# Large dildoes are a lezbian conspiracy. **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [December 19, 2000, 11:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-dildoes-are-a-lezbian-conspiracy/46328 "2000-12-19T11:07:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2000, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-dildoes-are-a-lezbian-conspiracy/46328/21 "2000-12-19T18:08:03Z")
The plural of penis is peni. As in: Old MacDonald had a farm, peni-peni-O. And on that farm he had a lezzie, peni-peni-O. With a buzz buzz here and a buzz buzz there, here a buzz there a buzz everywhere a buzz buzz Old MacDonald had a farm, peni-peni-O. ---
**Author:** ![Hamadryad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6de8d8/32.png) [@Hamadryad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamadryad)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2000, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-dildoes-are-a-lezbian-conspiracy/46328/22 "2000-12-19T18:08:48Z")
Magda: If Una and andygirl won’t help you out, I’ll be happy to turn you to the not-entirely-dark side. I’ll have to ask the hub first, but I’m sure he won’t mind. C’moooooon…you’ll liiiiiiiiike it… And I have to say…lesbian porno made me bisexual!! That’s right! Watching two women pry at each other with incredibly long blood-red fingernails and pretend to give head to jelly dildoes made me so horny for another woman I couldn’t stand it. Because everyone knows (from watching lesbian porn videos which were obviously filmed by men for men) that all lesbians love giving fake head to pretend penises…and all lesbians want nothing more than sharp fingernails poking at their tender bits…and no lesbian would dream of coming near another woman without a fresh bleach job and fuck-me red lipstick. Really. I mean it. No, really. ---
**Author:** ![mouthbreather](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a698b9/32.png) [@mouthbreather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mouthbreather)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2000, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-dildoes-are-a-lezbian-conspiracy/46328/23 "2000-12-19T18:22:52Z")
this: > [@](#): > > penis=dumb. I’m getting mine removed before I go on Jeaopardy! may very well become my next sig. ---
**Author:** ![Eft](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b782af/32.png) [@Eft](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eft)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2000, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-dildoes-are-a-lezbian-conspiracy/46328/24 "2000-12-19T18:27:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Hamadryad \* > **And I have to say…lesbian porno made me bisexual!!** Well, of course. You didn’t think it had anything to do with being sexually attracted to women, did you? Sheesh. Kids today… 😉 > [@](#): > > **all lesbians want nothing more than sharp fingernails poking at their tender bits…** We need a flinching smiley. It hurts even to _think_ about that. –Eft, Princess of Insufficient Light ---
**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2000, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-dildoes-are-a-lezbian-conspiracy/46328/25 "2000-12-19T18:47:16Z")
**Hama** , you are ON! I knew that buying you all those virtual drinks would pay off eventually, and I like you lots. As for hubby, since we both like men, bring him along! Signed, the guitar-playing girl with nonexistent fingernails. 😉 **zen101** , look, your theory is working! Even the mention of dildos, porn, and lesbians turned me over to the dark side, and I haven’t been underwhelmed by your pathetic penis yet. ---
**Author:** ![Hamadryad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6de8d8/32.png) [@Hamadryad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamadryad)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2000, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-dildoes-are-a-lezbian-conspiracy/46328/26 "2000-12-19T19:00:50Z")
MAAAAAAAN, I have got to learn to stop posting to these threads. Magda: My hub **isn’t** into men, unfortunately, but he’s willing to hang out and get what jollies he can while everyone else rolls around and sweats a lot… And of COURSE chicks on here KEEP telling me “sure!!” and I’m too far away. You’re all a bunch of teases, lying in wait for little ol’ me. I know it. It’s a conspiracy. \ ---
**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2000, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-dildoes-are-a-lezbian-conspiracy/46328/27 "2000-12-19T19:12:10Z")
Hamadryad, darling, I wasn’t implying that your husband is into men. I was implying what you seem to be implying. As for posting to these threads, yeah, it’s not like you and I don’t give Dopers enough masturbation material just by being our charming and witty selves. :o Impure thoughts and a raised eyebrow, M ---
