# Lady dopers. If getting married would you find a pre-nup request offensive or not? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 8, 2004, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lady-dopers-if-getting-married-would-you-find-a-pre-nup-request-offensive-or-not/273650 "2004-11-08T15:18:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lady-dopers-if-getting-married-would-you-find-a-pre-nup-request-offensive-or-not/273650/1 "2004-11-08T15:18:07Z")
[I was reading this and wondered](http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6416908/) Are pre-nups de rigueur for professional couples these days? If marring a person of means, would you find a pre-nup requirement offensive, or understand it as prudent precaution given the near 50% failure rate of marriages these days? ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lady-dopers-if-getting-married-would-you-find-a-pre-nup-request-offensive-or-not/273650/2 "2004-11-08T15:24:44Z")
I think it’s very prudent, especially since divorce laws are still geared to help the helpless female. (And I’m female, and saying this). I think it’s silly that a man should be made to pay alimony to a wife with no kids, when the divorce was amicable. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lady-dopers-if-getting-married-would-you-find-a-pre-nup-request-offensive-or-not/273650/3 "2004-11-08T15:28:00Z")
Both. Emotionally, I would feel stung. Intellectually, I’d understand the logic and the need. The intellectual side would win out, and I’d sign. But it’d be easier if my love was a bit apologetic and offered extra chocolate to take the sting away! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![lee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lee/32/7455_2.png) [@lee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lee)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lady-dopers-if-getting-married-would-you-find-a-pre-nup-request-offensive-or-not/273650/4 "2004-11-08T15:53:57Z")
I can’t imagine entering a _first_ marriage that was anything except complete and headlong we-are-one-now-joint-account-forever-together. I am not saying pre nups are wrong or unwise, just that I can’t imagine entering a first marriage with enough cynism to ask someone to sign one or marrying anyone who was not as committed to the marriage as a pig is to breakfast. ---
**Author:** ![smartini](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/22d042/32.png) [@smartini](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smartini)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lady-dopers-if-getting-married-would-you-find-a-pre-nup-request-offensive-or-not/273650/5 "2004-11-08T15:58:00Z")
What **Elenia28** and **WhyNot** said 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lady-dopers-if-getting-married-would-you-find-a-pre-nup-request-offensive-or-not/273650/6 "2004-11-08T15:58:36Z")
When we married, we were both broke. We have worked ourselves up to a desperate state of poverty. ---
**Author:** ![ruadh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d2c977/32.png) [@ruadh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ruadh)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lady-dopers-if-getting-married-would-you-find-a-pre-nup-request-offensive-or-not/273650/7 "2004-11-08T16:19:50Z")
I make more money than my SO does, and I hardly make any money, so if he asked me for a pre-nup I would be laughing too hard to be offended. If he somehow came into a lot of money, though, and then asked me for a pre-nup, I’d probably walk. If you that’s how little you trust your future spouse, why the hell are you marrying them anyway? ---
**Author:** ![ruadh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d2c977/32.png) [@ruadh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ruadh)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lady-dopers-if-getting-married-would-you-find-a-pre-nup-request-offensive-or-not/273650/8 "2004-11-08T16:20:53Z")
Obviously he won’t be marrying me for my grammatical skills either :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Velma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/85e7bf/32.png) [@Velma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velma)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lady-dopers-if-getting-married-would-you-find-a-pre-nup-request-offensive-or-not/273650/9 "2004-11-08T16:39:19Z")
Honestly? I would probably be a little hurt. Intellectually I understand them but I would wonder if he didn’t really trust me. I would be the most understanding about one if he had kids from a previous marriage. I would understand the need to protect them. I guess it would matter how he brought it up and what the arrangement was, also. In the end if I loved him and I knew he loved me, I would probably sign. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lady-dopers-if-getting-married-would-you-find-a-pre-nup-request-offensive-or-not/273650/10 "2004-11-08T16:43:05Z")
The cynic in me thinks they are a great idea. But I agree with lee, it doesn’t seem likely that for a first marriage there is enough cynicism to support it. But I’ve seen too many people get married with complete sexual histories on each other, and no idea about how much debt or income or wealth there is. It probably depends on how it was phrased, and what point in life you are talking about. At this point in my life, I’d request one of anyone I was marrying. I’m happily married, but if I wasn’t, I’d still have kids whose future I’d want to protect, and significant assets going in. ---
**Author:** ![kka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/54ee81/32.png) [@kka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kka)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lady-dopers-if-getting-married-would-you-find-a-pre-nup-request-offensive-or-not/273650/11 "2004-11-08T16:52:59Z")
When I got married we had lived together for years and neither of us had the proverbial pot to piss in, so I would have been terribly offended. But, if I would have married later in life, and one of us was well off, or had any type of inheritence, then I would not be offended. ---
