# Ladies, what's in it for you? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 11, 2006, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226 "2006-04-11T14:18:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/81 "2006-04-11T23:04:23Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > Which is another thing I never quite experienced with her over the few times we’ve been completely intimate in virtually every other way. > > Hmmm… :dubious: …or maybe she’s just not that into ya! ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Vesper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/c68b51/32.png) [@Vesper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vesper)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/82 "2006-04-11T23:04:32Z")
The underlying theme here seems to be that you are indignant or mystified when she does not want to do the things _you_ want her to do. It simply sounds like you are trying to change her into what you want. Why does she have to do everything you like to do, or that your previous partners have done? I’m sure she feels that way and if so, that would explain why she is annoyed or seems unwilling. If you interpret the fact that she doesn’t enjoy being changed as “incompatibility,” well then I’m afraid you might have a lot to learn about people and relationships. May I ask, what exactly have you done for her or offered her? Do you give her everything _she_ wants? With all this, on top of your demeaning and insulting blow job comment, I gather the issue at hand is that she likely is too good for you. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/83 "2006-04-11T23:07:26Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > I realize this is a long shot, but is “What’s in it for me?” a kind of verbal tic with her? Meant to convey different things at different times? I’m good at many things, even particularly good at a some, but a mind reader I am not. ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/84 "2006-04-11T23:09:20Z")
> [@kimera](#): > > That’s why I buy and wear that stuff. I love cosplaying and it’s fun to get decked out in stuff you normally never wear. I’m a nerdy girl - I almost always go out in tshirts, jeans, sandals, and without a hint of makeup. Every once in a while I like to get all decked out because it makes me feel really feminine and powerful. If a guy expected me to wear that stuff all the time or was only turned on when I wore it, then I would probably dump him. Aye. I only do it for fun. The moment it’s not fun anymore, it’s time to speak up. Hopefully not in a passive agressive way like, “Okay, Mr. Stasaeon, tell me: what’s in this for me, anyway?” :dubious: 😛 **Dangerosa** and **eleanorigby** summed up what I meant in a far more succinct manner. Well, okay, maybe **eleanor** wasn’t precisely “succinct”, but I agree with her anyway. 😃 Particularly what \*\*eleanor \*\* suggests about the passive agressiveness. I was loathe to bring it up in my larger post, since I hate to paint someone I don’t know with that brush, but as more and more comes out, it _may_ be the case. I still say it’s time to sit down and have a serious talk - more than sex is involved here, it seems. IMHO, of course, from only one side of the story. (I’m on my way out the door, so if I came across the wrong way, I… uh… I meant everything in the best way possible!) ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/85 "2006-04-11T23:29:33Z")
> [@Vesper](#): > > The underlying theme here seems to be that you are indignant or mystified when she does not want to do the things _you_ want her to do. It simply sounds like you are trying to change her into what you want. Why does she have to do everything you like to do, or that your previous partners have done? I’m sure she feels that way and if so, that would explain why she is annoyed or seems unwilling. > > If you interpret the fact that she doesn’t enjoy being changed as “incompatibility,” well then I’m afraid you might have a lot to learn about people and relationships. > > May I ask, what exactly have you done for her or offered her? Do you give her everything _she_ wants? > > With all this, on top of your demeaning and insulting blow job comment, I gather the issue at hand is that she likely is too good for you. If I didn’t know any better, and I don’t, you may as well be her. But because you took the time to ask and seem to take particular joy in being offended by my posts… What have I done?: (N.B. It’s a long distance relationship so we could not be together as much as we’d like) -For many months, made sure there was a warm good morning greeting in her email box \*every day \* before she even got up. -Made sure I always wished her sweet dreams at night. -Maintained daily email conversations as time permited from work and later from home -Remembered her birthday (not a medal earning feat but at least thoughtful) -Asked for and took her advice on some personal things and expressed my appreciation. -Worried for and with her when she had learned of an important medical condition which ended up being a false alarm. Was supportive and encouraging and thrilled when the good news came. -Sent flowers for Valentines when we both agreed that V-day was a big fraud. -Packed all the ingredients and made us a romantic dinner at her place. -Treated her like royalty when she visited me. -Was a gentleman in every way possible and imaginable. And not once… not a single time did I MAKE her come for a run or go skiing or skydiving or anything else I might imagine to be exciting to share. Feeling stir crazy one day, I asked her if she’d like to go for a walk just to stretch our legs a bit (and recover) and she shot the idea down. So we did precisely what she enjoyed doing, which was staying in and lounging around in bed or sofa with frequent interludes of sex (not complaining about the latter at all). So thank you very much Vesper for your astute observations so far. :rolleyes: I’ll respect the board rules and not say exactly what I’m thinking. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/86 "2006-04-11T23:50:49Z")
