# Large Penis Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 22, 2012, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845 "2012-11-22T15:59:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2012, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/61 "2012-11-25T00:20:15Z")
> [@Zebra](#): > > A long time ago, back when playing Trivial Pursuit was considered a fun evening, I had some friends over at my place for a game. We were all guys except for one. My friend Ron had brought a date. We all knew each other and were having a good time, especially because I answered most the questions with “my penis”. > What is the largest mountain in the US? My penis. > What is the largest island in the Mediterranean? My penis. > And many more but all of there were asked of me by the woman. Now she thought it was funny but Ron was getting mad and a little embarrassed. So finally he took the card from her and decided to read the question to me. > > That question was: What is, by far, the largest human organ? > Of course everyone burst up laughing and after a minute it subsided and I finally responded. > > “The skin.” > “Correct” Ron confiremed. > “Because it has to around my dick.” > > More laughter ensued, the board may have been tossed in the air, I don’t remember. ROTFLMAO!!! Zebra for the win! ---
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2012, 3:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/62 "2012-11-25T03:44:05Z")
My dick made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs. My dick is so big that my wife and I played “hide the salami” and failed. My dick is so big that back in high school, the football coach gave the team the choice of running twice around the field or once around my dick. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2012, 5:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/63 "2012-11-25T05:51:47Z")
> [@picunurse](#): > > I have two. One only smart people get. The other, only women find funny… I thought _this_ was the dick joke. ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2012, 11:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/64 "2012-11-25T11:24:36Z")
My dick is so big, I needed Paul Bunyan to be the _mohel_. ---
**Author:** ![42fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/4/b487fb/32.png) [@42fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/42fish)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2012, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/65 "2012-11-25T14:28:24Z")
> [@TreacherousCretin](#): > > See post #7 **NitroPress** ’s penis is so big, it blocks his view of the monitor. ---
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2012, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/66 "2012-11-25T14:54:00Z")
There was a young fellow engaged to be married. He and his betrothed were both virgins, and he was worried that his unusually small tool would not satisfy her, so he consulted many physicians on how to increase the length and girth of his manhood. None could help him, until he found a doctor from the Congo who said he could do a radical surgery wherein the trunk of a baby elephant was transplanted onto the man’s penis, guaranteeing his bride a lifetime of pleasure. Some weeks after the surgery, the young man was looking forward to meeting his fiancée’s parents for the first time. At the restaurant, he was witty and charming, and he was certain he had impressed his future in-laws, when suddenly, the elephant trunk snaked up over the edge of the table, nabbed a baked potato, and disappeared from whence it came. The father of the bride look stunned, then slowly said, “Son, I believe I would like to see that again.” The groom-to-be gulped, and with a pained expression, said, “Sir, so would I, but I don’t think there’s room in my ass for another potato.” ---
**Author:** ![swampspruce](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampspruce/32/261_2.png) [@swampspruce](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampspruce)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2012, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/67 "2012-11-26T17:00:18Z")
What did Cinderella say when she got to the Ball? “Gleaarregk”. I’m the most popular guy at the nudist colony because I can carry a coffee in each hand, and a dozen doughnuts… ---
**Author:** ![enomaj](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/59ef9b/32.png) [@enomaj](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/enomaj)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2012, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/68 "2012-11-26T17:38:56Z")
My dick is the size of a 3-yr old. Aww, poor baby. No, I mean my dick is the size of a 3-yr old. (Holds hand waist high to indicate height) -Comedian Michael Blaxson(Michael’s African accent is necessary for the set up) ---
**Author:** ![flight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbce88/32.png) [@flight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flight)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2012, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/69 "2012-11-26T19:17:05Z")
[The Dirty Polka](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLTOMlS5eVQ) Also, three guys had a bet on who had the biggest dick. So, they decided to hang them of the edge of a ten story building to measure. The first guy hung down a full floor, the second guy hung down three floors, the third guy unfurled his and started wiggling his hips around. The other two asked what he was doing. He said, “Dodging traffic.” ---