**Author:** ![Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Carol\_the\_Impaler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carol_the_Impaler)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lady-dopers-if-getting-married-would-you-find-a-pre-nup-request-offensive-or-not/273650/12 "2004-11-08T16:56:00Z")
I don’t see a problem with it, either intellectually or emotionally. I’ve never been married, but I’ve seen enough nasty divorces to know that - even when you have nothing when you start - if you can have both sign a legal document regarding how a divorce is going to be handled while they’re still in love, then that’s a good thing. It’s a not fun fact of modern life, but there you go. ---
**Author:** ![MaddyStrut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/dbc845/32.png) [@MaddyStrut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaddyStrut)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lady-dopers-if-getting-married-would-you-find-a-pre-nup-request-offensive-or-not/273650/13 "2004-11-08T16:58:19Z")
I’m a woman, and I’d probably suggest one. It would protect my interests as well as the mans. Not that I have all that many assets. I just prefer to get it settled before the marriage (like I’d want to get all financial matters discussed and agreed on before marriage). What is it Suze Orman is always saying? Something about how it’s better to discuss and agree on these things while you’re still in love rather than when you hate each other? Then again, I’m not married, never been close to being married, don’t plan to be married, don’t even really want to be married (my current thoughts are "if it happens, great; if not, that’s good too). So maybe the whole romance, trusting a partner, planning a life together thing is lost on me. ---
**Author:** ![UrbanChic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/9dc877/32.png) [@UrbanChic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UrbanChic)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lady-dopers-if-getting-married-would-you-find-a-pre-nup-request-offensive-or-not/273650/14 "2004-11-08T17:11:33Z")
If I found myself getting married again, I’d _insist_ on a prenuptial agreement. I’ve got assets I need to protect. It’s pretty much a moot point, though, because if something awful were to happen and I suddenly found myself single again, there’s no way in hell I’d get married again. ---
**Author:** ![AngelicGemma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/439d5e/32.png) [@AngelicGemma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AngelicGemma)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lady-dopers-if-getting-married-would-you-find-a-pre-nup-request-offensive-or-not/273650/15 "2004-11-08T17:22:46Z")
I’d find it offensive if my b/f asked me to sign a pre-nup. (Just for the record, we are both in university getting degrees. So we’ll both be earning a nice amount when we finish. He’ll be earning more then me though.) He might as well say ‘I don’t trust you.’ ---
**Author:** ![Abbie\_Carmichael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/49beb7/32.png) [@Abbie\_Carmichael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Abbie_Carmichael)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lady-dopers-if-getting-married-would-you-find-a-pre-nup-request-offensive-or-not/273650/16 "2004-11-08T17:26:29Z")
It depends. I’d probably sign one if it had to do with someone dying and divvying up assets among kids that already existed when the marriage took place. I would not sign one if it was just somebody trying to cover their ass in case of a divorce. I can’t see starting a marriage and simultaneously planning what happens if/when it ends at the same time. Doesn’t strike me as if the parties are too serious about making a commitment. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lady-dopers-if-getting-married-would-you-find-a-pre-nup-request-offensive-or-not/273650/17 "2004-11-08T18:44:13Z")
In our particular situation, I probably would have been sort of taken aback. I would have asked him if he planned on replacing me when I got fat and saggy, and I would have only mostly been joking. The scenario where a woman takes care of her husband all through college, med school, and residency, then gets dumped without a pot to piss in when she starts getting wrinkly, while he enjoys a fabulously luxurious lifestyle with his new siliconed, collagened, bleached 23yo trophy wife is a cliche. But it didn’t become a cliche in a vaccuum, did it? Any financial assets we build up will be almost exclusively due to his income, and I could understand a desire to get more than half back if we should ever split up. Still, though, that would leave him in a position to royally screw me over. There would have to be all sorts of stipulations for making the thing null and void for me to sign it. ---
**Author:** ![Cowgirl\_Jules](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4af34b/32.png) [@Cowgirl\_Jules](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cowgirl_Jules)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lady-dopers-if-getting-married-would-you-find-a-pre-nup-request-offensive-or-not/273650/18 "2004-11-08T18:58:37Z")
I kind of cringe at the philosophy of one, but once I start to think about it, I think it’s all right. I don’t think we’d _need_ one, based on how we’ve each handled our previous divorces. We’ve each been burned ourselves though, and the security coming from one of those might be OK. We’ve each got a business to protect, and kids from previous marriages to think of too. But then, we’re both a couple of old cynics. Hell, I might suggest one. ---
**Author:** ![Mr\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9dc877/32.png) [@Mr\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr_Jim)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lady-dopers-if-getting-married-would-you-find-a-pre-nup-request-offensive-or-not/273650/19 "2004-11-08T19:06:37Z")
> [@Elenia28](#): > > I think it’s silly that a man should be made to pay alimony to a wife with no kids, when the divorce was amicable. What if she worked and put him through school allowing him to attain his success with the understanding it would benefit them as a whole? ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2004, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lady-dopers-if-getting-married-would-you-find-a-pre-nup-request-offensive-or-not/273650/20 "2004-11-08T19:26:15Z")
Mr. Neville and I have a pre-nup, but not about money. We agreed that, if (G-d forbid) we were to get divorced, he will give me a get (a Jewish religious divorce, so I could remarry). [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/lady-dopers-if-getting-married-would-you-find-a-pre-nup-request-offensive-or-not/273650.md?page=2)