# Large Penis Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 22, 2012, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845 "2012-11-22T15:59:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/1 "2012-11-22T15:59:42Z")
Time to post your favourite big dick jokes. Ones you’ve heard, ones you’ve made up. Don’t just pull a list off the 'net, but by all means dos a search for a real gem if you must. My dick is so big, my driver’s license has a special certification for me to use it. My dick is so big, the seats fold down. My dick is so big, it’s what Captain Sully crash landed on the Hudson. My dick is so big, it’s finishing grad school. My dick is so big I have to call it “Sir Richard.” My dick is so big, Starbucks has a size above Trenta called “My Dicka.” My dick is so big, Ticketmaster owns the venue sales rights. My dick is so big, there’s a NASA rover exploring it. My dick is so big, it’s outsourcing jobs to China. My dick is so big, it got 377 electoral votes in 2004, and it’s not even a natural-born citizen. My dick is so big, it gets more hits than “Gangnam Style.” ---
**Author:** ![Rick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/2 "2012-11-22T16:12:32Z")
These two guys heard about a club downtown for guy with big dicks. Being well hung they headed down to join. When they get there there is an old guy mopping the floor. They ask him where the big dick club is located. He look at them and asks " How much you boys got?" “I got 10” and he’s got a foot." Came the reply The old jousts starts laugh do hard tears come to eyes. “What’s so funny?” They demand The old guy pulls up the leg of his pants points and says "See that lump in my sock? I’m just the janitor around here. My dick is so big it has its own zip code. ---
**Author:** ![tim-n-va](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tim-n-va/32/3001_2.png) [@tim-n-va](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tim-n-va)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/3 "2012-11-22T16:13:13Z")
Starbucks sizes at my local store have tall, grande and my-dick. ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Doom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Dr\_Doom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Doom)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/4 "2012-11-22T16:13:58Z")
I’m a bit old school, so I have to keep reminding Mrs\_Doom that I don’t have a _penis_ I have a _cock_. My dick is so big, my pants have a “zip code”. ---
**Author:** ![dimmy\_derko](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/43a26b/32.png) [@dimmy\_derko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dimmy_derko)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/5 "2012-11-22T16:19:36Z")
My penis is so large, I have my hometown, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, tattooed along the underside in centimetre squared block letters, and it’s clearly legible without my requiring an erection. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/6 "2012-11-22T16:26:38Z")
[Enormous penis song](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HpY3ggKAPIE) My dick is so big I require several blood transfusions to get an erection. ---
**Author:** ![DesertDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/desertdog/32/11503_2.png) [@DesertDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DesertDog)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/7 "2012-11-22T16:28:29Z")
Two guys standing on the end of a pier, pissing. “Man that water’s cold.” “Sure is – deep, too.” ---
**Author:** ![ducati](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/cc9497/32.png) [@ducati](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ducati)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/8 "2012-11-22T16:35:12Z")
I tell people that my doctor insists I sit down to pee. He doesn’t want me lifting anything heavy by myself. Thank you, I’ll be here all week. There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis. “Well, there’s good news and there’s bad news,” she says. “The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure.” The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. “So what’s the good news?” he asks. The doctor says, “There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant’s trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?” The guy thinks about it and finally says, “Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let’s do it.” So the doctor performs the operation. A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure. Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again. “Wow!” says his stunned girlfriend, “That was impressive! Can you do that again?” Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, “Probably… but I don’t know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!” ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/9 "2012-11-22T16:36:23Z")
I have a dick like a baby…20 inches and 9 lbs. ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/10 "2012-11-22T16:39:14Z")
Wanna hear a joke about my dick? On second thought, never mind. It’s too long. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/11 "2012-11-22T16:45:07Z")
At a company party years ago (well, I didn’t hear it, “Bob” did and told me later). Female A: Yah know, I ain’t happy unless I get 10 inches. Female B: I totally agree. Male A: I’m sorry ladies, but I aint cutting off 8 inches for anybody. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/12 "2012-11-22T16:47:37Z")
My dick is so big that when I beat off, it looks like a wrestling match. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/13 "2012-11-22T16:50:35Z")
My dick’s so big, to calculate its size I needed a Wang computer. ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Doom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Dr\_Doom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Doom)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/14 "2012-11-22T16:54:09Z")
Large penises are a problem that affects us all. When it comes to a large penis, there are no winners. Large penises don’t kill people, people kill people. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/15 "2012-11-22T16:56:35Z")
Not to be a dick about it, but joke threads go in MPSIMS. Moved from Cafe Society. ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Doom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Dr\_Doom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Doom)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/16 "2012-11-22T16:58:25Z")
“It moved.” – George Costanza ---
**Author:** ![Greg\_Charles](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/839c29/32.png) [@Greg\_Charles](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greg_Charles)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/17 "2012-11-22T16:59:10Z")
I can’t resist the opportunity to repeat a joke, but I’m reluctant about this one. Oh, well. A man has his girlfriend’s name, Joanne, tattooed on his penis. However, when he’s not “excited to see her” it just looks like Jan, and she leaves him. Some days later he’s peeing at a urinal and happens to look over at the black man next to him and sees he has Wendy tattooed on his penis. Hw tells him his sad story and says the guy is lucky not to have the folding problem. The man replies, “Nah mon, mine say, ‘Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day!’” ---
**Author:** ![dimmy\_derko](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/43a26b/32.png) [@dimmy\_derko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dimmy_derko)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/18 "2012-11-22T17:03:41Z")
I’ve just had a _l’esprit d’escalier_ moment. I should have added “It’s no joke.” to the end of my earlier post. Ah well, c’est la vie. ps. On a minutes further reflection, I don’t think it is a real _l’esprit d’escalier_ moment, is it? It’s more like a delayed edit to slightly improve my post. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/19 "2012-11-22T17:10:59Z")
My dick is so big, the Israelis and Palestinians are fighting over it. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2012, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/20 "2012-11-22T17:19:39Z")
> [@Greg\_Charles](#): > > I can’t resist the opportunity to repeat a joke, but I’m reluctant about this one. Oh, well. > > A man has his girlfriend’s name, Joanne, tattooed on his penis. However, when he’s not “excited to see her” it just looks like Jan, and she leaves him. Some days later he’s peeing at a urinal and happens to look over at the black man next to him and sees he has Wendy tattooed on his penis. Hw tells him his sad story and says the guy is lucky not to have the folding problem. The man replies, “Nah mon, mine say, ‘Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day!’” Basically the same joke, only the race of the guy isn’t specified and it seems he has “Puny” tattooed on his dick. He replies “No man, mine says Punxsutawney.” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845.md?page=2)