# Ladies: when does "bad in bed" become a deal breaker? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 3, 2004, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-when-does-bad-in-bed-become-a-deal-breaker/238099 "2004-04-03T20:51:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Tir\_Tinuviel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bc79bd/32.png) [@Tir\_Tinuviel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tir_Tinuviel)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2004, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-when-does-bad-in-bed-become-a-deal-breaker/238099/41 "2004-04-05T15:23:03Z")
> [@Zjestika](#): > > I love that advice! Sex is funny, and I love that! Sex is amazingly funny! All those squishy and rude noises, the funny expresions, bits wobbling in strange ways, the sudden attacks of cramp at exactly the wrong moment, all the interruptions (phone ringing - people banging on the wall, panicing the cat), the things that distract you like hearing people talking outside and wondering if you too left the iron on. Impromptu sex with the TV on and someone says something funny, falling off the bed/table, falling asleep halfway through, sneezing, coughing, and all the rest… It’s a wonder we manage to get off on it at all! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Soapbox\_Monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Soapbox\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soapbox_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2004, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-when-does-bad-in-bed-become-a-deal-breaker/238099/42 "2004-04-05T18:36:46Z")
> [@Jenaroph](#): > > If it comes up in conversation beforehand, like if you responsibly want to make sure about lack of venereal diseases, that’s great. If you get into the heat of the moment and you haven’t told her, then when you’re starting to pull clothes off, it’s not too late to say “There’s something you should probably know…” laugh a bit about it, and it’ll take some pressure off of her as well. _If_ it comes up in conversation before hand? LOL It’s gonna come up LOOOONG before that I assure you. Not first or second date or anything like that, but I plan on making it known that I’m a virgin and asking if she is or is not long before it gets serious physically. ---
**Author:** ![dublos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f08c70/32.png) [@dublos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dublos)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2004, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-when-does-bad-in-bed-become-a-deal-breaker/238099/43 "2004-04-05T20:33:17Z")
> [@nyctea scandiaca](#): > > Slight hijack: that brings up another question. Men: what makes a woman bad in bed? And is that a deal-breaker? I’ll take these in reverse order. The onlyl deal-breaker is not being willing/interested in learning what I like at the same time I’m learning what you like. Even if it’s fantastic from the start the first time can always be improved on. If i’m working on keeping the romance alive outside of the bedroom and learnign what you like inside the bedroom it had better be a two way street. What makes a woman bad in bed… My current top dislike… unbalanced talking dirty. If your talking dirty is all “Deeper, harder, faster” and not enough “Oh yes, just like that… that feels good!” then I’m going to develop a complex about not getting the job done even if you have fantastic and obvious orgrams and assure me afterwards that it was great. Also, I never even hope to expect orgasmic parity, we’re not biologically set up that way, but if I’m not getting even one? That’s not likely to lead to enthusiastic repeat encounters. Admitted that this can happen because I have the opposite problem. I’m anything but premature. And I know it’s 99.99 percent mental… during intercourse I have to feel fully assured that she’s satisfied before i can let myself get there. If I’m close and it starts sounding like she’s getting close to orgasm (first or next) I will delay mine till she’s gotten there and sometimes that means that the moment is lost for me till we take a break and start again. ---
**Author:** ![voguevixen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b5ac83/32.png) [@voguevixen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/voguevixen)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2004, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-when-does-bad-in-bed-become-a-deal-breaker/238099/44 "2004-04-05T22:11:01Z")
Wow, I seem to have experienced half the lovemaking issues in this thread…with the same man! lol. When my husband and I were dating, we had the whole “input exceeds alloted receptacle” issue. At some point I was able to _cough_ accomodate him and it turned out there was a…um…_retarded ejaculation_ issue. (This is the actual term for it, I DID research it heavily at the time.) At some point we were absentmindedly grinding away (and getting nowhere) and there was an actual, real, live earthquake. (We are in the San Francisco area.) We started laughing uproariously and pretty much agreed “there, the earth moved. Let’s