All the ads are for sexy high heels etc. 😛 Hey! I am TOO succinct, when I want to be. so there, nyah. Is she saying this phrase in a teasing, flirty way or more like the old Polish ladies in the school cafeteria lunch line? It matters. I could see “what’s in it for me?” as sexy as hell. OR “I’m ready to pick a HUGE fight with you-and no, there won’t be make up sex at the end of it.” Or maybe sometimes one, sometimes the other. (and you walk on water with me with the sending the flowers on Valentine’s Day even though you both had said it’s bogus etc.) Am I really too verbose here(SDMB)? gah. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Vesper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/c68b51/32.png) [@Vesper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vesper)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/87 "2006-04-11T23:54:10Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > If I didn’t know any better, and I don’t, you may as well be her. > > But because you took the time to ask and seem to take particular joy in being offended by my posts… > > … > So thank you very much Vesper for your astute observations so far. :rolleyes: > > I’ll respect the board rules and not say exactly what I’m thinking. No need for childish retaliation or insinuations. I gave you my impressions based on what you contributed to this thread, as have everyone else. And yes, as already mentioned by several of us your attitudes toward the women in your life have tended to be offensive or selfish at times. This just appears to be yet another repetition of that. Pardon me but, as a woman and a thinking person, it gets me riled. Why open such personal issues to the board if you are not interested in opinions? It seems you merely want justification for your behavior rather than advice, which we all actually were trying to make some effort to give in spite of the lack of details. Instead you retaliate against the people who disagree with you and embrace those who reinforce your position. Perhaps you’d be better off journaling if you don’t want opinions. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/88 "2006-04-12T00:07:04Z")
:dubious: **Vesper** , please feel free to avail yourself of the option to ignore any and all of my posts, present and future. I will not feel slighted in the least nor will your angry and insecure point of view be missed. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/89 "2006-04-12T00:09:50Z")
> [@Kalhoun](#): > > …or maybe she’s just not that into ya! ☹ Well, no, not now. ☹ Things have been on the decline for a little while now. We just can’t get on the same page about a few issues. ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/90 "2006-04-12T00:10:01Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > Hey! I am TOO succinct, when I want to be. so there, nyah. > > \ > > Am I really too verbose here(SDMB)? gah. :eek: I’m only playing with ya. I love your posts, no matter how long they are. 🙂 And you can’t be any worse than _me_. Cripes, I take an _hour_ to say, “In other words, I agree.” 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/91 "2006-04-12T00:15:04Z")
> [@AHunter3](#): > > If some woman happens to feel most at ease with herself when wearing spring-loaded contraptions around waist and upper thigh, elasticized serving trays that lift boobage up and skrunch it together like someone trying to demonstrate static electricity with two balloons on a dry day, and underpants with the leg holes up to her armpits, who am I to tell her she shouldn’t? Speaking as a large-breasted woman, those “elasticized serving trays” are a godsend. These things are HEAVY and they bounce and they’re very sensitive. Going braless can be quite painful. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/92 "2006-04-12T00:15:25Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > Is she saying this phrase in a teasing, flirty way or more like the old Polish ladies in the school cafeteria lunch line? > > It matters. It sure does. The tone is unmistakable suspicious about my motives? What possible ominous motives could I have in asking her to ski/run/wear lingerie? If there are sinister motives associated with these activities, they escape me completely. 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/93 "2006-04-12T00:17:00Z")
Oh, and just to add, not ALL sexy lingerie is uncomfortable. Little silky camisols and baby dolls can be nice and comfy. They’re loose yet fitted, the silk is nice and soft, and they’re lightweight. (BTW, corsets and bustiers CAN be comfortable as well. They provide much needed support.) ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/94 "2006-04-12T00:19:24Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > Oh, and just to add, not ALL sexy lingerie is uncomfortable. Little silky camisols and baby dolls can be nice and comfy. They’re loose yet fitted, the silk is nice and soft, and they’re lightweight. > (BTW, corsets and bustiers CAN be comfortable as well. They provide much needed support.) Stop. \… You had me at hello… \ … you had me at hello. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Oy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bc8723/32.png) [@Oy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oy)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/95 "2006-04-12T00:20:28Z")
