# Large Penis Jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 22, 2012, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845 "2012-11-22T15:59:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2012, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/81 "2012-11-28T16:38:11Z")
My dick is so big it has a permanent seat on the UN Security Council. My dick is so big you need to use AUs to measure… the diameter. ---
**Author:** ![getitrite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47774/32.png) [@getitrite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/getitrite)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2012, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/82 "2012-12-02T20:25:44Z")
My dick is so big when I put a loop in it, I can lasso the moon. A young man comes home with a large turkey for Christmas. His mother asked him how he got it, he replyed at a dick measuring contest. Oh goodness you didn’t take that thing out in public, he replies not all of it, just enought to win. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2012, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/83 "2012-12-02T22:09:09Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > Oh, yeah, and those climbing spikes are a bitch! …And the oxygen bottles last hardly any time at all. ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2012, 2:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/84 "2012-12-03T02:45:18Z")
They say penis size is related to shoe size, which makes the fear of being raped by a clown that much scarier. ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2012, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/85 "2012-12-03T02:48:18Z")
One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says: “If you can make that horse over there laugh, you can have free drinks for the rest of the night.” So he says “Okay” and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night. The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says: “If you can make that horse over there cry, I will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.” So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry. The man says: “To make him laugh, I told him I had a bigger dick than he does, and to make him cry I showed him.” ---
**Author:** ![truthSeeker2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7cd45c/32.png) [@truthSeeker2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/truthSeeker2)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2012, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/86 "2012-12-03T13:43:40Z")
My dick is so big, I dont have to travel to maintain long distance relationships. ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/87 "2012-12-04T16:13:23Z")
Y’all are just tellin’ these, cause y’know I have an innie… ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/88 "2012-12-04T16:31:51Z")
I have veins in mine that are bigger than most whole dicks. ---
**Author:** ![BubbaDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bubbadog/32/333_2.png) [@BubbaDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BubbaDog)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/89 "2012-12-04T17:09:03Z")
> [@NitroPress](#): > > … > Two cowboys are standing on a bridge over the Rio Grande in winter, taking a piss. > 1st Cowboy: “Boy that water sure is cold.” > 2nd Cowboy: “Yep. Deep, too.” This got to be a break time urinal “pissing match” where I once worked. After a few rounds of this joke it started to expand. Example **Me** : Boy that water’s cold **Bud** : Deep too **Me** : and there’s a burr in the pipe **Bud** : The one in the wall or the one in the basement? **Me** : The one where the drain hits the main line under the street. **Bud** : That’s pretty bad, but that burr at the sewage treatment plant chafes me the most. **Me** : Really? I woulda thought that one at the drain pipe to the river would be the nastiest. **Bud** : No…No..once you get to the river and get down 15 feet or so into the Missouri river mud it actually feels kinda nice **Me** : Yeah but the Mississippi mud feels the best. **Bud** : Not as good as Delta Silt. ---
**Author:** ![simster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/simster/32/1047_2.png) [@simster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/simster)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/90 "2012-12-04T18:11:05Z")
> [@BubbaDog](#): > > This got to be a break time urinal “pissing match” where I once worked. After a few rounds of this joke it started to expand. > Example > > **Me** : Boy that water’s cold > **Bud** : Deep too > **Me** : and there’s a burr in the pipe > **Bud** : The one in the wall or the one in the basement? > **Me** : The one where the drain hits the main line under the street. > **Bud** : That’s pretty bad, but that burr at the sewage treatment plant chafes me the most. > **Me** : Really? I woulda thought that one at the drain pipe to the river would be the nastiest. > **Bud** : No…No..once you get to the river and get down 15 feet or so into the Missouri river mud it actually feels kinda nice > **Me** : Yeah but the Mississippi mud feels the best. > **Bud** : Not as good as Delta Silt. You should feel what the bottom of the Marianas Trench is like - let me tell you , there’s nothing else like it. Spent 20 minutes there once… ---
**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 6:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/91 "2012-12-04T18:13:31Z")
T-shirt Hell has a couple amusing shirts for baby boys: [Hung Like a 5 Year Old](http://www.tshirthell.com/funny-shirts/hung-like-a-five-year-old/) and [Hung Like a Pony](http://www.tshirthell.com/funny-shirts/hung-like-a-pony/) ---
**Author:** ![cjepson](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a9adbd/32.png) [@cjepson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cjepson)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/92 "2012-12-04T18:38:20Z")
Looks like this thread is winding down. Maybe even starting to drag a little… … and believe me, I know how that feels. ---
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/93 "2012-12-04T19:19:46Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > I have veins in mine that are bigger than most whole dicks. You call that big? The veins on my dick have veins. ---
**Author:** ![TommyTutone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c4cdca/32.png) [@TommyTutone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TommyTutone)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/94 "2012-12-04T21:08:36Z")
Stolen from Drew Carey: - my dick is so big its agent won’t take my calls. - my dick is so big, movie popcorn comes in three sizes: large, jumbo, and my dick. ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/95 "2012-12-04T21:21:28Z")
> [@Fear\_Itself](#): > > You call that big? The veins on my dick have veins. The veins on my dick have their own dicks. ---
**Author:** ![Rick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2012, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/96 "2012-12-06T05:00:41Z")
[Hereschel the Magnificent Jew](http://holycannoli.posterous.com/herschel-the-magnificent-Jew) ETA: Video with sound, might not be SFW due to some language, PG-13 ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2012, 6:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/97 "2012-12-06T06:22:24Z")
Spanish porn star Nacho Vidal was recently taken in for questioning by the police. That is not a joke, but it did lead to a lot of jokes which my coworkers had fun sharing during breakfast. I only remember two of them: - Most jailhouse windows have four bars. The one in Nacho’s cell has five. - Medical emergency in Alcalá-Meco Prison! Half the queens faint upon hearing that Vidal will be arriving soon; the other half are holding a contest to decide who meets him first. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2012, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/98 "2012-12-06T14:39:56Z")
> [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](#): > > The veins on my dick have their own dicks. Mandelbrot dick! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![ImAShark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/3ec8ea/32.png) [@ImAShark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ImAShark)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2012, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/99 "2012-12-09T03:54:07Z")
My dick is a trillion miles long and weighs a quintillion tons. ---
**Author:** ![truthSeeker2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7cd45c/32.png) [@truthSeeker2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/truthSeeker2)\ **Post date:** [December 9, 2012, 10:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845/100 "2012-12-09T10:48:12Z")
my dick is so big that people think its a CIA FBI conspiracy. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/large-penis-jokes/641845.md?page=4)