# Ladies: What's up with: "He makes me feel safe..." **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 11, 2006, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-up-with-he-makes-me-feel-safe/339475 "2006-01-11T12:39:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2006, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-up-with-he-makes-me-feel-safe/339475/21 "2006-01-11T21:33:32Z")
Lots of folks have addressed the various things that “safe” can mean, but I don’t think anyone has addressed this yet: > [@SHAKES](#): > > I mean, do you gals constantly walk around in fear thinking something bad is going to happen to you or what? > [@](#): > > It just got me to thinking: Do women constantly have to feel so defensive? In my experience, when a woman says “he makes me feel safe” I don’t think she means that she doesn’t feel safe without him; I think there’s an unspoken end to that statement of “as opposed to someone else, who I might not feel safe with.” Some guys give off not-so-safe vibes: whether you make someone feel safe is often as compared to them, not compared to the woman’s inherent sense of safety or security. It might be more accurate to say “I _continue to_ feel safe when I’m with him.” Don’t get me wrong, it’s definitely a good thing if a woman feels safe with you, but it’s not like you’re a sea of safety in her otherwise defensive, frightened life (what a fucked-up chick _that_ would be!). ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2006, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-up-with-he-makes-me-feel-safe/339475/22 "2006-01-11T21:45:46Z")
> [@Zebra](#): > > Are you going to be attacked by bears at the movie theatre? Only at _Brokeback Mountain._ ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2006, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-up-with-he-makes-me-feel-safe/339475/23 "2006-01-11T23:05:21Z")
> [@Cervaise](#): > > Only at _Brokeback Mountain._ Hahahahaha! 😃 Of course, if you’re not familiar with the part of the country I’m from, attacked by bears is a fairly real fear, within just a few miles of here. ---
**Author:** ![cbawlmer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/71e660/32.png) [@cbawlmer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cbawlmer)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2006, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-up-with-he-makes-me-feel-safe/339475/24 "2006-01-12T00:04:24Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > It might be more accurate to say “I _continue to_ feel safe when I’m with him.” Don’t get me wrong, it’s definitely a good thing if a woman feels safe with you, but it’s not like you’re a sea of safety in her otherwise defensive, frightened life (what a fucked-up chick _that_ would be!). Sometimes it can be scary being a lone female too. When I was single I never let fear deter me from doing what I wanted to do, but it’s nice to know that when my husband is there, I have backup just in case. He’s my tall, strong teddy bear. Anybody could have someone try to kidnap them in the Wal-Mart parking lot, but it’s probably less likely to happen with a big, imposing guy standing right there. However, he mostly gives me the emotional safety and security mentioned above, which is something I definitely never had as a kid. And he’ll kill bugs if necessary. That’s a big plus. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![sjc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e5b9ba/32.png) [@sjc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sjc)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2006, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-up-with-he-makes-me-feel-safe/339475/25 "2006-01-12T00:50:00Z")
I’m a man and I like a woman who can make me feel safe. Mostly it’s about emotional safety, but I also want to feel physically safe. ---
**Author:** ![Antigen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/848f3c/32.png) [@Antigen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antigen)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2006, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-up-with-he-makes-me-feel-safe/339475/26 "2006-01-12T01:13:02Z")
> [@irishgirl](#): > > “Safe” meaning he gives you the warm fuzzies when he holds you, like the rest of the world doesn’t matter and that everything is going to be alright when he’s there. That’s exactly it. When I’m in his arms, everything is right again. I feel happy and loved and safe. I don’t really know why the word “safe” applies, but it’s really what I feel. I just know that he’d never let anything happen to me. _Damn_, it’s hard having a boyfriend who lives 500 miles away. ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2006, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-up-with-he-makes-me-feel-safe/339475/27 "2006-01-12T01:14:32Z")
It isn’t physical safety so much with me (I’m a great big thing who can usually take care of herself pretty well in that regard) as emotional safety. So many people give the impression that it isn’t safe to show your “real” self to them, for whatever reason. Someone who makes me feel that I can really be me makes me feel safe. ---
**Author:** ![Nic2004](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/4491bb/32.png) [@Nic2004](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nic2004)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2006, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-up-with-he-makes-me-feel-safe/339475/28 "2006-01-12T01:22:41Z")
I am really glad to hear so many women feel this way with their men. It is my honor and one of my proudest moments to hear my wife describe me that way to someone she is speaking with; feeling safest when I am near. And she is. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2006, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-up-with-he-makes-me-feel-safe/339475/29 "2006-01-12T03:34:36Z")
I look for the same thing in a BF, too. And it is all about the emotional safety. You are always on a low-level guard when you’re with anyone. With Tom, I felt safer than I felt even when I was by myself. ---
**Author:** ![kiz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/7feea3/32.png) [@kiz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kiz)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2006, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-up-with-he-makes-me-feel-safe/339475/30 "2006-01-12T03:57:51Z")
“Feeling safe” also has a lot to do with trust. For those of us who have many issues concerning it for whatever reason, safety is probably the most important aspect of the relationship. I’ve only felt 100% safe with two men my entire life – my father and my husband. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [January 12, 2006, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-up-with-he-makes-me-feel-safe/339475/31 "2006-01-12T04:45:01Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > Lots of folks have addressed the various things that “safe” can mean, but I don’t think anyone has addressed this yet: > > In my experience, when a woman says “he makes me feel safe” I don’t think she means that she doesn’t feel safe without him; I think there’s an unspoken end to that statement of “as opposed to someone else, who I might not feel safe with.” Some guys give off not-so-safe vibes: whether you make someone feel safe is often as compared to them, not compared to the woman’s inherent sense of safety or security. It might be more accurate to say “I _continue to_ feel safe when I’m with him.” Don’t get me wrong, it’s definitely a good thing if a woman feels safe with you, but it’s not like you’re a sea of safety in her otherwise defensive, frightened life (what a fucked-up chick _that_ would be!). I think this is well put. I think these are good observations. ---
**Author:** ![thanata.anna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5fc32e/32.png) [@thanata.anna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thanata.anna)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2006, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-up-with-he-makes-me-feel-safe/339475/32 "2006-01-13T04:43:19Z")
> [@irishgirl](#): > > “Safe” meaning, accepted, loved, wanted, needed, desired. > “Safe” meaning secure in the relationship. > “Safe” meaning protected from stress and all the “bad things” that happened during the day. > “Safe” meaning he gives you the warm fuzzies when he holds you, like the rest of the world doesn’t matter and that everything is going to be alright when he’s there. > “Safe”- like a security blanket rather than a taser. I think this explains it perfectly. Being able to be emotionally honest with someone who will then tell you they love you and give you a hug- it’s reassuring that its okay to be you, that the person you honestly are under all the pretenses that we put on the rest of the time, is a lovable person. If that makes sense. > [@SHAKES](#): > > I mean, do you gals constantly walk around in fear thinking something bad is going to happen to you or what? Yes. Well, I grew up with a crisis manager for a mother, and the way she knew how to deal with things- anything- was to make it into a drastic emergency. With that kind of atmosphere, my thought process was sort of trained to watch for possible crises. Which then developed into a very nearly crippling anxiety disorder. What fun. And the environment outside my house didn’t help either- pretty violent, grimy, crime-filled inner city ghetto. So yes, that’s how my life goes. Safe is good. Very, very good. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-whats-up-with-he-makes-me-feel-safe/339475.md?page=1)