call it a night.” (For more “ha-ha funny” moments I think you should track down the thread “Funniest moments during lovemaking” or something. I think the thread starter was Whammo, who at some point had gotten himself banned. There are fall-out-of-your-chair funny things in that thread.) Well, I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but since I have only two weeks left of posting and it might actually help someone: You can completely suck at sex and it will not be a dealbreaker…_for the right woman_. I hate to say this, but my husband is bad at sex. BAD! I used to think it was me, because I was raised Catholic and was taught “everything fun that involves taking your clothes off will send you straight to hell.” For a long time I felt like I had to be drunk as an “excuse” to enjoy sex. (“Oh I just wasn’t myself…tee hee!”) etc. And then as I got older and had the benefit of experiencing pornography (haha) I eventually came out of my shell. My husband (despite being 10 years my senior) never quite caught up. One of the last times we actually HAD sex I was really “close” and said something like “oh touch me!” (I hope I don’t have to explain WHERE I wanted him to touch me?) Anyway, he put a comradely hand on my shoulder. WTF!!! I think I sat up and said “are you kidding me?” That was downright JARRING! (HINT! When a woman murmurs something to you during intimacy, it most likely involves something INTIMATE! Make a note.) The long and the short of it is: I love my husband. I’m happy I married him. Every so often something will come up on the news and we’ll have the exact same response and I am comforted by the fact that we have the same values and sense of humor and general view on the world at large. It is WONDERFUL to go through life like that and makes something like sex seem like not such an issue. When we do have sex ( just so you don’t think it’s fallen by the wayside) we do it with a sort of “hey, maybe someone will enjoy this this time” attitude. We are not “beautiful people” and I’d be lying if I said the way my husband looks turns me on, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love him to death and would do anything to make him happy. If a George Clooney or Matthew MacConaughey showed up at my doorstep to whisk me away chances are that although they excited me greatly in a sexual way, I would not be able to deal with talking to them for more than was considered polite conversation. (I have often said Matthew Macconaughey is the sexiest man alive - until he opens his mouth.) There are people you love, and there are people you have sex with, and there are people you enjoy sex with, and there are people you love to have sex with and there are people you love that you ENJOY sex with (this is the ideal!) but you have to consider what is the right combo for you, and what really matters. Keep in mind when you’re 70 years old (or whatever) is your focus going to be “can I still get women off?” or “does this woman agree with me about the consarn whippersnappers!?” I say this because you seem to be concerned about repeat dates/a relationship with someone. There is more to a relationship than sex. You can have awesome sex with someone and never want to see them again because they clash with your values/have BO/are republican (joke!) or whatever. You can have amazing sex ALONE if it’s important to you, but to find someone to weather LIFE with, sex or no, is something much MUCH more important. Thanks for posting this, BTW. As it’s allowed me to work through some issues of my own. ---
**Author:** ![voguevixen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b5ac83/32.png) [@voguevixen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/voguevixen)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2004, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-when-does-bad-in-bed-become-a-deal-breaker/238099/45 "2004-04-05T22:39:12Z")
Funny lovemaking, etc thread was threadspotted here: [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=24960](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=24960) ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2004, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-when-does-bad-in-bed-become-a-deal-breaker/238099/46 "2004-04-05T22:41:45Z")
What an interesting thread! As a person of the female persuasion, I’d have to side with **CrazyCatLady** - it depends largely upon the situation. My biggest problem during sex, however, has been that many guys seem to assume that if something feels good, if they do it a lot harder or deeper, it’ll feel even better. For example, if I’m enjoying a kiss with a little tongue, and enjoying it very much, chances are that using your tongue as a plunger won’t feel even better - it will either choke me or make me pull away. Similarly, if you’re massaging some part of my anatomy and I groan, saying “God, that feels so good,” it probably won’t feel even better if you employ some sort of Vulcan death-grip to said anatomy. In fact, depending upon where you’re gripping, it may hurt. A lot. More is not always better. ---