**Author:** ![Hamadryad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6de8d8/32.png) [@Hamadryad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamadryad)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2000, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-dildoes-are-a-lezbian-conspiracy/46328/28 "2000-12-19T19:33:54Z")
**Pretty Magda said:** Hamadryad, darling, I wasn’t implying that your husband is into men. I was implying what you seem to be implying. You seemed to be implying that you and your man were both into men, so my man was welcome to come along… and I was specifying that my man is not into men, but that he’d almost undoubtedly be more than willing to come along for the ride. **She continued, with her lovely fingers…** As for posting to these threads, yeah, it’s not like you and I don’t give Dopers enough masturbation material just by being our charming and witty selves. That’s because we have relatively vivid writing styles and THEY have very vivid imaginations. A deadly combination, to be sure, but not one without merit. **and left us with the tauntingly almost-flirtatious line:** Impure thoughts and a raised eyebrow You say that like it’s a BAD thing. \ P.S. And congratulations on a lovely dual-hijack. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2000, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-dildoes-are-a-lezbian-conspiracy/46328/29 "2000-12-19T19:48:08Z")
\*Luscious Hama said \* > [@](#): > > You seemed to be implying that you and your man were both into men… Ah, you are assuming that I have a man. No, alas, I am unattached. Don’t let my absence from the **“I’m single, please, will someone, anyone, pretty please, love me?”** threads fool you. \*\* Her poetry continued with…\*\* > [@](#): > > That’s because we have relatively vivid writing styles and THEY have very vivid imaginations. A deadly combination, to be sure, but not one without merit. One of the nicest compliments I’ve received on the boards. :o **With a wicked grin and an evil cackle, she continued…** > [@](#): > > P.S. And congratulations on a lovely dual-hijack. 😃 It is both a hijack and not a hijack. We are making all of **zen101’s** fears about his own inadequacy come true. Not even his posts can hold our attention! At the first sight of a luscious woman, we lose all interest in him and focus only on each other. I say this with no disparaging of the hijack’s loveliness, or yours. With an evil grin and a conspiratorial wink, M ---
**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2000, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-dildoes-are-a-lezbian-conspiracy/46328/30 "2000-12-19T19:54:19Z")
Magdalene, Hamadryad, Look, some of us are desperately trying to get work done this afternoon. You two posting your lesbian fantasies ain’t helping the situation too much. Stop, stop, for the love of God, stop! [sub]or at least go into more detail[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2000, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-dildoes-are-a-lezbian-conspiracy/46328/31 "2000-12-19T20:13:15Z")
Enderw, I’m truly sorry, but I can only stop when I’m sure that Hama is quite finished. ---
**Author:** ![Hamadryad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6de8d8/32.png) [@Hamadryad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamadryad)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2000, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-dildoes-are-a-lezbian-conspiracy/46328/32 "2000-12-19T20:13:43Z")
_Mellifluous Magdalene opined:_ Ah, you are assuming that I have a man. No, alas, I am unattached. Don’t let my absence from the “I’m single, please, will someone, anyone, pretty please, love me?” threads fool you. AH…having read back, and forward, and back, and forward…mmmm, and back, and forward…what was I talking about? Oh yeah. The man thing. Right. Okay. Anyhow, I would be ahppy, now that I understand, to drag the hub along, and I’m sure we would both do everything in our non-insubstantial power to make you unable to effectively ambulate for an extended period of time. _She continued, in her inimitable way…_ It is both a hijack and not a hijack. We are making all of zen101’s fears about his own inadequacy come true. Not even his posts can hold our attention! At the first sight of a luscious woman, we lose all interest in him and focus only on each other. Then again…it could be that he spoke up in the hopes that a couple of women would virtually “go at it” for his benefit, thinking they were rebelling when they were actually feeding his fantasies. Then again, I don’t mind feeding someone else’s fantasies as long as mine the the main course and his/hers/theirs get tables scraps. Except for you, of course, in this instance. _And closed, making us all burst into tears, with:_ With an evil grin and a conspiratorial wink Me, I’m all about some evil wink and conspiratorial grin. We can have both, right? Then again, isn’t that what this is all about? _Enderw23 contributed_: Look, some of us are desperately trying to get work done this afternoon. You two posting your lesbian fantasies ain’t helping the situation too much. \<\<\\>\> \<\<\<\\>\>\> ---
**Author:** ![zen101](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c68b51/32.png) [@zen101](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zen101)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2000, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-dildoes-are-a-lezbian-conspiracy/46328/33 "2000-12-20T04:39:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by mouthbreather \* > \*\*this: > > > [@](#): > > > > penis=dumb. I’m getting mine removed before I go on Jeaopardy! > > may very well become my next sig. \*\* You would think that the “penis=dumb” line alone would have clued some people in to the intent of this article (btw, it’s a paraphrasing of something I did a really long time back but very much edited from the original which was, as you might be able to deduce from the dates mentions on statistics, a year back) which was simply a feeble attempt at humor. I should have posted the entire thing which was about three pages long and did include all spelling errors which was a nuisance because I did not know about the “find/replace” feature of my word processor at the time so I had to go in and misspell manually. As for the “peni” deal, well that is my own personal effort to officially get the pluralized form of penis to be peni. I just like the word and find it efficient. “dildoes” was an homage to the editor who commonly spelled it that way in notes to people where he would call them “friggin’ dildoe!”