# Language, people! **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 19, 2018, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/language-people/816394 "2018-06-19T19:24:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/language-people/816394/1 "2018-06-19T19:24:57Z")
Earth receives a message from the Merry Martian Marching Society which reads: “Greetings, Dirtlings! We are in the midst of deciding whether to bestow upon you the gifts of free energy, eternal life and the perfect chili recipe, or blow up your planet to make room for a rest stop. The problem we have is that your little planet doesn’t seem to have it’s act together-hundreds of countries and an even greater number of languages-how the Herrrmph you dirtlings communicate with each other is beyond us, and we are not about to learn all that just to chat with y’all, so here’s the deal: We’ll come back this same time next year, and if a majority of you are speaking the same language you get the gifts. If you don’t, your new address is “Astro Al’s Rest Stop and 3D Bingo Parlor #23,896” How much is “a majority”? Not gonna tell you because it’s more fun that way!” So what language would have the greatest chance of being learned by the most people in just a year’s time? ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/language-people/816394/2 "2018-06-19T19:31:47Z")
English. It’s the lingua franca of the planet anyway. Maybe a pidgin form for the rural parts of China to learn. Tonal languages are right out. The first phrase everybody has to learn is “You tell 'em, Ferret-Face!” ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/language-people/816394/3 "2018-06-19T19:35:24Z")
> [@The Martians](#): > > The problem we have is that your little planet doesn’t seem to have it’s act together… Will they blow us up if we don’t use apostrophes correctly? 'Cause I think I see a loophole. Regard’s, S’hodan ---
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/language-people/816394/4 "2018-06-19T19:36:45Z")
In my English-speaking arrogance, I’ll say English. While there may be more _native_ speakers of other languages (e.g. [Chinese](https://www.babbel.com/en/magazine/the-10-most-spoken-languages-in-the-world/)), I’ll wager that there are more people who know English as a first _or_ second language - which means that the logistical burden of teaching the whole world English is probably lower than for any other language. But there’s still no way it would happen in a year, if ever. Endless bickering, charges of cultural imperialism, and unshakable conspiracy theories (“there are no aliens - Americans just want to crush our culture!”) would lead to our doom. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/language-people/816394/5 "2018-06-19T19:41:44Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > Will they blow us up if we don’t use apostrophes correctly? 'Cause I think I see a loophole. > > Regard’s, > S’hodan I find that the dude holding the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator is almost always in the right when it comes to punctuation. Edited to add: Since the message was sent telepathically, any errors are on your subconscious. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/language-people/816394/6 "2018-06-19T20:04:09Z")
Are there beans in that chili? If so, it’s not worth the trouble. ---
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/language-people/816394/7 "2018-06-19T20:04:57Z")
Simple - Since Mandarin Chinese is the most spoken language, people who speak Mandarin Chinese should kill people who do not, until the majority is reached. I could see this plan working. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/language-people/816394/8 "2018-06-19T20:10:20Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > Since the message was sent telepathically, any errors are on your subconscious. Any errors are in you’re subconscious. FTFY. We need a [pidgin](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pidgin). English is already spoken by the most people - teach a billion Chinese to speak pidgin English and we are golden. Will there be a test? Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/language-people/816394/9 "2018-06-19T20:16:01Z")
> [@Icarus](#): > > Simple - > > Since Mandarin Chinese is the most spoken language, people who speak Mandarin Chinese should kill people who do not, until the majority is reached. > > I could see this plan working. Please remember that they are looking for evidence that we can cooperate. ---
**Author:** ![MEBuckner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mebuckner/32/2896_2.png) [@MEBuckner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MEBuckner)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/language-people/816394/10 "2018-06-19T20:21:24Z")
English is probably the right answer. But just think what a badass planet we would be if we all learned [tlhIngan Hol](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Klingon_language)! ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/language-people/816394/11 "2018-06-19T20:29:10Z")
Oh sure - come up with a plan and they change the specs. Fine - we just declare porn a language. Everybody already understands that. Now give us the chili recipe. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/language-people/816394/12 "2018-06-19T20:33:15Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > Oh sure - come up with a plan and they change the specs. > > Fine - we just declare porn a language. Everybody already understands that. Now give us the chili recipe. > > Regards, > Shodan Porn and chili do NOT mix, and I’ve got the scars to prove it. ---
**Author:** ![Civil\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d78d45/32.png) [@Civil\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Civil_Guy)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/language-people/816394/13 "2018-06-19T20:38:30Z")
I think I’ve seen this quote around: “English is the easiest language to speak badly.” To which I’ll add the obvious: in fact, most people do. So, yeah, will there be a test? ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/language-people/816394/14 "2018-06-19T20:44:02Z")
They ain’t sayin’. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/language-people/816394/15 "2018-06-19T20:50:26Z")
English. Already spoken across the broadest swath of nations in the world. ---
**Author:** ![begbert2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/begbert2/32/3357_2.png) [@begbert2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/begbert2)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/language-people/816394/16 "2018-06-19T20:59:17Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > Please remember that they are looking for evidence that we can cooperate. What they don’t know won’t hurt us. The Chinese just need to learn how to hide the bodies properly. (Billions of them.) ---
**Author:** ![Crazy\_Canuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crazy_canuck/32/5282_2.png) [@Crazy\_Canuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crazy_Canuck)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/language-people/816394/17 "2018-06-19T21:08:25Z")
I am Groot. Regards, I am Groot ---
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/language-people/816394/18 "2018-06-19T21:12:40Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > Please remember that they are looking for evidence that we can cooperate. You didn’t state this as a requirement in the OP. If it is a requirement, then the Mandarin Chinese speakers just need to state to the aliens that the people who died chose to do so in service of the greater cause of saving the planet. There is plenty of historical precedence of this type of choice - soldiers invading Normady Beach, etc. ---
**Author:** ![begbert2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/begbert2/32/3357_2.png) [@begbert2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/begbert2)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/language-people/816394/19 "2018-06-19T21:21:43Z")
Oh, and as a direct and honest answer to the question - gesture. Not sign language, just gesture. It’s my understanding that most human societies have similar enough gesture languages to be able to quickly manage to engage in rough communication with no preparation whatsoever. If the aliens learn to rough rules for human gesture communication they should be able to get by reasonably well. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2018, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/language-people/816394/20 "2018-06-19T21:22:57Z")
> [@Icarus](#): > > You didn’t state this as a requirement in the OP. > > If it is a requirement, then the Mandarin Chinese speakers just need to state to the aliens that the people who died chose to do so in service of the greater cause of saving the planet. There is plenty of historical precedence of this type of choice - soldiers invading Normady Beach, etc. You can assume that they wouldn’t be watching what’s going on just for shits and giggles…but _I_ wouldn’t. As for what was stated in the OP, their bitch was that we couldn’t cooperate with each other enough to speak the same language, so this is a test on how well we can cooperate when push comes to utter destruction. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/language-people/816394.md?page=2)