**Author:** ![Queen\_Tonya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/4491bb/32.png) [@Queen\_Tonya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queen_Tonya)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2004, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-when-does-bad-in-bed-become-a-deal-breaker/238099/47 "2004-04-05T22:59:36Z")
> [@Soapbox Monkey](#): > > I don’t have a debit and/or credit card, which hinders me from spending any money on the net. Is that all? Whew, I thought you were religiously opposed or something! 😛 I’d be happy to help you, or else I’ll never know how well all this grand advice worked out, oy! Email me at qt4262001 at yahoo .com and we’ll work it out. I’ve heard being sponsored only hurts the first time, btw. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/i_love_me_vol.i/32/521_2.png) [@I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_Love_Me_Vol.I)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2004, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-when-does-bad-in-bed-become-a-deal-breaker/238099/48 "2004-04-05T23:11:18Z")
Earlier **Soapbox** asked: > [@](#): > > What kind of time frame are we talking about here, as far as what constitutes a premature ejaculator? Did anyone answer that? I am curious about that too. ---
**Author:** ![Daizy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/46a35a/32.png) [@Daizy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daizy)\ **Post date:** [April 5, 2004, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-when-does-bad-in-bed-become-a-deal-breaker/238099/49 "2004-04-05T23:37:48Z")
Great thread! Not to continue with the hijack, but **voguevixen** , I noticed you said you only had 2 weeks left of posting. Would you consider staying? I’d be thrilled to help? Drop me a note at neophyte200 at [yahoo.com](http://yahoo.com). I’d miss your postings. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![voguevixen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b5ac83/32.png) [@voguevixen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/voguevixen)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-when-does-bad-in-bed-become-a-deal-breaker/238099/50 "2004-04-06T00:27:35Z")
Do you know, I was just waiting whorishly for someone to beg me to stay. Scince someone actually noticed, I guess I’ll pony up the dough. 😉 (Thank you!) ---
**Author:** ![Soapbox\_Monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Soapbox\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soapbox_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-when-does-bad-in-bed-become-a-deal-breaker/238099/51 "2004-04-06T00:50:41Z")
Wow, I’ve already received three offers, I feel the love. 😃 And I’ve already accepted one from silenus. Looks like I’m staying! 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Daizy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/46a35a/32.png) [@Daizy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daizy)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-when-does-bad-in-bed-become-a-deal-breaker/238099/52 "2004-04-06T03:13:12Z")
> [@](#): > > And I’ve already accepted one from silenus. Looks like I’m staying! That’s fabulous news! And you as well \*\*Voguevixen! \*\* 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Starguard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8dc957/32.png) [@Starguard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Starguard)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 12:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-when-does-bad-in-bed-become-a-deal-breaker/238099/53 "2004-04-06T12:11:16Z")
I’ve heard somewhere once that a woman can tell how big a mans penis is by the size of his feet…is this true? ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 12:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-when-does-bad-in-bed-become-a-deal-breaker/238099/54 "2004-04-06T12:26:54Z")
There’s a reason all the ladies swoon when they see my Size 13s, **Starguard**. ---
**Author:** ![Soapbox\_Monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Soapbox\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soapbox_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-when-does-bad-in-bed-become-a-deal-breaker/238099/55 "2004-04-06T17:24:31Z")
Well, I wear size 13s, so I can pretty much debunk that theory. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![whiterabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/cab0a1/32.png) [@whiterabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whiterabbit)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-when-does-bad-in-bed-become-a-deal-breaker/238099/56 "2004-04-06T19:18:06Z")
Speaking as a small woman, hon, size isn’t everything. (Can anybody say “OUCH!”) Don’t let the world convince you that bigger automatically equals better. Also speaking for myself, I’m more concerned about the man attached to the penis, not the penis that happens to be attached to the man. ---
