-11T21:10:20Z")
> [@Anastasaeon](#): > > Never a problem, **QS**. 🙂 > > Also, this is the first time anyone has ever complained about my advice in a sex thread. I hear you, and I will ratchet it back a notch, however, I won’t _stop_ until my inbox stops filling up with "thank you"s. 😉 Not at all… I friend in my corner is always appreciated. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/63 "2006-04-11T21:13:23Z")
> [@Kalhoun](#): > > I still say properly installed storm windows and a clean kitchen floor are worth a world-class blow job at my house. See… and I’m so totally handy and completely not averse to housework. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/64 "2006-04-11T21:18:26Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > Man, this makes hostage negotiation look easy! > 🙂 LOL! Perhaps I’ve not been entirely clear. It isn’t, “Why doesn’t she like lingerie?”, it’s, “Why the hostile reaction to it?”. On review of this thread, I think you’ll have to agree that this sentiment is not uncommon . ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/65 "2006-04-11T21:36:13Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > All these things that you wear to get your partner all hot and bothered… Do you ever find yourself wondering, “I know he likes me to wear it, but what’s in it for me?” jewelry. what else? kidding. I think lingerie as a gift from him is awkward. Its sort of like a bottle of wine presented to you to go with dinner, when your dinner plans didn’t include wine or you’ve already selected it. It represents an obligation for sex, and I don’t always feel sexy. And its difficult to fit. But I often buy lingerie that fits me for him. That works well. I get to time it, he gets to enjoy it. Some women enjoy it, some don’t, some find being treated as a sex object (which lingerie encourages) to be ooky, others find it to be empowering. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/66 "2006-04-11T21:39:46Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > Some women enjoy it, some don’t, some find being treated as a sex object (which lingerie encourages) to be ooky, others find it to be empowering. Hey now!!! We’ve all got a good head or steam going here! What’s with the coming in here and being all reasonable and rational? :wally 😃 ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/67 "2006-04-11T21:39:53Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > LOL! > > Perhaps I’ve not been entirely clear. It isn’t, “Why doesn’t she like lingerie?”, it’s, “Why the hostile reaction to it?”. > > On review of this thread, I think you’ll have to agree that this sentiment is not uncommon . Ok-let’s start over. 🙂 I think if you had asked me if I liked wearing lingerie, I would have answered a straight, “not really.” (I have rarely worn a teddy for hubby-he is meh and it didn’t charge me up so it stays rare). If you then said something like, “I think you would be even more beautiful in it”–I might reconsider! 😉 I can see this woman’s point, although IMO she was somewhat aggressive about it. What IS in it for her? You say getting the male partner all hot and bothered just makes the sex that much better. I don’t want to tread on toes here, but that may not have been her experience. Again, the best thing to do would be to ask her why she feels that way. Lingerie IS a popular gift item/fashion choice etc–it’s not like you asked her if she was into some odd kink. I misread this thread as “I like lingerie and my GF doesn’t want to wear it and even asked me what was in it for her and I dont’ get that at all.” Which is a bit different than what you meant, I think. ---
**Author:** ![Lilairen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lilairen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lilairen)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/68 "2006-04-11T21:51:00Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > I understand the reasons regarding lack of physical comfort or general unappeal to the wearer. It’s the accusatory and confrontational (passive aggressive?) - > “What’s in it for me?” that really puzzles me. Have you ever had a partner with a kink you didn’t share, where it came up in your interactions? Doesn’t matter what the kink is, really, for this question, just that one person has it and the other doesn’t. I find that dealing with someone when their kink is showing up is mostly a matter of _humoring_ them – in the “Well, this does nothing for me, but you seem to be enjoying it, so whatever” way. It’s not sexy. It’s not interesting. It doesn’t turn me on, and I still need a partner to do the things that turn _me_ on for sex to be possible or pleasant. Too much of it and the entire interaction takes on a fake plastic feel – no genuine give and take in the relationship, just this interaction of personae. A little humoring is probably necessary to a long-term sexual relationship, mind. But I would seriously hesitate to continue in one where there was a significant kink mismatch, just because “so whatever” is not something I think healthy or sustainable for me to be doing. Which means that I’m not terribly invested in facilitating other people’s kinks – I want the sexual stuff I’m participating in to be as much made up of stuff I enjoy for itself as possible, not full of ‘doing this to make him happy’. The lingerie thing is a kink, that’s all. It’s not a matter of hatred or moral indignation to not share the kink, it’s just not having the kink. This particular kink is a popular/socially-default one, but that doesn’t make it less a kink. (And I suspect some of the irritation expressed could be because of that defaultness; it’s _wearying_ to have to deal with a perceived need to justify not having the “standard” kink-set.) It’s the nature of kinks that some people get 'em and some people don’t; if having the kink expressed matters, then it’s best to find a relationship with someone who shares it or who gets some gratification from fulfilling it. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/69 "2006-04-11T21:51:23Z")
She had the same reaction to me asking her to join me for a run or go skiing some day. She doesn’t ski and doesn’t appear to be much of a runner and that’s okay. I can’t count how many people I’ve taught to ski over the years. I’m very good at it and a really good and patient teacher. As for running, well, it’s something I enjoy to do with a partner once in a while. “What’s in it for me?” - seems to be a running theme with her. 😕 That really sucks because she’s quite exceptional in other ways. Very smart, beautiful, funny… ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/70 "2006-04-11T21:57:43Z")