**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2012, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/70 "2012-11-26T19:53:05Z")
The magnitude of my penis is such that even in its flaccid state, it appears to be fully engorged. Indeed, at a mere 8 days, my epithelium was of such a large nature as to allow the byproduct of my circumcision to be used as a replacement for the entire penis for another’s medical procedure. Alas, it is all for naught. For, no matter that my superhuman endurance could almost be confused with priapism and the output of my scrotum’s ejaculate could put a rutting Suidae to shame, it appears that even the enormity of my corpora cavernosa is not enough to completely consume the vacuous space that is your maternal parent’s vaginal canal. ---
**Author:** ![simster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/simster/32/1047_2.png) [@simster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/simster)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2012, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/71 "2012-11-26T21:26:44Z")
> [@Enderw24](#): > > The magnitude of my penis is such that even in its flaccid state, it appears to be fully engorged. Indeed, at a mere 8 days, my epithelium was of such a large nature as to allow the byproduct of my circumcision to be used as a replacement for the entire penis for another’s medical procedure. > > Alas, it is all for naught. For, no matter that my superhuman endurance could almost be confused with priapism and the output of my scrotum’s ejaculate could put a rutting Suidae to shame, it appears that even the enormity of my corpora cavernosa is not enough to completely consume the vacuous space that is your maternal parent’s vaginal canal. She said “ouch” when she met me. ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2012, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/72 "2012-11-26T23:05:07Z")
My dick is so big you’re standing on it. I once met a man whose dick was so big that whenever he traveled he needed to buy an extra seat for it. “You’re a lucky man,” I told him, “I have to charter a private plane!” ---
**Author:** ![tim-n-va](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tim-n-va/32/3001_2.png) [@tim-n-va](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tim-n-va)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2012, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/73 "2012-11-26T23:31:12Z")
My dick isn’t very impressive but it will grow on you. ---
**Author:** ![Face\_Intentionally\_Left\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/face_intentionally_left_blank/32/288_2.png) [@Face\_Intentionally\_Left\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Face_Intentionally_Left_Blank)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/74 "2012-11-27T00:24:57Z")
Hey hey HEY! Put those things away. People in the parking lot are trying to leave. Hope these haven’t already been done: My dick is so big, it took 1st, 2nd and 3rd prize in a big dick contest. My dick is so big, I compete in pole vault events without a pole. My dick is so big, it influences the tides. Can’t explain that. My dick is so big, it’s been theorized that an untold number of universes spontaneously come into being within it whenever it gets hard, then collapse & die when it goes soft. My dick is so big, it warps time & space, and may hold the key to faster-than-light travel for the human race. My dick is so big, it’s NASA’s go-to plan to deflect asteroids on a collision course with the earth. Speaking of NASA, my dick is an integral part of their future space elevator program. Speaking of the future, my dick is so big, the tip exists 30 seconds in the future. ---
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/75 "2012-11-27T03:27:22Z")
Inspired by Margaret Cho, I give you… Big Dick Haiku! \*My dick is so vast That no-one will ever know I have just one leg. Having a big dick Has its ups and downs, you know. (Well, mine just has ups.) Did a UFO Cause that last solar eclipse? No! It was my dick.\* ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/76 "2012-11-27T15:00:13Z")
My dick is so big, it has an elbow. My dick is so big, there’s still snow on it in summertime. My dick is so big, I have to call it Mr. Dick. More abstract: My dick is so big, it won’t return my phone calls. ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/77 "2012-11-27T17:07:44Z")
Obvious one — I have to go to the second floor to write my name in the snow. More an inside one — I have an 80 cubic inch hog. And a Harley as well. ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2012, 3:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/78 "2012-11-28T03:08:05Z")
My dick is so big it’s in danger of collapsing into a black hole. My dick is so big women I have sex with have to wear a helmet and a climbing harness. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2012, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/79 "2012-11-28T03:20:54Z")
> [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](#): > > …My dick is so big women I have sex with have to wear a helmet and a climbing harness. Oh, yeah, and those climbing spikes are a bitch! ---
**Author:** ![UltraVires](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ecccb3/32.png) [@UltraVires](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UltraVires)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2012, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/80 "2012-11-28T05:47:06Z")
There once was a man from Kent Whose dick was so long it bent To save himself trouble, he stuck it in double And when he came, he went [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845.md?page=5)