Well, **Vesper** , it sure seems to hell like you’re piling on **QS** to _me_, and I’m another woman. I’ve seen absolutely \*nothing \* in his posts to indicate that he was demanding that which she didn’t want to give, or believing that all the giving should go in one direction, and certainly \*nothing \* he has said would justify the really quite nasty remark that it sounds like she’s too good for him. Au contraire, as a matter of fact, it sounds like he’s the one making all the effort here, and I felt that way before he listed all the things he’s done. It seems to me like you’re \*looking \* for that selfish attitude in men, and if you go looking for something hard enough, you’ll find evidence for it - WMD in Iraq, anyone? **QuickSilver** , anyone who responds not once but twice to a suggestion for mutual entertainment not with, “I’m really not into that at all, and don’t want to go there at all,” but rather “what’s in it for me?” sounds to me too calculating to be a good long term prospect, at least for me. I personally don’t keep a balance sheet in a relationship; if over the long run I’m not getting what I want, I discuss it and/or get out. Other people may not feel that way, and that’s just fine for them, but this would not be someone with whom _I_ would want to be involved, regardless of how she meant the words. Caveat: with the exception that I think \*\*EleanorRigby \*\* (but I may be remembering wrong and I’m too lazy to go back and see) mentioned: that that response to a question about lingerie could imply a very sexy challenge, but I think that would have been obvious to you had it been the case. ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/96 "2006-04-12T00:30:20Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > It sure does. The tone is unmistakable suspicious about my motives? What possible ominous motives could I have in asking her to ski/run/wear lingerie? If there are sinister motives associated with these activities, they escape me completely. 😕 Is she a fan of Walter Mathau? Is she financially well off? Is she a nerd? Walter Mathau made a film in the '70’s about a man who wooed and won a VERY nerdy, geeky wealthy woman–and he wanted to kill her and keep her money. He took her mountain climbing to push her off a cliff (instead she discovered a new species of fern) and of course, he grew to love her and then when he realizes that–her life truly IS in danger. Sjhe is of course clueless thru the whole thing of his ulterior motives etc. good movie. I have no idea of the title. Her suspicions of what must surely be light hearted entertainment must have some basis, if only her own neuroses… Now, if you had asked her to run whilst wearing lingerie–that’s right out, that is. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/97 "2006-04-12T00:36:14Z")
> [@Oy!](#): > > I personally don’t keep a balance sheet in a relationship; Neither do I. It takes me a really long time to come to this kind of point. And even when I do, I’m obsessively exhaustive about trying to figure out if the fault is mine. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/98 "2006-04-12T00:40:48Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > Now, if you had asked her to run whilst wearing lingerie–that’s right out, that is. 😃 Good lord, no! I’d never ask anyone to run in lucite heels. They’d get shin splints. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/99 "2006-04-12T00:41:09Z")
It sort of sounds like you guys have bigger problems. “What’s in it for me?” isn’t a good answer. A relationship is about compromise. Let’s take skiing…answers that work for me: “Well, I only tried to ski once, and I was horrible at it, but I’m game!” “I’m willing to give it a shot because you enjoy it.” “You know, skiing doesn’t do anything for me. I’m afraid I’d kill myself. But I know you enjoy it, so you should certainly do it without me.” (Note, at this point you don’t press) Answers that don’t work for me: “What’s in it for me?” ---
**Author:** ![Oy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bc8723/32.png) [@Oy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oy)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2006, 11:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226/100 "2006-04-12T11:26:00Z")
> [@eleanorigby](#): > > Is she a fan of Walter Mathau? Is she financially well off? Is she a nerd? Walter Mathau made a film in the '70’s about a man who wooed and won a VERY nerdy, geeky wealthy woman–and he wanted to kill her and keep her money. He took her mountain climbing to push her off a cliff (instead she discovered a new species of fern) and of course, he grew to love her and then when he realizes that–her life truly IS in danger. Sjhe is of course clueless thru the whole thing of his ulterior motives etc. good movie. > > I have no idea of the title. > > 😃 [A New Leaf](http://www.bostonphoenix.com/boston/movies/reviews/documents/02230921.htm), written and directed by Elaine May. Delightful movie! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-in-it-for-you/352226.md?page=6)