**Author:** ![Scuba\_Ben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/278dde/32.png) [@Scuba\_Ben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scuba_Ben)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-when-does-bad-in-bed-become-a-deal-breaker/238099/57 "2004-04-06T20:55:20Z")
**Soapbox Monkey** , I’m going to share with you one piece of advice that was published in _The Washington Post_’s “Tell Me About It (Advice for the Under-30 Crowd)” on 3/21/04. > [@](#): > > But you won’t hate it {discussing sexual history with a partner} anywhere near as much as you’ll hate the consequences of having sex with someone with whom you can’t even have conversations. With that said, based on what I’ve seen from your various posts of the past several months, I suggest you select one of two options. One choice for you is to hire a professional, and pay them to teach you the arts of love. In plainer language, you may choose to see a sex therapist. The other choice for you is to address your issues of self confidence, with an end goal that your future partner will care more about you **as a person** than as a sexual partner. In this case, your partner would gladly help you figure things out, and support you if you, ah, come up dry. In plainer language, you may choose to see a psychologist. I encourage you to consider two factors in your decision, and I would like to hear from you about these points. 1. The first approach addresses skills. The second approach addresses personality and world-view. Which approach will be of greater overall benefit to you? 2. What will your college health fee cover, with no further costs to you? If the school will only cover one approach, what realistic options do you have to pay for the other approach? As an aside – the first time a woman asked me to talk dirty to her, my immediate response was “Mud. Dirt.” I’m not sure if this gets a smiley or a frownie. ---
**Author:** ![Medea\_s\_Child](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8baadc/32.png) [@Medea\_s\_Child](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Medea_s_Child)\ **Post date:** [April 6, 2004, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-when-does-bad-in-bed-become-a-deal-breaker/238099/58 "2004-04-06T23:48:32Z")
> [@Soapbox Monkey](#): > > Ugh… > > In my mind, failing the first time is not an option. Whoever I’m with will have likely been with at LEAST one guy before, possibly more (I am 19 after all) so she will probably know her stuff, unfortunately. ☹ > > That alone is gonna make it hard enough for her to get me in bed the first time, and should I blow it (no pun intended), it would probably be months before she could convince me to give in another try. ☹ Please don’t put this pressure on yourself. Please. Sex is supposed to be fun, not a burden, not a responcibility, not a huge deal. Just fun. I’ve been the girl in this situation, the guy was so spazzed he just wanted to walk out and leave it. I’m incredibly thankful I got him to stay. We cuddled, we laughed, we chatted, he calmed down and got into the spirit of sex with me as opposed to some momentous event. The boy is one of the best I’ve ever had the privledge to be in bed with. He listens with his whole body to me, and that sensitivity and care makes for a really, really good time. As for the what makes guys bad in bed question - not paying attention. Being selfish. I’ll take care of your needs, you take care of mine is a much better deal than the other way around. Generally that. I’m personally hugely experimental, so guys that can’t match that are probably not a good fit for me personally, but that doesn’t make them bad at what they will do. Not understanding that there is no right way to have sex, that its just fun. (Not to say its not personal, intence, meaningful fun, but it certainly isn’t an activity to be faced with solemn faces and vast rituals.) And on premature ejaculation or occassional malfunctions…be understanding about my momentary weirdnesses and I’ll be understanding about yours. Its not something to freakout about, its something to offer to swap backrubs about. (Or give me head. I like head.) ---
**Author:** ![Soapbox\_Monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed655f/32.png) [@Soapbox\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soapbox_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2004, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-when-does-bad-in-bed-become-a-deal-breaker/238099/59 "2004-04-07T22:30:11Z")
_bump_ Rather than start lots of sex threads like I have done in the past, I think it would be best if I just use this as…drumroll please… THE OFFICIAL SOAPBOX MONKEY SEX THREAD That being said, I now need to think of more questions. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2004, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-when-does-bad-in-bed-become-a-deal-breaker/238099/60 "2004-04-07T22:49:31Z")
> [@Soapbox Monkey](#): > > ]In my mind, failing the first time is not an option. Whoever I’m with will have likely been with at LEAST one guy before, possibly more (I am 19 after all) so she will probably know her stuff, unfortunately. Umm… You’d be surprised at the age of some virgins… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-when-does-bad-in-bed-become-a-deal-breaker/238099.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ladies-when-does-bad-in-bed-become-a-deal-breaker/238099.md?page=4)