> [@Lilairen](#): > > Have you ever had a partner with a kink you didn’t share, where it came up in your interactions? Doesn’t matter what the kink is, really, for this question, just that one person has it and the other doesn’t…\ No, I guess I haven’t. That’s an interesting point of view though, and possibly dead on. Thanks. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![sunfish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/96bed5/32.png) [@sunfish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sunfish)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/71 "2006-04-11T22:11:35Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > But doesn’t it seem interesting that a guy (me in this case) almost has to appologize for his visual orientation? It’s like, everybody recognize that there is multi billion dollar industry in lingerie and that many women enjoy wearing it for their partner(s) but for those of us who frown on that sort of thing, we consider your interest in it controlling and generally oogy. If you have the chance to look back through the thread (the SDMB is taking forever to load for me right now), you’ll see in my first post that I don’t have a problem with wearing lingerie that I like, nor do I have a problem wearing it for my guy. Yes, guys are visual, and I’m not above playing to that. 😉 I don’t consider it controlling or generally oogy, nor did I say that, so I’m not sure where this comment comes from. > [@QuickSilver](#): > > It’s not my fault you are not visually wired like most guys and it’s not my fault there is a lack of options for me to wear for your pleasure. Here I think you are missing the point. If you basically shrug and say, “It’s not your fault if you aren’t wired the way I am,” you are coming across as someone who cannot understand that the prospect of getting you excited via lingerie isn’t always going to be enough to turn on the woman you’re with. If on the other hand, you say, “Aha! My making her feel sexy through wandering hands and kisses along her neck = her wearing lingerie for me,” and then act on it, then you come across as more caring and sensitive to your lover’s needs, IMHO. Not exactly tit for tat, do see what I’m saying? As someone else said further upthread, it’s not really possible for us to suss out what the person in your OP was thinking when she made her comment, so who knows whether any of what I just said is relevant to your OP. [QUOTE=QuickSilver] > [@sunfish](#): > > [minor hijack] Anastasaeon, I appreciate your enthusiasm in responding to threads like this, but sometimes … less is more. Just MHO.[/minor hijack] > > Were your sensibilities offended? Why? Nah, my sensibilities were not offended. I’m hardly a delicate flower (says the girl from The Bronx). I’ve just happened to notice that in these sorts of threads, **Anastasaeon** has a tendency to provide more details of her sex life with her husband than is really needed, again IMHO, to get the rest of her answers across. I personally find it a bit odd that her mailbox should be full of thank you emails for describing at length her sexual fantasies, frequency and style of sex, etc., but I suppose stranger things have happened in this world. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/72 "2006-04-11T22:23:23Z")
> [@Seren](#): > > All it takes is a nice little speedo. 🙂 Some things are just always wrong. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/73 "2006-04-11T22:24:46Z")
> [@sunfish](#): > > Nah, my sensibilities were not offended. I’m hardly a delicate flower (says the girl from The Bronx). I’ve just happened to notice that in these sorts of threads, **Anastasaeon** has a tendency to provide more details of her sex life with her husband than is really needed, again IMHO, to get the rest of her answers across. I personally find it a bit odd that her mailbox should be full of thank you emails for describing at length her sexual fantasies, frequency and style of sex, etc., but I suppose stranger things have happened in this world. For the advice. But I think you knew that. The OP asked “What’s in it for you?” and I answered. That’s what’s in it for me. If **QuickSilver** , the OP, has a problem with that, then I will apologise to him. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/74 "2006-04-11T22:25:26Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > She had the same reaction to me asking her to join me for a run or go skiing some day. She doesn’t ski and doesn’t appear to be much of a runner and that’s okay. I can’t count how many people I’ve taught to ski over the years. I’m very good at it and a really good and patient teacher. As for running, well, it’s something I enjoy to do with a partner once in a while. > > “What’s in it for me?” - seems to be a running theme with her. 😕 > > That really sucks because she’s quite exceptional in other ways. Very smart, beautiful, funny… Could be you don’t have much in common. Happens. All the world class blow jobs in the world can’t fix that. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/75 "2006-04-11T22:29:45Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > She had the same reaction to me asking her to join me for a run or go skiing some day. She doesn’t ski and doesn’t appear to be much of a runner and that’s okay. I can’t count how many people I’ve taught to ski over the years. I’m very good at it and a really good and patient teacher. As for running, well, it’s something I enjoy to do with a partner once in a while. > > “What’s in it for me?” - seems to be a running theme with her. 😕 > > That really sucks because she’s quite exceptional in other ways. Very smart, beautiful, funny… Um. Moving on from lingerie–IMO, she seems a wee self centered. I cannot imagine answering the query as to whether I would like to (re)learn how to ski with, “what’s in it for me?” Does she do _anything_ for the hell of it? Or is she using this phrase as an obnoxiously passive/aggressive way to make a point about something else entirely that pissed her off? (you never know!) She sounds high maintenance and not a good communicator…YMMV. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/76 "2006-04-11T22:33:07Z")