. So I put it in to see if he would correct it (he never did). In summation, this was merely editorial fodder whipped up one evening as a lark. For another example of something I did while bored please look in the SD Singles thread for my own personal ad (which I actually submitted to a few real live personals in papers and on the web with my real live E-Mail address and in one case my phone number). I just couldn’t think of any other place to put it and I thought it slightly funny (one or two of you did as well so that neat) and stuck it up here. p.s. **mouthbreather** I hereby give you permission to use that as your sig if you give credit to the author. 😉 p.p.s. But I will go on record as saying that buying your lover a toy that is better equipped than yourself is folly! Sheer insanity! Madness I tell you, madness! One of the many reasons I like Chapstick as it is just the right size to make me look good. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2000, 6:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-dildoes-are-a-lezbian-conspiracy/46328/34 "2000-12-20T06:39:01Z")
Gorgeous Hama, I’m sorry if I left you hanging! You and I must have simulposted earlier. I think we’ve entertained these yokels enough for one day, but you know where to find me. ---
**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2000, 6:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-dildoes-are-a-lezbian-conspiracy/46328/35 "2000-12-20T06:48:02Z")
> [@](#): > > Chapstick.\…it is just the right size to make me look good. _Shocking._ ---
**Author:** ![evilbeth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/evilbeth/32/2268_2.png) [@evilbeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/evilbeth)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2000, 8:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-dildoes-are-a-lezbian-conspiracy/46328/36 "2000-12-20T08:36:01Z")
Okay, you guys, **enough!!** You are totally confusing SanibelMan! The poor thing depends on us for information and here you guys go filling his head with these wacky ideas! 😉 As for people telling **Hama** that she’s too far away, there’s less than three hundred miles between you and me, babe! That’s not really that far when you’re talking about hot, erotic, toe-curling sex! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![DRY](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a87d85/32.png) [@DRY](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DRY)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2000, 8:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-dildoes-are-a-lezbian-conspiracy/46328/37 "2000-12-20T08:44:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by magdalene \* > **Gorgeous Hama, I’m sorry if I left you hanging!** Feh. This reminds me of yet another thing “you lesbians” can’t relate to! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2000, 11:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-dildoes-are-a-lezbian-conspiracy/46328/38 "2000-12-20T11:39:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by magdalene \* > \*\*Hey, if the OP is true, and the conspiracy has Eve, then count me in! Where do I sign up? Andygirl? Una? Anyone? \*\* You’re in. ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2000, 11:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-dildoes-are-a-lezbian-conspiracy/46328/39 "2000-12-20T11:40:37Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Hamadryad \* > \*\*And of COURSE chicks on here KEEP telling me “sure!!” and I’m too far away. You’re all a bunch of teases, lying in wait for little ol’ me. I know it. It’s a conspiracy. > \*\* I’d tell you “Sure”, but you wouldn’t want me. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![beergeek279](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7ea924/32.png) [@beergeek279](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beergeek279)\ **Post date:** [December 20, 2000, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-dildoes-are-a-lezbian-conspiracy/46328/40 "2000-12-20T14:48:54Z")
> [@](#): > > p.p.s. But I will go on record as saying that buying your lover a toy that is better equipped than yourself is folly! Sheer insanity! Madness I tell you, madness! One of the many reasons I like Chapstick as it is just the right size to make me look good. Hey, you’re looking at it the wrong way!!! Dildoes are a man’s friend, not his enemy :). I’m sure the women on the board won’t say that they’d rather have a piece of plastic than a living breathing partner…they just make the ladies want you more :). (And in talking to women, I’ve discovered that men worry a hell of a lot more about penis size than women ever do!) Personally, the largest I ever saw was in a video…it was 12cm in diameter and almost a meter long…called it “King Dong” 😉 (for some sort of comparison, the vaginal distension for birth is 10cm) and yes, the woman used it with a great deal of pain. So I suppose that makes her the queen lesbian ;). [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-dildoes-are-a-lezbian-conspiracy/46328.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-dildoes-are-a-lezbian-conspiracy/46328.md?page=3)