> [@sunfish](#): > > If you have the chance to look back through the thread (the SDMB is taking forever to load for me right now), you’ll see in my first post that I don’t have a problem with wearing lingerie that I like, nor do I have a problem wearing it for my guy. Yes, guys are visual, and I’m not above playing to that. 😉 I don’t consider it controlling or generally oogy, nor did I say that, so I’m not sure where this comment comes from. I stand corrected. 🙂 > [@sunfish](#): > > Here I think you are missing the point. If you basically shrug and say, “It’s not your fault if you aren’t wired the way I am,” you are coming across as someone who cannot understand that the prospect of getting you excited via lingerie isn’t always going to be enough to turn on the woman you’re with. Or it may simply be an issue of incompatibility. > [@sunfish](#): > > If on the other hand, you say, “Aha! My making her feel sexy through wandering hands and kisses along her neck = her wearing lingerie for me,” and then act on it, then you come across as more caring and sensitive to your lover’s needs, IMHO. Not exactly tit for tat, do see what I’m saying? Totally. The touching and the kissing and the stroking and the teasing is all part of the program - lingerie not withstanding. I don’t pout or withhold affection to prove a point or get my way. I’m just trying to determine if I’m clearly in the wrong here and somehow failing to appreciate that fact. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/77 "2006-04-11T22:48:06Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > I cannot imagine answering the query as to whether I would like to (re)learn how to ski with, “what’s in it for me?” It puzzled me as well. At first, while just getting to know one another, she simply deflected my offer to go skiing with a “No way. I’ll kill myself!” Which of course is the normal response from most non-skiers. So when I asked again some time later, she seemed a bit irritated and responded with her trade reply. > [@eleanorigby](#): > > Does she do _anything_ for the hell of it? Well, I asked her that. She seemed confused and slightly put off that I’d ask her to do something I typically enjoyed. Like that’s an unreasonable thing to ask of someone who you are actively trying to court. > [@eleanorigby](#): > > Or is she using this phrase as an obnoxiously passive/aggressive way to make a point about something else entirely that pissed her off? (you never know!) I don’t know. I didn’t want to assume the worst. > [@eleanorigby](#): > > She sounds high maintenance and not a good communicator…YMMV. She’s great at conversation and is an excellent writer. It’s just that there doesn’t seem to be much middle ground on subjects that she’s not comfortable with. But I know that I am sometimes eager and excited about the things I enjoy to do and I try to get other people enthusiastic about them too. When I meet with such a vehement reaction, it feels outside the “norm” and I tend to question myself in case I’ve unintentionally over-stepped some boundary in some way. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/78 "2006-04-11T22:52:09Z")
> [@Kalhoun](#): > > All the world class blow jobs in the world can’t fix that. Which is another thing I never quite experienced with her over the few times we’ve been completely intimate in virtually every other way. Hmmm… :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![kimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f0a364/32.png) [@kimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kimera)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/79 "2006-04-11T22:59:07Z")
> [@Anastasaeon](#): > > As for lingerie, god, I _love_ it. I want more of it. I only have a handful of nice outfits - and that’s what they are to me, _outfits_. Costume! Fancy dress! That’s why I buy and wear that stuff. I love cosplaying and it’s fun to get decked out in stuff you normally never wear. I’m a nerdy girl - I almost always go out in tshirts, jeans, sandals, and without a hint of makeup. Every once in a while I like to get all decked out because it makes me feel really feminine and powerful. If a guy expected me to wear that stuff all the time or was only turned on when I wore it, then I would probably dump him. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 11:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/80 "2006-04-11T23:02:05Z")
I realize this is a long shot, but is “What’s in it for me?” a kind of verbal tic with her? Meant to convey different things at different times? For instance: “Would you like to go skiing with me?” “What’s in it for me?” (read: It doesn’t really appeal to me.) “Would you like to go running with me?” “What’s in it for me?” (read: Hell to the no!) “How do you feel about lingerie?” “What’s in it for me?” (read: Convince me, sailor!) In the interest of full disclosure, I don’t care for skiing, loathe running, and am neutral on lingerie, so those parentheticals would be my answers. “What’s in it for me?” depending on tone, could be a suitable substitute for any of them. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226.md?page=5)